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Sometimes I get so angry about the way my mind works and how submissive I act towards people that I could kill myself.

Well, I found out why I've felt down, restless, bored, and alone the past few days. Not only am I about to start my period, Mercury moved into retrograde two days ago. Mercury retrograde is hell for me, and nothing seems to go right during this time. Thankfully it only lasts until August 15th, but that's still a while. For those of you who don't know, Mercury in retrograde causes a breakdown in communication, buisness, and travel. For me, it means nothing wants to be the way it should be for about a month. Oh well.

Well, let's see. Thurday I had another driving class, and a meeting at The Repository about the journalism camp. I was the only person there who wasn't a journalism teacher, as Jen didn't show. I don't know what's been up with her lately. Anyway, the meeting was three hours, and I found out that I will be doing a lot more that week than I had originally anticipated. Friday I went up to Kent to deal with all my college things. I got a look through the window at one of the rooms in my dorm. Yes, I will be living in a shoebox. I found out that they were using my scholarship check for this semester rather than splitting it up, so I only have to pay them about 400, and that's not due until September. So we saved a lot of money. Well, until I made the mistake of showing mom the bookstore. She bought them out of computer manuels and art supplies, and I got some new pencils, a sketchbook, and a few books. When we got back, mom wanted to get a replacement for one of our fish that had died. So we ended up coming back with 9 new fish for her, and a new little tank for Dmitri. Then this morning (Saturday) I had another driving class. Well, that's one week done. Only two more and 8 hours of in-car to go. I've been in an unusually good mood, despite the insomnia not going away yet. I started a large drawing with colored pencil, but I'm not that pleased with it right now. I think I work better just in shades of pencil rather than color. Anyway, the lonliness is getting worse. I feel cut off from everyone, and i just want to get up to Kent so I have people to talk to. I don't handle being alone very well. I don't know, I just miss having someone to hold and take care of.

Updated my profile with new information and images, got my second root canal today, and took my first in class driving lesson. Yes, I know I'm a little old to be starting to learn to drive, but it's the procrastinator in me.

My doctor's advice: Sleep less and exercise more. So I am now doomed to getting up at 7 everyday (during the rest of my summer break) and playing DDR for an hour the minute I get up. That's his cure for my insomnia, lack of appetite, constant tiredness, and shaking. I am so happy about this, I could scream.

All this college preparation shit is driving me crazy. Dorm stuff and books and schedules and trying to get a job. All this pressure is starting to get to me and I'm still weeks away from moving in. I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow, so maybe he can figure out why I've been in such a weird mood lately. I think what's really getting to be is the lack of a support system. My mom is home everyday, but locked in her room since she's working at home now and whenever I try to talk with her, she starts talking about work. I haven't seen my best friend since graduation, and the rest of my friends are busy with their own thing. I'm used to having people to talk to and see on a daily basis, and spending all day in my apartment is getting to me.

Ok, temporary flip out over. Today has been going a lot better than yesterday. I actually got some sleep, and am trying to get things organized for next week. Between a doctor's appointment, another root canal, a journalism camp planning meeting, a visit to college to endorse a check and get some things settled, and 9 hours of driving classes just this week, I've got a lot to handle. I also got Dmitri's bowl cleaned out today, and now I have one very happy little fish. He's so cute. It's nice to have someone who's always happy to see me (even if it's just because I feed him) and who I can spoil and take care of.

Well, I just put aside my pride and emailed my uncle to ask for more money out of my mutual fund. It was either that or continue to depend on my mother to pay the tiny bit of tuition I owe the school. I'm tired of being yelled at for not getting enough scholarships, and now my cell phone is getting turned off because the bill is late. Excuse me if I came 900 dollars short of scholarships, I'm not perfect. She owes me 700 as it is, I still have 250 coming to me from another scholarship check I need to endorse, and she's still acting like I'm asking her to cut off her left fucking leg. Apparently wearing things until they fall apart, giving her every cent of my graduation money, and putting off things that I need makes me such a burden to her. I can't wait until I move and don't have to deal with her guilt trips every day.

I have never been so shocked in my entire life. Just when I thought that nothing could surprise me anymore too. Well, it looks as if miracles can happen, even at 3:30 in the morning.

Why is it that the closer to august it gets, the more full my schedule becomes? Monday I found out that I will be the copy mentor at journalism camp in a few weeks. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the bitch will be making one more return to the world of media in order to help these kids put out a good special section in the paper. All I am hoping is that I am the only copy mentor, and the two copy chiefs I know from another town will not be there. For one, they were the only people mentioned as copy editors in last year's edition, and I was left out. Second, my extreme control and perfectionism issues when it comes to journalism don't like working with others. Yes, my issues have issues.



Going on, today (Tuesday) I had a root canal. Oh joy, oh rapture, oh 2 hours in a dentist office. I had to get it filled, as a crown is out of the question right now because it costs 800, which I don't and probably will not have for a while. It only hurt afterwards (like hell for about an hour) and the doc gave me no pain meds. Yay for high pain tolerance! Oh, here's the good news! I get to have another root canal (on a much worse tooth) next Tuesday. My dentist already warned me that this one will take longer, be more painful, and will be very sensitive. And I'm getting this done a few hours before my first in-class driving lesson. Oh joy, oh rapture. I did have one funny thing happen though, I ran into a girl I graduated with, and she didn't recognize me at first. Hmm. Maybe I've changed a bit the past few months?



To my angel (and yes, I was reading that) I hope your eye feels better soon, and that we can talk more often. Be more careful when using chemicals, I don't want to have to worry about you more than I do. *hugs*



I also learned today that my old habit of sugar coating the truth was the reason that a lot of the things I've said in the past haven't gotten through to some people.



