The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Giggles**
23:09 May 28 2013
Times Read: 552

I saw a van with a bumper sticker that read:







"I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."



...then I realised how many gynaecologists there must be on the roads.

**Giggles**
00:53 May 16 2013
Times Read: 574

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer.

Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord.

It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore.

Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

**Giggles**
02:06 May 12 2013
Times Read: 585

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.



He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.



He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"



"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."



The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"



"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."



So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.



"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:



First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.



You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."



"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned!







"I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot!







I won't do it!







You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"







"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."







As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"







He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.







Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!







Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.







Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -then, nothing but silence!





Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.





His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.





He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

**Giggles**
01:15 May 09 2013
Times Read: 596

have a little GPS

I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones

My GPS is my wife



It gives me full instructions

Especially how to drive

"It's sixty k's an hour", it says

"You're doing sixty five"



It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake



It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene



It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.



I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice.



It fills me up with counselling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?



Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And - lets me have a shed.



Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while

I could turn the damned thing off.

**Giggles**
02:06 May 06 2013
Times Read: 608




On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:



2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman



2 French men and 1 French woman



2 German men and 1 German woman



2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman



2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman



2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman



2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman



2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman



2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman



2 English men and 1 English woman



One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:



One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.



The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.



The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.



The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.



The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.



The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.



The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.



The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.



The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.



The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.