When he says my name, as he says it so rarely, it just electricfies me. And leaves me with the most wonderfully stupid smile on my lips. Especially when he says it after he says he loves me. I could die happy in those moments.
Talking video games and anime with him just makes me smile.
Is it bad that I just want a major earthquake to hit and destroy everything? I am in a self-destructive mood today, and I just can't get myself back to what I would consider normal for me. I don't like feeling like this.
I know the feeling. Luckily the mood doesn't come as often as it used to for me. Now, these days I feel...mostly empty, like nothing, which can lead to not caring, and a self destructive/hateful, fucking miserable mood. It can help to channel these energies into a creative project. But often times when I am feeling this emptiness, always...all the time, I can not feel creative because I am incapable of coming up with something to draw. Art almost seems impossible...but if you just start some where, with something, I promise art can help your mood. I promise.
There's only one person in the whole wide world that I want to talk to, and he's not online. I love when that happens.
I just want to curl up in bed and listen to him breathe on Skype. Is that weird? I don't know, and I don't really care. It's what I want more than anything right now.
I don't feel like myself. I haven't for a while. I'm just going through the motions of everyday life, not really here.
So, late last night/early this morning, I was told something that, honestly, made me unbelievably happy. Te amo. It's a big deal, saying such things, but I meant what I said, and he did too. And, really, it's something I have felt for a long, long time. I only had the courage to voice it now.
I want to cheat so badly, there is quite a bit of temptation round here, but the results I am getting make me stick to the plan. It's all too good to fuck up.
According to my clinic, I may be anemic. My hemoglobin count isn't where it should be. And, well, anemia would explain a lot. But, as I don't have insurance at the moment, I cannot go and get that checked out properly. Meh. Anemia won't kill me anytime soon, so I think I'm alright for now.
Nekirena is inviting all the Lunazure members to contribute to the Alliance by making a banner for it. This was my attempt... I think it reads that I was trying too hard to imitate what Moonie did for the House Crest. Ugh. I don't know about this one...
I feel so sick on the inside. I am going to welcome the change tomorrow with open arms, as I really don't think I could have done this for another day.
I have been meaning to create something for Lunazure's Alliance. I have it all set up in my head, and I am fairly certain I can bring it to life if I just sit down and do it. It's the sitting down and getting it done part that I haven't really had the desire to do. It means getting on the computer, and I find myself constantly avoiding that. Maybe tonight I can try to work on it. I mean, I really want to do it, but I don't as well.
The ball is rolling, there is no going back now. It's going to be a long ride, but it will be totally worth it in the end.
Things will be changing drastically for me over the next five or so months leading up to my birthday. I will be cutting out the bad habits I have picked up over the years, and committing to something that will be great for me, but is going to take a lot of work and effort on my part. So, I don't know if my time here will be cut even shorter than it already is, but I am sure that VR will be on the back burner for a while. I need to finally sort things out and do what I need to do.
I'm watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower and I am really enjoying it. I've never read the book, but I think I may have to now.
Holy family drama, Batman. This drive home from Yuma is going to be the longest drive ever with my aunt, cousin, and second cousin all in the back. The ride up here was bad, but after last night everything is just going to suck.
I am thinking about giving up VR for Lent, as well as soda and junk food and a few other things. The soda thing is going to kill me. I don't drink a lot of it, but it is nice to have a glass every now and then. Plus, going to Arizona is going to make it hard, as my grandmother seems to stock up on Pepsi and Code Red Mtn Dew for me. But, I will survive. And it will be better for me anyway. So yeah, if you don't see me on for the next month and a half, you will know why.
Fantastic service this morning. I am seriously considering becoming a member of the church, not just someone who comes every Sunday, but a real, involved member. This church feels like home to me, and though I have only gone for a few weeks, I simply love it. The people are so nice, so welcoming, and the pastors give such wonderful sermons. So yeah, I think I am going to talk to someone next week, see what paths are open to me.
Is it silly to say that I enjoy falling asleep with you? Because I do. I really, really do.
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