These hours, when I'm alone, lying in the dark, are the hardest for me. Because it's really at this time when my mind wants to ruin me. I'm trying so hard not to break down again, but I can't stop the tears from falling. I can't stop my mind from dwelling on the things I said. The things I didn't say. The "what if"s. What if I had called out to him? What if I had embraced him? What if I hadn't been such a bitch to him? What if. What if. What if... I just want to sleep, but even then I'm not safe. I've been having dreams about him. I wish I could stop feeling. Stop the pain.
And so we closed that book... With distance and time, I'll be okay again. I only sat in the car outside his place crying for 20 minutes this time. It's progress. I don't regret this last year, he helped me understand things about myself and helped me change some of my more toxic behaviors. And for that, I will be forever grateful. I still love him. Of course I still love him. But part of love is letting go. It's time we both let go.
I'm back in that mindset I was around Christmas last year, and, honestly, it's terrifying. Because of what I did. What I attempted. I don't want to go down that road again, but I'm sitting here, wondering why not just finish it? I hate this. Things were getting better, I was in such a good place for a while there, and then I get thrown right back into my ever consuming darkness. I can't escape it.
I've been watching Crazy Rich Asians a lot lately. I bought it over the weekend and I've watched it three times already. I just really love it, everything about it. Plus, it's easier to get lost in entertainment than it is to deal with my own issues right now. But, seriously, I love that movie. Like, a lot. A lot. It's fantastic.
I act like I'm okay, that this is fine. But, truth be told, I'm not. Not even a little bit. However, things are what they are, and this time, there's no going back. There are no more apologies and "I love you"s. Nothing will fix it this time. It's hard to accept something is over when that something was all you wanted. When the proposals of marriage, the idea of living together, starting a life together, when it was all I wanted...
I'll get through this, I always do. It will take time, lots of time. I thought he was the one... And maybe I've been fooling myself all along this last year, but it's how I felt. I know things were always so turbulent with us, our relationship was either the highest of high or the lowest of low. But, we made it work,we were beginning to find a middle ground between the extreams. But, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. This is life.
There is no going back, no matter how much your heart tells you its surely meant to be. I go back and forth all the time myself. But he is where he is and I am where I'm at. Life is cruel like that. I feel for you hun, life is what it is no matter what comes along. To feel it though and to want it though are never beyond us, surely were blessed to know it.
Well, what do you know, I suppose not all is lost with that adorable nerd. While there are no guarantees in things, we do have a date planned. It'll be so nice to see him again.
Honesty, I'm not all that upset because it's officially over between us. It's been heading that way for a long time. What bothers me the most is that in this year of on again/off again bullshit, I pushed other people I actually liked away to make us work. Like my adorable nerd. He really liked me. And I killed any chance of a relationship because I wanted to make Joe and I work. I wanted to put my attention on that, to focus solely on that. And in the end it was all for nought. People I had so much in common with, who were on my level sexually, pushed away because I wanted to really try. It aggrivates me. A year. A year of my life wasted on this disaster of a relationship...
I miss having someone I could talk to, someone I could confide in. I've burned so many bridges and pushed so many people away over the years that now, when I actually need someone, I find myself alone. And, I don't know how to change it.
Feels like this is actually the end.
You know, you're one to talk about people stealing words and themes and whatever the fuck else from you. I remember a number of times when you straight up stole entire Coven pages from me, my words, my themes. Pot, meet kettle. You're just as bad as the people you constantly bitch about.
That's the kind of response I get because I can't babysit... Yeah, that's totally fair to me.
I'm sorry, but why the fuck does anyone need more than 10 profiles here? Hell, why do you need more than 5? How do you people handle your 15+ profiles? I hardly have time to log into this one, my alts are pretty forgotten most days. But how? How do you people manage that many accounts. Let alone find the money to keep them all Premium? It's fucking crazy.
I had fun out with my family tonight. My nephew is the cutest little boy ever. I think he really had fun, he was a little afraid at first, but towards the end he was walking to the doors without holding Liz's hand. It's hard to believe he's already a year and a half. He's growing up so quickly! It was a good night, I'm really glad I was able to have it.
Kevin texted my mom a little while ago asking if we'd want to go see The Book of Morman with them next Thursday in LA. I jumped all over that, I've been wanting to see that show for years. So, hopefully he'll be able to get some tickets.
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