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I revisited Death Parade tonight... It always hits me hard, that one. Very few shows, anime or otherwise, can bring out my emotions the way Death Parade does every single time. I still lose it completely at the end of episode 4, when Decim hugs the two contestants and tells them that they did the best they could. I still long to hear someone tell me they're proud of me, that I'm doing the best I can, while they hold me...
Anyway, this song is the ending theme and, well, it resonates.
I've been running on autopilot for the last week or so. I don't understand why I feel this way, why the silence has gotten to me so much, but it has. I can't escape it.
How I long for the days when I was numb, when it took self mutilation to make me feel. If I could just go back to that, that emptiness, that nothing. That numbness...
It's been a horribly long day and I would have given anything to just talk to him like I've gotten so used to doing. But, I'm an idiot who ruins all the good things in her life, so now I don't even have that. It's less everything else, but the loss of my friend hurts more the second time around.
I don't know why it hurts so much, but it does. It feels like complete and utter rejection. The funny thing is, it isn't. But it's having the same effect on me. I dont know what I expected, but it was clearly more than I should have. That will always be my downfall, my expectations. I build things up so much in my head that when reality fails to meet up to that mental image, I'm devistated. The thing is, reality can never meet it. One would think I'd learn, but I never do. And that pain...it's inevitable.
Well, looks like we won't be moving anytime soon. My mom talked to Kevin and he told her that he can't transfer to another department until he's been out on patrol for at least a year. He won't be able to get into a department that will put him on patrol until around April. And, due to the severity of the fires the whole of the west coast has been dealing with, he's not so fond of Washington anymore. It'll probably be New Hampshire instead. So, that throws everything off. I mean, it's probably better to have the time to get everything settled, to get enough money saved up, but at least another year here... I am not looking forward to that. And, my dad is supposed to be moving back here by the end of the year. New Hampshire wouldn't be a bad place to go to though, it's beautiful up there. And it's close to Massachusetts, so I could go to Salem. Maybe I should look into going to school for nursing since I'm going to be stuck here for a while anyway.
I am going to school to be an RN... My Psychology class is already kicking my ass and I am only three weeks in. Working 80 hours a week and trying to do the virtual learning with my son isn't helping my case at all either.
03:08 Sep 11 2020 Times Read: 741
California is just enveloped in smoke. Everywhere I went today, smoke, ash raining down, the smell of things burning.
This was Encino at 2:30 in the afternoon. It wasn't overcast, that's just smoke.
And this was on my drive home along the 210 through Monrovia, you can see the flames now.
I remember one year here in Washington, fire season was as bad as yours is right now. The ash in the air was thick, smoke everywhere. It was like an eternal bbq daily. Working in the pharmacy, we gave out masks for he elderly since it was too difficult to breathe. We could not keep inhalers or nebulizers stocked back then. It was horrible. There were fire crews who were just beyond exhausted. You could see it in their eyes, that they pretty much had lost their humanity fighting the fires. That was just awful back then. Seeing how it is there, took me back.
PRIVATE ENTRY
15:57 Sep 10 2020 Times Read: 781
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
19:53 Sep 09 2020 Times Read: 874
I really hate that fucking profile. The Nazi iconography and the glorification of a "race" of people who wanted to wipe out whole groups of people just because they perceived themselves as the best is utterly disgusting.
It's not against ToS to post up swastikas on your pfiile. It should be, but it isn't.
As someone of Jewish descent, I just find it abhorrent that people want to glorify that shit. And, the owner of said profile knows better, she's not stupid or ignorant.
What the nazis did was horrific people ought to know any glorification is unacceptable. I puke on the swastika always. And forever and weep for the Jewish people. I agree with you.
If you look at the bigger picture, the Aryans had nothing to do with the Nazis. They were a real group of people who were into conquering everyone in their path. It was Hitler who assumed that one day, this so-called "Master Race" will return, and he wanted to accelerate the whole process in a very warped and evil manner.
I was moved by the sentence, "Part of the power that does evil, but works the good." There is some German term for this, that I am not able of spelling. This sentence can be found in the Mein Kampf. Thus I linked it with Faust. Mephisto is evil, using the same lines that Hitler did.
Outpost is a zombie-nazi movie, and yes, I believe in guarding against any form of genocide. People ought to be aware of this misunderstanding of the profile.
Also, in the Hitler regime, the iron cross was awarded as a medallion to military personnel who has slaughtered a million innocent people. I am not speaking of the biker gangs here, though.
Also, Gnosticism was once a taboo religion, and the Gnostics were persecuted for believing in what they believed in.
08:18 Sep 09 2020 Times Read: 901
Can I tell you how happy that made me? Even if the conversation was short, it was still amazing. I haven't heard that voice in over 7 years, but it's just as I remembered it. The smile, oh if only you could see how much I was smiling the whole time.
Reconnecting with old friends made me realize that this world is just too big, there's always so much distance. It's rather unfair of fate to throw amazing people into my life and then make it so they live 2200 miles away...
My voice starts cracking toward the end because I'm an emotional bitch... And not the best overall, but I really don't care. This is meant for one person and one person only.
Now, I'm not saying they're a catfish, but, well, there are an awful lot of red flags. And while my advice won't be heeded, just learn who exactly is the person behind that computer screen before you fall too hard. Messages and texts full of pretty words are nice to get, I know, but all I have to say is try video chatting before you give your heart away. It'll save you a lot of pain, wasted time.
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