23:16 Apr 21 2009
Times Read: 686
Recently, I have been having trouble with some of the particular MS symptoms. Forgetfullness and lack of concentration, being the key ones recently.
Forgetfulness comes to a whole new plateau with Multiple Sclerosis. I the beginning, I would have to make notes and post them in the shower, to remind me how to give myself a shower. (Wash Hair, rinse, condition hair, Rinse, Wash face, rinse, Wash body, rinse). To have to spell it out and know that I would have to look at it, or come out, without washing myself, or with conditioner still in my hair. I would then come out, to another list. To brush my hair, my teeth, to put on deoderant, etc.
So, when I get in the car and can't remember how to drive. Or I drive and can't remember where I am going...its just a tad upsetting. Today, I had trouble with doing Math. I didn't have alot of money left in my account and I needed to get essentials to last the rest of the month. So, I got the essentials and couldn't figure out, why I was getting, "Insuffient funds" from the beeping machine at check out. I looked over at the groceries and couldn't fathom, why I couldn't buy them. Why didn't I have enough? (Because I had bought doggie bags, to pick up Maddie's waste, not 10 minutes before and I forgot). I started getting upset, because I didn't understand why I didn't have enough. I simply used the Credit card, to get out of there, so I could come home and figure out, not only where the money went, but why I couldn't do the math. Even now, I'm looking at a calculator and attempting to figure out how to use it. I begin to doubt my having a checking account, but I try.
The forgetfullness is occasional and I try to hide it most the time, but with the damn hormone pills, I start crying, feeling lost.
Now lets talk about not concentrating. This sympton, comes and goes also, but most people that have suffered depression will recognize this particular jewel in my arsenal of symptoms from MS.
Its the scattered brain, where you brain, jumps from subject to subject without much of a thread between them. Generaly, it feels as if it is jumping from subject to subject with the lone ranger theme going through your head. Again, another symptom that comes and goes, but I generally grind my teeth together, to keep anyone from understanding, or knowing what my mind is doing. I let others see it, I was called aweful names and mainly....stupid, scatterbrained, or an idiot.
Well last night LordV was introduced to my mind when it gets into that mindset. We were cuddling, looking into each others eyes. I spoke of how I couldn't want to have his baby, then spoke about him going to the doctor, then somehow got to how I would have to drive on Wednesday to the doctors. He leaned back onto his back, put his hands over his eyes, laughing. He then asked me, to thread those thoughts together, so he could understand the 3 different subjects. We laughed at first about it, but when I realized what it was, what I did, I started crying. What if he called me silly or stupid? What if he figured me for a scatterbrain or simply off my rocker?
Well, he didn't, other than making a comment of my being bipolar with the emotional change, so quick. He alleviated the fear that I would be thrown away, because of a disease that I can't control, as I had been before. We have been through so much in the past couple of years, but there is one test, that we haven't had to take yet. I haven't had an attack, since I met LordV, back in March of 2007. Although he has been on the phone with me, through my previous attack in 2006, its a whole nother ballgame, seeing how debilitating the disease can make me.
I believe in LordV, because he has never given me a reason to believe that he would discard me, its still a fear for anybody with a debilitating disease. For someone to look at you and to simply not want to deal with you, or to help you. I know...been there done that.
I learned a long time ago, that I couldn't hold my mother and father accountable for my childhood. My father was dealing with a undiagnosed ADHD and Anxiety disorder. My mother, dealing with having Multiple Sclerosis and slowly loosing the ability to do things. Once in college, I took some psychology classes to be able to understand my upbringing and how it shaped me. I can't fault my parents, for some of the guilt trips or violence that I suffered, simply because it was the diseases. My mother is my best friend and my father and I have a loving relationship. The meanness that came out during my childhood, were due to the frustrations of dealing with a physical impairment, not because I was a bad child.
So, I ask that all of you, open your mind when dealing with someone with an illness, whether it be depression, bipolar, Cancer, Fibromyalgia or Multiple Sclerosis. Just understand, you have to know the person underneath, to understand why they can change so completely when dealing with their illness. Its not their fault. Its simply a coping mechanism. Its survival.
COMMENTS
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Cheetahcry
02:19 Apr 22 2009
Hugs to you hun. I deal with an autistic nephew, and a sister in law that has a combination of MS & MD. So I can understand what you are saying.
Kitsuna
07:47 Apr 22 2009
*hugs* I love ya sis. No matter how MS may shape you, I'm still always gonna love my friend underneath. :)
Sinora
10:12 Apr 22 2009
I also have to deal with memory and concentration problems. Use whatever works for you and don't be embarrassed. I laugh at myself, and simply tell people I have a memory problem and leave it at that. If it pleases them to think I'm stupid, well that's up to them. *hugs*.