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Another Sleepless Night

1-29-2009 0113 am



So here we are again, the endless cycle of sleeplessness.

I can hear your voice in my ear whispering to me to sleep.

A conversation we have had in the past more then a few times it seems.

“The sooner you sleep the sooner we will see each other in our dreams. The sooner that the day will end and bring us one more day closer to being back together again.”

I hear the words and I want to sleep but I just cant.

I lay in our bed and long for you to be there, to feel my fingers brushing against your skin as I stretch out on the bed.

I got your email today; in it you said you dreamt of holding me, I dream of that too.

You said that the simplest of pleasures of holding me in your arms keeps you sane, but then you woke and all that was in your arms was a pillow.

I find that same sadness too, waking up to your pillow in my arms and clutched to me.

Somehow the tears come fresh just at this thought.

I twist and turn and toss bedding on the floor only to hunt for it in the few hours before dawn.

The kids hear and say nothing, they hear my cries in the night when I call out your name and cry into your pillow.

I know it is hard for them and I try to save my breakdowns for when they are not home.

I just miss you and I know you miss me, its how we are when separated.

I keep reminding myself as each day passes, that it is one more day we have together when you retire.

Where you wont be taken from me, hopefully, for months at a time.

I hold tightly to our future plans and dreams, our aspirations and goals.

For now I will do the things that I know will help me get some sleep.

Write to you filling you’re in box with my ramblings.

You tell me that I am very poetic but I tell you that is not true, this is just how my mind thinks and organizes things.

Regardless of it all, I long for your return home and to be able to sleep against you without fear of waking without you.

Another sleepless night spent staring out the window, I opened the curtains a bit, and not at the wall.

When I do find my sleep rest assured it will be of you, my love, that I dream and in my dreams you are holding me safely within the shelter of your embrace.

COMMENTS

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LadyChordewa
08:13 Jan 31 2009

Beautiful hon. *hugs*

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Just when I thought I was ok to be online..



So I took a picture for my son and went to download the picture from the camera... So I found all the pictures from the night KO left.. sighs.



Yeah.

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vixensdream
01:39 Jan 28 2009

My heart and hope reaches out to you and your husband, he is doing a great service to our country and you are doing a great service to him by being strong.

I haven't had to sit through an afgani deployment yet but I did go through an iraq one and I almost know what you're going through, it's hard stuff. if you ever need someone to talk to and your army support net isn't there for you just send me a message. Our husbands may not be in the same branch but us military wifes need to stick together. hoha and oh rah.

-luv-vis



p.s. BEAUTIFUL picture as I'm sure you already know. as soon as your book is published I'll make sure to grab one for myself.

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Scarlett
03:21 Jan 29 2009

i feel for you..however.. just think of this.. melanie, my 10 year old, was d/l pics off of her cell phone...and see found pictures shaymus , her 8 year old brother, had taken.. of his... well...

yeah....



we are calling him the angry inch worm

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Thank you to everyone who has expressed a liking for the image that I am currently using as an Avatar here on VR.



As a few of you know my husband Khornesone just deployed to Afghanistan. He will be gone for a year.



This image was taken by Wolfbite, our daughter, and edited by KO. It means a great deal to me as you can imagine.



A few of the key aspects of the image are of course our hands together with our wedding bands showing, his dog-tags with the Army Values showing.



It is imagery that has been playing through my mind for a few years and has made itself a must have for my book that I am writing.



A version of this picture, when my hands are not so ate up hahahahahaha, will be the cover art.



Thank you to all of our friends who have shown us support during this transition time, you are all appreciated more then I can ever express in words.

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cadrewolf
00:13 Jan 28 2009

Love it....:)

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Joli
00:48 Jan 28 2009

It's a beautiful and poignant image. Thank you so much for sharing it.

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LadyChordewa
05:23 Jan 28 2009

*hugs* I'm here for you sis and I told you once before. The picture says everything. It shows your devotion, patriotism love and strength. Its perfect and it is perfect for your book too.

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Its that time for me to be MIA for a few days or so.



I will respond to messages when I come back online.

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LadyChordewa
20:24 Jan 25 2009

Please know that I love you hon. It is understandable that you need to be alone with your children during this time, as you need time to grieve for your loss. Be strong dearheart. He loves you all.

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Kitsuna
00:44 Jan 26 2009

*hugs silverbow*

Love ya lots.

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LadyChordewa
18:51 Jan 26 2009

I meant....Loss of her love, her best friend, her husband, due to deployment.

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It was very hard on Cam today. The staff is not sure if the treatment is working and Cam has decided that if it is not working then this is it. She is not going to put her body or family through anymore.



Other tests are coming back as well and there is one we are waiting for anxiously, we have a week for those results. sigh



This week as a whole has been hard on her and I wish that I could take some of that pain from her. The emotional stuff I can handle, its seeing her in the physical pain that is tearing me apart.



The other day a treatment had to be stopped because during the middle of it her skin split on her back. Wouldn't you know it but that would be one of the few days I didn't get to go with her because of prior commitments that I could not get rescheduled. I wanted to curl up on the floor and cry because I was not there for her.



She was given a special ointment to help her skin heal and to repair the skin cells. David is upset and practically forcing her to sit still for him so that he can put this ointment on her once a day and then other lotions on her to help hydrate her skin more.



I was so proud of her on Monday because she had managed to gain a pound and keep it on over the weekend. Today at her weigh in she has dropped that pound she held so tightly too and another two more. She is so upset with herself and then when she gets this way she can’t eat or keep things down. Getting her to eat today was a chore but I kept it light and encouraging. Letting her know that what little she was able to keep down today was a good thing.



Anthony is being an ass towards her still but at least now he knows she is not going to take his crap anymore. She does not have too. More then a few of us at the office finally got her to go to JAG and then to see the CSM about him. It's being taken care of now and he knows just exactly what a mess he has created for himself.



Oh and Anthony wants to know why I don’t like him... Seriously? You have got to be joking right? So Cam told him that I loathe him with just about every fiber of my being. That is about accurate on my part. He thought I didn't know what was going on...Seriously dude, I am not dumb... Who do you think she talks too when she cant turn anywhere else? grrr argh.. snarl bark... grrr... anyways.



Blah he irritates me can you tell?



Anyway. Cam, David and Clay are supposed to come for dinner tonight. I have bread going and will be making lasagna for them.



Its Matt's last weekend home and I am looking forward to some quiet time with him and the kids. Maybe we will catch a movie, who knows.

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LadyChordewa
02:21 Jan 17 2009

I'm here if you need me sis. You are doing an admirable thing with Cam, being there for her. Don't feel like a failure...you are her strength hon. She knows it. No use beating yourself up.



Hug Cam for me. Hug Matt for me. I hugged him the last time I saw him, but hug him again hon.



I love you both.

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Scarlett
03:02 Jan 17 2009

If the time comes when she doesnt want agressive treatments anymore, encourage her to call a local hospice. I can help you find one if you need the assistance. Hospice can make a huge difference in ppl quality of life.

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Khornesone
03:08 Jan 17 2009

Cam and Clay came for dinner, David was unable to be here due to work. They just left but they had a good time and most of all Cam ate. That has been stressing Sil out a great deal, trying to make sure Cam eats and eats right. I am glad to call Cam part of our family, she is a remarkable woman.

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Kitsuna
21:57 Jan 17 2009

I hope eveyrthing get's better. <3

Keepn' you in my thoughts.

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