The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Little Johnny
02:53 Mar 31 2010
Times Read: 588




A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"



She calls on little Johnny to answer. He replies, "There are none left - they all fly away with the first gun shot."



The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."



Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"



The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."



To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Thongs
23:10 Mar 30 2010
Times Read: 592

I was at my best friends house

well things were going good I was like 17

long ago lol.. well we were going to get into the pool she had some friends over and all was going well'' Until the pool we all got undressed to get in the pool... we were splashing around having a blast we got out wrapped in towels and went in the den to watch tv ... her brother and his friends were there as well.

were laughing and watching the movie when all of a sudden the dog comes running in and wanting to play with her new found toy....Yep you got it



MY Thong she got into my bag and grabbed my thong and the guys had to wrestle her down to get them back...Needless to say I didnt visit my friend for very long time and she never fails to bring it up..

Do Not sleep
22:59 Mar 30 2010
Times Read: 593






my embarrassing moment came this summer when I was watching my Grand children ...

they were playing in their backyard and I was laying down on a lounger

catching the "rays" and fell into a real deep sleep



When I woke up, my Grand Children told me how cute I looked and how they loved my

makeup.



I took them to meet Their MOM in the mall.



When Their mom saw me .she broke into hysterical laughter and Said..

"Bella ..have you looked in a mirror......" I said no..and ran to the

bathroom



To my shock , there was my face ...with designs drawn all over my face...

including a mustache, beard...big red circles on my cheeks...



My Grandchildren had decorated my face .. as I slept ...with bath crayons..

and I had been walking around the mall ....with a marked up face..



I could have died.

Why think on some of these
03:05 Mar 29 2010
Times Read: 609

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,

and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,

you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

If all is not lost, where is it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat

and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

You know how most packages say "Open here".

What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,

why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,

what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why do they put Braille dotson the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,

but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

How did a fool and his money get together?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist

but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest,

why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

What's another word for synonym?

So what's the speed of dark?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding,

what is it expanding into?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior

when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is it that in the US:

If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi,

terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"

Blocked view
02:37 Mar 29 2010
Times Read: 610

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns to get them to move.



The first guy said loudly, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, ONLY 100 NUNS LIVE THERE."



The second guy bellowed, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, ONLY 5O NUNS LIVE THERE."



The third guy said, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, ONLY 25 NUNS LIVE THERE."



One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to hell...there aren't any nuns there."

To shave or not to shave
23:16 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 629

Heather Corinna replies:

Let's get the health issues out of the way first, since there really aren't any big ones.



The only important or potentially big health risk shaving may pose is if you shave, then have genital sex of any kind with a partner very soon afterwards. That's because the small nicks, scrapes and minor abrasions that can happen with shaving can create additional possible sites for sexually transmitted infections to be transmitted or acquired. However, that's something easily taken care of for those who do shave by simply shaving the day or two before any kind of sex, not right before.



From everything I know, that's the only serious issue when it comes to your physical health that shaving presents. Having hair there can help keep things cooler, so (I know of no actual studies on this) you may be somewhat more inclined to infections without it. Pubic hair also may help keep some bacteria out of the vagina or urinary opening but at the same time, the outer and inner labia do that as well, so it's not like you're left with zero protection if you don't have any pubic hair, or trim it shorter.



Women tend to report different experiences of sex with or without pubic hair. Some women feel that their pubic hair provides a nice, comfy cushion for certain sexual activities, that it's part of their gender identity, and that feeling the movement of that hair adds some sensitivity. Other women report that taking that hair away increases their sensitivity, that not having hair is part of their gender identity, and feel less or no hair gives a partner more access to the whole of their vulvas. Historically and culturally, if you want a momentary geekout, there have been some superstitions around removing body hair because of the idea that our own pheremones and body scent are part of our sexual chemistry and appeal, and our body hair holds and transmits those things.



There's also the day-to-day practical stuff to deal with. Some women who feel like having the hair removed feels good still choose not to, or choose to only do so rarely because there's always the ingrown hairs and growback to deal with, which can feel mighty prickly, itchy and not-so-awesome, as well as the upkeep. Some women just have too much on their plate already to add one more grooming ritual to their daily routines, or feel like any benefits it might or can offer them aren't worth the time and money they have to invest to shave, wax or otherwise deal with something that's totally fine as-is. Of course, we don't all have the same amount of pubic hair, so for those with a thicker patch of pubic hair, a trim or removal is earnestly helpful when it comes to ease of access for partners during activities like oral sex. At the same time, since partners also don't often tend to have their hands tied behind their backs when providing oral sex, it's not like a partner can't use their fingers to move any hair out of the way if need be.



But this isn't just about your physical health, the physicality of sex or practical issues. It's also about your own identity, how you feel best when it comes to your own body, how you choose to present for yourself and others, as well as about the interpersonal dynamics of a given sexual relationship.



The big question is this: what do YOU want to do, for yourself? What would you want to do if a partner you were with had instead said -- as I feel is the more respectful thing to say when we're dealing with a body that isn't ours -- "Whatever you want to do with your body hair is your call. It's not my body to make choices about or demands of. I'm going to be excited about your body and the way you choose to present yourself no matter what, because it's you, it's how you express yourself, and I'm into you just as you are and as you choose to be based on your own preferences."



