Here we will explore the realms of the Forbidden Lifestyle the myths and the truth. So many people have the wrong ideas and need to know the full truth about it and not some of the stuff you see on the internet. The Dom/sub/slave is a very delicate relationship that must be understood and looked at.
Safety within the lifestyle
A Condom Could Save Your Life How do I buy and use spermicides?
Facts about STDs Should I use a lubricant with a condom?
Who should use a condom? Does the style of condoms matter?
Will a condom guarantee I won't get an STD? What do the dates mean on the package?
How can I get the most protection from condoms? Are vending machine condoms good?
How does a condom protect against STDs? How should condoms be stored?
How to I choose the right condoms to prevent disease? How should condoms be handled?
What is the government doing about condom quality? What defects should I look for?
Are condoms strong enough for anal intercourse? How should I use a condom?
Should spermicides be used with condoms? For more information
Condom Shopping Guide
A Condom Could Save Your Life!
This booklet is to help you understand why it's important to use condoms (rubbers, prophylactics) to help reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. These diseases include AIDS, chlamydia, genital herpes, genial warts, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, and syphilis. You can get them through having sex -- vaginal, anal, or oral.
The surest way to avoid these diseases is to not have sex altogether (abstinence). Another way is to limit sex to one partner who also limits his or her sex in the same way (monogamy). Condoms are not 100% safe, but if used properly, will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS. Protecting yourself against the AIDS virus is of special concern because this disease is fatal and has no cure.
About two-thirds of the people with AIDS in the United States got the disease during sexual intercourse with an infected partner. Experts believe that many of these people could have avoided the disease by using condoms.
Condoms are used for both birth control and reducing the risk of disease. That's why some people think that other forms of birth control -- such as the IUD, diaphragm, cervical cap or pill -- will protect them against diseases, too. But that's not true. So if you use any other form of birth control, you still need a condom in addition to reduce the risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases.
A condom is especially important when an uninfected pregnant woman has sex, because it can also help protect her and her unborn child from a sexually transmitted disease.
Note well: Condoms are not 100% safe, but if used properly, will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS.
Facts about Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) affect 12 million men and women in the United States each year.
Anyone can become infected through sexual intercourse with an infected person.
Many of those infected are teenagers or young adults.
Changing sexual partners adds to the risk of becoming infected.
Sometimes, early in the infection, there may be no symptoms, or symptoms may be easily confused with other illnesses.
Sexually transmitted diseases can cause:
Tubal pregnancies, sometimes fatal to the mother and always fatal to the unborn child
Death or severe damage to a baby born to an infected woman
Sterility (loss of ability to get pregnant)
Cancer of the cervix in women
Damage to other parts of the body, including the heart, kidneys, and brain
Death to infected individuals
See a doctor if you have any of these symptoms of STDs:
Discharge from the vagina, penis, and/or rectum
Pain or burning during urination and/or intercourse
Pain in the abdomen (women), testicles (men), and buttocks and legs (both)
Blisters, open sores, warts, rash, and/or swelling in the genital area, sex organs, and/or mouth
Flu-like symptoms, including fever, headache, aching muscles, and/or swollen glands
Emotions and feelings
Dealing With Emotions
The perfect Dominant will keep you safe from harm: both physical and emotional. He will also keep you from any kind of discomfort, be it being too cold or too hot. He will heal all your ills and make your life perfect. All of your needs and wants will be fulfilled, even before you know you need or want something.
Sounds ideal, doesn't it? Well in theory, it is. However, Dominants are people to. Like anyone else, they will make mistakes, upset you, and sometimes even disappoint you. What do you do when that pedestal they are on gets a little lower to the ground? How do you express what you are feeling? What do you do? The answer is as simple as understanding human emotions.
