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Fi's Journal


Fi's Journal

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24 entries this month

 

Depression II

12:58 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 481


Never an easy life to live

If you hate yourself

And never forgive

Them for what

They did to you

Years ago they

Took away

Your life

Your world

And it's

Always your fault

For thinking

And never moving on

Your life

Your world

Your mistake

Never should have

Been born

Because

It's always your fault

And when you sink

You always reach for

Paper and ink

And keep lines with you

Close to your heart

As if they were wire

As if it would start

All over again

But no

It ends

Suicide

Another contemplation


COMMENTS

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Deathgrip

12:57 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 482


Death grips me with a nicotine stained mind.

Tar stained fingers, and a carbon framed life.

Death grips me with lungs full of smoke.

An easy death - please, just one more toke.


COMMENTS

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Journals

12:57 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 483


My soul has been burnt.



My spirit, charred.



What I left on those pages were thoughts and scars.



I wanted to think, I needed to write.



Now all that's left is an empty life.



Why did I burn them?



What made me change?



Why give in to their emphatic ways?



Now I see clearer.



Without them I'm free.



But I still miss them...



They were a part of me.


COMMENTS

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Half The Image

12:56 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 484


Half an image mirrored.



The whole is not quite real.



Half the time; timid.



Paranoia - ordeal.


COMMENTS

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Ice Queen

12:55 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 485


The ice queen burns and melts -

like her, I surrendered.



Around you,

I surround you.



Unlike her, I remembered.


COMMENTS

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Elimination

12:55 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 486


I delegate you to renegade,

and in retrospect, I know you'll hate

positions held and not replaced by fools,

be we hardy, we eliminate.


COMMENTS

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Open

12:54 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 487


The door is open my persuasive friends.

The walls are down, attack me please.

The windows have jammed - manipulative sounds.

Twist my arm, and ask again.

(Demand that I tolerate for your pleasure.

Can't you see that I'm crumbling under pressure.)


COMMENTS

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Ultima Ratio

12:52 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 490


Emulate the nation.

In retrospect, evade them.

On second thoughts, you need valour

to put them in their places.


COMMENTS

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Joke

12:52 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 491


This world's a joke,

so take a toke and get out.

Reaching out for sense, for sanity.

Profanities spoil the selfish undelivered thoughts and I crack.

I've been dealt the crap before.

I implore you to stop before you break,

before I get the chance to take you under.

No slumber for me, not tonight.

Rest easy.

For right now, you're alive - if only just.

I'm solely to muster the thought and you're dead.

Be prepared - you haven't seen anything yet.


COMMENTS

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Fool

12:50 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 492


Winding down the streets were paved with gold so long ago.

Finding out how throughout the ages there was always one to bear no hope.



Today...

Today, it's me.



I will tell you how it was suppose to be,

and why it's not.



Today...

Today, you'll see



that it's not only you suffering.

There are things out there you will not believe.



Forceful statements made to fill your head with right not wrong is what you hear.

You have never been so false.

Under illusion within society's institution.



Today...

Today is the day



I can make you understand.

If I have to lead you by the hand to make you see what I demand then I will.


COMMENTS

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Hypocrite

12:48 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 493


Why do I listen to you when you go against the things you say?

Always there to give advice with your meaningless mumbles and hypocritical ways...... and you expect me to obey.

You pray to a god that doesn't exist.

Speaking words of 'wisdom', you lean over me and preach;

Open your mind... "

Well it shows how narrow-minded you can be.

Expecting me to believe in something that is supported by nothing but fallacy.

My views are strong and my bite is bitter.

Learn to live without pulling the strings.

The noose has gone and I feel better.

I'm not your puppet and I never was.


COMMENTS

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Thief

12:47 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 494


I look and see all these things

I do not need nor ever want.

But yet sold to steal what is owed -

I am told I am not deserving.



This is the way of the world.

This is how things work,

and still it keeps on turning.

This isn't fantasy, nor my reality.

I am lost behind the curtain.



I hope this day will bring events that keep me here grounded.

No sanity, no right to plead.

No privacy, I'm astounded.



This is the way of the world.

This is how things work,

and still it keeps on turning.

This isn't fantasy, nor my reality.

I am lost behind the curtain.


COMMENTS

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Mountain

12:45 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 495


I wonder if I can climb to the top of the mountain,

and look down to see everyone below.

I wonder if I can breathe the air so thin,

I'll be tired but deservedly so.

I'll be conquering dreams and battling my demons.

I am soon to realise as my sadness ceases:

that it's not about fame, nor is it about money.

But personal achievements and being all you can be.


