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I look to her, my pillar of strength. I look to her my fountain of reason. I look to her my source of reason in a whirldwind of chaos. She heals me. She soothes me, she helps me stand back up. Like a brother firefighter who would carry my injured body off the fireground, she rescues my soul. I've never met her, would not recognize her in a crowd but I know when she prays to her gods and goddesses, she asks for their protection on me and I feel her intervention She's a complete stranger and I could never live without her. Immortality a blessing to never die, but a curse to do it alone, she fills my void, she makes me whole. She give me the strength to keep plodding on in this world not really making a difference. Not really making things any better, but surviving. She is my savior, my harbor in the tempest. My beloved Kamarilla Kaine.

COMMENTS

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KamarillaKaine
05:16 Mar 22 2009

you have left me utterly speechless ..

to have had such an affect on you, no more than we have spoken .. leaves me BEYOND words...



you honor me with more credit that i deserve :)

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The Kindred of Philadelphia are at the Ball decked out in their best. The ventrue in their power suits, the torreadors in their latest fashions. The Brujah in the best jeans and leather the gangrel in long coats blending away from the crowd. And of course the malkavaians in their eccentric outfits. All wondering why the eyes of the tremere sheriff is not bearing down from the balcony, his tuxedo donned perfectly.



I gave up alcohol for Lent and felt no desire to punish myself by drinking mineral water at my favorite party. Plus no real desire to see my ex. I will be at the next one and the one after that. It 's just when I go to a Kindred party, I go to party, dance, mingle and taste the spirits and the blood. Dracula's Ball is not a place for abstinence, so therefore, I will stay out this time. I will stay alone and let the rumors about my going to the ground for a age or two of rest run wild. Let the young lions buck around to see who has the wherewithall to take my seat...only surprise neonates, the old lion ain't going anywhere. I may be slower and grayer, but I can still kick butt and even get it up on occasion. When the time comes to replace me, I'll name someone and the prince will sign off on it.



So don't read to deep into my absence tonight. I'll be back and I'll be thirsty. And I'll be there to hunt.

So I finally broke down and saw a shrink like so many people have been bitching at me to do for so long. Because my crappy health plan has no mental health benefits, I resisted and this little trip cost $200.



So, I meet this doctor, sit in her chair answer a shitload of questions at the end of which she says, "well, it seems like you have condition A and condition B, which is unusual because usually one counteracts the other blah blah. Anyway, I don't think I'm the right person to treat you, so I recommend you look into the doctors which practice at the universities." Sheesh, it was $200 to see her unqualified ass, I wonder what one of the university docs would run. I don't have the money.



I appreciate her honesty, but it is a little disheartening to be told be a medical professional that I'm too fucked up for psychiatry.



Just sayin

COMMENTS

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KamarillaKaine
22:04 Mar 12 2009

*sigh*



you're not beyond help ...

you're just gonna have to be strong and work to GET it ...



trust me i KNOW its not easy ..

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Mardigan
23:21 Mar 12 2009

Thanks hon, you are the best

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A friend of mine was kind enough to copy and paste a journal entry from my ex in an email to me. Thanks babe, you're the best.



As for my ex, I never realized that membership on this site was contingent on dating a senior member. She was the one that turned me on to this site, but I no more thought I would be indirectly accused of stalking by staying on this site than I would feel justified in making the same accusation if she showed up at Dracula's Ball, where I've been a regular since 2004.



Let's review:



Calls made to you since we broke up = 0

Text messages sent to you since we broke up = 0

Emails sent to you to you since we broke up = 0

Personal appearances at your home, workplaces, school or hangouts = 0

Any attempts to interact, contact or cross paths with you = 0



I liked you, but we were never going to work out. I have already been married, had children, finished school, and am several years into a career and you're still looking forward to all of that. I wish you the best and hope you do a better job of it than I did. I'm glad you broke things off, because I'm too much of a softy to have done it myself. But do get over yourself. I'm not going to stop living just because we're not together anymore.