I'm becoming less and less responsive to bids for connection these days. I feel as though I've been burned out on forming connections with others since 2016, and I suppose that does make sense given every bit of insanity that particular year held.
The answer is to broaden my social circle and find people who don't operate on the same patterns but I'm just so frankly exhausted by people, I don't want to.
It seems like every time I do I become someone's on-call therapist and the imbalance has only gotten worse the more withdrawn I've become about my own life. There's just some shit that's so heavy, and the same folks who lean on me are the first to dismiss that heaviness, so I could never share it with them. It's like trying to hold a bowling ball with one sheet of tissue paper.
But do I really want that? Do I really need to share all of that with someone and if so, why? Is the world short of stories of abuse, fear, and suicide so mine is needed or sheds light on something? No. I don't think so. Part of me finds a sense of peace in the idea that my experiences are a drop in an ocean of experiences everyone is having.
I can sit here and wish for a better sense of balance, of receiving what I give, but I also think that I've ventured past that intersection of exchange. If I were to be asked, now, to share and unload what's on my mind I think I would pull away, weigh anchor, insist that I'm fine and move on. So, really, if that's how I feel then that is what I need to make peace with and shift from focusing on what I am not receiving and realize what I am no longer willing to give.
I totally get it! I have certain friends that as horrible as it is to admit, I dread checking on them because when I do there is NEVER happiness only dread and despair. Those same friends never check in on me to see how I am, nor do they ask how I am before they unload on me. It is emotionally draining honestly. I am always assumed to be the strong rock that never cracks. I on one hand would like them to know my downs but at the same time would rather not tell anyone about the things that bother me. I find myself in a rock and a hard place with situations like that and then I begin to evaluate my self. I mean, what do we do in situations like that? Go with it or walk away from it? I feel your pain and frustration for sure. *hugs*