COMMENTS

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Days

12:42 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 497


If I could, I'd repeat those days again.

With you, I'd capture this world in my hands.

It's not hard to see who I've become.

Another lost life, in a mind so numb.

Days turn to hours, but the nights wear on.

Fields of flowers, never there for long.

Knowing this place, hearing that song...

To love and hate, and to look upon.

I will never forget you. I will never abandon.

Seeing your face has me standing again.


COMMENTS

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Ebony

12:41 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 498


The young woman felt a sharp twinge in her arm. She clamped a pencil between her teeth and grimaced. She could feel the fluid streaming beneath her skin and she didn't like it one bit. Surely a flu injection shouldn't feel this bad she thought, and as soon as she did, it was over; much to her delight.



Her name was Ebony; Ebony Faulkner and she wore her fair hair cropped, hiding her sapphire eyes beneath a long fringe. Her trend was gothic, to go with her name she chose for herself nigh on a year ago. This was her, eternally her, and for no one would she change.



Ebony slipped on her hooded jacket, being careful not to brush her arm, said her thanks to the doctor and headed out of the surgery with her mother. Why she would ever say thanks to someone who just caused her pain, she would never know.


COMMENTS

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The Key

12:40 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 499




"Daddy's little girl; she hates the world..." – LITHIK



Chapter One



Sixteen-year-old Georgia plucked from the ashtray several cigarette butts and picked them apart. Separating the tobacco from the tar-stained paper. Once she decided that she had enough tobacco to roll again, she did exactly that. Georgia didn't have enough money for smokes, and her addiction was far too great for nicotine gum – not that she could afford it anyway.

Reaching down to the floor, she pulled up a four-pack of tepid lager and plonked them hard on her desk.

"Shit." she muttered to herself, displeased. Didn't mean to do that.



Georgia sparked up her ciggy and reached for a can, twisting it out of the plastic matrix. She sighed, opened the beer and downed several large mouthfuls before placing it down again to take a drag on her cigarette.



***



"Gee, Gee?" Her dad called from the living room.



"What!" Georgia called back, interrupted.



"You going out tonight?"



"Nope." She mumbled, taking another puff of her ciggy.



"What?"



"No!" She exclaimed, seemingly fed up with the sound of his voice.

COMMENTS

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A New World: Introducing Areyn

12:39 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 500


Fake fleur-de-lis hinges seemed to float in the whiteness of her room, captivating, as if opening this beautifully designed door would lead somewhere. To a secret garden filled with the most picturesque scenery one could ever imagine. Like twisting the ringed gate-like handle, would bring about the start of a brand new world. It didn't, but she could dream. Her bed, large, half-empty was but a few feet away. She still felt alone. Now more than ever and no matter how hard she tried to escape, she would eventually find herself back in reality feeling more and more depressed. Yet laying there, exposed and naked, upon the detailed black satin sheets, she thought of the one she loved. As if he'd suddenly open that door so casually and come for her. That she'd no longer have to be alone.


COMMENTS

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You're Not Alone

12:37 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 502


Don't you see your future?

Haunted by your past,

I guess it's hard to see the light.

Hold on.

Keep strong.

You think you're not,

but you are stronger than all of us.

Why do you hide?

What do you fear?

What keeps you here?

…and your eyes bleed those tears,

when you think and you breathe something you can't change.

Don't you see?

You're not alone.


COMMENTS

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Vivid

12:36 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 503


Haunting, daunting, a neon white glow.

Enhancing and entrancing the eyes to swallow.

The relaxation of muscle, of bone.

Staring into space. Mellow...

A beautiful romance in trance of a shape.

A vivid pattern of features upon her face.

The realisation of life in her cradle.

There's no space for people.

The lace around the pillar candle.

Around her neck, a stone shone proudly.

A suffocating reminder of insanity caused by her extreme misanthropy.


COMMENTS

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Unimpressed

12:35 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 504


I have a lot to say, but I'll leave it to you.

Unimpressed with a vision of destruction.

Observation at it's best, when left alone.

Fuck knows. Smoke dope, throw up.

Sniffing the fumes of out-of-date jokes down into your system of incoherence and absurdity.

Control me for I am a robot. R

eady to fucking kill you if you set me off again.


COMMENTS

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Train Of Thought

12:34 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 505


The table has a rash.

Like the chairs, like the grass.

Early morning dew drops forming and I trace them into one.

Shapes frenzied, patterns galore.

Ash drops.

Rivers like tears connecting the unknown as I stumble through the door.


COMMENTS

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Her

12:33 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 506


Cold hands.

Cold.

