I should sleep, but I can't. I'm still having the nightmares, I'm still dealing with the sleep paralysis. The things I see, they scare me. They scare me so much. So, instead, I've been fiddling around on Spotify, adding and removing a bunch of music to my favorite playlist. It's so eclectic at this point. There's just a little bit of everything I love musically.
Today is the last day for the Dawning in Destiny 2. I haven't been playing much these last few months, let alone these past few weeks that the event has been active. So, I'm going to try and put in some time on that today, try and finish off what I can. Destiny has just lost so much of it's appeal. I'm ready for something new. The next game I want to jump into is Anthem, and that drops late February. I'm really hoping it doesn't disappoint because I've been following the game since it's premiere at E3 in 2017. Other than that, I don't know, video games have kinda lost their appeal. I'm not even all that excited about the new Kingdom Hearts game. Meh.
Life is slowly getting better, I think. I'm enjoying things more than I have, I'm smiling again. Really smiling. I'm looking forward to getting back into the gym on a daily basis. I really need to work on me right now. I started writing again, which is a miracle because for the longets time I just couldn't. It wasn't there. I want to see if I can get myself drawing and painting again. I want to go out and take some pictures. I'm long overdue for a visit to the Getty Villa and the Huntington Library. I think I'll go in spring, when the water lilies and wild roses are blooming. A new year, a new beginning. I'm not content with being the same person I was all of this year, so I'm going to actively be making changes where I think appropriate.
So, I survived another Christmas. It was actually good. I haven't been this into the holiday for years, usually this time of year leaves me a horribly depressed monster. I got a few gifts, nothing extravagant or anything, and that's quite alright with me. What I most wanted was a gym membership, which my parents got for me. So, come the new year, that's what I'll be doing. I want to start working on bettering myself again, mind, body. I need change. I have the motivation to do it, I really want to do it. So, that's gonna be fun.
I did manage to get myself sick, it really hit me when I got home from my aunt's house Christmas Eve. So, unfortunately, that means I can't go see Franz tonight while he's working the 80's bar. Well, I could, but it's best that I don't so that I'm all good to see him for our date on Saturday. He'd be focused on his KJ work tonight anyway so I wouldn't really get to spend time with him unless I held out until after he was done at 2. I'd much rather wait for Saturday when I can have him all to myself.
I was out getting water and some random dude sitting outside the shop said I was "mad beautiful" in that geeky/nerdy way. That's nice to hear, honestly. I don't do well with compliments, I don't know how to react when I get them, but it's been so long since I heard I was beautiful. It was really what I needed to boost up my deflated self-esteem and put me in a slightly better mood.
It's difficult. Trying to fall back into the routine from before I met him. Because for the last year, we talked every day. Every day... It's hard to get past that. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that no one really talks to me now.
The first Avengers: Endgame trailer was just released and oh my god! It looks soooooo good! I've watched five times already. Come on April, get here quick!
I want to get back into writing, it was always my escape, my way to express my thoughts and feelings without having to struggle with speaking them out loud. But I can't find my voice. Every time I try to just sit and write something out, I wind up just staring at the paper, lost. There is so much I need to get out, so much I need to say because right now it's all just bottled up inside me, driving me insane. I need to find a way to let it all go that isn't self destructive. That's all my behavior has been these last few months, self destructive. I can't afford to do therapy with a licensed person, and what few friends I still speak to, I don't want to drag them into my darkness. Writing was all I had. And now, I can't even manage that.
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