It doesn't take much these days to make me reflect on life.
Wasted days - wasted years...
Perhaps it is a bit unfair to others in my life to look at the time as wasted. Perhaps that is the wrong word. Maybe.. misdirected is a better term.
A lot of good has come out of that time spent. But as I move forward with this next stage I have to keep in mind my goals... what I want.
See, this has been the problem: I've spent too much time and energy worryiing over the happiness of others. Not so much foregoing my own happiness but not prioritizing it either.
How can I expect another to make my happiness a priority if I don't?
I consider this sitting beneath a palm tree near a hotel pool in Ft. Lauderdale. Why is this significant? Because I am here for me. Not for my responsibilities to others. I need to enjoy this time.
Still my thoughts revolve around others. It is a torturous trap. An impossible balance for me.
One I need to learn.
I have to learn it. Like any other habit, my self-defeating behaviors need to stop. The self-persecuting and self-loathing will only end when I can find that balance.
It has to be there, somewhere.
But my question remains...
Where is the balance?
...interesting one-day trip to White Plains, NY today...
I discovered finally how to use my cell-phone as an internet link... the irony being I'm all but done travelling...
I re-discovered the pain of car rentals... they gave me a car that smelled like sewage inside. Literally. I thought at first it was the area being New York City and all... but no, it was the car. Had to trade that puppy in.
It was a whirlwind day with a whole lot of boring work in the middle.
Now I get to go back to the politics of the job tomorrow... big time.
When it rains.. it pours.
Nothing like getting a $6000 piece of hardware for $200.
And Morri thinks the current servers are loud... muuuhahahahahahaha!
w000t! What did we get?
You owe me...
Still, you RULE!
A quad Xeon IBM X-series server.
A year or so old off of corportate lease.
I'll probably have to rent a car to go drive and get it though... $290 to ship it... yikes!
I think the van would make it to Syracuse... I really do...
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