I've already told her no.

Cut the pain away.

Life isn't for her today.

Steal the hands of a ticking clock and in her world she freezes.

Knife to wrist she stares, and in your mind she loses.

Replace the time with tears undone, and tell her that she bruises.

Take the knife and send her home.

I will keep her moving.


COMMENTS

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Newborn

12:31 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 507


Gothic images in the eyes of purity.

A loving home in the arms of darkness.

Clench tightly the hand of impossibility.

Security in the grip of the unknown.


COMMENTS

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An unfinished werewolf tale...

12:30 Jan 31 2011
Times Read: 508


Prologue



The weather in metropolis this evening was ominous. An overcast sky gave way to heavy rain, which appeared as though it would never end. The lightening that charged across the sky was abruptly ensued by an enormous crack of thunder, which consequently blacked out the city of London within a half-mile radius.



Five minutes earlier…



She strode towards her bedroom with definition. In one of her arm's she hugged several used notebooks and magazines, and in the other, she held a freshly made cup of black coffee.

Standing sideways on, she used her shoulder to push open the bedroom door. It popped ajar, and she carried on inside.

The young woman placed her coffee down gently on the bedside table to the right of her and dropped her books onto the rumpled bed in front. She turned to close her bedroom door, and as she did, the bedroom light dimmed.

"Shit…" muttered the woman, displeased. She marched out of her room to the open-planned kitchen and pulled open several drawers in search of candles and a lighter. No sooner had she done that, the lights flickered again.

"It's going to be one of those nights."



Chapter One



The glow of each candle threw ever-changing patterns of light onto every surface in the quaint public house. Diners carried on their meals with their loved ones or colleagues as if nothing had happened and the drunks at the bar found that they now had something to chat about.

In between the drunks at the end of the bar and the consumers on numbered tables to the right, sat a burly man, Hunter, and next to him, Jim, both physically and mentally his complete opposite of a brother.

The scrawny bloke appeared to be in his late twenty's with an unkempt look about him, and he sat hunched with his arms crossed on the bar before an empty pint glass. With no hardship, he pushed the glass away from him with the back of his hand and it shot forward, stopping just short of the edge.

"We're going." Stated Hunter, firmly, whilst rising from his stool.

"'Ang on a minute bruv, I've only 'ad one pint!" Exclaimed Jim still sitting in his seat.

"That's enough Jim." …And with that said, he collared Jim from his barstool, walked to the exit and pushed him out the door.



It made a change. It definitely made a change from being inside. Everywhere now was shrouded in complete darkness.

"What the fuck was that for!"

Jim composed himself and let his eyes adjust to the darkness.

Ignoring Jim, Hunter started to walk. Jim threw his hands up in the air, made a remark, and then reluctantly followed.

"Is it time?" Jim exhaled catching up to his brother's brisk walking pace.



No reply.



"Answer me. Ah, for fuck's sake Hunter. Is… it… time?"

Jim gave up trying and settled with walking by his brother's side in silence.



The storm was waning. Still no light came from streetlamps or windows, and cloud covered what was to be a reasonably bright night.

"Oi, oi bruv!" Jim said smugly.

"'Ave a look what I've just found."

Jim stopped, pulled his hands from his pockets and picked up a sodden leather wallet from the pavement. Hunter stopped ahead of Jim and rotated to face him with a disappointed look upon his face.

Jim rolled his eyes in contempt and sifted through the wallet, discarding anything that wasn't of use to him. He pocketed the money, kept the ID card and threw the rest on the ground then carried on with Hunter to their territory.

It wasn't far away now. A burning grin of satisfaction etched itself across Hunter's face.

"It's time."



Chapter Two



The man's imagination ran wild. Knowing London and what could happen to him if he didn't quicken his pace going home would surely be his last mistake.

Luckily he didn't live too far away, and his home was only a couple of roads down from where he worked that evening.



His warm green eyes darted upwards, looking at the scale of the apartment block; he then threw his eyes back on the keys in his hand. He fiddled, found the key and let himself in. Once inside, the man ran his fingers through his clipped mousy brown hair and sighed with relief, then headed up the stairs to his apartment.



Shit, it's dark in here.



***



Droplets on the window formed maze-like patterns. The rain was lighter now, but everywhere was still dark except from the vivacious glow of candles dotted around people's windowsills.

The young woman sat in her armchair half-asleep, clutching her journal, and listening to the rain.

The sound of something jingling and scratching at the door shocked her awake. She faced the door and as she did, it opened causing her to jump again.



"Lauren?" questioned a calming voice in shadow. "Just me,"


COMMENTS

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