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I realize Ive posted something similar earlier this month, but its something I think about alot and yes, it bothers me some. Anywhoooo Ill let you get on with it:



Now that Ive been living home for over 6months and have reclaimed my sanity so to speak it has become more and more obvious to me that I dont belong with my friends anymore. I love them, and they are good people, but there is no connection, I dont trust them and I find that going out with them is more of a chore than something I look forward to doing. We dont laugh and have fun, we share akward meetings where most of our conversations are about the others in our group or our dogs.

I have been trying for 6months now to expand my circle and meet new people, but making friends is proving hard, or well. Making friends is easy, meeting people to make friends with is the hard part. Ive made more aquaintances that I share the same connection with as my friends, but that is all and I am more and more looking forward to moving away with mixed emotions. Because I know that too, will only be temporary, here is where I belong, Ill always end up back here, but maybe things will change by the next time I move home, who knows..?

This isn't meant to be a whiny entry about how sorry people should feel for me. I am quite capable of being on my own, but there is an emptyness, of course. I miss sharing my joys, sorrows, hopes and dreams, to joke, go to parties with friends. I mean waking up one morning and think: "OH I hope X doesn't have plans today, I wanna take him/her to..." or just looking forward to a movie night with someone and have a rewarding conversation with someone.. For now though, I do these things on my own, and share things with my journal here lol.

Haha! that sounds so incredibly pathetic *laughs* Oh well, maybe I am pathetic, but I can't help that sometimes people grow apart. We still hang out, but its more of a chore. It shouldn't feel like that, I shouldn't think "oh alright I guess Ill go...*sighs*" Atleast I hope thats not how its supposed to be. But then I am at a weird place in my head these days so maybe some screws have just come loose or something :D



On a different note, Im super psyked these days because the lakes have FINALLY warmed up so I can swim, I haven't gone swimming in years and I sooo love it! Aaaand lets see Im happy. Ive been very happy for months now, and I seem to be managing on my own (without therapy that is) and I feel like my life is taking shape, you have no idea what it feels like to finally wake up in the morning and know who I am, what I want and those not being bad things!! Or maybe you do, and in that case, awesome! :D Ive spent most of my life in darkness inside myself, and now that Im comming into the light so to speak, Im getting to know a whole new person, I am actually a very cool person, and Im kinda purdy *laughs* Those who know me and read this are probably laughing at this, but it might have taken me a while to realize this myself alright? lmao!



Lets see what else?

On comment to my last entry about the bartender, Im doing as was adviced, untill he himself tells me about these things Im saying fuck it and Im gonna keep seeing him. He knows full well where I stand on the matter and that is unchangeable by anyone.



Well I guess thats enough rambling for one night, its now past midnight so I am gonna curl up in my bed with my book. Goodnight my children of the night and whoever else reads this crap lol. Take care:-)

Ive had a good thing going with a local bartender, we've been fooling around and having a blast, Ive informed him that Im moving away in august and he seemed aware that it was a summer fling, thing To end in august.

Anyways, last friday a friend of his tells me he's head over heels inlove with me and wanting it to become more serious. For now we've just been kissing the nights he's off and talking the nights he's worked... I have no interest whatsoever in anything else, so now I gotta call it off. It pisses me off, that he didn't tell me this himself sooner "oh btw, I kinda have feelings for you." Dumbass!

So I guess when I see him this friday I get the joy of breaking his heart 2 months before I leave, and he gets to have me hanging around his job having to make me drinks every single weekend untill I leave.. poor guy :'(

goddammit!

Never shit where you eat kids *sighs* :-(

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xXGUARDIANXx
20:56 Jun 29 2011

You could avoid the head / heart aches and just go along like every other day has been up until you leave or until he presses the issue more. No sense ruining a good thing while you have it unless you have to.

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Today my friend Rita G, took her last breath after her 2 year long battle with cancer. She was 23 years old and a sweet and gentle person. She loved dogs, specially a berneese mountain dog named Isma.