If your boyfriend was saying something like that, and giving you that kind of freedom of choice, what would you prefer to do for yourself? Whatever the answer is, in my book that's the right answer about what to do, just like it would be when it comes to how you style your hair (or if you style your hair), if you get tattooed, or whether or not you wear the purple shoes or the black ones on Friday.



I also like to posit to women in this situation -- because it almost always is women in this spot -- to give some thought to how your boyfriend might react if the shoe were on the other foot (or the razor on the other pubes, as it were).



While I've never had a partner of any gender ask me to do anything specific for them with my pubic hair, if I had, I probably would have asked them "What if I asked the same of you?" Or maybe even said, "Okay, let's both do it then! Lather up!" Fairness matters to me, as does being in sexual relationships where nothing is expected of one partner that couldn't be expected of the other. I personally am just not down with double standards in my relationships and don't find them to be a recipe for the kinds of relationships I want to be having.



I think it can be good to talk in some depth with a partner who has put this kind of thing out there, no matter what you choose to do. The why of his request doesn't strike me as inconsequential, and the why of that request may give you more information about the whole of your relationship and inform your sexual choices overall. It seems to me what there are some good answers to the question as well as some that aren't so good, and a few that may make you prefer to show a partner to the door, rather than to your clitoris.



Someone saying, for example, that they would prefer that because they want to see as much of you as possible, and have their mouth on as much of you as possible for your enjoyment and theirs is a pretty righteous answer (doesn't mean you have to choose to do it, but it's a really good answer -- that said, guys reading, don't use this one if you don't mean it). A partner saying they're worried they won't be able to find your clitoris otherwise also is in the good-zone, even though you could probably remedy that confusion with or without pubic hair. Someone saying they think a vulva isn't clean that has pubic hair is expressing an ignorance that you can easily educate them out of.



But what about a partner who expresses they feel like the hair you BOTH have around your genitals is icky only when women have it? Or who says that they just don't LIKE pubic hair on women (which is kind of like saying you don't like noses, the peach fuzz we all have on our cheeks or that you don't like men having hair on their bottoms)? Or who seems to express that they think women owe something like that to men, or that it's what they see in porn, so it's what women should choose to do? Not such great answers, to say the least.



The point is that some motivations for wanting you to shave may be things you want to know even if you DO shave and want to for yourself, because they might influence your choice to be sexual with someone, or to be sexual with them just yet. A partner who is simply freaked out by women's adult bodies as they are probably is not someone with the maturity you really want and need in a sexual partner, and might not be someone who is going to help keep your overall body image positive. A partner who wants the sex they have to look or seem like what they see in pornography may not have realistic expectations for real-people sex which could impact your sex life with them in a bunch of ways you may not like or want. If you felt worried a partner wanted you to shave for some crappy reasons, discovering what they really wanted was to be able to get the best eyeful of you they could to be most likely to have things feel great for you is going to make you feel a whole lot better, no matter what you choose to do.



It should be said, while I personally don't think any of this should have much to do with what sexual partners think, that people have a wide array of personal preferences or what they like most if they're thinking about pubic hair in the abstract. Some love a lack of hair or less hair, while others think pubic hair is the stuff of fluffy awesome and would prefer it be there. But for most people who are partnered with people they love, really like, or are at least seriously into, what they usually prefer is just that that partner looks exactly the way they -- the partner, not them -- likes to.



While I know that's a lot to think about, and probably more to think about when it comes to your pubic hair than you anticipated, I also want to remind you that it is just hair and that hair grows back.







Shaving our never regions has never been so trendy and easy to do. Almost every beauty salon is ready to lift that hair giving you the cleanest possible anatomy.



According to some experts “40 percent of the female population in New York between the ages of 20 and 30 has a Brazilian wax.” There’s no doubt about it that it is certainly more attractive (to most men) as it is more hygienic and sexually appealing.





If you are planning the next steps with a date then you may want to consider some of these ideas….



Brazilian

This wax traditionally leaves a small rectangle of hair, or ‘landing strip’, behind, though the latest trend is for a neat triangle instead. The Brazilian usually includes the waxing of the sensitive labia as well as between the buttocks, which is why it can feel a little more painful than a traditional bikini wax, though many people claim the pain isn’t much different. It is, of course, especially popular before we jet off on holiday, as it gives the impression of nothing there, even in the smallest of bikini bottoms.



Hollywood

You can trust those Hollywood gals to take it one step further. This is an everything-off wax, leaving you totally bare down there. For the very brave only.



Check out this online personal stylist service for more style advice.



Playboy

Somewhere between the the Brazilian and the Hollywood… not quite bare, but not far off, with only a very narrow strip being left at the front.



Something for the weekend

Get creative… what you got to lose. You’d be astonished just how much you lower region comes into conversations with lads. Do something different and get remembered – A butterfly could be very sexual… and a great talking point.





When it comes to the lads having a trim… I’d be interested to get more female points of view please. A trim feels good, especially in summer. It’s more hygienic certainly, and feels nicer.



Not sure about full waxes downstairs for fellas, but if it tickles your fancy you may want to go to a salon and ask for a…



Back, Sack & Crack - The removal of hair from the back, nutsack and between the ass cheeks to achieve a more groomed and streamlined look. Usually done by waxing at a salon, or by various do-it-yourself means in the home setting.