I really can't think of much else to say, I'm afraid that the sweltering heat is killing the few brain cells I have left after dying my hair and dealing with people.

Pics of new haircut now in the portfolio. See, I didn't procrastinate that much!

The past three days have been busy, and I haven't had much time to write. On friday, I got a fish for my room, which I am planning on taking up to college with me. It's a blue male siamese fighting fish, and I named him (with the help of a few friends) Dmitri Nikolas. Yes, a russian name for an asian fish. Poor thing probably has major identity problems right about now. Saturday, I cut my hair. *pauses while people gasp and scream in horror* I needed a change, and in a way, cutting my hair is like getting rid of past problems. Before I freak anyone out too badly, I only cut off about 6 inches, so it's about two inches below my collarbone. *is just waiting to get a message from someone bitching me out about this* I'll post a pic eventually. Anyways, today (Sunday) was a major cleaning day. My mom went all Martha Stewart nazi on me, and I cleaned yesterday, today, and I'm still not done. I had to scrub the floor three times. We also went and did laundry today, and got into a fight. About ironing. She thinks I don't know how to iron, so I proved her wrong when we got back. She got all bitchy for a while, and complained that she's sick of having me at home. Well, my college move in date couldn't come soon enough for me. I also think they need to up her dosage. Oh, we also got fish for the living room tank today. We got 8 of them, 4 different kinds. Not 10 minutes after we got them home, two of them (the same kind) start a mating ritual. Great, now there are fish fornicating in my living room. Ewww. Let's see, what else is there? I have a dentist appointment for tuesday to get a root canal, maybe two. Then I found out today that my insurance (if you can call it that) most likely doesn't cover crowns. Which I need two of. Well, guess who's going to have to get a job the minute she moves on campus. Bah. Oh, and I have the doctor appointment next monday. Let's see if he can figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I doubt it though. Other than today's little dark spot, things have been going alright. And I will admit that I haven't worked much on a certain letter, but I promise to get it in the post soon. I do have one question, why does everyone come to me with their relationship issues? Is it because I'm a good listener? I am just about the last person on the planet that someone would want to talk to about relationships. Okay, now I'm just talking for no good reason, so I'm done.

I meant to write all during my vacation, but the hotel room's internet service did not like my computer, or vice versa. No one seemed to notice I was gone either, just as I thought would happen. Christen, you were right.



Well, we drove up to Philadelphia on Friday. 8 hours is one long drive just to get to the next state. Saturday was the Live 8 concert. There were over a million people at the Philly concert alone, and we got close enough to see the stage when I climbed up on the fence. It was 85 degrees out and very sunny, so people were dropping like flies. It was a great concert, and I'll be putting up some photos once I resize them, but I got sunburned so badly I could barely get back to the hotel. I don't take the sun very well as it is, but 10 hours with no sunscreen killed me. We walked everywhere, to save on gas for the return trip home. On Sunday, we went down to see the Liberty Bell (so damn touristy, I know) and we walked around South Street. We ended up in Philly's ghetto area, that was fun. It now makes me laugh my ass off at anyone from my little city who thinks that they live in a bad part of town. Monday was the Philadelphia Freedom Concert, which meant another 6 hours in the sun. The fireworks display was the best I've ever seen, and I've seen 4th of July in a lot of different cities. Tuesday, we drove the 8 hours home again, and I want to go back. Philly is the most amazing city I've ever been to, I'm actually thinking about moving there after college. I'll have to see how teaching jobs are there though.



According to my mom, I'm going to the doctor as soon as she can get me an appointment. I can't sleep at night, I'm always tired during the day, and I can't eat. On Monday I had a bad shaking spell again, and I haven't had one of those since school ended. I could barely keep my water bottle from falling out of my hand. So, to the doctor I soon go to find out what the hell is wrong with me.



To the one person who sent me a message while I was gone, thank you. You've been there for me more these past few months than anyone else has ever been. I only wish I could be there with you. Sometimes I think you're the only person who tells me the truth anymore. *kisses* I'll always be here for you.

I need to sleep, as I leave for Philly at 7 am today. At another journal site I frequent, I found several old friends from my old school who I haven't seen in years. The most shocking of these was my friend who was nearly my sister. We had the same hair color, were both born in the same state, and everyone thought we were sisters. We even got our teachers to believe that. At one point we even tried to get her dad and my mom to date, and they almost did. I lived at her house whenever my mom got too controlling, and I was there whenever her mom would tear her down mentally. We lost contact when she was forced to go to a catholic school (her mom thought she was out of control) and I moved to California. We went through a bad time when she dated the guy who had just broken up with me, and when an old friend of mine tried to turn her against me. There was a lot of drama when I was 14. It was so weird clicking on a random link and seeing her pop up. It's scary how much you can miss when you lose contact with people.



I have a japanese techno song stuck in my head, and I'm trying to move forward instead of reliving old memories.



I'm also wondering why someone who never talks to me anymore continues to read my journal. What's the point? You already chose that you want to live your life without me in it.

There's no reason for you to be reading about mine anymore.



Well, that's all there is to write for now, and I need to pack this thing up now anyway. I feel really sorry for anyone who tries to carjack me and mom, because she has a boxcutter and a pocketknife in the van, and I'm carrying a tool in my purse that's supposed to be used to clear out the holes in beads, but makes a wonderful (and very sharp) mini bayonet. I'll be on Saturday night to tell how Live 8 went, and how many bruises I get fighting my way to the front of the stage.