Sometimes life just isn't fair. And you find yourself asking; why her? why not some druggie, or someone old and hateful, or a suicidal person. But such thinking is fruitless, I know. Cancer doesn't care, it hits whoever completely at random. Just 4 months ago she and I were talking about where we want to live when we have families, what our houses would look like, how many dogs and children etc. She was healthy and sitting right in this room, talking about her future now that she was cancer free. We even went to a party. Then it came back.. and it went so fast, way to fast.



So far in my life Ive lost 3 people to it. My uncle Sverre, my uncle Jan, and Rita. My father had cancer but luckily they caught it early and he still lives. Apart of those died of cancer Ive lost Halvord to a heart attack, as did my grandfather. Jørgen was uncareful with his motorcycle and died, My friend Karlsen, Snatchy on here died last year, He jumped from the 7th floor of his hotel. I seem far too young to have such a long list of loved ones no longer around.. When people get sick I think, oh so their next now. Will it be quick. But this too is morbid, I can't help those thoughts only push them away.



Im just venting here really, we thought she had more time with us. She was too young to suffer so, and so gentle, sweet and kind. She was funny, in a goofy mishap kind of way. She never meant to be funny, but she was. Ill miss her dearly. The world is now a poorer place. Rest in peace Drita-Rita-Pita This is a tribute to your memory. Forever in my journal ramblings. Hope you feel better now, and that you will never more have pain, wherever you've gone to. Be safe.

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Angelus
20:44 Jun 24 2011

a well entitled ramble...

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Now that I finally have myself in order (as much as possible, Ill always be crazy;) ) All my friends seem to think its OK to throw all THEIR problems on me. Now I have a friend calling me saying "ooh Ive been drinking for a week straight, I can't sleep and my life sucks, cant you come over and help me get better?" I have another friend dumping all her relasionship problems on me, and hell even one of my suitors is dumping is ex girlfriend issues and angers on me! I litterally JUST got out of therapy, Im still trying to find my footing and this is soooo stressing me out, but I cant exactly turn them down either.. So Im making yet another VR rant that no one will read just to get it off my chest :-)



Can't people just deal with their own bullshit for once? Im no ones mom :( Plus I have my own league of bullshit, The lovestruck bartender who loves me when he's drunk and hates me when he's sober, what the hell is that about? *sighs*

The lovestruck old, midget-man that seems to think I can't see him cussing out my friends when Im off buying drinks. And the owner of the bar.. the MARRIED owned of the bar shamelessly hitting on me and insisting on driving me home every night Im there drinking.



So to all the dramaqueens out there, be careful who you dump your drama and ranting on, some peoples plates are full, even if they dont always have the heart to tell you so. My candle is burning at both ends, lets see how long it burns before I get burnt or the flame dies.. fingers crossed!

Alrighty kiddies, guess I feel like posting shit here again, dont know if anyone actually reads my rambling, not sure wether I care or not lmao!

It has come to my attension that I am a huge nerd, this I see as good! lol



My life is kinda pathetic these days. Since I got back it has become more and more apparent that I dont really go on very well with my old friends, wich results in me spending pretty much all my time on my lonesome. This doesn't bother me much, BUT it does make me very frustrated because I have no one to confide in, tell about my day or the guy I kinda like.. it gets lonely.

So in short Im abit short tempered and I go out alone every weekend, have done this for a few months now, hoping to meet some new and fun people to hang out with. Or maybe even a date *smiles* But so far I go home empty handed (so to speak) and think, "oh well, theres always next weekend" It has gotten to the point that when I walk in the doors at the pub I go to, everyone knows me and and shouts out hello's. This startles me at the same time as I find it amusing. I only go out one night a week, so do NOT throw the "alcoholic" card at me.

Anywho, what I love most about VR is that I can vent here as much as I want and maybe someone will even give advice. Im comming up short here, I have no idea where to make friends, because so far all I meet are random people wanting to date me, that I have no interest in, and people wanting to be friends, that I have nothing in common with, like: REALLY lonely people. I miss having someone to talk to, or someone to call when Im bored and wanna hang out, this is leading to me kinda wanting to meet a guy since making friends is even harder. But Im too picky with guys so thats not really working out for me either *sighs*