‘Jason has been begging his girl to toss his salad, but she says she won’t get near it til he gets a Back, Sack and Crack’.



So to sum up, give it a go… what you got to lose. If it’s good enough for 40% of New Yorkans, then it’s ok for you!



Have you got a hillarious story to tell about a date that went terribly wrong?

The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World
20:52 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 641

The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World

By Tim Cameron



Humans are like goats. We'll eat any damned thing. Just ask the people who make PowerBars.



In fact, you'll find foods in this world that don't even seem possible. Not just that they could exist, but that people would actually stick this stuff in their mouths without a gun to their head.



We've found six dishes that seemed to have sprung from Satan's own cookbook.



#6.

Escamoles





From:

Mexico.



What the hell is it?

Escamoles are the eggs of the giant black Liometopum ant, which makes its home in the root systems of maguey and agave plants. Collecting the eggs is a uniquely unpleasant job, since the ants are highly venomous and have some kind of blood grudge against human orifices.



The eggs have the consistency of cottage cheese. The most popular way to eat them is in a taco with guacamole, while being fucking insane.



Wait, it gets worse ...

Escamoles have a surprisingly pleasant taste: buttery and slightly nutty. This hugely increases the chances that, while in Mexico, you could eat them without realizing you are eating a taco full of fucking ant eggs.



Danger of this turning up in America:

We're not sure Taco Bell hasn't snuck this shit into their food already. Just make sure you know what' in that burrito. Ask at the counter if you have to. Also, watch those ads close because they'll try to dress it up in some kind of friendly-sounding, pseudo-Mexican name.







#5.

Casu Marzu





From:

Sardinia, Italy.



What the hell is it?

This, dear reader, is a medium-sized lump of Sweet Fucking Christ. Casu Marzu is a sheep' milk cheese that has been deliberately infested by a Piophila casei, the "cheese fly." The result is a maggot-ridden, weeping stink bomb in an advanced state of decomposition.



Its translucent larvae are able to jump about 6 inches into the air, making this the only cheese that requires eye protection while eating. The taste is strong enough to burn the tongue, and the larvae themselves pass through the stomach undigested, sometimes surviving long enough to breed in the intestine, where they attempt to bore through the walls, causing vomiting and bloody diarrhea.



Wait, it gets worse ...

This cheese is a delicacy in Sardinia, where it is illegal. That' right. It is illegal in the only place where people actually want to eat it. If this does not communicate a very clear message, perhaps the larvae will, as they leap desperately toward your face in an effort to escape the putrescent horror of the only home they have ever known. Even the cheese itself is ashamed; when prodded, it weeps an odorous liquid called lagrima, Sardinian for "tears."



Danger of this turning up in America:

There is significant danger here, as we're thinking the cheese companies have a lot of maggot stock in the back of their warehouse they'd like to get rid of. And, there may actually be a market for it. Self-loathing is a powerful force in this economy (see the diet section of your local supermarket) and there' times you get low enough that, damn it, you feel like you deserve nothing better than infested cheese.







#4.

Lutefisk





From:

Norway.



What the hell is it?

Ahhh, Lutefisk. After the larvae-ridden cheese, it's a blessed relief to sample a clean, down-to-earth Scandinavian recipe.



A little too clean.



Lutefisk is a traditional Norwegian dish featuring cod that has been steeped for many days in a solution of lye, until its flesh is caustic enough to dissolve silver cutlery.



Wait, it gets worse ...

For those of you who don't know, lye (potassium hydroxide/sodium hydroxide) is a powerful industrial chemical used for cleaning drains, killing plants, de-budding cow horns, powering batteries and manufacturing biodiesel. Contact with lye can cause chemical burns, permanent scarring, blindness or total deliciousness, depending on whether you pour it onto a herring or your own face. Or, so the lutefisk industry would have us believe.



Danger of this turning up in America:

IT'S ALREADY HERE! Shit!



It' true, lutefisk is more popular in the United States than in Norway. What the hell are they doing with it? They're not eating it are they? Is it because it' a cheap alternative to colonic irrigation? Seriously, how do you advertise this stuff?







#3.

Baby Mice Wine





From:

Korea.



What the hell is it?

What better to wash down your gelatinous lumps of lye fish than a nice chilled cup of dead mice? What better indeed.



Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean "health tonic," which apparently tastes like raw gasoline. Little mice, eyes still closed, are plucked from the embrace of their loving mothers and stuffed (while still alive) into a bottle of rice wine. They are left to ferment while their parents wring their tiny mouse paws in despair, tears drooping sadly from the tips of their whiskers.



Wait, it gets worse ...

Do you wince at the thought of swallowing a tequila worm? Imagine how you'd feel during a session on this bastard. Whoops, I swallowed a dead mouse! Whoops, there goes another one! Whoops, I just puked my entire body out of my nose!



Danger of this turning up in America:

Who are you going to find in America that' OK with drinking dead fetus juice as a way to improve their own health? OK, other than lawyers.







#2.

Pacha





From:

Iraq.



What the hell is it?

Of all the dishes, this is the one most likely to be mistaken for a threatening message from the mob. It' a sheep' head. Boiled.



Wait, it gets worse ...

