I'd kill to be able to see Infinity War tonight, alas, I probably won't get to see it for a while. I might have to just catch it online at some point. I've seen just about every Marvel film in theaters, usually within the first week, the one exception being Thor: Ragnarok which I didn't see in the theater at all (though I really wish I had). So it's a little weird to be sitting a major film out like this. Oh well, that's what happens in life sometimes. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long before I can afford to see it.
I'm so slow on the uptake here, I just realized I got my 12 year batty earlier this month. 12 years, man. That's a lot.
Can't sleep. Nightmares. You'd think I'd be used to the scenes that play out in my head, but I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. There's stuff that I dream about that scares the shit out of me. Like, why? Why do I dream of the death and the gore and all of it? What the hell is wrong with me that this has to be a frequent issue? Between the nightmares and the sleep paralysis, sleep is becoming a big problem. The melatonin doesn't even ensure a restful night like it used to. I don't know... It's easy when I sleep next to Joe. But... I am afraid of the night I scream out or wake up in tears or a cold sweat next to him, what he'll think of me. Because it will happen. I don't know...
Saturday, well I guess tomorrow, I'm going out with my mom and my two aunts and maybe my younger cousin, Brenna. We're gonna go see a movie and have some lunch. It was a year on Monday. A year since my Nana died. Maybe that's why sleep has been so hard for me this week... I don't know... A year... And I still miss her like crazy. A year for her, a year for Ishtar back in February, a year for Aphrodite last month, and it'll be a year for Mongo in a few days... It tears me apart. But I haven't really talked about it I've just bottled up the emotions and hid them away. I break down when I'm alone every now and then, but it's okay. It's nothing I can't deal with on my own. As long as I don't get back to that mindset I was in in late December, I'll be fine. Death is something I'm pretty used to dealing with, so it's nothing new. I miss them, though. I miss them all so fucking much...
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