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I'm not posting this for anything less than help because I wouldn't call myself wise. It's just something that's been happening with me and other people I know over a period of time. Over the past couple of months I've seen some inspiring and very insightful posts on this forum and I'm asking you as friends to leave your honest view points. And there goes the question.

Why oh why are parents abusive? What leads them into that behavior and what can help them snap out of it?

I appreciate every post. Thank you.

There are a variety of answers to this question, darling.
I'll be more than happy to talk with you in pms as its a conversation that may take up some space...
Feel free to PM me at any time as I feel it may delve into a not so public side of your life.

As Khay said there are many reasons ... therefore there to is many forms of abuse, from physical, to mental, to emotional. On a deeper level there is also the extent as to what different people precieve as abuse. Some precieve takinga belt/switch etc. to a child who has done something wrong as abusive... others precieve it as correcting the child...

It is a really hard topic to discuss for many ... and for some easier. my own experiance, is that the mental and emotional abuse I suffered in growing up far out weighed the physcial abuse ... I still to this day carry some of the scars, as I'm sure do many others.

The thing to remember hon is that you can come through whatever it is, there are people around you who are more then willing to talk with you, and support you ... but you must also be aware too that there are just as many people who have lived through it, and have a far different outlook now as they did back then ... you know I will always be here for you to talk to...

we were just talking about this in my sociology class the other day. and our professor told us that there is something physically and chemically wrong with the brain. she told us that the brain appears abnormal in sight and lets off a certain chemical and that aggression is just more present in there mind and reactions and there instincts. were also talked about that fact that maybe their parents were abusive and that thats all they kno and the only way they kno how to let out aggression however that does not answer ur question cause someone had to start that eventually. i cant tell u for certain but one thing that scientists observe is the abnormality of the brain and chemical unbalences that also exist. However i think it also goes deeper than that but i dont kno how to put all that into words.........hope ive helped out

27th demon

wow i must be the most insensitive person in the world.....forgive me elly, if u are the one being abused then u can come talk to me for i have something i can contribute for i kno pple who have gone through that and still are and ive been there with my father and its not fun at all....if u need to talk although i dont think u would ever come to me but if u need somebody to talk to im here for u hun
love
27th demon

To me, younger people may aspire to thinking parents are being abusive at times if they are cajoled, but when you are older and have children of your own, one might better appreciate their parents teachings to them when they are younger.

Now.. what is abuse exactly? If your parents hit, maim, injure, torture, not feed you, or humilate you then yes I would say to get some help. Professional help that is.... there are qualified people who can help you and at your fingertips.

If you're in their house..that's the problem..you are under their command..like it or not!

Well, I know you're right...fight for it!
=)

Physical or mental _not to make excuses but physical abuse is ussually more of a learned trait almost hereditary --physical abusers are often victims of abuse themselves.

Mental is usually stress related ---- when one is struggling on something and becomes overwhelmed with frustration and feels they arent receiving any help from their team members (meaning family) even when most times the rest of the team cant help( such as children with bills because they cant work or its not there role) Then the abuser tends to take out his/her frustration on those that are helpless or unable to contribute. They tend to feel weighed down and are not getting done what they feel is important to them (again there is no excuss for abuse *new comercial slogan lol* ) but there is why one might do it

now to get them to stop find out what is overwhelming them Money, job, bad marriage? what is unresolved?

i had to deal with mental and emotional abuse myself sense i was very very young untill just within the past bit because the abuser finally got the help needed for them to stop. the abuser (which i am obviously choosing to keep anyonomus) had been abused themself as child and probably got passed on as a mental defect. i know this adds nothing to the answer, but i think if you are being abused it is nice to actually hear that you aren't the only one out there, i feel for anyone that has had to ever deal with it.

Like many people, I was beat till I passed out. I was beat for stupid small things that most parents would probably laugh at. I am not saying I was beat more then anyone or any less, all I know is I was beat badly. My brother used to torture me when my mom was gone. He enjoyed making me suffer. Emotionaly I am traumatized and physicaly I have scars that are so deep they hurt my bones. When I was younger I used to think the same as you, "why are they doing this?'' Some people may say you grow stronger from it, but for me i have grown into a strange human being with weird habbits. I crave a wife so I can start my own family and do whats right for my children and my family. I am 20, and most people would say I am too young to think like that, but I know that if I had a family of my own all my problems would be lifted.