Pacha only reveals its terror gradually. Sure, maybe you can get around the fact that you're eating face. But, the more you eat it, the more bone is revealed, until you give a final burp and set your cutlery down beside a grinning ivory skull. Its hollow eye sockets stare back at you with a look of grim damnation. "Burp while ye may," the sockets say, "for the same fate will happen to you--and all too soon."



We wonder why the Iraqis keep blowing themselves up? Wouldn't you, if every evening meal was a festival of death?



Danger of this turning up in America:

Not looking like that, it won't. But, you tell people that sheep head contains some kind of enzyme that boosts your metabolism and ...







#1.

Balut





From:

The Philippines



What the hell is it?

Behold, for our journey of horror reaches its destination. Balut are duck eggs that have been incubated until the fetus is all feathery and beaky, and then boiled alive. The bones give the eggs a uniquely crunchy texture.



They are enjoyed in Cambodia, Philippines and the fifth and seventh levels of hell. They are typically sold by street vendors at night, out of buckets of warm sand. You can spot the vendors because of their glowing red eyes, and the faint, otherworldly sound of children screaming.

Wait, it gets worse ...

... Because you're never going to look at an egg the same way. Tell yourself that every time you crack open an egg from now on you won't be half expecting a leathery wad of bird to come flopping out into the skillet.



Yes, balut is upsetting on about a half-dozen levels. Sure, all meat eaters know on some level that the delicious chop on your plate used to belong to something cute and fluffy, which gambolled in the sun during the brief spring of its life. Most of the time, it' perfectly possible not to give a shit. But, when you're biting into something that hasn't even had a chance to see its mother' face ... well, it' different.



Danger of this turning up in America:

Actually, marketed properly, these eggs could be a damn good motivator. When you've looked death in the face at breakfast time, what the hell else can the day throw at you?

Alligator
16:37 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 644






A young blonde was on

vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the

worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.



After becoming very

frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde

shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of

shoes at a reasonable price!"



The shopkeeper said,

"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an

alligator.



Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.





Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward

her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the

swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Mistaken Snake
16:25 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 646








It was about 15 years ago and it was my first day on the job as a veterinary receptionist. I was to meet my new boss and his wife at their home.



As I made a right turn into their driveway, I felt a garter snake wrap itself around my ankle. I am terrified of snakes so I immediately started to panic. I was thrashing my arms and legs trying to get the snake off my leg and in the process, I drove RIGHT THROUGH the side of their house!



People started to scream, including me and I sat there stunned. My boss made his way to the side of my car (no one got hurt) and I frantically was trying to explain how a snake around my ankle had caused all of this, only to look down and realize that it was my purse strap.







Needless to say, it was also my last day on the job.

Bear Hunting
03:09 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 656

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.



A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass."



The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.



He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."



Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

Dig
03:07 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 657

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: "Dig!"



He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations", he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I said, dig!"



So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: "Open!"



Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: "To the casino!"



Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: "Roulette!"



So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: "27!"



He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: "Shit!"

Three Kinds
03:04 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 658

Three Kinds





A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'



The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.



'Onions?'



'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'



This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.



The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'



'A Christmas tree?'



'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Embarrassment
23:43 Mar 26 2010
Times Read: 667

This happened when I was about 16 or 17 years old, so it was nearly devestating to me then, but I laugh til I cry when I look back.



One of my friends and I went to the local public swimming pool, as we had done every Saturday of our summer vacation so far. This place has a water slide, and my best friend and I decided to go for a quick ride down it.



So, we climbed the stairs, got to the top, and went down the slide. After going under and resurfacing, my best friend suggested we do it again.



As we made our second climb up the stairs, I had the uncanny feeling that I was being stared at.

Click here to email this Embarrassing Story to your friends!



The higher it got, the more I had the feeling, so I looked for where it was coming from, to see a totally gorgeous guy staring in my direction. I nudged my friend and giggled, to which she replied...



"Umm, ur swimsuit top is -eh- falling." I looked down, yanked my suit over my exposed boob, and ran down the stairs.



It was the last time we went to the swimming pool that summer.

Dating and the net
18:59 Mar 25 2010
Times Read: 680

Internet dating LOL a friend of mine wrote this and I wanted to share it i thought how cute...





I have an easy time meeting people in real life, but like the ability to expand my dating pool to people outside the fringes of my existing social network. I also like being being able to see how someone presents themselves to the world, given the opportunity, so I've tried some of the online dating websites, on and off. I thought it would be interesting to share some of what I've learned with some of my friends, and get their feedback, because some of you have doubtlessly have tried it, too.



I've been on some great dates with women I've met online, otherwise I'd be trying something else. But, sorry voyeurs, I'm not going to write about those. ;) I've also some friends through the dating process, and some interesting occasional acquaintances, and overall it's been very positive for me.



Of course, there are a few exceptions...



I'm not really sure about the etiquette of a few different situations I've run into. I've cataloged a few online personas I've encountered more than once... If you've used dating websites, I'm sure you've encountered a few people who fit these descriptions.



* The Perma-Penpal: Great, funny emails back and forth, but even after a month or two, any occasional suggestion I make about either calling or making plans to meet is ignored in their long and well written response. If you don't feel comfortable yet to meet, say so. I just find it weird to want to penpal, but not meet - and if you're so timid that you don't converse with people you meet randomly every day anyway, then you're probably too timid for me.



