The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Today has been a good one. I did some crafts and did some drawing in my new art book I got for Christmas. I haven't drawn or done crafts for quite some time.

Audrey has been really good today as well. She is teething at the moment so she tends to be very fussy, but we bought some orajel and it is helping so much. Thank god for medications that make life more bearable.

I am trying to quit smoking for the 100th time.. My head is killing me, I feel light headed and have been feeling paranoid. I hate feeling this way. I want a cigarette so badly, but I don't want to be reliant on cigarettes anymore. I don't want to be a slave to cigarettes anymore. I want to be free from substances. I want to be healthy and life a long life.



I need something to keep me busy and occupied..

I finally got around to making a new YouTube video! It has been way too long since my last video has been posted. I need to start posting regularly again!



Here is the link to my new Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qc5KeQPc6g



Please check it out, like and subscribe! I really appreciate it!



Tonight my boyfriend, Audrey and I are going to family's house to visit and exchange presents. It should be a lot of fun. I am looking forward to watching everyone open their gifts from us. I put a lot of thought and time into their presents. It would break my heart if they didn't like the gifts.

Today was beyond stressful.. We had to do a lot of running around to stores and the mall to get some last minute things done. The upside of today, I took Audrey to see Santa clause at the mall. I got some awesome photos of her and Santa.

I had an argument with my boyfriend today about how he is always on his cellphone. I shed a few tears out of frustration and sadness and he got furious and offended. In the end we figured things out.

I made some cute little treat bags for Christmas day for our guests that are coming over for Christmas dinner. Now I am sitting on the couch relaxing and drinking an alcoholic beverage. I am ready to relax and do as little as possible.

Tomorrow evening we are going to my boyfriend's mother's house to exchange gifts and visit. Hopefully all goes well with that.

I am feeling so grateful today. I received a Christmas food hamper today from a local organization. Thanks to them, we will be able to have a wonderful Christmas dinner and will be able to have family and friends over to enjoy it with us. I couldn't of asked for anything more. I feel like crying I am so happy. They have relieved so much of my stress.



I can't believe I am going to be 21 in 6 days. Where have the years gone? I don't feel my age at all! I feel like a teenager still. I feel like I should still be attending high school. I do not feel like I am old enough to be a mother and a wife, but I am.



I got some house work done today, which was really nice. Audrey is passed out in her playpen finally. She was fighting sleep hard core as always. She fights everything, which makes my life difficult. She is going to be a very strong willed person.

Look into my eyes and tell me, what do you see?

Can you see the person I am or the person I so badly want to be? Can you see the sadness that I hold within so no one can see? When you look into my eyes can you see?

I want what I cannot have, can you see?

I want what you cannot have, cant you see?

I want you to hold me and kiss me and tell me sweet things, why cant you see?

To be or not to be, why cant I see?

Why cant I be the being who sings sweet melodies?

What does it mean to be a being who cannot see?

Audrey is 5 months old today. I cannot believe how fast she is growing up. She is nearly crawling and has a tooth coming in. Before I know it she will be a year old. I don't want her to grow up so quickly.



I can't shake this feeling of loneliness. I have no friends anymore, and my boyfriend seems to always be at work. My only company as of late is my baby Audrey. I need more than that. I need a friend who I can talk to and spend time with again. I want a friend who offers me as much as I offer them. I've never had a friendship like that before, I feel like it is too much to ask for and that it is unrealistic.



I miss the way things used to be.

COMMENTS

-

---

AmenthewickVerII
20:06 Dec 20 2015

Dont worry. I got a baby too, and im married. I feel lonely too. But you know what i get to do on here psychologists suck at? I get to try and cheer you up, by saying the dumbest shit possible, so maybe somebody's day on here is a little better. For free. And thats what makes me feel better.



All males are still just girls inside out and tell me, if you think, they are all that tough when they, are being manly, when in reality, nothing is.

---

POST COMMENT

Today was a good day. I went over to my parents house and did some baking. I made chocolate chip cookies, rice crispy squares and chocolate covered pretzels. I cannot wait to eat them on christmas eve with my boyfriend.

