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The pounding enigma of thought and worry has laid itself upon me. And as always they come hand in hand with doubt in myself. Are these emotions I feel toward another ture or are they merely attempting to redirect themselves to keep me from once again suffering the agony of heartache. I've wondered many times these past few weeks if I truly deserve the love that has been bestowed upon me by others. For how can I remain true to one who has claimed to love me like no other when I still feel a love so strong for another man that it makes my eart sick. A sickness that wrenches the gut and tears at the soul with jagged scavenger's teeth. I fear at this point that perhaps I have no heart at all. I know I have given it away to one person and I fear I never retrieved it. But if that is so then why is it I feel this way? I don't know what it is. I really wish I did. But this decision has brought with it the dark storm of confusion. And as long as it lingers over my head I will never be able to see the path ahead of me. I can only pray that a flash of lightning will either strike me down or give off its brief light to help me find my way.

Life is a never ending puzzle. It bestows upon us assorted pains and pleasures that can never be fully explained. Of course with the complexities of this never ending labarynth we are bestowed with two things that will either help us find our way through to the bliss or lead us astray along the path of damnation. These cursed gifts are bestowed upon every man, woman, and child. What is not bestowed upon some of us is the capacity to use them. The sad thing is that some of those who have the blessings and the capacity don't necessarilly always use them for the better good. Those of us like these thrive on the soul wrenching agony they can lay down upon others. We lie, cheat, steal, murder, and abuse our own kind all with these cursed gifts. Some days we hear reports of the monstrousities of our fellow man. But what we don't see is what is hidden within. Underneath all of the agony, hatred, and madness there lies a few pure souls left in the world. These rare souls have these gifts with no worry of pain. Though few they try their best to expand their use of these two blessings in attempt to pull a veil over the pain we cause each other. These select souls become friends, lovers, pastors, and in a way, if there be any, angels on earth. Instead of using these powerful gifts for pure evil they push them to the opposite extreme. What are these gifts you ask? What two things could we have that could either cause love and belonging or completely destroy our lives...It's simple really...the two things we all have, the two things that can be our damnation or our salvation are none other than the power of the human mind and the human heart.

What's the point anymore? I've finally decided that if you can't have something then you should just give up on it. I hate the thought of abandoning something I care about but I can't handle the pain anymore. I'm not going to wait forever just because he doesn't want me doesn't mean I can't go on. I have to go on. If I don't I'll only prove to myself that I'm weak and can't fend for myself. I'm not weak...most of the time. I just want to be able to be happy for once. To be with someone who really cares about me. I think I've found someone but I can't help but wonder...if my heart is so dedicated to someone else then how can I remain true to this other person. He seems to love me so dearly....I don't want to let him down. But how....dammit...I guess I've gotten myself into this mess. Perhaps none of this is supposed to happen anyways. Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone in this world. If that's true....then so be it.

Until the day I fell in love I never knew that my heart could ache as badly as it does now. I've spent the last little while crying silently with burning tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't feel anything except the excruciating pain in my chest. Could this be true love....or am I once again having delusions of a better time. One which I was loved....one where the man I loved loved me....but that's all over now. All I can do is wait in agonizing silence and hope some day he'll see....my god....what have I done.....

I keep having that damn dream....I wish it would stop....it's kind of depressing to wake up, want to scream, and not be able to. If I have to see that damn cemetary, hear that horrible wailing, or fail to read that tombstone one more time I'm going to go insane. I can't take it any more.....

I have been robbed of sleep as my mind has been robbed of peace. Horrible images cross my thoughts if I even dare close my eyes....I hear nothing but screaming when I sleep....nothing but pain when I'm awake. Maybe I'll get lucky and this will all have just been some kind of dream....some kind of horrible monstrosity created by my overactive imagination. But what if this is real....what if this is the future I've been condemned to....I thought it would end if I rid myself of emotion...but I can still here them....I can here the tortured souls of hell screaching in agony....dear god....will this ever stop.....

You ever wonder why the world goes so slowly? Why when we least expect it time decides to either speed up or slow down? What is time anywys? Is it a state of mind that we've created for ourselves? Or perhaps it's just something that we believe in so wholely that we ended up creating it subconsciously....You can't help but wonder why it's there....there's really no point to it. There never seems to be enough or way too much to spend. Then when it's gone....what are we left with? Hmmmm.....