I asked him if we could go back to the way it was in the beginning. Back when he was more open with me, when conversations between us didn't just comprise of Xbox topics. He said he'd try. He's so much like me, so reserved and so quick to keep his thoughts to himself... But, I feel like this is a step in the right direction. I feel like if we can go back to that, it'll put us back on track. This relationship has been so rocky for so long, but maybe, just maybe, this can help stabilize things. Here's to hoping, anyway.
I read through all our text messages tonight. Every single one from the first to the most recent. There were lots of little fights, tears, laughter, petnames, and "I love you"s. So many ups and downs in the year and a half we've known each other. And... I wouldn't take any of it back. Because, despite everything, he's all I've ever wanted. And, even if we're only ever to remain in this somewhat uneasy friendship, at least I still have a part of him to hold on to.
Despite everything that has come to pass...
I hope you're doing well.
So... Long story short, I have yet more waiting to do. And all the waiting I did before? Oh, well, that was for absolutely nothing. I'm not happy, but things were at least finally taken care of, as they should have been back in fucking August...
Things are stagnant at the moment. I was so excited to start this journey, and now it's been months and months of simply waiting. I can't stand it. And, at this point, I'm getting pretty desperate. I wish things would just hurry up so I can actually start walking this path I sorted out for myself. It's been far longer than it should have been, and I just don't know what to do about anything right now.
Watching Deadpool tends to make everything somewhat better. It wasn't the best night, but this is a good way to end it. Curled up in bed with two kitties cuddled against me while Ryan Reynolds brings an awesome comic book character to life on the tv. Yeah, I'll take this.
You know, normally I wouldn't care, but for someone who stated they wanted nothing to do with me any longer, I sure do see your name pop up in my Last 10 pretty often. We burned our bridges, so why are you interested in what I write here?
I'm not going to say stay out of my journal, because, honestly, that's stupid. I simply request that if you feel you must read what's here, you do so while not logged in so I don't have to see your name.
I'm beginning to understand why being friends with Chris isn't good. For either of us. Things have become so unbelievably rocky between us for quite some time, and there's no evidence that it will actually change. It's hard, to break away from someone I care so deeply about, but I'm starting to see that holding on to him isn't healthy for me. It's screwing me up in so many different ways. He's even stated now that the thought of us getting back together isn't a thing anymore. So, what am I holding onto at this point?