* The Disappearing Act: Some great emails back and forth, then the person comes back a couple weeks or more later and acts like nothing happened. It's equally weird whether they have or have not logged in during the interim.



* The One Sentence Responder: I've sent an email, and you responded. Great! Only, I wrote a paragraph or two, and she made a short response, perhaps one sentence. I guess it answers my initial email, but doesn't really give me much to go one. I usually see it as a sign of either a polite brush-off or a boring person, so I tend to just not respond at all to one-sentence responses. If you want me to write back, a little effort demonstrates a lot.



* The Internet Stalker: Visits my profile repeatedly. Never writes an email to me, never responds to a hello, profile visitor email I send. Yet continues to visit on a regular basis. Kind of weird.



* The One-Date Wonder: I went on one, or maybe a few dates with you, but it didn't work out, and we don't talk anymore. Yet, you turned into an odd variation of the Internet Stalker. Please stop. You're creeping me out.



* The Repeat Emailer: If I didn't respond to your first badly spelled email, I'm not going to respond to 7 more asking why I have not written back, either.



Hope you enjoyed this :) It was fun to write. Thoughts appreciated!

Love what is it?
18:45 Mar 24 2010
Times Read: 684








What is love? It is one of the most difficult questions for the mankind. Centuries have passed by, relationships have bloomed and so has love. But no one can give the proper definition of love. To some Love is friendship set on fire for others Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it. No matter how you define it or feel it, love is the eternal truth in the history of mankind.



Love is patient, love is kind. It has no envy, nor it boasts itself and it is never proud. It rejoices over the evil and is the truth seeker. Love protects; preserves and hopes for the positive aspect of life. Always stand steadfast in love, not fall into it. It is like the dream of your matter of affection coming true. Love can occur between two or more individuals. It bonds them and connects them in a unified link of trust, intimacy and interdependence. It enhances the relationship and comforts the soul. Love should be experienced and not just felt. The depth of love can not be measured. Look at the relationship between a mother and a child. The mother loves the child unconditionally and it can not be measured at all. A different dimension can be attained between any relationships with the magic of love. Love can be created. You just need to focus on the goodness of the other person. If this can be done easily, then you can also love easily. And remember we all have some positive aspect in us, no matter how bad our deeds maybe. And as God said �Love all�



Depending on context, love can be of different varieties. Romantic love is a deep, intense and unending. It shared on a very intimate and interpersonal and sexual relationship. The term Platonic love, familial love and religious love are also matter of great affection. It is more of desire, preference and feelings. The meaning of love will change with each different relationship and depends more on its concept of depth, versatility, and complexity. But at times the very existence of love is questioned. Some say it is false and meaningless. It says that it never exist, because there has been many instances of hatred and brutality in relationships. The history of our world has witnessed many such events. There has been hatred between brothers, parents and children, sibling rivalry and spouses have failed each other. Friends have betrayed each other; the son has killed his parents for the throne, the count is endless. Even the modern generation is also facing with such dilemmas everyday. But �love� is not responsible for that. It is us, the people, who have forgotten the meaning of love and have undertaken such gruesome apathy.



In the past the study of philosophy and religion has done many speculations on the phenomenon of love. But love has always ruled, in music, poetry, paintings, sculptor and literature. Psychology has also done lot of dissection to the essence of love, just like what biology, anthropology and neuroscience has also done to it.



Psychology portrays love as a cognitive phenomenon with a social cause. It is said to have three components in the book of psychology: Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion. Also, in an ancient proverb love is defined as a high form of tolerance. And this view has been accepted and advocated by both philosophers and scholars. Love also includes compatibility. But it is more of journey to the unknown when the concept of compatibility comes into picture. Maybe the person whom we see in front of us, may be least compatible than the person who is miles away. We might talk to each other and portray that we love each other, but practically we do not end up into any relationship. Also in compatibility, the key is to think about the long term successful relationship, not a short journey. We need to understand each other and must always remember that no body is perfect.



Be together, share your joy and sorrow, understand each other, provide space to each other, but always be there for each others need. And surely love will blossom to strengthen your relationship with your matter of affection.



Basically “LOVE” is a unique feeling that can’t be defined if we really live it. On the contrary it can be defined with all its technicalities for all other purposes. To be very straight and simple, “Love” can be defined as the behavioral approach between two persons that involves affection, emotion and sentiments.

Here we have tried to define love through several definitions.

Love is a feeling of strong connection and attachment those are persuaded by extreme delight and admiration; dedication and devotion to each other along with affection and tenderness.

Love is not a necessity, but it is life's greatest gift and luxury. It is to care, to be kind and patient. It is considered as perfect love when a person doesn't expect anything else but love.

Love knows when to put pride to the side, because the greatest thing one can be proud of is the love that is shared.

Love is or should be unconditional. And thus is giving and selfless, it is a celebration of what is right and what is true

For the unperfected will pass upon, the coming of that which is perfect, as perfect love never ends.

Love is undying devotion.

Love is the desire to be intimate both physically and emotionally.

Love endures all, hopes all, and bears all. It is believing, sharing and dreaming.

Love is a feeling of completeness, forgiving, understanding and inspiring.

Love is the attainment of life's greatest inspiration. It is supporting, but not overbearing.

