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Ever since the ag of 10 I have fought an endless battle with myself. The battle of loosing weight. needless to say it has been like a Yo-Yo. I have at times lost weight but gained it back. I know the reason why and few on here know why. Even after the counseling and therapy I still fight it. It is a daily struggle to say the least. It is the one thing I have not been able to overcome, nothing else nor anyone else has been successful at keeping me down.

However I have recently gotten back on the medication for the things I have wrong and for some reason the weight seems to be melting away. I don't see it when I look at myself but my clothes scream at me otherwise. I have a pair of jeans that wouldn't even fit last year and now they fit and are starting to get even more loose. I am so happy. I know my beauty isn't dependent on my weight but does influence the way others see me and judge me. But maybe with the changes they will soon start to see a different person and decide that I am deserving of chance and try to be my friend at least.

The past month has not been the best for me. Especially the last week or so. The quote on my profile is from a poems that I wrote a few years ago. I thought I had lost the only copy I had. But just about 5 minutes ago my daughter was going through the only box of stuff her dad her back and found that poem. It has been missing since before her stuff was ever packed into that box so I am not quite sure how it happened but I am very greatful that it did.

Why do some people have to be so frusterating?? You say or ask one thing but all of your actions prove the opposite to be true. Why?? Do you not know what you want?? Well why not figure that out first?? Becasue sif you don't know what you want how can anyone make you happy??? If you know what you want then why does it seem like what you say you want isn't??? Or you seem to be cold and push what you say you want away?? How long do you think it will sit and patiently wait for you to decide??

I just wanted to say Hi, share somes hugs and love with a friend. I hope the sun light brightens your day and warms your body and soul. I hope that the thought of butterflies and fairies bring a smile to your heart and face. And may the gentle beauty that surrounds you give you peace, comfort and a reason to continue your journey.

So come my love and take my hand. Together hand in hand and heart to heart you and I will walk in the night. We will dance in moonlight and feast upon each other until we've had our fill. And then to the edge of ecstasy we will journey together as we sexually fullfill each others fantasies.



Something I was just inspired to write. Funny how love can bring things to life.

Hello again, Today has been a good day so far. My daughter had her appointment with the psychiatrist this morning. It went really well. She was given additional diagnoses of Oppositional Defiant Disorder and AD/HD. She was given the medication Vyvanse and will start it tomorrow. She has to go back to him on December 15th. I hope that this medicine is the link that has been missing and that it will help her calm down enough to start healing and really benefitting from her counseling and therapy. I will give updates as we receive them.

My daughter is my heart and soul. She is my reason for living and the very reason I am alive today. My heart is breaking because I understand what is wrong with her, what she is going through and everyone else just seems to not care. Their answer is to have her put in a mental hospital, boot camp, etc. No one even wants to try to understand. I feel so alone and I know she does even more than I do. It hurts and is frusterating to be in this situation. it would be easier if i weren't so alone but We will make it through this just like we have made it through everything else that life has thrown at us. And while we will have scratches and scars we will be better, stronger, tougher, braver and more courageous. I just hope she know how very much I lover her.

COMMENTS

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Isis101
01:42 Nov 14 2011

Wow...good luck - and a lot of hard work - for you both.

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Bellanova333
03:31 Nov 14 2011

hugs

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Well, I am in rare form today. Lots of reasons why but the one that stands solid as a statue of iron, in the front of my mind is the school. My daughter is in second grade and I will not say she is perfect nor hide anything about her. She has her problems as we all do as a result of her past. We are currently working wth therapists, counselors, case managers, psychiatrists etc. to get her the help she needs. The school is well aware of all of her problems/issues and have been asked not to give her sugar or sweets. She can't handle them. Well, yesterday she comes home in rare form with a note from the teacher telling me she had trouble listening and following directions along with not being able to stay seated. I found out that the teacher who is aware of her problems, gave the kids candy all day because she was happy that her dad one the election for sheriff.

You willingly go against what has been asked and requested and give her candy and then want to punish her when she can't handle the sugar load??

Something is very wrong with that picture and I intend to get to the bottom of it today when I go for the conference with her teacher.

Maybe it just me being me, a bitch or whatever term you want to give me. But I just don't think it is right nor fair to the children who aren't supposed to have the sugar.

So, another night of tossing and turning. Mind racing in a million and one different directions. Everyone possible walking into your thoughts and dreams at some point. And questions thrown around and flung back and forth. Crying and screaming. Ratteling the chains that attach you to this bed, this dream, this person, this place... The place you long for yet are constantly running away from. Flipping the light switch on and off as if sending out a morse code message. Who do you want to reach, why do you want to reach them???? Kicking yourself, your friends, the ones who criticize you, condem you, point fingers and mock you. Banging, pot and pans, your head against the wall that blocks every path you try to go down. Lying, to yourself, your family, your friends, in this bed cold and alone. Twirling, lights, and carousels, colors from the words floating in the air. Gumdrops, candycanes and kisses, loevly things you wish you had but never will.

You know this really sucks. To be placed in the position where you have to choose between two people you care about in your family. Why can you just love both? No that would be too easy, well hard for everyone else to accept and deal with. But I guess after this weekend in everyones mind the problem will not exist anymore at least in there lives. But while they are happy, and moving on enjoying life and doing what they want. Mine is the heart that will be lying on the floor; broken and bleeind yet once again. And it is as if no one cares about me, I wonder if I have even crossed their minds, I'm sure I have but only for them to pint fingers and turn and distort everything so it appears to be all my fault.