The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Since when do two-bit hoods and hookers give out autographs?

LA confidential

The Godfather

There, wolf. There, castle.

Young Frankenstein

Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!

Liar Liar

War, poverty, cruelty, unneccessary violence. I understand human emotions, although I do not feel them myself. This allows me to be more efficient and capable, and makes it easier for my human counterparts to interact with me.

Prometheus

Sweetie, hand me my alien gun!

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb


What's NWA stand for, anyway? "No Whites Allowed", something like that? *chuckles*

Straight Outta Compton

C'mon, he's insane. Look. Right now he's probably dancing around in his grandma's panties, yeah, rubbing himself in peanut butter.

Se7en


You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had any diseases. And if you went, "Ooooowww" it means you got something 'cause the cuts burn. I never went "Ooooowww" but one time.

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.

Life of Brian

Every creature in the universe is out to exterminate us, and you want to hire a vocal group?

Battlestar Galactica

You put a *greased naked woman* on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here, holding onto the leash, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?

This Is Spinal Tap

So you don't want to dance... but you do want to wrestle.

The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid.

Top Gun

It's about which master you've been serving, Toby.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?

A Shot in the Dark

You're gonna scream your guts out, you'll be so happy.

The River Wild

We'll be landing in twenty minutes. Do you want to play it easy, or the hard way? And this isn't a tranquilizer gun.

Goldfinger

Sit down and shut up, will ya? Try not to live up to all my expectations.

The Sting

You don't have to see your shrink, there's nothing wrong with you that can't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.

Manhattan Murder Mystery

If this is your documentary, you're doing a bad job.

Catfish

It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

Mallrats

None that I can think of. Well yeah, I got married on a Friday but I think it was a, a, as I recall a bank holiday in Northern Ireland so I allowed myself, I think, a glass on a technicality.

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

Sure. You know what that means. That means that we will both be able to take hot wet baths together.

The Ice Pirates

No! Amber please, I warned you about this! Happiness is not a warm scalpel!

Repo! The Genetic Opera



Benny: [upon firing his shotgun] Oh shit, he wasn't a zombie?

Barry: No he fucking wasn't!

Benny: Is he alright? Is he ok?

Barry: His head is fucked!

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead

Hey. What are you doing? This isn't going to end well. Everyone you love dies.

The Wolverine

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-

Shrek the Third

You know what's more destructive than a nuclear bomb?... Words.

The Interview

Angel, ha! She's a female! And all females is poison! They're full of wicked wiles!

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Thank you for reminding me I'm not special. You don't even see what you do to me. Even the moments I think are ours, it's just... you working to get what you want.

Nine

Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Ok? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?

American Pie 2

The reality is we're still 11 year old boys locked in a cellar imagining what our lives would have been if we'd escaped.

Mystic River

You can choke on it for all I care just get it out of your mouth.

Carrie


I'm worried, Ray. It's getting crowded in there and all my data points to something big on the horizon.

What do you mean, big?

Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.

Ghostbusters

Why am I getting arrested if I got kicked in my nuts! How come you just arresting the black man? My nuts was kicked!

I Spy

I'm twelve. But I've been twelve for a long time.

Let The Right One In & Let Me In

God don't like you... He grew you in a petri dish!

MEDIA GOES TO JAIL

Is that an answer or a quote?

21 Jump Street

It's a solid, it's a liquid, it's a viscoelastic polymer made out of polypeptide chains but you eat it! I mean, it tastes good!

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

We share a vagina.

Birdman: Or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

Batman

Well forgive me, I've lost my secret decoder ring!

Rain Man

Hey hombre, he don't even trust his mother. Why he gonna trust you?

Hero

Spirituality is not religion. Religion divides people. Belief in something unites them.

Flight of the Phoenix

Guilty! Guilty! My evil self is at that door, and I have no power to stop it!

Forbidden Planet

I just wanted to sing Seal with my family like normal people.

Vacation

Here, look. Got something for ya. The Codex Eroticon. A classic. Written like 1000 years ago. Makes the Kama Sutra look like Martha Stewart's prison notes. Ooh! You know what else I got? It's erotic comic books that I've been working on in conjunction with my memoirs.

Transylmania

He's right. It doesn't matter. Any of it. Because the people we were before the maze, they don't even exist anymore.

The maze runner

I can get the 7 digits from your mom for a dollar tomorrow

8 Mile

I was just thinking that if you're still alive when I get back from work tonight... maybe, I don't know, we could go out to dinner or something?

