The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies: Banking 'Service

'Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Pay TV 'Service

'State & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

Bureaucratic 'Service'



This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows. Suddenly WOW!!!



It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.



With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small “penis”.



After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him Pancakes.



That should solve the problem.'



The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.





'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied.





'The rest are for your father.'

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.



He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'



The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'



The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'



The preacher said, 'No shit?'

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...



Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.



The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.



He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.



Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.



The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!

The young couple had just got down to business when the girl suddenly stopped.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart, am I hurting you, shall I take it out?”

“Yes,” she murmured. “Would you mind taking it out and then putting it in a few times until I make up my mind?”

A guy goes into Australia Post to apply for a job.



The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"



He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"



"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."



The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."



Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"



The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."



The interviewer grimaces and then says, Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. "Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.



Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.



You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."



The guy is puzzled and asks,





"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"



"This is a government job", the interviewer says.



"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls..





No point in you coming in for that."

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate...



" That'll be us in ten years."



He said, " That's a mirror, you twit"

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis, I’m Ok" he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,

rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,

"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, And added,

"but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink and driving and putting lessons,

Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I

know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile ,

she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

A man from Devon takes a Bristol lady out to dinner for the first time.



Later they go on to a show.



The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.



You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a wonderful rambling rose.



May I call on you tomorrow?'



She agrees and a date is made.



The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face..



He is stunned.



'What was that for?' he asked.



She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said, 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.



Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..



After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.



The next day he came home from work very early.



His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.



Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.



He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.



Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.



She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.



She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"



…………………….

……………………..



Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

We Aussie blokes are so good to women!!!



My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the nice fellow I am, I thought:"Bugger it, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again!

COMMENTS

-

---

BLOODLIFE
15:00 Jul 05 2012

lol

---

POST COMMENT