birra's Journal

birra's Journal


Honor: 13    [ Give / Take ]


2 entries this month

...the poet of my heart...

21:01 Sep 27 2007
Times Read: 999

It was a cold day in the middle of January. January 15th to be exact. My morning started with a long flight into Louisville. By now, I was very familiar with Louisville, having traveled there over a dozen times in the previous months. Louisville was nothing special...

But this trip was special. Or at least, I had hopes that it would be.

After I finished my work in Louisville I had to drive to another job, five hours away in a small mountain town in Kentucky. Knowing this, I had arranged to stop and visit you along the way.

I was excited. I was nervous. Our conversations had been becoming more frequent, and deeper. I wanted to meet you, to get to know you better than just lines of text could allow. You fascinated me. The words you sent me, the images you displayed – everything so magnificently crafted and meticulously presented. Your creativity, intelligence and elegance had always left me awestruck, as did your humble responses.

Offering to look at your malfunctioning computer was a good excuse as any to make the time to visit you, but it wasn’t the point.

We exchanged contact info and set the time. We discussed a restaurant to meet at – a neutral, safe location. Although you were going to have your significant other with you; I was ok with that, as long was we got to talk. As long as I had the chance to extend my hand to you in a greeting and feel the soft warmth of your skin. As long as our eyes got to meet and connect our souls for a second as we exchanged a friendly smile towards each other. To hear your voice say my name, even if it was only followed by “… pleased to meet you.”

I nervously dialed your number as I made the drive into town. Hearing your voice caused my heart to race like the wheels of my car as I sped down the dark, wet highway.

Going by a map, I missed an exit. I cursed myself for the lost time. I picked up the pace heading back to where I needed to be. I called you again to revise my arrival time.

I finally rolled into town and searched for the little Italian restaurant you suggested. Finding it, I parked in the mostly empty lot. The night air was damp and cold. I zipped my jacket and walked to the front door. Every nerve in my body responded to chill. My senses were on high; the needles on every gauge were pinned to the right.

What would I find when I walked in?

Would you be at a table, waiting? Standing by the front door so you wouldn’t miss me? Would I be there alone and have to wait for you? Would you show up at all?

I stepped inside. The restaurant was quiet. Italian music played overhead and an older lady with an accent greeted me to her establishment.

“Just one tonight?” she asked.

“Umm.. maybe three? I’m meeting some people here.” I responded with a bit of hesitation in my voice.

“Right this way, please.”

I followed her around the corner to another area of the restaurant. There were patrons in this area and I scanned every table to see if you were already waiting. I didn’t see you and my heart sank a little.

“Will this be alright?” she asked, placing a menu on a table near the wall partition.

“Sure, thank you.” I replied.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“Just some water right now.” I didn’t want to drink, not if I was going to end up alone for the night. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Starting with a drink might have led me into a rapid downward spiral.

A few minutes went by. It felt like hours. She returned with my water and asked if I was going to wait for my friends to order. I told her I was. I sat, anxiously. I sipped at the water. I spun quickly at every noise, to see if it was you. A couple walked around the corner of the partition, but it wasn’t you. My anticipation grew, as did some of those negative feelings I’ve grown accustomed to beating down.

She’s not going to show.

It’s something I hoped for too much. These things always end in disappointment.

Why am I here? Why do I do these things to myself?

I do them... for hope. I need to have hope in my life. I’ve been seeking... something… my whole life. And to that point, I hadn’t found it. I couldn’t tell you exactly what that something was… but I could say for sure, I hadn’t found it. Most days I wondered if I ever would.

I swirled the floating ice cubes in my glass. I debated shooting the straw wrapper across the room just for the fun of it.

Then, from the corner of my eye, through the stained, translucent glass of the partition… I saw you. My heart leapt! I quickly tried to compose myself. I am so horrible at these situations. The newness of meeting someone for the first time; I’m nervous, I’m uneasy, I trip over my words… you turned the corner. He was with you but for that instant in time everything froze and my mind focused on seeing you. Your long, dark hair was covering your face, but I could see your eyes and your smile… and a little bit of me melted.

I extended a hand to both of you and introduced myself.

Your companion dominated the conversation. I felt awkward. I felt too nervous to speak to you, and I can tell you felt the same. We had always had such great conversations through text, but here, we both seemed to feel we couldn’t… or shouldn’t… talk to each other.

