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trying to find me...
09:14 May 28 2010
Times Read: 602

28 May 2010





Current mood: depressed



in this long journey... i'm trying to find who i am.

the path is tiring and full of so many obstacles...

i feel saddened by my recent discoveries along the road..

and i think i might just close my eyes to rest a bit, to take in what

news i have uncovered.. to soak in all the mean things that someone

i thought would help me on my travels to find me has said...

the feeling of being a burden is often a jagged little pill to swallow.

i found that i am less desirable on so many levels and unbelievably difficult...

do i want to be me?

its hard to see through all my faults when they pour like rain... some

caused by me.. others caused by everyone else who are around me

then there are the most keen feelings that i am alone..

followed by the wish of being someone or something else beside me.

along this hard journey, i have also found the softer side of things too..

i'm glad for the air that i breath.. my children.. my toughest lessons..

i want to stop on the side of the road and just give up..

just forget everything that i have learned... but i cant..

i'm so tired of these roller coaster feelings i have..

i feel like i am always in the wrong in certain situations.. yet i know that

things wont change unless i make it happen.

i hate the feelings of jealousy.. sadness.. loneliness.. exhaustion.. not being able

to speak my mind without someone shutting me out.

why should i be me?

why would i want to be me with all this baggage?

well.. cause i am hoping to find the REAL me..

the fun me.. the happy me.. the one that can withstand all that is thrown at me...

the one that laughs.. trusts.. and the one that people love to be around.

but sometimes the bad outweighs the good..

and i dont like what or who i see in my mirror.

the eyes of someone that looks like me... but isn't me.

the feeling of wanting to cry.. yell.. curse everything.. to just hide away or just sleep.

all this is my journey.. sad but true.. very chaotic...

when will my raging mind ebb.. sometimes i just plain hate me.

......



i'll continue to look... but i'm getting tired. awfully tired...

cant wait...
04:07 May 10 2010
Times Read: 610




alone again... *sigh*

Current mood: bored

ok, so i spent my birthday alone... cause the lil family was sleeping and now i spend mothers day working only to come home to spend the rest of the time alone til i have to take my other half to work at 11pm...



tomorrow is our anniversary.. will i spend that alone?

i guess i cant be to alone.. i have laundry to do... ugh!! this sucks. oh well.. gotta be done.



oh and a damn meeting at work where everyone will bitch about this and that but no one points the finger at themselves. damn it all to Hades!!



i cant wait til tomorrow.... my phone will get turned back on... it bites without one.

and i can go get the damn citation for expired insurance taken care of... courtesy of rio rancho PD... on my birthday... imagine.. i was going the speed limit too.. when i'm hauling ass to get to work no cops.. go figure when i ride the limit i get stopped... fuckers!! i hate quota time.



pah.. i'm needing sleep in a bad way. atleast i'm off tomorrow.



and on the more UP side my luby-luby (my lil markus) is walking a few steps atleast... heh ^_^ his birthday is now in June... i cant wait to see him tear into the lil cake i'ma bake for him....lol 1 year old already.. damn time flies when you dont want it to.

alone again... *sigh*
03:49 May 10 2010
Times Read: 611

ok, so i spent my birthday alone... cause the lil family was sleeping and now i spend mothers day working only to come home to spend the rest of the time alone til i have to take my other half to work at 11pm...



tomorrow is our anniversary.. will i spend that alone?

i guess i cant be to alone.. i have laundry to do... ugh!! this sucks.



oh and a damn meeting at work where everyone will bitch about this and that but no one points the finger at themselves. damn it all to hades!!