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I'm hopeful this weekend I may be goin out this weekend and thats tonight as well.

Its RARE I get to go out on a Fri and a Sat so I'm looking forward to it a lot and look forward to kicking it with close mates and gettin down to a maxium chill out session with my mates

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)



[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I've become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you



Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding too tightly afraid to lose control

Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take



[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I've become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you



And I know

I may end up failing too

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you



[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I've become so tired so much more aware

I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you



[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I'm tired of being what you want me to be





My ex girlfriend accused me of running away from my responsibility and she keeps phoning me CONSTANTLY when its nothing to do with the welfare of my little one the above is how am feeling she wants to stay my mate and the goddess knows am trying but am about ready to turn around and tell her to go fuck herself and jus concentrate ALL my efforts on my child lol like i do otherwise anyway but she is seriously pissing me off :(

its amazing when new information is sequestered you truly do find out your "mates" reall points of view, its kinda sad and shitty really but oh well am not like them (thank the goddess) but still ppl need to relax more.

Well am goin to do this test right now and if i get in and serve i will be leaving and it will be to a Liverpool I don't know (there pulling down a LOT of stuff and rebuilding) my friends may be hitched/busy/kids when I get back and my baby may not want to know me when i get back..................am scard there is no dishonour in feeling this only resoluiton I must do my best and carry on

LOL sorry i had to laugh but i'm goin out tonight (YAY!!) and my ex rings up to see what time i'll be down tommorrow so anywayz were talking an all and she ask's flat out am I gonna score/pull get lucky tonight??.

my initial thought was "WTF?? y??"

So I told her the truth which was Yes i am gonna "spruce" myself up tonight and hell i get lucky, I get lucky, I don't I don't.

i was honest and it was an offhand comment not meant to ruffle any feathers............................WRONG lol.

she was pissed lol she was "It's ONLY been a month since we split are you that cruel?" (she really has no fuckin idea)

I was understandably confused because I'm not goin on the pull (too shy really) and hey cos I be gettin dressed up and I so happen to score then you know bully 4 me :).

But seriously a month is a long time to me she jus don't know i stopped feeling for her a LONG time b4 we actually split so I (yes me) can get on with my life I really think she should too i mean if she got lucky I'd be the first to pat her on the back but she is tellin me she still got feelings for me (every time she says this I involuntarily shudder) anyway man I thought women were only supposed to be messed while your WITH them not when you've split with them lol man women are one fucked up gender lol still fucking great though :)

And counting, the isolation will wear off it has to :) I miss my baby quite badly but I got to make her brekfast today so i was happy and each day I see her I grow prouder and prouder to be her father.......actually that is a lie every second I am proud to be her dad :) the greatest thing anyone ever said to me about her

"How could someone so thick and UUUGGGGGLLLLLYYY produce something so smart and intelligent?"

It was supposed to be an insult (you don't say??) but they were right and I couldn't care less because they were right :)

Well I did it I fuckinj did it (Jack Black upon discovering inward singing) lol thats how I feel but its because I am now a proud owner of a 82 Kilo frame :).

This means physically speaking i'm in the Army all I need to do now is redo the BAR test and then get a Med sheet filled out go away for 3 days of test's then am in.

so many things has led to this decision some good and some bad and all the consequence's of my actions have been thought of as well.

"You can't get out of life alive"-Woody Allen

"Who wants to live forever?"-Queen

To all those who think that am committing suicide I could get hit by a bus tommorrow so seriously spit your dummy and go out and get a life this is my choice :) and damn I swear to god my lil one is goin to be so proud of me and jus makes it all worthwhile I have to go now 4give me but I am tired till next time :)

LOL ROFLMAO lol..................::mad glint in eye:: lol

Oh god lol Malcolm X said it best "Knowledge is power" lol right now I'm a fuckin duracell battery jus loaded with POWER LOL.

Right now with what I know I could jus let a few lil details "slip" and watch hhhmmmmm I think 8 ppl's lives get thrown in the blender and sit back and watch the show lol.

Man I want to do it but inevitabelly a few mates would be caught in the cross fire and I don't want that.

But MAN oh mAN right now am sorely tempted to drop the bomb, push the lil red button and watch the show LOL I know am sounding well wierd right now but the amount of backlash and crap am gettin right now oooooohhhhh I'm about ready to explode.

i never wanted to be "mr alright" I never wanted to be ::looks at self in slight disgust:: THIS!! but I am what i am and to a certain extent I'm proud of what I am but sometimes the thing that threatens to consume me will be unleashed and all hell would break loose....................::lights a ciggie:: you see that is the very thing I hate i have all this power and a degree of cruelty but I can't let it free but right now am on the edge (cliche i know but seriously FUCK YOU) and I really think ONE more thing and that IS IT I will break the damn walls will fall and who ever is touched by the stagnant water thats been there for a LONG time will truly suffer.....maybe i need to chill...............maybe i need to go home and forget myself for an hour or two...........................maybe......................but the cracks would only be healed for some time............God I would love a "someone" to push my button tonight ::Evil grin::

::A red button sits in front of me and then slowly starts to blink::

beep

beep

beep

beep

bee.........................................(maybe >:)

I will never forget the first time I saw you.