We ordered dinner, and I ordered a glass of wine that the waitress never brought to me.

I was happy to meet you. I wondered if you were truly happy to meet me. I wondered what you were thinking, but I knew I couldn’t ask. I wanted to reach inside you and feel what you were feeling but I couldn’t even reach out to you with a word.

The three of us spent the evening, mostly that way. The distraction of trying to solve the computer issues… casual conversation separated by quiet awkwardness and… eventually, Ren & Stimpy… you sat across the room quietly. I wanted to sit next to you, take your hand and talk.

I wanted to hug you and squeeze you tight against me. I wanted to brush your hair away from your face and see all of you… but you know I couldn’t. And so did I.

I wondered if you were truly happy here. It didn't seem like it sometimes, but you never said you were unhappy...

I left with a casual good-bye and a hand shake. I drove to my hotel pondering this meeting. Something about wanting it… felt so much different that other times I’ve met people I’ve spoke with online. Something made it feel more urgent. Something made me want it more.

I tried to make sense of it, and make sense of the evening but the events of that night left me sitting in my hotel room with my head in my hands… wondering if I would ever find that something. Convincing myself that I have to accept my destiny and this was just another piece of it.





But never finding…

Like the forgotten glass of wine… even the little things I want tend to be out of my reach, and that is just the way my life is always going to be…

Little did I know what incredible surprises the next few months would have in store for me…




More stuff moved over from my profile...

03:42 Sep 21 2007
Times Read: 1,012

Figured it was long enough, I could at least clear out all the stuff more than 6 months old.... so here it is:

9/13/06 - Ok, the dark side of running my own business is really rearing it's ugly head this week. Delinquent customers, suppliers making demands, good customers having to wait because of the delinquents and suppliers... ugh... I'd like to say it's good to be home for a while, but, not with all this crap going on.

If you don't think things could have possibly gotten that bad in my home office.. well.. take a look at my office...

Damn, I need a new chair.

Seriously though, people think I run my own business and it's all days at the golf course and dinners with clients. Not so.. I work my butt off. Then the contract we have that makes me travel all the time... not easy days. So the time I spend here chatting with everyone, it's usually my way of unwinding a little.

So forgive my crass, sarcastic and dry sense of humor. Forgive me if I make snide remarks in my rates or take forum threads slightly off course...

...it's just my way of showing I care.

Ok, not really. I'm just a goofball.

9/27/06 Wow, I am really running out of things to talk about here. Maybe I should start journaling this profile? What do you think?

9/28/06 - Ok, I truncated my profile, from the middle. So keep that in mind why it's so short... what I removed is all in my NEW journal... so if you're bored and want some good reading to cure insomnia, my journal is at your service.

I will continue to update my profile in the same manner as always, but I'll keep moving old stuff to the journal as I add new stuff here.

Oh, and I can now take toothpaste with me on airplanes again! Yay for TSA!

Ok, so some people have sent me messages asking me to put more about me in my profile. Apparently some people don't consider a profile complete until they can read about all my favorite bands and what I scored on the "What kind of kisser are you?" quiz...

I really don't haeve much to say about myself in that regard.. and I don't do quizes. Really.. wouldn't you rather start a conversation to learn about me? Does the music I listen to matter that much?

My likes and dislikes? I really like breathing and showering every day. I really dislike smelly people. Good enough?

Seriously, if you want to learn more about ME, then just take the time to shoot a message. Not a bite - a bite isn't an opening line. "Hey, you seem interesting.. can we talk? My name is..." that is a good introduction.

Ok, chalk that up in my "likes" column. I like having conversations with interesting people who are genuinely interested in getting to know me. If you're not interested, hey that's cool too. Party on.

Do you sometimes feel like no matter what you're doing, someone is screwing with you just for the fun of it?

Yeah, I feel like that all the time.

10/3/06 - Been a few days since I updated this. I know, so many of you wait with eager anticipation to see my profile updates...

..yeah, right. I'm talking to myself here. But that's ok, I'll laugh at my own jokes too.

So, no travel this week. I'm re-discovering my addiction to the internet. So many fun things to see and do and so little time.

Actually the new problem is, I've met so many interesting people here I talk to them all the time. On YIM, on MSN, here in the message center... and yeah, I know.. for every 10 interesting, hot, sexy women I meet online, in real life at least one of them looks like this...

Hey, if any of you look like this let me know.. I sat next to this guy on my last United flight.