I didnt answer any questions I know, but I am just telling you that it happens to a lot of us, its all about how you deal with it. Hold it in and explode, or find a way to let it out in a positive way (I know its hard).

i just got out of a relationship which my ex-fiancee was abused by her parents as a kid then mentally tormented her when she got older. there is nothing anyone can do that i ahve seen work to help her parents out... when i was around them my teeth would literally grind together. ABUSIVE PARENTS NEED BEAT

Dear Elly, i may not know what you're undergoing right now, 'cos I'm really close to my parents, but I did have a fiancee who was both menatally and physically abused by her parents, and was even raped by her own uncle.....
The scars she had weighed her down so much, the only times she felt her burden lessen was when we talked and shared the problem with each other.
Support I beleive is the answer; don't cage your feelings, share with those you most trust.
I'm not saying you should blurt out everything, 'cos like I said, I don't know what you're undergoing.

My ex-fiancee was so caged, she is no longer with us.............................

Elly that's quite a serious post. That's like trying to explane how many sand graines are there compared to stars, It's just a vast subject. I believe everyone has posted something good about it. And I just wantet to add, If anybody who reades this feels there getting abused by a adult figure, you should speak with a professional doctor or someone on the medical ladder, Freinds are great to have but most don't know or know how to help you resolve your problems. Because sadly the statistics show that the anger and shame caries with you. Get pro help and resolve it, no child deserves it!

I'm actually going to agree with Emmy on this one. What abuse is is different between the eyes of the parent/guardian and the child.

It also differs between adults, as well.

I was never physically or mentally or emotionally abuse by my parents. There ar people in this world who were far worse off than I was when I was a child. My parents did everything they could for me when I was young so I could have the things they didn't.
As a lot of children do, I didn't appreciate that untill I was older and met other people whose childhood were absolutley horrifying in comparison.

Child abuse now a-days is a very grey subject, unfortunatly. Again... there's that opinion thing.

Humorous example ( mind you I don't recall this myself, but both my parents told me about this):

There is a shopping mall near where I grew up. It's Christmas time... I'm maybe...4...5... somewhere around there. Certainly old enough to know better and to listen to my parents.

We're in the toys store and I'm playing with all the stuffed animals on the shelves. I was hugging them and then putting them on the floor, as opposed to back on the shelf, and then moving on to the next one.

My mother had told me several times that I needed to put them back on the shelf.
Did I listen?. Hell no. (but since when was that new??)

She proceeded to snatch me up by the arm and give me a couple swats on the rear to remind me who was the 'bigger' of the two in this situation.

There was a woman in the same aisle as we were and she looked at my mother with this look of 'How dare you strike that child!'.

Know what my mother did?
Turned to her, looked her square in the eye and said:
"What? You want one too??"


This always makes me giggle.

When I was a youth of 5 to 13 I had a very abusive father, and some of my moms BF where like him too, I used to get the krap kiked outta me very often. Of corse it dont help when your biological fatehr is a alcholic and a member of hell-angels, loL U kan imagine what thats like ^_^ As for a few of my moms BF, when ever I lived with her, they gave me sum beatings ill never forget.
When i hit 14 i moved out to the much frinedlyer streets, and then a few foster homes. all of witch sucked, but better than where i was comming from.

Ever since then I swore I'd never in a million years Ever do to my kids, what was done to me. Hence i took up teaching kids martial arts, and some of my ESL students are kids. When or if I ever have any of my own, I promised I'd never put them thru wat I had to go thu, hitting any kid is bad in my view. ^_^

This is a tricky subject indeed, and there are some brilliant posts on here.

I do agree with what Khayman is saying, about how it is hard to define 'abuse' in the over-PC society the world is forging to protect itself.

If you are being abused Elly, or anyone on the site, in no matter what way you need to listen to Devilman and GET SOME HELP, although unfortuantely life isnt as simple or as fair as the life that we see on television or film, where 'right' or 'wrong' are two totally different things.

For example, when I was nine my mother got married and he became my stepfather... his father used to beat him senceless (to rehitorate DeathIsBecoming's point about how the abuser should also seek help, as they are usually not 'evil' people) and he used to mentally abuse me, constantly following me, tormenting me, threatening, throwing things at me and telling me I would never achieve anything and that everything that ever happened was my fault, and if I wasnt exactly the way he wanted me to be then he would never love me. He knew I wanted a father (as mine left when I was a baby) and he used it against me... but now Im older I know that its NOT that he is an evil man, its just he needed to get out something worse that happened to him.

