I'm just sitting here doing nothing but writing in my journal cause there's nothing else for me to do I was thinking about going swimming but my cousin's friends are there swimming right now which really does suck cause I won't swim well their there.
I need to lose some weight that's why I want to swim when I can but I'm too embarrassed to go over there in my swimsuit I rather wait until they leave to go back to their house and maybe ill go swimming then.
I just don't know right now what I'm going to do
right now their kid is riding his bike around my aunt roses land
thinking they own the land and they don't I so want to say something to them but I won't cause it's not my place to say anything at all it gets on my nerves big time.
last night I was laying in bed and I heard my mom's voice calling my name at first I thought it was my aunt Judy calling my name but when I checked to see what she wanted she said it wasn't her and I said oh ok and I went back to bed it didn't dawn on me until I have woken up the next day and I went on with my day like I always do.
I still can't believe I'm still not smoking I didn't think for a second I could do it but I did and it will remain that way I will never smoke again I'm going to be really healthy after all these years of smoking and ruining my lungs as I did.
I don't remember anything that goes on in my mind anymore these days I feel like shit now cause my aunt rose yelled at me about how I don't talk to aunt Judy anymore and that I rather talk to Lana and her daughter that's not true yeah I talk to them a lot but there is nothing else to do around here every time I go out into the living room I tried talking to my aunt Judy but she hardly says anything to me these
days. even when I sit out there with her we don't even talk about anything now I get yelled at about it when aunt rose doesn't even know anything about what happens around the house not even what happens between aunt Judy and i is none of her damn business but aunt Judy always tells aunt rose everything that goes on between her and i.
I was trying to type something here when it started to storm outside that's when my internet went out for a while like it always does when it rains or even storms so I wait it out so my internet comes back on afterward so now I have to rewrite my thoughts out it pisses me off when i have to rewrite everything again.
this really does suck that I have really bad internet I mean it works pretty well but when it storms well let's put it this way the damn thing won't stay on through the damn storm so it's the waiting game for it to come back on after the storm stopped. its what happens when your living in Alabama like iam it storms a lot here when I say a lot I mean a lot it never ends here but I'm getting used to it though after being here already a year now the storms really doesn't bother me anymore like they use to.
I was sleeping when my cat knocked over the dinner tray and woke me up I went out into the living room to see what it was and saw the tray laying there on the floor so I picked it up and placed it next to the couch and went back in my room my aunt just sat there and watched as the tray fell and didn't even go to pick it up I had to out of a sound sleep I can't seem to snap out of it even though I just got woken up which I wanted to sleep until else 10 am but no I had to go and pick up the damn tray when my aunt was right there it really pisses me off cause she was freaken lazy.
so now I'm sitting here listening to the rain hoping my internet doesn't go out like it always does when it storms I have really bad internet out here.
things were going through my head that I never thought would be but there were ever since I quit smoking things have been pretty slow in my head but I like that I don't smoke anymore it's more healthy for me yeah there's still smoke in the house but I deal with it guess I will be for a long time cause I don't believe that my aunt will quit smoking anytime soon.
so I'm gonna go on with my life and keep not smoking and get healthier than my aunt is yeah I wish she would stop smoking as I did but I know she would have a hard time quitting like I did shes going to need patches to help her through it unlike me I did it at first without any help and then for a few days I used the patches to get me through the hardest times.
now I'm doing just fine without any help it's been over a week since I quit smoking and I'm going to keep going without any help, yeah the smell of smoke is getting to me big time.
so I have been playing Minecraft and Fortnite to keep my mind from going insane and also writing in my journal about how I quit smoking like I did it was really easy for me to do.