But seriously.. (I know, like I'm ever serious?) I'm having a great time here meeting new people. It's the members that make the addiction possible. Hopefully I'm fueling someone else's addiction too!

10/5/06 - I hate that little message over there on the right that says "You don't have any friends." Cripes, I knew that. Like I need more evidence than sitting here alone in a hotel room... I don't need this site rubbing it in.

10/16/06 - Ok, this was a weekend from hell. I won't go into all the gory details, but lets just say I returned just in time from my recent trip to get back home just before a freak winter storm hit the area.

Way too early in the season - it caused a lot of damage mainly due to the fact the trees haven't even started dropping their leaves yet so all that snow and ice clinging to the leaves ripped the limbs right off the trees...

It hit Thursday evening and got worse as Friday rolled in. All night the silent air was pierced by the sounds of tree limbs snapping off under the weight of a mid-autumn snow fall.

This is a picture taken Friday morning on the north west side of my yard... a 30 ft maple, split in two, dragged to the ground by the storm.

Yeah, ok.. compared to a hurricane this still isn't bad... but I've done a lot of cleanup and have a lot more in front of me. Two days without power or heat.. many here still don't have power and won't for a while...

The kind of thing that kills a weekend... and people wonder why I just don't even look forward to weekends anymore.

10/23/06 - Against my better judgement I took a flight that connected through Laguardia tonight...

*insert banging head on desk here


Only a 3 hour delay. Hey, at least it didn't crash.

10/28/06 - Back off to Louisville for a couple days tomorrow night. Nice town.. I could actually see myself living there.

Heck, with as frequently as I have to go there in future weeks, I might as well live there.

Of course, with the lovely weather again moving into the northeast, I'll be lucky to get there tomorrow.

And why the hell can't I come up with anything to put in here besides work???

10/31/06 - Yes it's Halloween today, but it's also 1 week from election day here in America. Remember folks - due to the 51% Rocket-Scientist voting population we've had to deal with 8 years of:

Let's use our brains this year, mmmk?

11/06/06 - Three days in Atlanta.

You know, of all the cities in this country I really can't stand being in, this one might top the list.

Why does everyone here act like a beggar and move so slow?

"I moved your suitcase 3 feet for you sir, you know, tips are not included in your hotel rate..."

WHAT? I can move my own f'in laptop bag, I carry it with me every day! You want money to move it from my hand to a shuttle when I didn't ASK YOU to do it?

And they stand there, palm extended as if you're obligated to give them money for such a menial task.

I know what my billable rate is to help businesses with technically challenging problems... what is the billable rate to move a 7 pound bag 3 ft and not even treat it as if it has expensive technology inside of it? $.04? Can we do fractions of pennies? If I pay it in Canadian we can get it up to a full nickle.

And it's everyone. It's ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not cheap by any means. I generally tip waitresses/waiters/bartenders very well from providing good service, but that's what I'm there for. To be waited on, to be served. That is what I am asking them to do. Mr. Sparky-Uniform insisting on taking my ONE bag from me when I'm not asking for help... get bent. I know it's your job, but by the looks of this hotel there's probably 1000 elderly people around here you can help to get you fin from.


[ / rant ]

11/17/06 - Been a few days since I've updated this. Mainly because nothing interesting has happened...

Well, I shouldn't say that.. I've met more very interesting people here. So that automatically makes things more interesting. And let me tell ya, interesting doesn't even do them justice.




The lot of them.

Too cool.

Other than that, had some less than interesting travels... with the exception of take-off in Charlotte last night... one of those windy nights when the plane starts going sideways on the runway as it's trying to get off the ground... always a fun experience. I do suggest everyone tries that at least once...

11/21/06 - Pizza has a pretty infinite shelf-life if it's just cheese, right?

Sometimes the road feels like college...

11/22/06 - ....and sometimes, home feels like the road.


Which would you prefer?

11/29/06 - So I was stranded in an airport today, but they had an area with free wireless.. I won't name the airport I was in, let's just say it's name rhymes with Harlot.

Anyway.. so I get my email.. converse over IM with some friends.. I decide to see if I have any messages on VR, so I bring up www.vampirerave.com and I get in return:


They firewalled frickin' VR.

Of course, you can pull up any other religious site you want to, including really F***ED up ones like Jack Chick...