When I read this back to myself, I think this post sounds self-piteous and melancholy and I suppose it is, but it does have a point. When I look at these things in retrospect I wish I had gotten some help, but I couldn't. Not because of him but because of me... you see I didnt realise that I was being abused, as I always thought it was more clear-cut than that. When I told my firends what home life was like they didnt take it seriously because he didnt used to hit me often, so they didnt see it as abuse and neither did my mother, although she is a social worker.

This will effect you for a long time, as you can see from many other posts here. I find relationships impossible because I am always scared of whats going on in mens heads.

What Im trying to say is that whoever you are and no matter what your circumstances are, people WILL take you seriously and you need to try and find what you are looking for, whatever that may be.

abuse is a very touchy subject for most....including me i have been abused all my life just recently is when it stoped or so it seems to have been put on hold for a while...my mother use to beat me and knock me unconsious and has left bruises the size of baseballs on me it was horrible and then afterwards it was like it never happened because she was a christian so she couldnt have done that to her child....she still denies it to this day but i have pple who were there and saw it they all thought it was wrong but yet no one tried to stop her........i hate those days and im so scared they will come back

elly if ur being abused then the medical analysis i gave u wont do u any good learn from my mistake tell somebody get help dont let this continue on please i dont want to see u turn into me..its not a plesant thing

im here if u ever need to talk

I concur with much of what has been posted here ... As NosferatuNictuku (gees man couldn't you have picked a shorter name LOL) said it is good to find someone that you feel you can trust and confide it, it truly does wonders to feel that you are not carrying y'r burden alone and that others will be there for you.

Also Devilman is right, if anyone feels they are being abused then they should speak to some authoritive figure ... how ever I feel that I should say this, and in no way do I mean to discourage anyone from seeking help in any way ...

... I did seek help at one point in my life, I spoke to a school counclior (sp?) who in turn procedded to call my home and tell what I disclosed to her ... upon my return home from school that night I recieved another beating ... And yes when I say beating it was with fists, and belt ... this incident only caused me to internalize my abuse more ...

Again I am saying this not to discourage anyone from seeking help, but to caution you, seek help, but realize as well that certain authorties have guidelines to which they must follow.

Elly,
As you can tell here by these wonderful, compassionate posts, you are not alone. All families seem to deal with abuse on one level or another. Be brave and reach for help, it's hard but you can do it, I believe in you! I am here if you need me:)

i think parents abuse people because they dont no what true love is. its all in there head that if they abuse you that it makes them stronger

I just realized that I am thankful for my parents... I think I'm going to go back home. They have never in 17 years laid a hand on me or abuse me mental or emotionly... yep, I think it's time to go home and say sorry.

i'd have to say the same thing as HellChildDami

I think Stargella just summed this up rather well. you are NOT alone, and there are tohers who can help you because they have been there themselves.

I for one will always lend an ear Elly *kisses*

Thanks all of you, I was just sitting back and reading your responses. They really helped. I haven't talked to many people about this but I guess alot of people at once gives you all of their different opinions and helps you create a clearer picture. It's nice to know there are others out there. Thanks again =)

elly personaly i havent been abused by my natural parents but when i received a stepmother she beat the shit out of me until oned day i swung back at her it was the first and last time i ever hit a female only cause she said some things about my deceased mother which is not rite this incident was very recent also dont resort to violence though if anyone going throught this needs to getaway run away to friends house or something thats what i tell my younger cousins

Parents probably believe that beatin' their kids [or shouting .. whateva'] will motivate them .

Violence breeds Violence. The chances are that the people who 'abuse' have been abused themselves. Very rarely is a person born 'Evil' more often than not it is brought upon them.

i don't live in an abusive family, but i know the step family(used to be) had abuse. From what i could tell when a child is abused by a parent, they learn hate anger an abuse from them. Since this is what they've been learning from their parent it's the only thing they know. The only way to make them snap out of it, is to get help, and talk about their past with someone who can help them. But they can only get help if they want it. My step family is in total denial...unlucky for them.

there's also a lot more but u can msg me if u want to know more, i feel it is too personal to talk about even though i hate my ex step family, id rather keep it as private as possible. so feel free to msg me.

Yeah but the thing is. My parents have never been abusec their whole lives. I know it's usually passed on if they had to deal with it, but not here.

abused*

so u are a victim of abuse right? and ur parent were not abused during childhood? Did this just start?

Basically.

well my mum is a bitch naturaly ask her she will say the same thing or rails (mystdrgn-mum, LunaDragon-rails-aunty)