EpicInDefiance's Vampire Journal

EpicInDefiance's Journal

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What will it take to get through to you precious?
17:07 Mar 24 2008
Times Read: 775

Well I really don't know how to start this but I got a call last night from Rob that really shook me up. I understand his rasicm to an extent. I don't know what it's like to hate an entire race and I don't think that I ever will. I do however know what kind of hate he has. I do have a hate that runs very deep.

For the past week or two I've been having dreams about having a child. Just one and it's a boy. Now I've had dreams where I've had a boy but he ends up dying at the age of 5. That deeply disturbes me. When I was a child I had dreams that I couldn't explain and now in my present and past present I've been to those places that I've had dreams about. What I am going through now in my life I have had dreams before they have happened. I guess you could call them mere premenitions. I just hope that if I do have a child that those dreams aren't what to happen. Speaking of those kind of dreams I have had plenty of dreams even before I met Rob of a male that is in prison. I thought before had that those were dreams of a past life but now they are becoming demly close to him and not my previous lives. I wish that there was some way that he could come to terms with his hatered. But he has to do it on his own. I hope he does before he does end up back in prison. I know that there is nothing that I would do to but him there. I would try my damndest to prevent it. How could I not.

With all my emotions swimming all the time I can't really put them together and make sense of them like I usually do. I love his son. His son is so precious. His life hasn't even begone and still I see the same hatered in his son's eyes that I do in his. I see something that I definatly don't like. I hate to say this because he is so young but seeing him walk his father's path whether we wants it or not is definatly a toss up. I want to embrass them both. I want to be apart of both there lives for as long as they'll have me. I have such a yerning to not neccessarily start a family but to be apart of an exsisting one. I don't see much in my family. But in his family's lives they seem so innocent but they are far from it. Maybe it's just the illusion that I feel when I'm around them. They seem happy and open and then certain things they say keep me on the edge. Like I want to shield myself away but I want to still be apart of it.

I suppose that I could write more but more words for that have definatly escaped me. I thnk I got out what I had intended to.

COMMENTS

whiskeyshot
17:10 Mar 24 2008

very well written

Exsuce me. Am I intruding?
05:01 Mar 13 2008
Times Read: 782

So I'm confused as hell again. Good job. That's the only thing that seems to be going steady with my emotions lately. I feel like I'm going nuts or bipolar. I'm know that I'm not but when I can't tell what I would like to be real or what I think is really going on to be true or not I question myself and everything around me. I question myself, friends, family, and those I deem close to me; especially them the most. Not more than myself but close enough. What? When? Why? are usually the three main questions that I have for myself. I'm definatly not home and even so I think going "home" wouldn't help me out one bit. This isn't my home. This isn't my family. This isn't my life with them. Then is seems like all my walls are being knocked down and I suddenly feel a sense of security and safety that blows me away. This tends to happen spuraticaly throughout the day. It seems that my talent you may call it for reading people's emotions and auras haven't been helping. I think that most of that has been a part of my anxiety attacks that have been happening a lot more lately than before. That's why I usualy get uber quiet or try to remove myself from the situation by either going out for a cig or pretending that I have to go to the bathroom in order to collect my thoughts. stupid I know.

damit.

This sounded a whole lot better the first time I wrote it.

Metallica - Welcome Home.

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