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There’s a part of me that wishes I could just shut off certain emotions. Not all of them—because empathy, caring, understanding, those things are such a big part of me. Especially after the way my life shifted.

To be able to just… turn them off for a while would be such a relief. I’m moving forward, getting things up and running. I’m also moving forward in trying to find the pieces of myself that got lost along the way—my likes and dislikes, my values, my core beliefs. The things that feel like they wandered off because I put myself on hold for so long.

And of course, you can’t do that without bumping into the emotions you tucked away. The ones still tied to people, even though it’s been so, so long. The old arguments, the words said in hurt and anger. The moments where I could have been a better friend. The times I said “hate” only to realize later it wasn’t hate at all. The memories of friendships that made me laugh, gave me comfort, etched love into my heart. Remembering. Missing. Just missing.

Those are the times I wish I could switch it all off, even for a while. I’m not stuck in the past, I’m not living there—but those memories still show up and they haunt me for a moment. You can be moving forward, moving on, and then suddenly the what ifs sneak in. What if that hadn’t happened? What if I had slowed down and thought before reacting? What if the distance had been closed? What if there were still words to be said?

And then I wonder—do they ever think the same what ifs about me?

Those are the moments I wish I had that switch. Because that’s when I realize those bits of love etched into me back then… they’re still there. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse.