to be honest, i dont even know why i try anymore. when i accomplish something for myself, i still cant find it in myself to be satisfied. or to be happy. why am i like this? i push away my friends. i push away everyone close to me. and dont honestly think in the end that many are going to miss me. ill be out of their lives, in some form or another, and in a passing thought every so often imight be thought of. but ive come to terms with my reality i think. im not important. and im simply not needed. i dont know if thats freeing or not. the truth is, ive relapsed into my only ever real addiction. ive started cutting again. which to be hones is embarrassing. come 2 weeks and ill be 27, and im still carving myself up like a depressed little teenager. im not proud of it. and im not gonna say its an astronomical amount, but all the same the issue is there. who do you turn to when everyone looks to you? who helps you to your feet when you are the one to carry the burden? this is what i think of lately. my coworkers hate me, my friends barely have any respect for me anymore, and i dont think id trust them anyway.my one friend i would talk to doesnt want to speak to me. and thats another thought i have there, why is it that when i speak, nobody seems to understand? is it me? do the words come out different? do i make myself sound that stupid? really? i see it in other people's eyes. the demeaning looks. when i talk, sometimes they pretend to listen. and any normal day, i could tolerate it. but of late, honestly im just too tired. too tired to fight it anymore. i hate it. i hate myself too. i dont need your demeaning looks. i dont need you to thik what you are, because i already KNOW. i was reminded all too often how worthless i was, its been adequately drilled into my brain. when i was 13 and my adopted parents had both died, my only family remaining fought over custody of me. not because they wanted me you understand, but because i carried with me a monthly check of 1500$. and the ones who got me made sure i never saw any of that money. i wasnt allowed to eat unless they said so. my clothes barely fit, and when i made mention of needing new clothes, it was like it was such an issue, and how dare i even suggest needing clothes. we were well off by the way. new vehicles, my brother worked for the oilfield, and their kids had nice new game systems, ect. so there was no excuse for me to have to go to school in my one dirty pair of pants, and feel ashamed. there was no reason i wasnt allowed to eat anything from the cupboard. and the mind games? yeah those were great too. but ill leave that alone for now. the point is, everyone WATCHED and let it happen. nobody came to save me for 4 years. it was only when the state stepped in and said they would put me in foster care, that my other family stepped up and basically kidnapped me. not that they talk to me now either. i dont pay half their mortgage anymore. so what do they need me for? im just looking for something constant here guys. something besides the reminder of how big a loser i really am. and just how little people really care for me. people say hi on the street. but lets be honest here, its a courtesy. they dont fucking care how i am. they dont give a shit how my day was, and if they are polite enough to want to listen, good or bad, they still didnt give a shit. they only asked because thats what people are supposed to do. kinda like how i ramble on here. some of you read it, but you dont fuckin care. its polite to say something maybe. but the reality is i have no bearing on your life. it doesnt make any difference to any of you what i do, where i go, or for what reason. so really i guess these journal entries are more for me to keep some semblance of sanity. not that i feel it works much. as ive already stated, i sound like an idiot. id try a therepist if i thought they would tell me anything useful. im not looking for medication. i dont even know what im looking for. i guess im at that point where im just wandering aimlessly, and im jealous of the happiness everyone else has, and even in the few corners of life that i can find it, i dont fucking take it because i know it wont ever be enough. beautiful blonde girl accepts me,, like me, talks to me, do i persue? nope. because i honestly think in a year i dont think id feel the same way, and that happiness would be fleeting. so why hurt her? why ruin that part of her? thats the same kind of story in so many parts of my life. anyway the sun is coming up. im gonna go crawl into my coffin and hide from it and sleep.
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