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I weight myself the other day. Im 196 pounds. and I just barely turnt 19. Im fat, and I can see it, I barely fit into my own clothes. I want to be so much thinner, or at least weight less and not be a size 15. It hurts to see myself like this at times. I dont even put on make up anymore. I wear a lot of pajamas and baggy shirts. I feel and look, like a slob.



I dealt with Brody leaving me without a word. dissappearing off and on until I decided it was time to put the pain to rest. Im not sure how long I waited, and a part of me is still waiting for him to come back. Sometimes, I think, Im looking for him to tell me Ill be alright, and that I can do this. I can lose this weight that came from knowhere, and my fear of failure, and my fear of people will go away.



Im still looking for my star.

well, yesterday my mom ended up putting one of her dogs down. he had a torn ligament they couldnt fix and it was either lethal injection, or 900 dollars of surgery that might not even do anything but make it worse.



I had to walk out of the vets office when I heard lethal injection. I still have some sore memories of the day I had to lay frodo to peace in the very same office on that very same table. I dont hink ill ever forget that day.



Mom says i am so attached to animals because I have a huge heart for them. when she told my grandmother about how i flipped out on her after she let the vet kill him, she said my grandfather was the same way.

they knew I was stubborn, but they didnt think I was almost exactly like him.



when my grandfather was alive, he loved animals, all kinds. and when he died, his cat got sick [ I loved that cat, nobody but me and my grandfather could lug it around like we did] anyways, after he died, she got sick and had to be put down, and my grandmother told my mom that while he was alive, my grandfather would have never allowed that.



I can believe it, ive always had a nack for animals. I was always asked why I was never, or never became a vet, and thats because I could never have the heart to put as many animals down as they do in their lifetimes.

I get attached to an animal within minutes and thats all it takes before they finally give up for me to break down.



Id litterally drive myself insane with the attachment I cant help.



Today, I ended up burning myself making dinner, I now have 2nd degree burns on my right hand, and man doe it HURT. the skin is all white and gross. *sigh*



another day bites the dust.

So Ive been up and down for a while, trying to figure myself out. Figure out how I can fix things and not mess other stuff up.



So why does like take us on such paths, where our hearts and souls are tortured and our minds are ridden numb with thoughts and pain, and memories.Why do we as humans have to endoure such cruel ritauls of faith and peserverence just to get to the fork in the road, where we either choose insanity or being an adult?



I guess being a teen comes with the greasy pizza, oily face ridden with nasty sits and scars, and a few not only trashed but shattered hearts to go along with it all.







oh life....cant live with it, cant live without it

is this really the twilight? that point in life where you start to sit back and wonder what is wrong with you? why cant you just be happy for once and not sad?



i cant seem to kepp my head on straight. I feel as if im drifting in the middle of knowehere, swimming agaisnt a current i can no longer resist.



i dread the tomorrow's. sometime i wish it was the twilight. day and night are so predictable. so is birth and death. sometimes i even wonder if its worth living through the night.



the nightmares get worse every so often. struggle to sleep, make myself get to sleep. im confused and i feel so empty inside. i dont know what im doing anymore.



I dont know wnayone to talk to. sometimes i feel as if continuing to breathe is a chore.



And whos going to be there to catch me when I fall?