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The life is not always what you want it to be. I want to tell little about my experiences with life. For 4 years ago I did realise I was stuck. I was depressed. I feeled as I always pushed people I liked away from me. Like I eated their energy etc. I went up every morning to my job and then home eat and do some reading. That was how my days looked like. All I did was to try get money nothing else. I cant deal with other people I seems to have some anti social disorder. I spended a lot of nights by crying over my own life. I had lived 8 years in the capitalcity without to meet any new people. So I decided to move. I got a new job in a small town out in nowhere with an population of 3000 people. I thought that could be what I needed. So I took my things and moved. I got an nice flat and everything. So I went to the bar ordered an drink and sat down. I guess I hoped someone else would try to contact me so I dident had to do an effort myself. But that did not happened. I guess I thought by change job and city I would be newborn and I could be happy. But that did not happened. It was the same as always just other walls then before. I went up every morning to the job then home do some reading and then bed. To live in a small town have it`s good and bad sides. People tend to care more about eashother. But the bad side is if you screw it up whole town know it very fast and you will hear it a very long time. I learned that the hard way and I once again finded myself spend many nights crying over my own situation. So I decided to quit the job and move back to my hometown again. Things started to be better and I kinda thought that I finnaly had finded my spot in life. But I falled kinda quick back in my old pattern. Walked to job then eat and sleep. Then I lost my job. It ended with I moved back to the capitalcity again. Life was the same as before worked eated and sleeped until I once again lost the job duo to the economic crisis in the world. Now im sitting alone in my home and do nothing. I do know I should go out and make an effort to meet people. If I don’t do that I will never find what this life can offer. I need do an effort to go out there and deal with my own fear and the pain im so afraid for. Pain is an part of the life , fear is an part of the life, struggle is an part of the life. And if I don’t make an effort to change myself so will things never change. If I don’t do the effort i will be trapped in my own dark corner as always. I have realised these things but I have very hard to deal with it. I still struggle with these things and I don’t know if I have maded any progress yet other then maybe recived better understanding. Im still depressed and I still seeking after myself. I use to look on myself in the mirror and say “who am I?” I guess I expect some answer but that will never come. Deep inside I do know everything is up to myself in the end. But to take the step can feel so very scary.

I lost my work a mounth ago and I actually feeled it to be an relief. When I realised that feeling I took my fishing stuff and went out on the lake as I often do. I thinked thru every year since I went out from the school and started to earn own money. All 14 to 15 years I have spended by milling etc etc in a cnc machine went thru my mind. All I feeled was a big nothing when I tried to see what it have actually gived me. All it have gived was money to pay my bills. But is that the only reason to work with it? Shouldn’t it also be a feeling it give something back to? Shouldn’t a work be atleast some fun and do so you is motivated to do it? I realised I have becomed very feed up with what I work with. And not only now it have been so over 6 years now. I told myself out on the lake “Fuck it Im finished with it”. It feeled so good to say that. It feeled as an big relief. I decided to do something else and start a brand new chapter in my life. I took contact with a company that hunt jobs for people and had a long chatt there. It ended up with I might gonna take driving licence for heavy trucks and that feels very interesting. Finnaly I feel I looking forward to something and that feel very good.

COMMENTS

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Isis101
00:09 Jul 27 2009

Good luck with the job search in a new profession! And it's good that you got to take some time off for fishing!

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