But with the day I was having it actually made me laugh. Out loud. Which in an airport these days, sitting by yourself and laughing out loud does draw the attention of security...

It was ok. The one guy was gentle, but neither of them used enough lube...

12/18/06 - Been weeks since I've updated this. What a total slacker I am. I wouldn't blame any of you if you dropped me off your friends lists... really.. any of you. Go ahead. Drop me. I'm not kidding.


Ok, well a lot of you I don't mind being on your friends' list. I appreciate knowing you consider me a friend.. or, something. The many of you though, if I'm going to exist there how about if you drop me a message once in a while? Otherwise, what's the point?

So I'm in Boston for a couple days (yay! Fun town!) but things have slowed down mightily for the holiday weeks. We'll see where this goes next year... good golly, if my travels stop, what will I tell you all about? My life will become boring...

Ok, ok.. even MORE boring!

If that's even possible...

12/22/06 - Why is it that every time I look at my current status here, I think it says "Sausage?"

I almost get insulted.. then.. almost flattered... then I realize it's not that at all and say.. crap. I'm still just a savage.


Ok, I have to post this because it just made me laugh way too much not to...

This is my house "card" as interpreted and created by my new best friend, Deadphara. He's an amazing graphics artist with just a sick & twisted enough sense of humor to create this for me!

Outstanding work.. I tip my hat.. and/or.. my gimp mask and beer enema to you sir!

12/29/06 - Have I ever mentioned that I love white tic-tacs? Something about the way they taste at first... much different than the minty flavor you would expect. And they travel easy too...

...just one calorie.. according to that hot blonde chick on the commercial.... do they play that commercial anymore? I never watch tv....

1/07/06 - Hey, I leveled up recently to Shaitan..

Only a real hockey fan will get that joke...

1/12/07 - Ok, apparently my image hoster is having an issue with some directories... I'll give it some time and see if they get it fixed before I put for any effort to fixing the links...

1/13/07 - Image issue is all fixed. My Donald Dick is back and displayed. I'm so happy!

1/18/07 - I've put in some time this week. Lots of time. From Monday through Wendesday night alone I stepped foot in no less than 6 states. 7 different airports, one airport twice, 3 rental cars, over 800 miles driven.... yeah, it's been that kind of week. And not over yet. But it's nice to settle in one place for at least one night....

Tomorrow I go home... I'd say yay, but.. why bother?

1/24/07 - Drinking myself under the table tonight.

Who said this is a dry county?

1/29/07 – I’ve started a new airport game, I have to see how it goes over. But so far so good.

The game is.. “Get the TSA agent to say, please.” Ok, we have to do what they say. Whether it be taking off our shoes or showing a boarding pass – but what happened to common courtesy? Is it so hard to say, “May I see your boarding pass, please?”

One older gentleman in Charlotte today was into it. He actually said “please.” Amazed me. I had to make comment on it, and he seemed a bit surprised that I did. But we had a great laugh over it. A little laughter always makes everyone’s day go better.

The next agent didn’t say please. Well, I just didn’t show her my boarding pass until she did. Completely humorless.

If I end up detained with FBI agents, I know the game isn’t going well. But until that day, gosh darn it, I’m going to demand some polite and courteous behavior!

I’m wondering if I’m going to get the west coast circuit this spring and summer. Things are settling in the south east, but picking up out west. I know I have 3 jobs in Florida on the horizon, one in North Carolina, a couple in Kentucky and Tennessee, but that’s really not much. I think things are going to get much busier. I hope I can get to the South West and North West soon. Or maybe even some trips within the North East… hey, not traveling for 12 hours a week... novel concept.

Oh, I’ve also started typing up all this stuff in word while flying. Why waste time typing it all into VR directly.. and then the inevitable, type out 20 paragraphs and have VR time you out just so you can type it all in again? FEH! I have time to kill on planes, right?

Besides, thoughts and words flow better when the alcohol is also flowing. I’m much looser and I can observe better… like the guy sitting next to me today… I can’t see the title of the book he’s reading... James Patterson... something… but he’s drinking girly vodka mixed drinks.. blah.

Straight Jack is the order of the day.

Ok, I had a margarita (or 3) at the airport Tequilarilla, but tequila is never a wimp drink.

3/10/07 - Been over a month since I've thrown an update at this. Man, been some busy weeks... long weeks. This week was a long week capped by some serious excess. I'll explain more in my journal later.



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