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I am so, so tired.

I'm tired mentally.
I'm tired emotionally.
I'm tired physically.
I'm tired of pretending.

I'm just so fucking tired.

It feels like two steps forward and then 50 back. Then I have to pretend. Pretend that I am fine in company and everything is great. While I'm alone I fall apart and wonder why I did any of this? Why did I even bother to go to school? Why did I even bother to get either certificates? I'm tired of feeling like I am going to amount to nothing no matter what I do. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of struggling every single day- to live, to function, to survive. I'm tired of putting myself out there only to get knocked back down and discarded.

I am over when people say 'Oh you are so resilient!" and "Oh, you are so independent!" or "Oh, you are such an optimistic person!"

Gee, thanks, Martha... you know why I have to be those things? Because if I wasn't resilient I would have been dead in a ditch many years ago due to all this bullshit life has thrown at me. Independent? You gotta have to be when you are an only child, you mom dies when you're 22 and then you have to parent the one parent you have left because they make shitty decisions. Oh, and that family you were close with all those years... fucked right off after my mom died. I have to be optimistic because if not what else is there?

I am not a victim.
I am not a whiner.
I'm not a whoah is me person.

But godsdamn I am so fucking tired.
I feel like all I say to myself is "I don't know anymore".
This is the only space where I don't have to pretend to be jolly good. Because let's be real- I'm really fucking not.

COMMENTS

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Earthgrinder
00:02 Oct 12 2025

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

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MorningStarAldan
03:21 Oct 12 2025

gurl, I am gonna beat you :p Tho, you might like that kinda pain :::giggles:::

you may not be ok. But remember this. Once you have grounded your energy and sat in the stillness of it, remember the strength you have. You do. I see it. I feel it. Don't ever doubt yourself in that respect.

And again, I am gonna beat you. How dare you forget you can use me when you need someone to beat up on, cuz you need to let it out :P

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