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But in all serious mind....



I'm on the asshole father side of things. Where its wrong for me to be irritated when i'm getting insulted all day for speaking my mind and yes saying a few stupid choice things. I don't insult the mother or the family, I accept that they believe certain things and have faith in God, a more literal faith but faith none the less. Yet the humor I do share is frowned upon, my words taken all the wrong ways. I'm not care free, but life is too short to be lived completely serious and shackled by a will other than my own.



I was a really stupid guy 2 years ago, a year ago... I started smartening up, now i'm a bit more serious about things involving life and trying to plan for the future.



Being called an ATM all day while i'm with my son and his mothers side of the family is not cool. I said I wasn't an atm, so they give me shit all day, then... out of nowhere "oh thats something ryan really should have" a radioflyer wagon with a canopy. Sure in fact I will buy it for him for christmas... but when his grandmother said "oh a gift, you missed his first birthday." ...Really you syphillis infected cunt bag you had the balls to say that even in sarcasm? when he turned one, I was stressing and hardly able to sleep at night, because I knew I most likely had a son.



A. Didn't know his name. B. had never seen him yet. C. was wary of even trying to contact his mother because of being threatened with a restraining order when I found out she was pregnant because I wanted to just be involved, not still date, not marry, just be involved. Pay for what I could, help get her to appointments. I had been angry... but what semi caring guy wouldn't when you're told to get the fuck out of the womans life who is most likely carrying your child?



I don't see why it isn't a big deal when i'm told that out of bitterness she had entertained the thought of destroying my family by bringing up my past, how everything I do is under a microscope and judged most critically. They make snide and petty remarks to eachother, and myself... and I shouldn't have a problem with that? That is whats wrong with fucking people like this. You aren't willing to have a conversation and call eachother out on bullshit because you get super offended and defensive, but you are willing to make the rudest most arrogant remarks to eachother, in front of my son... To make them towards me while i'm holding Ryan?!



I want to let the past go, let it all be, not be angry at any of them... but the problem is... the past is their life all the men who have fucked them over, the indecent assholes they made life making decisions with all their focus is now on the only adult male who is taking responsibillity... I fucking hate this state because I don't even have to fuck up for things to get worse they can just make an accusation and the state takes the womans side. Tell me sexism isn't still alive in this "civilized society."



I'm at her mercy and its wrong. I'm not the best person in the world...but to be told the things I will not affect in his life, the things that will decided for him when he is of specific ages is fucking bullshit. he deserves better than me, but he also deserves better than some predetermined life. To know free will is all I want for him, to be a good person and know that kindness is given as simple as a smile and a nod. To know humility and a kind heart, while being the best soul he is capable of.



Why do I feel failure before its even begun?