The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

16:22 Jan 27 2009
Times Read: 660

Bob, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and

heads for the docks once more, for old times sake...



He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room...



He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,

but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '



The prostitute replies, 'Well Bob, old sailor, you're doing

about three knots!'



'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'



She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your

money back!'

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
20:36 Jan 22 2009
Times Read: 669

I had to laugh at this.





Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,

fertile and naturally beautiful!



Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to

trade,

especially for someone with cash.



Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced

of

her own beauty.



Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm

and desirable place to visit.



Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all

conquering past.



Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, been through war and doesn't

make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.



Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to

meeting new people.



After 70, she becomes Tibet, wild! ly beau tiful, with a mysterious past and

the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a

thirst

for spiritual knowledge visit there.





THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN



Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran,

Ruled by Nuts.

Little Johnny
17:28 Jan 20 2009
Times Read: 675

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.



Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.



He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."



"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.



At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"



The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."



Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

No Speak English
16:26 Jan 13 2009
Times Read: 694

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman & they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband; the real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.



One day, she went to the butcher & wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request &, in desperation, clucked like a chicken & lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message & gave her the chicken legs.



Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it so she clucked like a chicken & unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again & gave her some chicken breasts.



On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)



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What were you

thinking?







Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!







I don't know about you

sometimes

The Knob
16:26 Jan 12 2009
Times Read: 699

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.



After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee

Speaking Ability while Drinking
20:04 Jan 08 2009
Times Read: 706








THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK :

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK :

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK :

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight ?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8 . Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom ? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road..

10. I must be going home now, as I have to