Your red hair glowing in the sun your excellent clothes whiched shined your brilliance to the world.

I still remember your laugh and your touch and your sweet smell.

I think about you often maybe too much now that I think about it.

I REALLY REALLY miss you I could use your humour and sarcasm about now.

But you have chosen another and I am happy for you although knowing that your together still cuts me a lil deeper and it hurtz more when I think that it was my own fault that I let you go.

I never stopped tthinking about you and I still remember the first time that I thought I might be in love with you right up to the moment I knew I was and then watching you leave me I still hope one day we may be together but when I see how happy you are i know that can never be.

It saddens me but makes me happy knowing that you are happy and I still see you from time to time :) I jus wish you were here right now to read this and know how much you mean to me even though we can not be together but I want you to alwayz be happy and in some way know y

that am always goin to be ther come hell or high water.

I love you becki and I'm sorry I ever let you go but I still remember the last way you looked at me your face was filled with sadness and hurt but also with love that maybe i will never feel again :) it took me 3yrs to learn that and now I have to deal with it :) but your alwayz goin to be in my mind :) and I hope I'm always gonna be in yours and goddamn I wish you could read this someday but I had to get it out of my head it was driving me insane lol but then again you already knew that :) Love you B and probably never gonna stop :)

Ok lol am happy am like major fuckin "I got download tickets happy" ( I wish like but you get how happy I am) lol well today I actually woke up on time (ppl usually faint here) and I went to my placement I was in a good mood which was infectious apparently the staff and the patients told me :) and it was funny i know I shouldn't laugh but a patient there tried feeding crisps to a guy on T.V then said (after being refused :S ) "Fine then don't have any"..............................ROFLMAO llol am not laughin at him I wouldn't do that but jus watching it was so surreal it was like watching family guy or something.

But on the way into town i walked past a very attractive brunette and get this, this is the part you won't believe but.....................I got a second look lol no seriously I did she was checkin me out man (I do it all the time to nice girls but I usually get a sneer or a threat lol) oh yeah 4got to mention I was wearin a t-shirt (black with meloveyoulongtime on the front) and i was wearing size 34 pants (that was a shock) I used to wear size 36 so yeah :) and there jeans not baggies (when I first tried them on I turned and was actually suprised to see I have an ass lol I ain't seen it since I was 16 lol thats how long I've been wearin baggies :)

So then I was on a lil bit of a high :) and basically I was goin the Army recruiting session and I needed to get weighed I was 85kg last time I got checked now am ::drum roll:: 75kg :) am fuckin over the moon :) am so happy because if I lose this in a month (2kg) I could be in the army after tryin so hard I was 95kg when I originally applied but now its gettin closer :) and am fuckin thrilled.

It means I canget out of here and explore and basically lead a decent life and my baby is gonn be so proud of me :) and I know that I'm gonna miss her like hell but after doin a 4 yr stint I'm gonna be in a kickass job when I leave the army I can be a paramedic or a policeman so you can imagine how proud she's gonna be of her Dad and I'll still get to see her through the 4yrs of service :) (not as much as I'd like but she is gonna know who her Dad is :) and generally am in a fuckin good mood ::cracks open a Bud Light::

Cheers y'all :)

Am tired.

Spirtually

Emotionally

Physically.

Everything, am jus tired and I can't talk to anybody about it.Actually I will correct myself I can talk to ppl but I won't I mean who listen's to the listener's anyway??.

I am not gonna bitch or moan and complain i just wish I could get 5 minutes to catch my breath and chill out again but I can't but anyway I feel stupid jus writing this cos it to me is a show of weakness but at the end of the day when all is sed and done am human ans humans need a break every now and again and I embrace my humanity hurt and all (especially the hurt) so this is my way of dealing but don't mistake it for a character flaw I've enough of them anyway but maybe I'll feel better tommorrow.

Ppl,ppl aaaahhhhhhhhh they make you laugh they will carry the most fragile beutiful things in their hands/heartz they will admire the objects beuty and admire and marvel at it's sheer creation and the fact that they hold this wonderful light in their hands after it has given itself to them willingly.

The person will hold it gently at first then tighten their grip lil by lil (some ppl straight away) and they will inevitably crush it so the light will never be seen nor heard by anyone ever again and when they open their hand all that is left is a pile of tear soaked ash in their hand staining it as well so the person will never forget what they had.

I hate ppl sometimes especially the ones who never EVER seem to realise what they got till its gone and then they will cry and bitch about it like it was NEVER their fault ::Shakes head in disbelief:: you ppl need to learn to grow up and fuckin fast or else you are nothin.

Well am not per se and to be completely honest I understand what bein a goth is it just ain't me :).