Love is a complete expression of oneself or the other. it is being open to each other's expression

Love can be strong, yet so fragile.

There are those out there who have not been lucky enough to find it, some never will. In addition, what one would call true love...love in its best, purest, truest sense is even rarer and harder to find.

The dream of finding and marrying for true love exists and concludes by everything falling into place.

Boobs
21:52 Mar 17 2010
Times Read: 712






For years and years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests.



So I heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And I always wore my bra.



After 30 years of astute care,

My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,

Said I should get a Mammogram,

"O.K.," I said, "let's do it."



"Stand up here real close" she said,

(She got my boob in line),

"And tell me when it hurts," she said,

"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."



She stepped upon a pedal.

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate came slamming down,

My hooter's in a vise!



My skin was stretched and mangled,

From underneath my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish Pancake thin.



Excruciating pain I felt,

Within it's vise-like grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!



"Take a deep breath" she said to me,

Who does she think she's kidding?!?

My chest is mashed in her machine

And woozy I am getting.



"There, that's good," I heard her say,

(The room was slowly swaying.)

"Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Have mercy, I was praying.



It squeezed me from both up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides.

I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,

To HER tender little hide.



Next time that they make me do this,

I will request a blindfold,

I have no wish to see again,

My knockers getting steamrolled.



If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have gone "ker-pow"!



This machine was created by a man,

Of this, I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there,

And see how THEY come out.

Exercise and Ecstasy
02:38 Mar 17 2010
Times Read: 723

The tongue is a masterful lover’s greatest tool…well, perhaps their next greatest tool. The texture and movement are but a couple of reasons the human tongue becomes a powerfully useful tool to a married couples intimate experiences.

It is not the degree of wildness that makes a dynamic love-life as much as it is the thoughtfulness and effort made by each spouse to deliver a great experience each time lovemaking occurs. It is what we do with the ordinary that makes it extraordinary.

During oral sex, the manner in which the tongue moves makes a difference in terms of how the receiver experiences it. Using the tip of the tongue provides a more rigid, perhaps darting, experience…more teasing. Curling a tongue is a technique employed to create a sensation of suction. A dry tongue on your spouse’s erogenous place will feel differently than a wet tongue. While these points may seem obvious, using this knowledge during a sexual experience can deliver a sense of variation to an otherwise ordinary act.

While kissing, your tongue maybe used to probe the roof of your spouse’s mouth, lick their lips, flicker the tip of your tongue wildly against the tip of their tongue, or explore all of the parts of their tongue.

Whether you are kissing one another or providing some other orally related pleasure(s), be assured that how you use your tongue bridges the gap between exercise and ecstasy!

A crazy thing
08:04 Mar 15 2010
Times Read: 727

I'm like a baseball player in a hitting slump. At first, I was calm about it. Waiting for the right pitch. Got to 2nd base a few times. But no home runs. Then I start pressing.



Now I'm swinging at EVERYTHING. Girls who are over my head. Girls who are out of the strike zone. And yes, I admit it, I'm even swinging at girls in the dirt.



Normally, I trot down the base path... now I'm running top speed! I'm ready to slide in head first!



So I'm at the bar, having a few Jack & Cokes, talking to this girl. That's when I hear a strange sound.



It was a garbled kind of growl.



The sound was coming from inside my pants!



There it is again!



It's coming from inside my wallet!



It was my condom! My condom was talking to me.



MY CONDOM: Hey buddy! I'm dying here!

ME: Huh? What? How do you know?

MY CONDOM: Because I went to the doctor... No, you idiot! It says it on my packaging. I'm expiring! If you don't get some action soon, I'm going to buy you a high-class hooker!

ME: What? You can't buy anything! You're a condom!

MY CONDOM: I memorized your credit card.

ME: How did you do that?

MY CONDOM: I've been in your wallet so long, the numbers are imprinted on my face!



Damn you! Damn you, you sassy prophylactic!



So now my mission is to get laid before my condom expires.



*** MY DILEMMA ***



I actually have a girl who is interested in me. And I think we might like, do-it, and stuff.



Here's my quizzical coochie quandary:



If I get her into bed... do I use my generic about-to-expire condoms... or do I use my special ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms which don't expire until early next century?



NOTE TO GUYS: Girls will know you are pathetic and haven't had sex in a while if, when you reach for your rubbers, you first have to blow the dust off your 3 pack of condoms.



NOTE TO SELF: Remember to dust my condoms.



Hmm... I really like this girl. I think she deserves the ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms... but then again, I'm broke and bootleg and I don't want to waste condoms that I've already paid for.



If it was a one-night-stand thing, no question, I use the almost-expired jammy-jackets. But now I really have to think.



This is as romantic as I get. "Baby, for you, I'm using special protection that costs more than 75 cents. Because you're worth it."



I know what I'm going to do!



At first, I will use one of my generic condoms. Then I will make a pitching change! I'll call in the relief condom! The new texture will be like a hard throwing lefty coming into the game out of the bullpen! Okay baby, here comes the high hard one!

10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men
09:45 Mar 12 2010
Times Read: 749

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them, and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.



2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.



3. Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life -- not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.



4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement, and support.



5. Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.



6. Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider, and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!



7. Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.



8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?



9. Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.



