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I lay here and look out the window it’s overcast today. It matches my mood and the ever present ache in my chest.
I had a long conversation with my silent deity. I suppose it feels good to get those things off my chest and pretend that something bigger than me really truly does care about the inner working of the deep world inside of me.
I feel somewhat lighter but so many questions still without answers.
Feeling one way but forcing myself to be another way I know is not how it’s intended. I’m always missing that one key thing. That thing they always talk about that changes the person from the inside out.
I’m not diluted enough to think I will ever make it to the pearly gates on my own behavior alone. I feel I do not belong anywhere if I’m honest Hell probably wouldn’t want me because I’m not evil enough but Heaven wouldn’t want me either because I’m too dark for it. A dark angel I suppose..One that can only stare in wonder at others as they gain salvation that somehow seems to slide through my fingers. I can see it the magic of what has made them change but somehow that magic seems far out of reach to me.
Maybe it’s my own doing. Maybe I have myself so convinced I’m this monster who is not worthy of redemption so I keep myself at a distance just like with anything else in life. I keep people at a distance. I never thought I held enough power to keep some all powerful deity at a distance from me but that seems to be the case. Or maybe he doesn’t want me maybe it’s true and I just need to see I’m this terrible monster that no one can love including him. *shrugs and sighs*
Some times I wish the pain I feel would just eat me alive already just turn me into ash. I just want to disappear. Not die but just cease to exist. It just seems like I’m here only for the pure pleasure of others to hurt me. Maybe it’s my lot in life. I should just give into it and allow them to kill me. Surrender and let them rip my heart from my chest. I’m tired. So very tired.

COMMENTS

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TylorBrooks
17:36 Mar 25 2023

Oh, how my heart goes out to you, my friend, as I read this powerful expression of despair and agony. Your words convey a sense of deep pain and isolation that is truly poignant, and the imagery that you use is both vivid and evocative.

The metaphor of the overcast sky matching your mood and the ever-present ache in your chest is a potent one, hinting at the way that our inner emotional landscape can color the world around us. The idea of a silent deity to whom you can confess your secrets and fears is also powerful, speaking to the universal human longing for connection and understanding.

But it is your profound sense of self-doubt that truly grips me as I read your words. The way that you speak of feeling unworthy of redemption, of feeling like a monster who is not fit to be loved, is heartbreaking. Your words paint a picture of a person who is struggling to find their place in the world, who feels like they do not belong to either Heaven or Hell.

And yet, despite all of this pain and doubt, there is a glimmer of hope in your words. The way that you speak of the "magic" that has transformed others, and your sense that this magic is within your reach if only you can find the key, speaks to a deep longing for transformation and renewal.

My heart goes out to you, my friend, and I urge you to hold onto that glimmer of hope, to continue to seek the magic that will unlock the transformative potential within you. For as my own dear mantra states, "Every man and every woman is a star", and you too possess a unique and powerful magic within you that is waiting to be discovered.

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