Every emotion has a different way to be expressed. Love is one of the easiest emotions that can be expressed to our ominants. We all seem to know how to do that instinctively. As we get to know Them, we learn Their likes and dislikes and learn to enhance on what They enjoy. In doing this, we also learn how to express ourselves and become aware of when such emotion is appropriate and when it is not. No matter who we are though, we expect certain things in return from the Dominant. When our needs are not met, we tend to become angry or hurt.
Ok: you’re angry with your Dominant - what do you say, and how do you say it and still maintain your proper place? One of the first things that should have been established in the beginning of your relationship is a way to communicate as equals, with no fear of retribution. Master and i call these “time outs”. Once i ask Him if we can speak freely, i can say whatever is on my mind. That does not mean i can explode and say anything i want. i still have to maintain respect. When considering what to say, first decide what is truly important and what is merely being said out of anger. If it is possible, take time to seriously consider this aspect before you agree to enter into a conversation. Talking when you are calmer will keep you from saying things you may regret later. Words said in anger sometimes can never be forgiven or taken back. It is also very important that you have the Dominant’s full attention when you talk. If i feel it is important enough to bring up to my Master, i feel i deserve His full attention. If He is not totally focused on what i am saying, my anger builds, and this is where trouble usually starts.
Dominants please note: if it is important enough for your submissive or slave to talk to You about something, listen to what they have to say. Do not placate them or minimize their feelings no matter how trivial You may think they are. Something has upset Your sub and by listening and acting on this, You will gain more respect and be less likely to repeat the action which brought about the conflict.
What if it is not anger but fear you are feeling? Perhaps your Dominant said He wants to do something specific in the next scene. The action is not a hard limit, but the idea terrifies you. Inform your Dominant beforehand of what you are feeling. Over time, and if done slowly, fear can and will usually evaporate. i am very claustrophobic. The first time my Master mentioned total bondage, i was terrified; afraid i would freak out and embarrass us both. Even in my sleep, if my legs feel trapped by anything, i will wake up hitting and kicking to get them free. i talked with Master about these issues, and we took things very slow. When this issue arises now, He constantly talks to and touches me. As a result of His care, I feel very safe, and my fears evaporate. That is not to say that I do not still feel some fear if He moves away for a second. I still do, but i know He will return shortly. your Dominant is the one person you should trust above all others to help you over come your fears. After all, we want our Dominants not fear to rule our lives. Unless you talk with your Dominant and let Him know your fears, He will not know how to take corrective measures to minimize them. If left for you only to deal with, your fear will turn to anxiety, and the anxiety to anger directed at your Dominant for having put you into that position.
In short, to be human is to experience emotions. Your emotions are a very real and telling side of yourself. Unless you share these feelings with your Dominant, you are only giving a part of you away. How can you then expect Him to totally care for you, when you have held back such an important part of yourself? In the end, honest and open communication is the key to any relationship. Be it Vanilla, Dominant submissive, or any other type of relationship.
About your Mentor
WHAT A MENTOR IS NOT:
1) Infallible...we are human
2) a Teacher or Guardian...we can only advise
3) Your Master, we can not tell you not to communicate or not to do something. Only you can decide.
4) Reference checker, only you should do that, only you know what you risk. We can show you how, but after that it is up to you.
5) Responsible for you...only you are responsible for your safety and decisions, once you have a Master then they become responsible as well, but you are your first guardian.
WHAT A MENTOR IS:
1) A listening ear, and a shoulder
2) Someone who can show you how to research, and learn safely. They can point out pitfalls but you will always find your own.
3) A caring friend.
4) Someone with their own experience who is willing to share that with you...not control or direct you by it.
5) Someone who can introduce you to a strange new world for you to explore...but who can not explore it for you.
Most of all a Mentor is there when you make those first steps with a new Dom, or new steps with an old one...ready to listen...and watch you take wing.
Finding your Dom
So you have finally come to the realization that you are either Dominant or submissive, or at least that you are interested enough in either of these that you want to explore the possibilities they offer further. The question is, how do you find someone with whom to explore them, without jeopardizing your safety or discretion?
