Problems of the heart

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All pages by raziel23x
Page last updated: Aug 18 2011
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Well There are some problems that are happening here in my life as of now...

I am a writer of poetry and a writer who writes from the heart. I don’t know what my place is in this realm we live in. I am lost and seek my path. I only hope to fulfill the hopes and dreams set forth. I just wonder what fate has in store for us. There are many sacrifices that I have made in the name of love or in the pursuit of such things. In such things to be worth sacrifice I believe without a shadow of a doubt that she is made for me and that I made for her. I am willing to be there for her no matter the outcome and to be the one forthright into her soul. I feel that we can get through this together that looking into the past and not looking forwards will only bring forth disaster. I just wish I had all the answers that she seeks, to be there I must be strong and show her the way. Fear clouds the mind and from which doubt finds it’s was into each heart if one allows such to happen.

I have trouble expressing my feeling verbally but I can express them completely in my writings. As of right now I feel like I am at the breaking point of tears. I just wish to bring forth her happiness that she truly deserves. I want to take away all her tears of sadness and to bring forth the light into her life as she has brought forth to me.

I once walked that path of solitude and felt no emotions as well as cared less for anything. I once was a creature void of all emotions, incapable of feelings. I was content with the way my life was as well as how it was. I was not affected by anything nor did I care about anyone or what happed to them. But I always had this feeling that I was missing something important, that void within. But I never gave it another thought until recently when I met someone for the first time that wanted for the first time something like I was. At first I was Intrigued about her so I left my way of life to see what this was all about. At the time she brought me some happiness and before I realized it I started to change. She start to grow on my in a way. But that turned out to be only a small step into a new world to me something that I cast aside once before because of heartbreak and deceptions. But this time instead of going back to my solitude I met Susan and began to get to know her over a period of about a month. At first we decided to just be friends and just hanged out once a week. Then one day she was betrayed by someone close to her and confided in me and one other because of this tragedy we grew closer to one another. She decided to take a chance and we took that next step and decided to become intimate with one another becoming more then friends and see where a relationship will take us.

I myself am confused about the feelings that I have… Unsure of what they mean for years before I came to this point in my life. For years I thought I could be alone and happy to only find that when there is someone by your side to share that happiness that it is much more rewarding then it is to share alone. To change is to learn and to learn is to change. Both confusing and reforming to the facts that life is about change and changes that come forth from a relationship are the best feelings one may ever acquire in ones lifetime.

I just feel at times like everything I touch turns to shit. When something starts going right something happens to destroy my hopes and my dreams.

My girlfriend well is going through a tough time right now and is talking to me about breaking up when school starts for her so she can focus solely on school... She does not know yet what she will do... She tells me it has nothing to do with me to her reasoning for this... That she is going through depression and is not happy with anything or anything… She has told me that she is a solitary person by nature, but I wish I could be that part that she finds happiness with as well as be there for her no matter what… She told me that I looked like I was about to cry when she talked to me about it… But I promised that I would not but in the end I can’t fulfill that promise… I feel depressed and feel like crying from the pain that I feel in my heart for her now… I only wish I could take her pain away and cast it to the winds… I just wish to bring a smile to her face to take away all her pain… I feel torn asunder inside from what she said to me but I can’t find the words to tell her how I truly feel about her… I know I have only known her since March 24th of this year but my feelings for her have grown over the months since we first met… I just don’t know what to do or what to say to save her from this depression and to tell her how I truly feel about her… I know she barely logs on to here or read my journal entries so I know that it is pointless to write this and place it there to know that there is only a very small chance that she will see or even read this post… But I cannot begin to think what to do when the time comes.

I will stand by her side and show her they way. I will be the support she needs to get through this endeavor. I will show her the way when she is lost, to be there to pick her up when she falls, to be the shoulder in which she cries on, to be the one who wipes away her tears when she cries. I wish to be all this. This is the choice I make alone. I have faith that we can make it through this and this will make what bonds that have formed grow stronger as we move on. I truly hope she understands my feelings of her are true and I am willing to do anything to make her happy. I am willing to wait things out and will do anything in my power to help her through all this. I know I don’t have all the answers but I am willing to walk along side her to search and find them with her. I don’t want to push her away with expressing my true feeling of her.

I want to take all her pain away and make her feel whole. Right now I feel that she is scared of something that we have not seen just yet. Right now she is not happy with what is happening to her outside our relationship that I feel that just maybe that we could find what is wrong and be able the two of us correct this feeling of depression she is feeling right now. I just hope that it is fear that she is feeling that if we do get close that I would leave her. But I want her to know that if that is the case then she should not worry about that… I would never do such to anyone like her… She completes me in more ways then I could ever express to her.

I try to be strong when I am with her to try to keep from breaking down in front of her. But that is something very hard for me to do. I about had torn myself apart when we talked about the possibility of breaking up. But I kept my tears at bay even when she said that I looked as though I was about to cry. I pushed them aside and just answered that I would not cry. I must keep hope and have faith that we will work things out and this will only make the bond between us stronger.

