Something very few people knew, (until I out it all here...) was that Wednesday night I tried to take my own life. Clearly it didn't succeed, as I'm still very much alive... But the thing is, I actually tried. For the first time since I was 16, I gave into these feelings, these thoughts and went for it. I don't know if I'm happy that I didn't die. I'm still so... Broken. So fucked up. Still this fucking mess of a person. This last week has been so horrible, so fucking hard. The only somewhat positive thing is that I've been talking to Joe. He's been concerned about my behavior. But... It's not the same. It's never going to be the same with us. Everything is so messed up right now. Has been so messed up this entire year. And I want to think that things will get better with the new year, but who am I kidding? Things in my life don't usually ever get better. It either stays the same as it always was or it gets so much worse. I can't do the same. And I sure as hell can't do worse. I can't do any of this anymore.
Probably gonna wind up giving my accounts away. This one and my other Lifetime Sire. Being here isn't helpful to me, what little I am here... Gonna delete Facebook. Gonna just... Go away.
I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately. Just finding a quiet place to go kill myself. It's been something I've been battling for the last eight months or so now. Every single day is a constant struggle not to swallow every pill in my house, not to drive the car into a light post or telephone pole. I was alright for a little while, when I had Joe, but I've fucked that up royally so now it's just like... What's the fucking point anymore? This isn't a cry for attention. This is just me, expressing my feelings because it's the only outlet I have. I can't even talk to anyone about this. I told Juan how I was feeling and his response was to tell me I can't kill myself because it's morally wrong and I'd go to hell. And then he stopped talking to me. So... I don't know. I don't know how to deal with this, how to even bring it up to my family. I'm not in a good place, I'm not in a good mindset. And I just can't do this anymore.
I am sorry your going through this. I went through moments like this. Maybe just talking to a counselor would help. I know it helped me a lot just sharing my feelings with someone. A lot of people fear getting help for suicidal feelings because they are afraid they will be locked up. Feelings are one thing acting on those feelings is completely another thing. I hope you get the relief you need without acting on those feelings and I say that not to make you feel ashamed but because I would hate to see any life cut short for any reason. We all know life isn't always easy or things can be going great but you just are not. Good luck.
To repeat, permanent solution to temporary problem. You don't have to go through this alone, your Cheshire will always be here for you. =^.^=
I know you dont know me. But I beg for you not to. I know how it is.. I know you are at your lowest but you can only go up from here.
Do something new. Go walk in nature or a park, or make a point to write what you are thankful for.
You're not alone. I am here if you want to talk.. And if you are so alone you want to talk to someone anonymously-I have been to that point- call a helpline. Someone I dont know saved my life that way..
I've been in a similar place Nicole, and I kept telling myself just one more day. Challenge yourself to earn a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. The focus is good, staying active is good, meeting new people is good. Try it
I don't mean to laugh at your predicament, but, there was a time, I recall, until two months ago.... where I would just sit down and think of a nice place to go kill myself. I was and will never take my own life in this god-forsaken country I am in... because it is just not grand enough.
Paris would be nice, the Eiffel Tower, perhaps I should throw myself off that building? Or, a nice mountainous region like the Grand Canyons in the US? Or the Niagara Falls? Or the Taj Mahal? Somewhere nice and memorable... you know, to die in a grand manner... Just not this ugly location I am stuck in.
You know what I mean? The buildings here are so mellowed and plain that suicide is just not worth it, because the place is ugly. X(
On a more serious note, I hope this feeling of yours passes... Do take care...
Suicidal thoughts should never be ignored ... maybe you need to talk to someone ... maybe some professional help. If you need to talk or maybe just vent, I am here.
Sometimes life just flat out sucks. But if you were to commit suicide, you would be missing out on the chance of it getting better and having the best life possible. Sometimes it feels like it's just too much, but you're stronger than you know. The mind loves to play games. The heart gets broken by the mind. It's always easier said than done, but believing that life will get better is the key. Fight to make your life better.
Taking a look around the journals section and you would think the only real active members, aside from the admins, are the same five or six idiots spouting the same tired bullshit that they always spout. Seriously, we're all tired of seeing it day after day. We're tired of your stupid little cycles where you're all friends one day then enemies the next.
It's a major part of why I don't log in all that often anymore, save to make my journal entries, check messages, and take a gander at the Forums and my other duties. Well, that and the fact that unlike the children who sit here calling each other names, I actually have a life. I've been there, I've been at that point where the drama effected me, and I allowed it to consume me. But, funny thing is, I grew up and out of that toxic mentality. And it is toxic. How fulfilling can your life be when you sit on a computer all day and ramble on a about this person or that person and how horrible they are? Doesn't it get old for you? But, whatever. These journals fall on deaf ears, people here very rarely change for the better. Keep doing what you do, guys.
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