I'm jus a chilled laid back brother who likes to kick it with everybody (hell I kick it with a few mates who would be called a chav/scally but I know their cool) am jus sayin that I don't fall into a particular category which suits me I mean in my CD collection you'll get shit like Rammstein to Blink 182 to Pink and then Eminem but the bulk of my Collection is S.O.A.D and R.A.T.M so maybe am political lol my book collection is Buffy mostly with a lil Micheal Moore and my Comic collection is Spiderman (what you think comix are for kid??/ ok read Preacher and tell me thats for kids) My films are a bloody twisted hybrid as well lol as well as blade and about 6 other vamp flicks I got Idle hands and XXX (Vin diesel I unfortunately don't have a porn collection lol j/k j/k I mean I don't have one i'm jus joking that I want one lol) my jewel in the DVD collection has to be My L.O.T.R collection all the updated versions too :) man Gimli rocks man I love that lil dude i wanna be like him when am old and grey...................and start to shrink lol but anyway college is callin just thought I'd be honest and if you wanna catorgorise hell go ahead though but have fun because if you do place me i'll jus say/do something that will jus contradict you but thats me am a walking contradiction but that is another story :) have fun y'all :)

::Long drawn out exhausted sigh::

well last night I traversed the whole length of town goin to EVERY pub and club looking for a job and a few sed come back in a few weeks (yeah right like I can be arsed) other places wanted a C.V which is cool..........................I jus don't have one ::roll's eye's another thing to sort along with the bill's:: a few other places took my number sort of a "don't call us we'll call you" so there's a big YEAH,RIGHT.

And then I actually got an interview I walk into the bar and fill in an application form and it turnz out the guy interviewing me used to kick my ass in Primary school because well basically long story but needless to say I didn't get the job ::Contented sigh:: Aw well shit happens as it were but it won't stop me tryin as tired as my legs and my mind are am still gonna keep tryin I'm gonna search all the OTHER bars in Liverpool i.e. the Chav/Scally bars yes readers you read right all the other bars I tried were student bars but this is how desperate fo a job I am, and all this while I got to lose weight as well so the Army can still be an option for me :) I'm 84kg I got to be 73kg so not that much to lose but hey its hard when a brother like me loves chicken that much I might just have to (I can't say it :( cut down on the chicken lol but you get the idea anyway I got to go and get a job/life/haircut :) till next time spidey fanz :) (why do I finish with that??? oh yeah stan Lee is the greatest comic genius ever to grace the planet thats why ah I Knew there was a reason lol later for now and wish me luck)

Holy smeg on a stick it's been a busy 3 days :( I've been working in a dementia ward near mine (the ultimate depiction of the term mixed emotions) and I've been looking for a job after that then travelling halfway across Liverpool to see my lil baby before she goes to bed :) sheesh and top that off the possibility of me goin out this weekend is lookin slim but hey Buffy's on Saturday so it ain't all that bad and I haven't had a ciggie for nearly 4 dayz now so YEAH BABY lol till next time y'all :)

Every single day what say

makes no sense to me

Lying on a bed

Wanting to be free



Dunn don't ask but hey I feel god/crap today but then I alwayz do :) glad to see my lil baby all bouncy and vibrant (VEX) and my other baby jus rules my world (ever see a 20yr old crumble to a 18mnth lol it's kinda sweet :) and jus happy to be alive :)

Ever feel like yesterday's news??

Or just felt like you never fit in wherever you go and you know it ain't got FUCK all to do with you i.e your clothe's, coulor, your belifs???

well i do all the time I try not to let it bother but like a G.I in Nam sometimes this shit just creeps up on you lol.

I was talking to good friend and he was talking about why this maybe why do I feel like this and I told him a really long story but at the end he jus looked at me and laughed and just plainly sed "Dude your a fuckin empath" now at first i thought he was takin the piss but the more I thought about lil motherfucker could be right lol now I ain't gonna brand my own ass you know "Oooh look at me am an empath" lol you get me but it really does make sense oh I could give you all MANY examples but believe I'd end up crashing VR lol so many stories lol but I can see a lil clearer now and it sux because now my worry/concern for a few friends has increased jus slightly and one of them has my "Spidey" sense tingling and not in a good way but I know there a strong individual who won't take no shit so I'll just be in the far sidelines and I'll cast the occasional glance there way every now and again make sure they a'ight but anyway till next time spidey fans :)

It's a new dawn it's a new day.................and am feelin good.

LOL bitches and Gentleman give brother chaos your unholy ears because i've got a lilsomething to say.

I AM SINGLE LOLOLOL I AM FREE omg I now am one with all the gr8's Martin Luther King, Malcolm X and Nelson Mandela lol although not to their extent or struggle (Although I tend to live my life by the standard and beliefs they set out to acheive especially MLK) but I no longer am hitched to a bitch.hey that rhymes lol but seriously it's workin out cool me an her still talkin were cool an I still get to be a daddy which is the most important thing but on a fun note I AM FREE those proverbial chains y'all probably heard my ass rattle on about are gone I can now live my jackass lifestyle and be a daddy and hell not even one of those shit kickin half assed weekend dads I mean a full fledged daddy (I know I don't live with my baby but unlike me and half of my area she gonna know who here daddy is) but goddess I'm hasppy now I truly am sooooooooo fuckin happy and you know what am probably gonna get kicked off here because I feel like am lighting up the place lol but I don't care I'm gone I'm history I'm geology but am FREEEEEEEE and y'all don't like it???

KISS MY ASS lol