10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

10 Things Women Wish Men Knew
09:42 Mar 12 2010
Times Read: 750

1) Listen up! I can’t stress enough how important this is. Women often talk about, yes, our “feelings.” This doesn’t mean we’ll break down in hysterics all the time (in fact probably never). It simply means that we like to vent and rant about problems we have and people we hate, etc. Just listen carefully, agree and sympathize with us in the right places, and it least TRY to look like you care. We don’t expect you to solve our problems, which is a typically male-oriented way of thinking. Just talking about our problems us makes us feel better, even if we’re not about to solve them anytime soon. Listen and be supportive, that’s all we ask.



2) Listen harder! Try to pick up on what we’re not saying. For example, if we look sad and you ask “What’s the matter?” we may say “I’m fine” when we’re anything but. No, this isn’t some evil jedi mind trick to toy with you, it’s a defence mechanism. There are many reasons for the “I’m fine” response. We may think our problem is stupid and you’ll laugh at us if we tell you, or maybe we’re trying to be strong and not look like a total mushball in front of you. People always think it’s guys who try not to cry, but girls do the same thing. It’s considered a sign of weakness, and we may feel insecure about it. That’s why you need to persist and reassure us we can tell you anything, then ask again. If you promise to support her she’ll tell you what’s wrong.



3) Don’t try to be a “playa”: Most women hate men who try far too hard to look “cool” or try to pick up as many women as they possibly can. To you it may be a fun ego boost, but to us it’s annoying and disappointing. We don’t want a “playa,” we want a solid and dependable man (with just a hint of mystery) who is faithful and will stick with us no matter what, not hit on anything in a skirt. We prefer to be respected rather than be hit on relentlessly, but of course, don’t treat us like your mother!



4) Nice guys don’t finish last: Sure, every woman likes a smoking hot “bad-boy,” but we secretly hope that underneath that is a safe and dependable guy we can “fix” to be the perfect lover. This means that although we may be immediately attracted by a dangerous or mysterious vibe, we only tend to stick around if we feel there’s potential for an actual commitment there. Every girl likes a nice, respectful guy who’s sweet and will pay for her dinner, pull out her chair or open doors for her. Just don’t lay on the sweetness to much or too soon, or you’ll look like a love-sick puppy, which is never attractive.



5) Money (hardly ever) changes everything: We may expect for you to pay for our dinner or movie ticket on the first date and perhaps after that, but we don’t expect you to fork over loads of cash and face bankruptcy just to take us out on a date. We don’t expect luxury sports cars, diamond rings or gourmet dinners. We are people too who have to work for our money, and we know you’re not made of cash. So don’t feel pressured to spend loads of cash on us. Most women are modern thinkers who don’t mind splitting the cheque or paying for their own dinner if you’re strapped for cash. The point? You don’t have to be loaded to impress us.



6) You don’t have to have buns of steel: Guys always think they need to be ripped to the max with biceps as large as their head to get the girl, when that just isn’t true. Sure, we like some muscle and definition, but you don’t have to live in the gym. We don’t expect you to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, just be healthy. You know, we’re talking about the basics here: eat right, exercise regularly, get enough sleep. Be healthy and active, but don’t aim to look like a body builder. It’s not realistic and we don’t expect it anyways.



7) You don’t have to be a giant: Sure, most girls like it when a guy is as tall as they are, perhaps taller. But that doesn’t mean you have to be six feet tall! Most girls are perfectly fine and plenty attracted to guys of average height. And don’t worry if you’re short; to shorter girls you’ll seem tall! And if a guy is genuinely nice, cute, and sweet, we’ll overlook the height difference 99% of the time. The bottom line is your personality is way more important than your height!



8) Screw the 3-day rule: The consensus generally is you must wait three days after the first date to call so as not to appear desperate. This is a stupid, petty rule that has no foundation to support itself. Granted, you probably shouldn’t call an hour after the date after the person just gotten home, but you certainly don’t have to wait three days! Calling the next day is perfectly fine, if you got the impression during the date that she was into you and there was some real chemistry there. Chances are, if she agreed to go on a date with you she’ll want to kiss you, hug you, hold hands, and generally hear from you again. There’s nothing desperate about calling the next day. If you wait 3 days you end up wrestling with yourself over whether or not you should call, and we doubt if you were genuinely interested. If you want to call someone, just do it!



9) As much as we may deny it, we like: Chocolate, flowers, cards, gifts, sappy poetry, sappy romance movies, cuddling and stuffed animals. In every girl, no matter how tough, lies a soft spot for these hopelessly romantic things. Pull one out every now and then, but only on special occasions. READ: after a big fight.



10) Don’t lie. EVER. Nothing is more unappealing or hurtful than a guy who lies. It makes us feel like you don’t respect or care for us enough to tell us the truth. No matter how bad the truth might hurt us, we still want to hear it. We don’t want to be ignorant and live in bliss, we want to know that you can come to us and be honest when things turn sour. Trust, honesty, and respect are key in any successful relationship, and without those elements, it doesn’t matter how hot you are, we WILL leave.

men and Private Matters
22:01 Mar 10 2010
Times Read: 762

Men love their penises. From the time he is born, a man's penis becomes his best friend . He will love it, fondle it, get mad at it(especially when it stops working), respect it, listen to its opinion, and get in trouble for it.



