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I awake to nothing but silence,
All around me, nothing as far as I can see.
It is both infinite,
stretching on like a never ending road,
and claustrophobic,
Pressing in on all sides.
It is every where and everything.
Some call it sin, others pain and sorrow,
Others evil, and to some it is but the absence of anything, a void.
But the name; as much a perfect description as well as an identification,
Is darkness.
I can not help but be consumed by it.
It pervades my every thought.
It feeds on my soul and heart,
Growing stronger with every mistake, every fear, every sadness.
It is an insatiable beast forever gnawing within my mind.
That is where I reside.
Locked in solitary confinement.
Surrounded by the horror of what we call life.
Surrounded by the parting screams of the lost.
Surrounded by the voices of many calling for my demise.
A whirlwind of hate, pain, and sadness, forever clawing into my flesh,
Rending me to the bone,
Tearing at the fabric of my reality as I desperately try to fight.
I swing and lash out at random,
Unable to see my assailants.
Yet every swing I take is but another blow upon my flesh and soul.
Each blow removing my strength chunk by chunk until I find myself on both knees.
Broken, battered, and exhausted.
Feeling the weight of the world upon me,
Willing me to fall even further.
Yet the blows continue, the screams grow louder, the voices call for an end,
The vortex swirls faster and faster,
All reaching an apex,
A moment where all almost ceases to be distinguishable.
In that very moment a sudden hush, an instantaneous quiet falls,
But only a moment as a noise begins.
It starts off as a single loud CRACK.
And then another follows,
And another.
And soon there are too many to count.
And then a loud crash as my very being shatters.
I fall through, screaming for life.
Knowing that I must be falling to my death.
Feeling with absolute certainty though I can not see it,
That at any moment I will hit the bottom and die.
Then I awake once more.
Back in the box.
Back at the beginning of it all.
Only this time,
I resign to it.
Knowing now that all of it is ineludible.
There is no escaping myself.
This will be my fate.
This is my destiny to repeat this cycle.
So I submit.
I am lost.
I am alone.
And so it shall be.
For I have fallen beyond the realm of saving.
I have reached the deepest depths of hell.
None remain who can rectify my wrongs.
There is no salvation.
I'm irredeemable, unsalvageable.
I have been forsaken.
And so I surrender.

I fled into myself,
Retreating to long forgotten lands,
I am swallowed whole by hate and fear,
Despair and sorrow, loneliness and restlessness.
I fall further within this rabbit hole of madness,
grasping around in the dark like some helpless thing,
Shuffling through the belly of the mountain
Long lost and forgotten,
Terrified but silent,
For the darkness is all encompassing.
It consumes everything, my sight, my mind, my soul.
It folds all infinitely,
like a piece of paper for some piece of art,
Only its art is desolation and decay,
The culmination of all things unholy,
brought from the deepest pits to burn all to but a pile of ash.
As I shuffle I can but barely hear echoed words throught the many caverns and chambers,
like whispers floating from some far away ethereal unknown.
Some creature lost within a darkness of their own.
I hear promise of light and love,
Of victory and all things I've ever dreamed.
Of unending happiness and never ending companionship.
But the darkness is much louder than these whispers of encouragement.
It bellows in every corner of every thing that what these whispers bring is nonsense and lies.
It argues of a world devoid of all but itself. It says "can you see any of these things around?
Where is this light? This happiness?
You've never felt it before.
It does not exist.
It is all a tall tale brought to lead you away. There is nothing as has always been.
If you seek them you will find nothing but more of me."
I shiver and shake,
My spine and knees collapsing from the weight of it all.
I fall to the floor prostrate and defeated,
Yet accepting,
"All is as it should be." I say.
"All will be fine if I just cease to resist.".
And as this sentence I let fly,
I open my eyes to the words of my family and friends.
Each offering advice.
Advice fallen upon deaf ears,
For this soul of mine has stopped trying,
to find it's way back from my mind.

COMMENTS

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ThanaNight
03:35 Jun 30 2022

WOW, beautiful and sad at the same time.

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