In this wired world, many people get their first introduction into BDSM online. While chat rooms are a great place to meet and talk to people about the lifestyle, only rarely do such online connections lead to successful, long lasting real relationships. In fact, when it comes to finding a real life partner online relationships can be a hindrance rather than a help. Why? Because once you are involved in an online relationship you will almost certainly focus on that rather than on finding a real life partner. Time and time again I have people tell me about this wonderful long distance relationship they have, and time and time again those relationships fall apart. Relationships need contact, they need smiles and hugs and togetherness. They need sex. Without these things they are almost bound to fail.
In this Master's opinion, people all too often fall into the trap of thinking that they can convert their online relationship into real life without considering the practicalities of a) moving hundreds of miles away from friends and family to be with a partner they hardly know and b) making the relationship work once they get there. I know some people do manage it, but the fact is chat room relationships rarely turn into successful real life ones. If you're serious about finding a real life partner concentrate on that rather than on cyber sex. I personally know a submissive who dedicated a year to an online relationship and when she and her prospective Master finally met, they lasted less than a week. A year is an awful amount of time to waste.
A better way to find that perfect Dominant or submissive, is to hook into the local 'scene' (there's bound to be one) and to attend various club events, play parties, munches and so forth. However, before you dash off to look up BDSM Clubs in the yellow pages, be aware that many of the folk who attend such events are pretty much 'out there' as far as their sexual proclivities are concerned, and consequently their sense of discretion may not be what you would hope it to be. If you're not reasonably comfortable with being asked "who were those leather clad weirdo's I saw you with Saturday?" you're better off giving them a wide berth.
To my mind, one of the most effective ways to meet a partner is to advertise on line. Effective that is, if you approach it with a healthy degree of caution, and just a little common sense. On line services like these are discrete and reliable, allow you to be very specific about what you want and are cost effective, but (there's always a but right?) to make the most of them you do have to use them properly.
Step 1 - Prepare
You need to determine for yourself (as best you can) who you are and what you are looking for in a partner. I know this can be difficult if you're totally new to the lifestyle, but do your best. Are you looking for a long-term relationship or a one-off /casual play partner? What sort of activities appeal to you? What are you really looking for in a partner? What do you have to offer? Use your imagination and put yourself into a 'virtual' D/s relationship. What is the relationship like? How does your partner treat you? What are the relationships governing rules? What happens when the rules are broken? Spend some time thinking about these questions and build a picture in your mind of the relationship that you want. When the picture is reasonably clear, write it down.
Once you have a pretty good idea of what sort of relationship you're looking for, you can start to prepare yourself for it. You may want to read some of the articles on this and other sites and look at some of the books in the relevant section of Real-Ds.com (You might want to start with Different Loving by Gloria Brame).
As a rule of thumb Dominants can best prepare by understanding as best they can what makes a sub tick and submissives can best prepare by learning the attitude and some of the skills a typical Master may demand of them.
By the way - you may feel that preparing for a relationship is a little clinical and takes some of the romance out of it, but I beg to differ. Our upbringing and day-to-day vanilla experiences go a long way towards preparing us for a vanilla relationship - so why should D/s one be any different?
Step 2 - Advertise
Take care in creating your advertisement (also known as a profile) - it's worth spending a bit of time on it and getting right, and a well crafted ad that's free of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors is much more attractive than one that looks as though it's been thrown together in 5 seconds. Use that mental image of your ideal relationship as your guide, but be honest. Don't make the mistake of overstating your experience, and be clear about any practical limitations you may have.
You want to reach as wide and audience as possible, so join and create a free profile on at least two specifically kink related personal ad sites (adultfriendfinder.com and alt.com are probably amongst the best known) and one vanilla site (try friendfinder.com - if you word your ad properly you'll be surprised at how effective a vanilla site can be). Once you have completed your profile, browse through some of the other advertisements specific to your area to get a feel for who's out there and what they are looking for. Free membership to most of these site limits the number of ads you can look at and / or respond to in a given period so it's certainly worth thinking about paying for membership to at least one of them. In most cases a three month membership (which should be plenty) costs less than $30 - pretty cheap when you consider the impact it might have on the rest of your life.