I am feeling lonely tonight. I wish my boyfriend got off work earlier than 1 am. I would like to actually spend some time with him. I want to be able to talk and cuddle and kiss him and have him close to me. I want a night where he doesnt pull out his cellphone to check facebook or check his text messages. I want a night without technology. I miss when life was more simple, I miss being a child in the 90's.

COMMENTS

-

---

xRobin3x
03:29 Dec 19 2015

child of the 80's wasn't bad. :) bike riding to get anywhere was fun. lol

---

POST COMMENT

I am not feeling very good at all today. I have very depressed and not feeling like myself. This depression has come out of no where. There is no reason for me to be feeling like this.

Phil has the day off, he is spending it playing video games as always. I find this so boring and depressing that all he ever wants to do is play video games. When we first started dating we would go out and do fun things together. Now that we have been together a year and 5 months, all that we do is sit around and occasionally go out for dinner and occasionally have sex. This is not where I thought this relationship was going to end up. When ever I try to talk about this with him he gets defensive and it turns into an argument. I dont want to fight with him over this..

The water has finally been turned back on. The landlord has set up a temporary water supply for the townhouses finally. It has only been a week without water, no big deal..

I was able to take a nice hot bath, get the dishes done, give Audrey a bath and feed her some dinner. Now I wait for my boyfriend to get home from work. I am watching Netflix and browsing Vampire Rave. I am in quite a good mood today. Audrey has been well behaved and my boyfriend is finally in a good mood. He has been quite grumpy the past 3 days. It is very draining and upsetting when he is in a bad mood. It radiates off him and clings to me.

I was able to play some video games as well, which was nice. I haven't been able to play video games for quite some time. I have either been too depressed or too busy to play. Today has been one of the best days I have had in a very long time. I am grateful for days like today, as they are few and far between. You have to count your blessings, that is for sure.

Let the job search begin, again. So far I have applied online at two locations. Tomorrow I will go out and apply for some jobs in person. I prefer applying in person, I like to talk face to face with people. I do not like how you have to apply online for most jobs now.

I really hope I can find a job for January. The economy in my city is complete shit right now so it may be difficult, we will see. I need to be a responsible parent and provide for my family. We cannot survive off of one income unfortunately. I want my daughter to have the best life possible.

I am really looking forward to Christmas! My boyfriend and I are making dinner for my parents. I am looking forward to giving Audrey her presents. I know she wont remember, but I am still excited about it.

I did not get a very good sleep last night. Audrey was wide awake at 3 am and didn't go back to sleep until 5 am.

I am waiting to hear back from my landlord to see if I am allowed to run a day home out of my place. I hope I am approved as I really need to income and want to be able to raise Audrey.

We have been without running water since yesterday because of emergency repairs being done. This really annoys me! I want to be able to shower and flush my toilet thank you very much.

Well, I had a huge falling out with my friend that I was being a nanny for. She was not happy with the care I was providing for her child, claiming I was neglecting him. Which is total bullshit.

What I have learned from this experience is that you should never ever work for a friend.

I was shocked when this friend of mine started showing her true colors. I had been her friend for 4 years and have never seen this rude side of her. On the bright side I will no longer have her negativity in my life. I will not have to listen to her whine about how alone she is and that she has no friends.

I will hopefully be starting a day home. I just need to get the okay from my landlord and get the okay from the daycare agency.

Wish me luck!

Tomorrow I really want to start working out again. I want to get my flat stomach and perky butt back. Having Audrey has really changed my body and has made me heavier.

I need to research some work outs that I can do in my home as I cannot leave audrey alone.

I hope I can get some definition back in my body.

Today was a MUCH better day. I got a full night sleep and I had a good cry and watched some uplifting funny videos. Laughter is the best medicine most of the time.

I worked today, which wen alright. I am home now and am relaxing with my baby girl Audrey. She has been in a good mood today as well. When I am in a good mood she typically is to, which is awesome.

