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Thanks to someone close to me i am back writing again... i bought myself a gorgeous black moleskin notepad, and a decent pen. I spent 5 hours on the train today writing, editing and rewriting parts of a story (its a continuation from an earlier piece i had orginially planend to attempt to turn into a novel.)



I wrote a semi plan for it, and took it in a sifferent direction dark fantasy with a smattering of sex... sounds odd but it might work. Stay tuned...

Dear Alcohol,



First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As

my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden

inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless

family gatherings.



However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I

want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your

influence has led to some unwise consequences:



1. Phone Calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question

the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place

after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call family and those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends

when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let

alone all hours of the night?



2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat

a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and

mustard washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet

chili and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too

far this time.



3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga

to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me

to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that

appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it

should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the

lock!!



4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a

little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but

the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is

shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,

bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on

the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and

in no way interfere with my daily activities.



Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would

like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of

great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion

when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.



In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully

review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an

answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible

solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.



Thank you,

Your biggest fan



P.S.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon



Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate



Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

COMMENTS

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HellaciousRose
01:14 Feb 17 2008

Too funny.

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LAZARUSAD
11:52 Feb 17 2008

Freaking riot!

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PrincessChild
21:24 Feb 18 2008

that made me smile , it was just what I needed

---

POST COMMENT

Lesson 1:



A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.



The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.



When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.



Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'





After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.





The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.



When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'



'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.



'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'







Moral of the story:



If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.







Lesson 2:





A priest offered a Nun a lift.



She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.



The priest nearly had an accident.



After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.



The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'



The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'



The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'



Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.



On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'



Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.







Lesson 3:



A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.



They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.



'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'



Puff! He's gone.



'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'





Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4





An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.



A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'



So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.









Lesson 5



A turkey was chatting with a bull.



'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'



The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.



The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.



Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.



He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.





Moral of the story:

Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..







Lesson 6





A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.



While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.



As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.



The dung was actually thawing him out!



He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.



Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.





Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.



(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your

friend.



(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

Im gutted today, i just logged onto a PC and into my email to see a mail from the webmaster of one of my other communities its one where i have since i started writing stored every piece i have ever penned (some of them i have never saved anywhere else)



To pass his humblest apologies that due to an error on his part the database where every writers pieces were stored has been wiped...



Im really upset by this, but its a hard lesson i have learned and would like to pass it on to other writers on here. KEEP HARD COPIES OF EVERY PIECE YOU HAVE EVER PENNED



Also my family is at each others throats again, this time my mother and sister. have tried my best to get them talking again, but the 800 mile gap makes this very difficult and i find phone conversations cant replace an eye to eye convo, i cant tell if my sister is paying lip service to my advice. Guess time will tell...



Steve