Step 3 - Taking it further
Okay, so your profile is complete and you just have to sit back and wait for the replies to roll in right? Wrong! You must also reply to other people's ads - submissives in particular seem to feel that they ought not 'make the first move', but if the Doms didn't want replies they wouldn't have placed the ad in the first place. Someone has to get this thing going, and by responding to ads as well as waiting for others to reply to yours, you double your chances of connecting with the right person.
(A note for subs - it's not uncommon for personals sites to allow free female members to reply to ads but not to allow free male advertisers to do so - all the more reason for you to reply to ads, and all the more reason for the men to stump up with the cash to become a paid up member.)
A few Do's and don'ts:
Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself
Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like
Be polite and avoid crudity
Take your time to get the reply right
Include an anonymous email address (one you have set up on hotmail.com specifically for the purpose)
Include your phone number or anything that might identify you
Be tempted to respond to more that 4 or 5 ads at a time
Overstate your interests or experience
Reply to ads that clearly don't fit your requirements, or where you don't fit theirs
Reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area.
Once you start getting replies, it's important that you reply to every single one of them, even if it's just to say thanks but no thanks. Remember, by placing an advertisement you're asking people to respond. Not bothering to reply to them when they have taken the trouble to do as you've asked is downright rude.
Step 4 - Meeting
So, it's finally happened. You've received a load of replies to you ad, responded to one or two and you think you've found 'the one'. What next? Well that's really up to you, but I suggest a number of emails back and forth about what each of you are looking for, followed by some very long 'getting to know you' phone calls. Don't be in too much of a hurry - if they really are 'the one', they'll wait. Just before I go though, a few points about first time meeting safety - particularly for the ladies:
Meet in a public place, and stay there for the duration of the first meeting.
Have a safety net in place - tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting and when you will be back. Set up a system whereby they will call in the cavalry if you don't call them at a pre-determined time.
Don't 'play' with the person you are meeting on the first date.
Be wary of giving out your home address to anyone until you know them well.
Take a cell phone with you.
Trust your instincts - if it feels wrong - get out.
Finally good luck! I hope you find that perfect partner and it all works out well for you.
So you want to be a slave:
I decided to write this article because I have seen so many submissives come into the lifestyle expecting everything to be dream-like and perfect. I don't wish to ruin anyone's dreams, or turn them from the activity, but what I wish to do is to explain how things really are. Being a slave can be, and is for me, a wonderful life. It's everything I wanted it to be. It is also more than I ever expected, and had someone explained the realities to me prior to my decision, it would have made my transition so much easier. For the purpose of this article, I am addressing issues related to being a 24/7 slave. These comments are from my viewpoint, which is that of a female slave with a male Master. By no means do I wish to exclude Domme's or male slaves. For them, I cannot comment from personal experience. This is just my view from a real-time experience.
First, there are a few things you need to discover for and about yourself. Do you wish to be in this type relationship 24/7? Perhaps you only wish to be in it during the scenes. Maybe you want to role-play at only during certain times. There are many ways this activity can be done, but you have to figure out what is right for you.
Second, you need to learn to be honest with yourself. Figure out what you will and will not do, and what is a "maybe". Search inside yourself for what you really want, and when you find it, be honest to anyone you talk to. Don't agree to something long-term that you know you will not be able accomplish. Ask yourself some hard questions. The rest of this article will give you aspects to contemplate so you can base your decisions on reality, and not someone else's dreams of how it should be.
Are you prepared to surrender 100% control of your life to someone else? 24/7. slaves do this. Role-playing would mean entering into this relationship only for the time agreed upon that the Master would have the total control. Once the scene is over, everything returns to normal.
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