I'm sitting here thinking about playing some Fortnite for a while but not sure just yet cause it's thundering outside right now so my internet might go out for a while which sucks big time.
today has been a good day for me.. just been sitting here playing some Fortnite and writing in my journal some and putting up with my aunt Judy and the damn smoke( ugh) it burns my nose that is why I've been staying in my bedroom just to avoid the smoke which is starting to bother me a little bit.I'm thinking about going to my aunt roses for a while just to visit her for a while I need to get away from the smoke its starting to swift into my room a little I don't even have to go into the living room to smell the smoke anymore cause it goes into my room now.
when I leave the house for a while and then come back home I walk into the house and the smoke hits me right in the face it's like real strong now since I quit smoking it bothers me I wish my aunt Judy would quit so the house would be smoke-free but she won't she just got a few packs of cigarettes when we went out today which upsets me cause she promised me she would quit.
I never thought for a moment I would end up quitting cold turkey as I did I smoked half a pack and gave the rest to my aunt Judy cause I was done with smoking I got annoyed with not being able to breathe every time I walked and when I lit up a cigarette I would cough that's when I said that's it I am done.
just got done doing the dishes so now I'm sitting here relaxing a little bit before dinner starts we're having my aunt and her husband over for dinner we're having steak and potatoes with green beans oh how yummy.
this is the first big dinner since I quit smoking so it's going to be so good and yummy I can taste it now my aunt Judy is a really good cook guess she learned from my mom cause my mom was a really good cook I miss her cooking so bad.
even my dad was a good cook but I hardly got to have his cooking the first meal I had from him was before he passed away I do miss him but not as much as I miss my mom well I was just getting to know my dad again after all these years of not talking.
ever since my dad passed away from cancer my brother and I haven't talked much and he got married to his girlfriend and moved to Tennessee with his family I had just found this out cause I talked to him on messenger but since then I haven't spoken to him I would like to talk to him more but were not as close as we use to be since my dad passed away things really changed between us were no longer consider brother and sister since the fight we had over the money that I got from my dads passing it shouldn't have been like that between him and i but its all good though.
my back is hurting cause I had to bend over to clean the kitty litter box today which really does hurt my back when I bend over like that (sighs)wish things would change for me but I know they won't it will always remain the same never to change I sometimes have to go to see a back specialist cause of my scoliosis hurts my back all the damn time.
I'm sitting here thinking about things that happened in my life that I cant fix sometimes I wish I could take everything and fix them like they never happened to me when I think about them I want to cry none stop.
these are the things I rather not talk about cause it brings back bad memories that never go away it keeps bothering me to the point of tears thank god I had my best friend to help me through it if it wasn't for her I don't know where I would be today, to be honest, and no I would never hurt myself.
I was just sleeping and all of sudden I woke up out of sound sleep for some reason I just couldn't sleep anymore so I got up and logged on here for a while to write in my journal about what's going on in my head since I quit smoking.
I was sitting here watching Facebook on my phone for a while not really much going on there kinda boring as hell right now so like I said I'm writing in my journal.
well, it's been 7 days already since I stopped smoking which has been really hard on me cause my aunts still smoking in the house which I'm fighting the feeling to pick up a cigarette but I won't do it
it's not worth it I stopped for a good reason and my reasons are good enough to keep it up everyone's proud of me for not smoking anymore like I am.
I've been keeping track of me not smoking anymore which I look back to the first day and I'm like wow I made it to 7 days without smoking anything I hardly even have coffee since I stopped smoking cause it went with my cigarettes but I had my first hot cup of coffee in days now.
remember when days when things were good but then everything changed in no time I just wish things would go back to normal again but I guess they won't.
why did things change like they did it's like a nightmare that never ends having to wear a mask all the time everywhere we go there's trouble in every corner of the world.
I woke up hearing my mom's voice which I have not heard in a long time it was nice to hear her voice again I miss her so much she had been gone since 2015 even though she had been gone going on 8 years in July just wish she would have taken care of herself cause she would still be here with us I know I keep saying this but I do really miss her.
I keep telling people if you still have your mom..spend time with her cause you never know when the good lord going to call her home with him
I played some Minecraft today and then logged on here for a while to level up some and then go and build some more on Minecraft there's nothing else to do.