The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

5 oz apple juice

1 1/2 oz apple schnapps

1 1/2 oz Goldschlager® cinnamon schnapps

1 1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps



You may have wondered how Santa (or Satan depending on your religion and whether or not you have dyslexia) manages to get to the home of every boy and girl in just one night. Well wonder no more. We've put our best men on the job...bribing elves, blackmailing Mrs. Claus, planting listening devices on reindeer, etc. The work paid off and we've returned with compromising footage of Chris Kringle's wife and what is evidently a potion to slow time down. Now we don't recommend taking this potion in the extreme dosage that Santa (or Satan) has used to slow time almost to a standstill, but if you're a bit harried this holiday season, a few doses of this potion should manage to give you a few more days in the year for shopping or a few more and it'll have you so relaxed that you don't care if you miss the whole season.



Pour apple juice into a cocktail shaker. Add Goldschlager, apple schnapps and butterscotch schnapps. Shake and strain into a large cocktail glass. Garnish with an apple slice or cinnamon stick, and serve. We believe that the phrase falalalalalalalalah was used as a spell to kick start the potion so say that every time you take a good gulp of this drink. When you can no longer say the spell, it's probably working.



So there you have it. The question of how Santa (Satan) managed to do it all in one night is answered...sort of...I mean we now know how he had the time...but if you've ever drank 70 or 80 glasses of this potion (as is necessary to near freeze time), you'd understand that there's now a whole new set of questions as to how the jolly fat man could even walk, much less deliver presents.



Serve in:

Champagne Saucer



Side Effects: Laughter...you know that whole Ho-Ho-Ho thing right? Well too many potions and you'll find yourself giggling on the floor and peeing yourself like a Elf on nitrous oxide. Also, I believe we mentioned a caution about trying to achieve Santa (Satan) - like time slowing. If you try, you will end up going into hibernation and wind up having time pass you by for the next couple months.

2 oz vodka

1/2 oz dry gin

1/2 oz dry vermouth

1 tbsp tequila

1 pinch salt

2 oz tomato juice



Quite a darling potion here for overcoming fear. You see a kiss from a vampire means that death quite fancies you and you shouldn't fear death when it's got a bit of a thing for you. Well the potion is pretty much a way of achieving that same inner strength without having to convince some bloodsucker to make out with you. Trust me on this...anything that's been dead or undead for any length of time...no matter how sexy it may appear...does not have a breath that you want to get to close too, much less suck face with. It's also safer really than trying to get snuggly with something that might just assume kill you as kiss you.



So combine your ingredients, shake with ice, strain over more ice in an old-fashioned glass, and serve with a clove of garlic as garnish, pierced with a wooden toothpick. If you prefer your potions neat, double the ingredients and leave out the ice (from the glass). The potion should remove your immediate fear of a particular item or issue. If not, have another...This potion is guaranteed to work (with enough doses).



Serve in:

Old-Fashioned Glass



Side Effects: One should always remember that on occasion, we are afraid of things for a very good reason. So it's not really recommended that you smear yourself in meat, go to a lion preserve and down a few of these potions. On a more realistic level, I don't recommend having this potion in a situation where the fear could be validated by you acting like a complete idiot...like a biker bar or a police convention. I recommend the Vampire's Kiss for things like fear of flying or fear of walking in a straight line (particularly for that last one).

2 oz aquavit

1/2 oz tequila

1 dash Angostura® bitters

1 dash Tabasco® sauce

1 dash horseradish sauce

V8® vegetable juice

black pepper



What we have here is a potion to ward off demons. Excessive use of potions in general will usually carry with it the overall side effect of attracting bad spirits or demonic possession. At least, that's what your going to tell the judge presiding over your Drunk in Public hearing. In fact, large doses of potions just in one given night, can have adverse affects on your relationship with the spirit world (and the real world at large). This potion is there to ease the after affects of the others. Take this one in the morning after too many mystic arts the night before.



Add ingredients to a shaker, fill with V8 juice and shake vigorously. Add black pepper to taste. Serve in a collins glass filled with ice, and garnish with celery and a lemon wedge. Demons hate normal food and they'll push that feeling on you. Since regular food is going to repulse you after too many potions, that celery stick is likely going to be the only thing you can keep down. Eat it.



Serve in:

Collins Glass



Side Effects: Be VERY cautious with your ingredients. A dash is just that...a dash. Those demons your trying to convince to leave can just as easily be convinced to stay. Go overboard on these ingredients and you can be assured of the most violent spiritual upheaval taking place in your gut and soon thereafter on your carpet, the counter, and your pillow.



Some say that the pain we suffer from using too many potions is a balance that keeps us from relying too heavily on these forms of magik. This potion can help negate those effects and therefore set you up for further misuse of the dark arts the next evening. It is highly recommended that you try to take it easy. If you needed a Hell Mary or two, then perhaps it's best that you stay home the next night and sleep for about 16 hours.

1 oz absinthe herbal liqueur

2 oz Pernod® licorice liqueur

2 oz sambuca

2 oz vodka



So you want to see in the dark eh? We've got you covered. This is a potion for night vision. 17th century French assassins would often take this potion to aid in their dark arts and evil deeds. The potion also came in handy to provide plausible deniability should the assassin in question ever be caught (which oddly enough happened a lot), since they couldn't remember what they did or where they were before capture.



Add ingredients to a shaker, mix and pour into 4 shot glasses. Light a candle in front of the four shots and begin shooting each glass (vomiting as necessary). There will first be a blinding light that can seem like it's going to knock you over...and in some cases does. Not to worry. Get back up and continue dosage. If you fall unconscious, check the time to make sure you're still out at night and continue where you left off. The amount of empty shot glasses will give you a clue as to how much more you have to do. Your night vision should last all the way till dawn and actually well past dawn.



Serve in:

4 Shot Glasses



Side Effects: Firstly, and this is a big one, seeing in the dark doesn't make you any better at driving in the dark and honestly this potion really kind of ruins motor skills and decision making anyway (victims of the 17th century French assassins were often not the original target of said assassins if that gives you any idea of where I'm going)...so driving is really not recommended. Second and this is really something to write down...get indoors before dawn. The last thing you want is night vision in the day. Trust me, it really sucks.