I feel lost to what I can do to help her to let her know.... I am just lost to what I can do.

I know that she said that we will still be friends It is just that with School she might not have time that she feels she needs that can make a relationship work. I don’t know if she is just afraid or if something is wrong that both of us are not aware of… I feel things have been going to good for this… there is too many ifs going on right now that I have not clue what should be done or what I should d… I am at a lost to what went wrong and what I could have done or what I can do to assure her that everything will be alright.

I feel that I have failed her... When we first started out we talked about being there for each other and to help each other out with our school work to be there for each other and to support each other even though we will be going to different schools... But now she is talking about not having the time to even have a relationship… To just be friends because the classes will be so demanding… that she just wants to enjoy her summer vacation while it last. It makes me feel that I let myself feel feelings for someone to only lose them because they feel they will not have the time. I know what she told me that in her classes they state that she cannot work any more then 8 hours a week that she will be going all over this state for different classes and such for her study in becoming a registered nurse. I am starting school myself in September to get my base classes completed and take as many classes as I can while I am on the two to two and a half year waiting list for me to go into becoming a registered nurse as well… I only did this because I thought I would have her there to support me and for me to be there to support her. In the beginning she made me fill I could do anything because of her and now she wants to walk away because of something like this. I know she is suffering because of depression but I wish she would let me in and to allow me to help her. That she does not have to do this alone. I just want to be there for her to be apart of her life.

I am powerless to do anything it feels like. I thought I could show her things that she would not think possible to grow and all this talk we had day’s prier about if things do become serious and now this talk about possible breakup because of lack of time. I am confused and feel helpless. Feeling that everything was going good to only find out that it was just a mask. I was completely oblivious to there even being a problem with our relationship. Why could I not see this coming? Was I just blinded by hope that I actually found someone that completed me? Am I the one who is at fault for something that I thought was true and would actually last… I just feel that this seems too much like a dream that my feelings are being torn because I could not see this coming and to the fact that maybe fear of something happening between us for her could be causing her to have these second thoughts towards a relationship between me and her while we both will be going to school. I just can’t fathom the reasons why she feels this way and why all of a sudden these second thoughts the closer time closes in to the end of the summer break and going back to college and for me to go back to school when I have not been in one since I graduated high school.

I know I have kept a lot of how I feel about her from her because I did not want to scare her away... To make her feel things have gone to fast… I am an emotional person by nature. The other week I had a dream that in the near future that something would happen that would bring happiness. I dreamed that I was walking into the hospital… I remember wondering why I was there in the lobby until a nurse walked up to me and started to lead me down the hallway… She led me to this strange room and motioned for me to open the door and go in. I relentlessly open the door with uncertainty and there in the hospital bed was Susan laying there with a bundle in her hands. I could not make out what it was at first. When I entered the room and saw what it was. The me in the dream was filled with happiness and when she looked up and saw it was me who entered the room she smiled at me while I made my way to her. She handed me the bundle and said look at our precious daughter… In the dream we kissed each other and told each other how much we loved each other. While taken turn holding this new precious life in our hands.

Now I don’t see this dream coming to pass. I did not tell her about this dream because out of fear of scaring her off into thinking things are going to fast. I just don’t know what I should do or say to show her how much she means to me that I want to be there for her through thick and thin. Yes I have fallen for her in many ways. But I also know there is a lot more to learn about each other and the fact that I want her to be successful with her plans of college and to graduate her courses. I want her to be happy and I feel that I am lost and no clue what I should say or do. Should I tell her my true feelings for her or I should hold it in and do what makes her feel happy. I just want her to be happy is all...

I want to be strong for her to be her solitude, to be the one she can confine in. I thought we had so much going for us that I never thought that just after a few months that this would have happened. I took a chance with her thinking that she could be the one that I would try again. I have spent so much time alone that I thought I did not need anyone or anything that I could go through life and not need anyone or help with anything from anyone. Then I met two people who changed all that. I feel that I betrayed myself. I thought that I could fill this void within me. I thought that she would be the one to fill this hole in my heart. The first to show me that there is something more to life then just existing. She has done so much for me that she does not even know.

I am a completely different person since I have met Susan. I completely changed everything about me for her. I went from this shy person who was afraid of taken a chance and took a chance to be different then what I was accustomed of being. I completely changed my appearance and started liking what I saw because of her. I made all these changes for the better because she was the first person to look at me and see all the potential in me. She has brought all this out of me. Every time I hear her voice or see her I feel complete inside and happy.

But now I can feel all life’s pressures and fill all alone again. I just hope that what we talked about will not come to pass when she starts her classes. I hope we will find a way to not change what is happening between us and to grow closer and to help one another. I want to be the strength she needs to move one with her studies. I want to be the one to share this life with her. I want what we have to grow… I know I am being selfish with all this but I feel that I could be the one who will complete her and to be there for her when she is down…

All pages by raziel23x
Page last updated: Aug 18 2011



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