Lucky Number Slevin

When you're in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that's how I see it, anyway.

Must Love Dogs

*He is not dead,* would you stop saying he's *dead*? He's got *gas*!

Hanky Panky

It's just easier to have sex with dolls than it is to have a relationship with a real woman! I don't have to worry about any emotional commitment or anything. No fuss, no mess, no problems. I can say whatever I want, we never argue and there's only one thing to clean up after I'm done.

dont know that one.
FAT MAN IN A LITTLE COAT

Tommyboy

You have to google the quote then, you will find the title
I will give you a hint, the movie hasn't come out yet and the title has 4 words in it.

It's just easier to have sex with dolls than it is to have a relationship with a real woman! I don't have to worry about any emotional commitment or anything. No fuss, no mess, no problems. I can say whatever I want, we never argue and there's only one thing to clean up after I'm done.

Getting the Kinks Out

They say rubber's mainly for perverts. Don't know why. Think it's very practical, actually. I mean, you spill anything on it and it just comes off. I suppose that could be why the perverts like it.

Four Weddings and a Funeral

That's the length of the movie "Lincoln". You did the full Lincoln.

Sex Tape

Do you know what happens to a cop in prison? You are brutalised every single day over and over... you become a human toilet.

The Bone Collector

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.

dang cant find it.
life moves pretty fast if you dont stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.

Spies Like Us

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I'm Jennifer, future Prom Queen, I'm gonna pretend to be your BFF but if you touch Rick's wang

I'll cut you!

Vampires Suck

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ on a cross! Look, number one rule in a funeral home: never sneak up on the living. You never know who might have an enbalming needle or a skull saw in their hand. Mr. Larson's son learned the hard way. He's buried next to my grandpa.

Drop Dead Gorgeous

She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.

The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)

"Oh, and Senator, just one more thing. Love your suit."

The Silence of the Lambs

Gratitude in most men is usually a secret desire to receive greater benefits.

The Cheaters

You must be getting married. Why else would you be dressed like an undertaker on holiday?

My Beautiful Laundrette

Are your sure your fine to drive? I mean, a minute ago you were dead!

Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation

Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!

American Beauty

This is the gun line. It runs from shack to shack, clear around the yard. You are now inside the gun line. You step outside the gun line without my permission, you will be shot. You trip and fall over the gun, you will be shot. You spit, you pee, you so much as stick your johnson over the gun line, you will be shot.

Life

You're looking so well, darling, you really are... they've done a marvelous job. I don't know what sort of cream they've put on you down at the morgue, but... I want some.

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

"This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!"

Shrek

Who wants him to fall? Why he'd be the kind the woman'd have to marry to get rid of.

Shrek

Well, first you have to take a hot bath and if you don't you're gonna get pneumonia. Right?... and then you know what happens? You get pneumonia... and then you know what happens? You die! And then, you know what happens then when you die? I get to f**k the dead rat!

She Done Him Wrong

Well, first you have to take a hot bath and if you don't you're gonna get pneumonia. Right?... and then you know what happens? You get pneumonia... and then you know what happens? You die! And then, you know what happens then when you die? I get to f**k the dead rat!

Ultimo tango a Parigi

Damn it, Ricky, I catch you f**king this machine again, I'll break your neck.

Timecop

A long climb, wasn't it? A long hard climb... You know, some people think the whole of life should be like that, hm... "An easy life is a sinful life". Not so, my friend... A man's life can be as easy as he wishes to make it. And it can be easy, my friend. If one knows the way to power and glory in this world.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Would you mind getting inside the oven to clean it?

The Visit

I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.

Sixteen Candles (1984)

"Why does it cry, Sméagol?"

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Rip my stockings. Yes, please, rip them.

Lost in Translation (2003)

"Fuh-get about it!"

Donnie Brasco

You have really irrational fears. Oh I'll go swimming with sharks, put the hook through my cheek, I don't care, but I'm not going bungee diving!

Jackass 3D

Hey! Guess who's back, you one-eyed bitch? And you owe me a kaiju brain.

Pacific Rim

Every piece of this is man's bullsh*t. They call this war "a cloud over the land" but they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say "Sh*t, it's rainin'!"

Cold Mountain

Bonnie and Clyde didn't work alone. Thelma and Louise didn't work alone. And they were the best.

Léon: The Professional

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish.

V for Vendetta (2005)

"Look, you shoot up a guy's head with his pants down, believe me, Texas is not the place you want to get caught."

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