The water supply to my complex is unfortunately shut off for emergency repairs so I am without water for the night and tomorrow most likely. The landlord was nice enough to supply everyone with bottled water to use until the water is back on. I would have been screwed if they hadn't given us water. I would of had no way to feed Audrey.

I posted a new youtube video as well about how I cope with my depression. I hope it helps people a lot. I know how hard it care be to overcome being depressed. I often am too stubborn to accept help or too stubborn to do things that will make me feel better. I am too stubborn for my own good most days.





Link to new video:

https://youtu.be/RjC9WLPn18I

Today was a MUCH better day. I got a full night sleep and I had a good cry and watched some uplifting funny videos. Laughter is the best medicine most of the time.

I worked today, which wen alright. I am home now and am relaxing with my baby girl Audrey. She has been in a good mood today as well. When I am in a good mood she typically is to, which is awesome.

The water supply to my complex is unfortunately shut off for emergency repairs so I am without water for the night and tomorrow most likely. The landlord was nice enough to supply everyone with bottled water to use until the water is back on. I would have been screwed if they hadn't given us water. I would of had no way to feed Audrey.

I posted a new youtube video as well about how I cope with my depression. I hope it helps people a lot. I know how hard it care be to overcome being depressed. I often am too stubborn to accept help or too stubborn to do things that will make me feel better. I am too stubborn for my own good most days.





Link to new video:

https://youtu.be/RjC9WLPn18I

Today has been such a long day for me. Work was brutal. I have been feeling under the weather all week and today I am feeling depressed. I am exhausted in every sense. I feel like I should make a youtube video tonight, but I don't know what to make it about. I don't have much to talk about right now. I don't feel like talking much either.

I just want my boyfriend to be home and cuddle with me and love me. He wont be home until 1:30 am which really fucking sucks. I feel like drinking and smoking a pack of cigarettes. Audrey is wide awake still. I gave her a nice hot bath trying to get her to fall asleep. No luck with that so far.

Now I am just sitting on my couch, TV going on in the background while I write this journal entry. I think I will pull the camera out and make a video for my channel. May as well, it will give me something to do.

How do I feel about myself, my body?

I hate how my body has changed from having baby Audrey. My belly will never look or be the same ever again. My belly button looks really weird. I want to start working out and get rid of all this extra weight from pregnancy. I want to get back to 160 pounds. I miss being that skinny, that in shape. I don't feel as beautiful or attractive without clothing like I did before. I was finally feeling comfortable with my body and then I got pregnant. Pregnancy changed everything.

I have been struggling with eating again. Today all I ate was soup, a bun, a muffin, a coffee and an energy drink. I fell off the nonsmoking band wagon as well. I was doing so good and then I gave in to my weaknesses as always. I am so angry and frustrated with myself and my inability to remain strong for long periods of time. I need to believe in myself more and give myself the benefit of the doubt. I always doubt myself and belittle myself before giving myself the chance to prove myself wrong. What the hell is wrong with me? I've always been this way. I need to change this behavior or I am going to destroy myself from the inside out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82pjO7PtOlQ



I've posted a new video on my YouTube channel. Check it out! :)

I have not been feeling very good the past 3 days. I have been feeling so light headed and sick. I feel so zoned out as well.

I ate dinner last night and ended up puking from the food. My body cannot handle meat very well these days.

I just want to feel better and be healthy. I am tired of feeling light headed and spaced out. I hate feeling this way.

I cannot believe that it is December already. Where has this year gone? I cannot believe that Audrey will be 5 months in a couple weeks. Insanity!



The YouTube channel is going well! I have made 6 videos so far. I want to make many many more with in time. I hope I do not run out of ideas for my videos. I find it very therapeutic making the videos, as I am sure I have said before.



Work is going well. I am enjoying being a nanny. The boy I watch is quite easy to watch. I just have to feed him and entertain him for a few hours.



Life is overall really good for my family and me. I am feeling very happy lately. I couldn't ask for anything more.