Men are obsessed with their penises, even if they don't realize it. Most men live in constant fear that their manhood is not big enough. What they don't realize is that a recent study, involving 800 men of all shapes, races, and sizes, concluded that the average penis size is 5.5 inches .



So that's the size of an average penis. What's that sound? It's men all over the world breathing a sigh of relief. Now that this revelation has surfaced, let's get down to business.

IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT

How many times were you made fun of because your penis looked "shrunk"? Were you one of those guys who wouldn't shower after gym class because of embarrassment? You don't have to worry. Women don't care.



Who says size counts? A few months ago I was speaking with a friend who told me about one of her encounters with this wonderful lover. She described what they did in detail, and all this time I was wondering how big is this horse that my friend is sexing? Well guess what? He wasn't hung like a horse. As a matter of fact, he was more like a pony. This guy may not have had a big penis, but he certainly knew how to use his magic wand to please her and make her want him.



Women who feel that they aren't pretty or sexy enough because they have small breasts are like men who think that having big penises make them more manly and better lovers. The truth is that these men lack self-esteem and their self-worth is placed into their penises. Sure any woman would like to have a big thick bar to play with and suck on. It's like guys who are obsessed with big breasts.



Women simply don't care about size. There will be the odd ones who say it is very important, but they are usually the ones who love aggressive sex. For women, penises are marvelous toys, and no matter what they look like, they will excite women. Women do talk about their men's penises...often. But most of the time, the focus isn't on size; we focus more on what you did with it. In all honestly, we will spend more time talking about whether you wash yourself and smell good, rather than what it looks like.

How to Stay Young
23:24 Mar 09 2010
Times Read: 763

How to Stay Young



Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them!'

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.' An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

Enjoy the simple things.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

George Carlin's Dirty Words List: Penis
23:20 Mar 09 2010
Times Read: 765




Words for penis, compiled by George Carlin. My favorites in yellow.



aaron's rod

baby-maker

beef

blue vein meatroll

bald-headed butler

bald-headed mouse

belly buster

bathtub eel

bearded blood sausage

bird bone

baloney

banana

bat

bayonet

bean tosser

blade

broomstick

bum tickler

bush beater

cock

carrot

crack haunter

cranny hunter

cracksman

creamstick

culty gun

carnal stump

child-getter

dick

dork

dong

doniker

dingus

dipstick

dagger

dart of love

dearest member

dickey

ding-dong

dinger

dingle-dangle

dummy

dodaddy

dolly

dooflicker

down-leg

dragon

eel

family organ

fiddle bow

fish

fishing rod

flapper

fool-sticker

forefinger

foreman

gun

gut wrench

giggle stick

gadget

gardener

giggling pin

gooser (gooser? I barely know her!)

gravy maker

grinding tool

gristle

gut stick

hair splitter

hambone

hammer

hanging johnny

hoe

handle

holy poker

horn

hose

hot rod

heat-seeking moisture missle

hairy hot dog

jack in the box

jemson

jerking iron

jigger

jing hang

jockam

johnnie

johhny one-eye, the bald-headed champ

johnson

joy knob

joy stick

kidney cracker (gross but funny)

kielbasa

knob

knocker

ladies' lollipop

lamp of life

lance

life preserver

little brother

little willie

liver turner

live sausage

lizard

lob

lobcock

lobster of love

lollypop

long john

love dart

love gun

magic wand

man-root

marrow bone

master john thursday

master of ceremonies

meat

meat hook

meat whistle

member

merry maker

middle leg

milkman

mister goodwrench

mister tom

mouse

natural scythe

nimrod

noodle

noony

old blind rob

one-eyed night crawler in the turtle neck sweater

one-eyed milkman

one-eyed trouser trout

one-eyed wonder worm

pant muscle

pecker

pee-pee

peter

pike staff

pile driver

pin

pink

pencil

pipe

pisser

pistol

plugtail

pocket piccolo

pocket rocket

pointer

poker

pole

pork

pork sword

post

prick

pride and joy

prong

pud

pudding

pump handle

purple-helmeted warrior of love

pup

putz

quickening peg

quimstake

ram

ramrod

rawmeat

reamer

redcap

rod

rod of love

rolling pin

root rudder

rupert russell the wonder muscle

st. peter

salami

sausage

sceptre

schlong

sexing piece

shaft

shmock

short arm

shove devil

shvontz

silent flute

skin flute

snake

spigot

spindle

split-rump

spout

staff

steaming hot kanga

stump

sugar stick

tally-whacker

tassel

tent-peg

thing

third leg

throbber

throbbing python of love

tickle-gizzard

tickler

tong

tool

torch of cupid

toy

trap-stick

trouser snake

tube steak

uncle dick

vomiting cobra

wand

wang

wazoo

weapon

wedge

wheenie

wacker

whip

whistle

whore-pipe

wick

willie

winkle

wire

womb ferret

womb weasel

worm

yang

yard

yosh

zubrick

from me to you
01:37 Mar 01 2010
Times Read: 599

I had a heart it once was true, But now it's gone from me to you. Take care of it as i have done, Because now you have two and i have none...

Is it
01:29 Mar 01 2010
Times Read: 599

Is it love that make us sad and fills our hearts with sorrow? Or is it the lover you love that breaks your heart and makes you dread tomorrow?