The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I am not a fucking pregnant woman!!!!!!
19:59 Jun 20 2010
Times Read: 575

Okay, my day for what it was kinda started like shit. I woke up around 3am from a nightmare. I don't remember the nightmare, not even sure I had one, all I know was that I was extremely edgy and I felt like I was suffocating, so I went outside for a little. When I came back inside I still couldn't sleep and I didn't feel like getting online to do my applications, so I decided I would read. Well the light would have woke Tiff up, and I am kinda stuck on one series, so I started reading the pdf ebook of the first book in the series (I picked it up in the middle not knowing). By the time that 5am came around I was reading to try sleeping again, and I finally did sleep. But at 7am when Tiff woke up and tried to get me up I could barely function. That kinda upset her and frustrated her, but she finally was able to help me comprehend and focus enough to take my medication. It litterally took all the strength that I had to do that and I passed out. When I finally did wake up around 10am I brought Aurora down and we had breakfast (well, she did.) She decided that she didn't want to play with her toys, she wanted to sit there with her baby-doll and watch Scooby-Doo, and I went back to the computer to do my thing while she watched her favorite doggy.







blah blah blah



Today I havent really felt. I was content and that was perfect. But just a little while ago I just turned to shit. Right now I feel like total shit, not sick shit, just not seeing the point of much of anything right now. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being sad,upset, and angry and 10 being perfectly blissful, I am feeling somewhere in the neighborhood of Q.



Makes no sense right, Q is not between 1 and 10... Well that is because the number line and the letter line are 2 separate lines that have no link. Yet that is what I am feeling right now, and I don't know why. My therapist says that the mood changes are usually triggered by something. Yet as I sit here typing this out thinking about it, there was nothing, not one god damn thing that should have, would have, or could have triggered this mood swing. I wasn't thinking about earlier, I wasn't listening to the radio, wasn't even thinking of anything, yet there it found me and knocked me for a fucking loop. I mean this morning I had planned on trying to pick up the living room, do some dishes, clean the hallway, clean Aurora's room, and make dinner; and now, well, I am going to have to struggle to find the motivation and energy to do the damn dishes like Tiff asked me to do.



I am sure that she senses something is wrong, but she has to focus on finishing her homework. I mean even if she took a break from her homework to talk to me and try to help me figure out how to deal with this shit, it wouldn't do any good. She can't help me figure out how to fucking deal with it when I can't even figure out what the fuck caused this in the first place.



And yes, as I type this out, its pissing me off more and more that I cannot seem to maintain a stable grasp on my emotions. At least this time I am not crying like a damn little kid who got told that he couldn't have any candy, all because I couldn't fucking cuddle. I don't want to feel like a pregnant fucking female late in the damn pregnancy. I am not a damn female, I gotta dick, I beat it off yesterday, so I know that I have one, yet my emotions are that of a woman who is about to pop...

Dreams
15:07 Jun 16 2010
Times Read: 581

Have you ever had a dream where you got hurt and the pain carried over to the waking world?



Well the only thing I can take from the dream I had last night (rarity in itself) is that I broke my right leg (lower calf) and that pain carried over.... Now I can't honestly say that the pain that I felt was that of a broken bone, I wouldn't know, I have never broken a major bone in my body before. I have cracked finger knuckles from fighting and it is nowhere near the pain that I felt this morning.





I have to do some cleaning today, no question about it. I have to steam clean the carpets, do the dishes, trash, and probably a few other things.

self fufilling prophecy
18:27 Jun 12 2010
Times Read: 590

Ya know, I was watching Xena on the computer and in the ending episodes of season 5 the fates made a prophecy that the sireless child of Xena would bring about the end of the Olympian gods. As usual, the gods heard this prophecy and went to kill her child. Anyone who knows Xena knows that that is a death sentence. Of course Xena kills all those who try to kill her child. Yet the gods that don't attack her or her child aren't touched (Ares, Aphrodite)



If the gods never heard the prophecy, would they be dead??? I dont believe that they would be. The only thing that the gods symbolize is the raw human emotions, a different diety for each emotion. Humans are a self-centered, self-destructive species. We are prone to anger, violence, and self preservation.

ramble
23:10 Jun 09 2010
Times Read: 597

Okay. This entry is not going to make any sense, its just my ramblings and random thoughts.





Nature - Nature is said to be a perfect duality, life and death, light and dark, love and hate, good and evil, etc. But you are both right and wrong at the same time, another duality I know, but let me explain. A person could be good, evil, or a mix of both (depending on who you ask) but they are either right or wrong because even if someone is doing the wrong thing for the right reason, its still wrong, if they are doing the right thing for the wrong reason, its still wrong. A person can love and hate all at the same time, its not an exclusive emotion, but one doesn't require the other. To love one person does not mean that you have to hate another. My mother has always taught me that hate is too strong an emotion to have toward one person. Hatred taints the soul.

21:51 Jun 09 2010
Times Read: 604




I dont know what is going on. Right now I cant seem to control my emotions at all. The closest thing that I can relate it to is that of an extremely pregnant woman. This morning I wanted cuddles, simple cuddles. But I knew that I wasnt going to get them because of her back hurting and the chores that needed to be done. And I fucking started crying. It is not a damn reason to cry, and I knew it. Yet I could not stop the tears. There is something wrong with me, yet I can't talk about it, or I start bawling. I am not sure if it is the meds or me or the stress of everything or if I am just losing my mind. Hell, I am crying as I type this. And I still want cuddles....



Right now I just want to curl up into a ball in the corner and blink myself away. Right now I feel totally alone, even though I can see her sitting/standing/moving around not even 10 feet from me. It is a strange feeling to want to be held by and to hold someone, yet at the same time want to disappear and not be seen.





Why did this have to happen right now, when everything was going okay for a change?! I mean, I did good on my finals that I have taken so far, Tiff is done with her school for the quarter, and she passed everything... And right now I feel like I am a little kid who is about to get beat for something petty. And I dont know why I am feeling this way, otherwise I would have corrected it when I first noticed it.



My memory/hearing (involuntary selective hearing) is getting really freakin bad. My sleeping habits, well, I am really not sure what to say about them other then they cause me more then a few problems. I can't go to sleep at night without the help of sleeping pills, I can't wake up without the help of copious amounts of caffeine throughout the day. I can't really focus for more then a few minutes without my adderall, and I can't find the motivation without my anti-depressants. If i heard someone describe me, I would say that I was a drug addict, and yet I know that I am not. I would forget to take all my meds if it weren't for Tiff reminding me to take them. There is something that is seriously fucked up with me, and yet there really isnt anything that I can think of to try and fix it.



Not knowing, not being able to control my emotions, hacing to rely on so much just to get through the day really upsets and pisses me off. And try as I might I cant stop myself from getting more and more pissed. Tiff says that when I get upset or pissed, I take it out on her. I am not really sure that that is true, but I can see where I do get short with her when I am upsest, and that generally upsets me even more.



And upset and pissed me is not generally a good thing. It generally leads me to act first and then think, which is a bad thing with I can be very violent with the situation reuires it.





I am fighting sleep even now, at $pn.

ME!!!
22:21 Jun 04 2010
Times Read: 612

So yeah, I dont really know what is going on in the world. Good people seem to be getting burned everywhere. I don't like it, I have never liked it. Watching people get hurt is what turned me into an ass so long ago. No-one here has ever really seen me at my worst, never saw me not care, never saw me blank as empty space.



I really don't know why people are complete shit, and to be honest I don't care. People want to watch people get hurt, then fine.... Look in the mirror.









Blessed be and may the goddess have mercy on your soul, because I won't!!!