I'm your typical escaped mental patient with an internet connection. Although sometimes the voices in my head tell me that I'm really a slacker graphic designer. But what the fuck do they know... stupid voices. I tried to shut them up once by stabbing myself in the ear with a flaming Qtip, but I figured that would probably kill me.... also I couldn't find my lighter. In my spare time I enjoy devouring the souls of homeless people, drawing pentagrams on my forehead, and violently masturbating to excessively loud metal.
I'm not your run-of-the-mill vampire, I am known as a "Fusion™ vampire". I incorporate 5 fangs instead of 2, giving me a closer bite with less irritation. But on the bad side, rather than getting that seductive, slow-motion romantic vampire bite, all I get is AHHH FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET FUCK, YOURE KILLING ME ARRGHHH!!!! It really kills my erection.
Anyways, I enjoy being an ever flowing fountain of useless information, so I will share some helpful tips with you to assist you on your many adventures:
If you have ever had problems getting blood stains out (from carpet, curtains, upholstery, ceilings, wallpaper, the inside of your woodchipper, your favorite clown costume, etc) try using the vict... errrr... volunteers saliva! Works like a charm! But keep in mind, there is alot more blood in the human body than there is saliva in the human mouth... so I recommend taping a mason jar to the mouth of your vic....errr.. volunteer. Give them a few days in the closet to free up those helpful juices and you are ready for loads of happy macabre fun!
How many of you Necrophiliacs out there have ever tried to make love to your preserved girlfriend/boyfriend/animalfriend only to find out that your favorite orifice is unlubricated? Worry no more! Just slab on a little mayonnaise a few hours prior to use and your in for some serious Class C felony lovemaking! They dont call it Miracle Whip for nothing! And best of all once you decide to breakup with your corpsey lover, all that tangy, zesty topping will make your friend irresistable to the wildlife at your favorite dump site. So much for that pesky evidence!
I hope these tips have enlightened you, now if you will excuse me, I need to go buy some more mayo...for...uh... sandwiches....
...and yes, I made this profile as painful to read as possible just because I hate your retinas :)