Days of Laze...21:54 Nov 30 2008
Times Read: 673
We are all supposed to have some shit to be thankful for for this holiday weekend. I can't help but think I am a bad person because I was thankful for the days off from work, stuffing myself like a heifer, shirking work until the long weekend and not getting caught.
I did not extend proper thanks to the turkeys (you guys rock, man!), the American Indians (hey, I'm sorry you got screwed, but at least you can get your revenge via the casinos), the Pilgrims (you guys suck, but this massacre turned out well... I mean holiday-wise -- we won't mention your attempt at genocide. Or turkicide), the creator of gravy stuffing and sweet potato -- NO! Not here, I mean to show respect... Oh yeah! Thank you Soviets (I know you all have new tag names now, but this is easier for me) for supplying the vodka to us capitalistic pigs -- because this pig? Whoo! Another story for another day... (like when I get the police report)
So, what happened with the family of Dutch? Same twisted shit that happens every year. My sis and I got stoned and then kept getting the giggles throughout dinner. I ruined my father saying grace because my sister kept making me laugh and since my Daddy is a sensitive (6'5") flower, he dropped his long-ass "Jesus and family" ramblings and settled for "Kiss the chef and dig in!" Good thing too! I had a spoonful of stuffing hovering over my plate and totally lost any idea of etiquette; on my plate or back in the bowl? My hand going back and forth like a metronome of confusion, the giggling and the probable rolling of my mother's ever-unsupportive eyes hypnotized him to silence. Score one for us.
The turkey was so damned good. I had started my sneak attacks on the bird about five minutes after arrival. It's really funny how many excuses you can make up about needing to go in the kitchen! By now, Mom already knows to put a couple of pieces on the side for her vulture daughter.
I look forward to this fucking feast every year! Why is it that I now can only eat one plate per sitting? When i was growing up, I was like a black hole of gluttony -- and i was good at it! Never even gained weight. Now? My mind tells me I can wolf down three biscuits, turkey leg, ham, sweet potatoes, tons of stuffing and an ocean of gravy... and go back for seconds. I could hear my stomach plead with my with every bite. Shit. I have to make up for lost eating on Friday "Leftover Party"
This is the worst event in history of my Mother's damned traditions.... She puts all the beautiful food in the fridge and basically threatens the life of everyone within earshot if they have some before other scavengers, from other homes come and pick at my mother-fucking food! We are not feeding homeless people. No, just sharing our good shit because we all know their food is not as good as my Mom's. This is a freaking travesty for me. I don't want to share! Or... at least bring something other than the same stupid cookie plate that seems to only be available for our visitors. SCREW YOUR COOKIES!! IT'S A TURKEY HOLIDAY AND NOT A BAKE SALE! Scavengers.
I found that if I mix vodka, Kahlua, Amarretto and milk, I get happy after two big glasses. For me? Happiness means the shit in front of me is too blurry to upset me.
I was very happy.
No longer stoned, but quite content, I play with my cool nephew, Stone. I love this boy so much! Even though I did use his mother's (my sister) shirt to wipe boogers off his face... and I did kinda gag when I did it -- I still love him! He makes me feel all cute and special when he sees me and yells "Hi!!" Or when he looks at me and starts cracking up... I'd like to think it has to do with my being funny. I realize it is more so because I am funny looking.
My evil Aunt and weirdo cousin came to the house, much to my mother's dismay. My Aunt is your run-of-the-mill whore. Just a fact and not a judgement call. Growing up, I remember her always having different boyfriends and she pushed my older cousin off on my grandmother because "she couldn't concentrate on herself". She hooked up with the world's fattest and greasiest truck driver one year and decided his sperm was worthy of her cesspool of a uterus -- 9 months later, my younger cousin was hatched.
That little snot was evil from his toddler years onward. The only thing he could use in his defense (which I often fell for) was the fact that he is mentally damaged. He has also had a ton of brain tumors and surgeries, plus, Aunt Ho never let him out the house so he has no social skills WHATSOEVER. Napkins are still a novelty for him. Now, at 18 or 19 (whatever) he is a 6'6" 300+ pound lazy asshole. Not that I didn't see it coming. I mean, here is the kid that would have my 80+ year old grandmother trek to him to give him "strictly cash" (yeah! no kiddin') for his birthday. He left her in the hallway of his apartment building because "his mother said no strangers". I hate that fucker. I've tried to be nice. I hate him. I got to sit next to him during dinner. Maybe that is why I had the one plate.
My other younger cousin came along -- she is my pet! Granted, she is almost 5'10" and only 15... Oh, and if she says she is 5'8" she is a lying bitch because it would make me 5'5" and that is totally unacceptable. She entertains me by making cat noises through dinner. Twice, my mother turned to see where her cat was, heh heh.
So, no fights... other thank my sister and her husband (which they actually do when they're playing with each other... I dunno, I still don't get BDSM). No too drunk to be alive stories. I did unlock a bunch of achievements on my Xbox, which counts in my book.
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