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Lately I have not been feeling like myself.



I sleep way too much, even if i get eight hours a night. My eating and sleeping habits have really changed. I feel hopeless and worthless a lot. I constantly feel sad, and am frequently crying or getting tearful. Even the littlest criticism makes me want to cry. I feel irritable and restless at times. I have random aches and pains. I have difficulty concentrating and have fallen behind in my school work and my attendance rate is dropping. All I want to do is stay home, or go see Stephen. I don't feel like doing anything else a lot of the time. If I didn't have to, I probably wouldn't go to school or work, because I really don't want to go that much. I don't have friends anymore. I don't have any enthusiam about anything or any motivation to complete stuff, like school work. I don't socialize very much anymore. I constantly feel like something is wrong with me.



At first I just thought it was stress. Being in college, having a boyfriend, having a job .. all those things are new to me. I thought that I was just getting overwhelmed with everything. But this is more than just being overwhelmed. At first it was probably stress .. now, I know it's more than just stress. I can feel it.



I looked online for the symptoms of depression in teenagers. I did teenagers because even though I'm 18 and considered an adult, the age of 18 is only one year above 17, which is still considered a teenager. Thus, I'm closer to the teenage years then the adult years, and therefore think I would present the symptoms a teenager would. Anyway ... I checked the websites. The symptoms that they list .. I basically have all of them except for one or two. The only things that don't really apply to me are thoughts of death or suicide, or the irritability/anger part. Firstly, I have never thought that death or suicide was the answer to anything. I know it doesn't help, but actually makes things worse. Secondly, sometimes the websites will say that irritabilty and anger is the prominent emotion in teenage depression rather than sadness. However, I feel more sadness than anything else. But I do get angry and irritable ... though I think it might be because of work. Still, it is hard to tell what exactly is the cause of those feelings. Usually something happened at work to trigger them, which is normal. Still, they might be amplified due to the depression .. I don't know.



A lot of people assume that if you don't think about suicide or hurting yourself that you're not depressed. But that's really not true. While I don't think of committing suicide or hurting myself, I still believe I have a mild case of depression. I know it's there. I know that the way I feel is not just normal stress.



The thing is, I'm afraid to talk to my mom. I don't know how to do it. When I was younger, she would write off anything I told her. If her mind was made up, you couldn't convince her of anything else. Her way was the right way. It made it extremely difficult to talk to her about anything. She has changed a lot since my childhood. Still, the impression has been made already, and every time I feel the need to talk to her, I get scared. I know that my mom has been on and off antidepressants. I only know this because my dad happened to mention it one day. She knows I know, but never talks about it. She hides her medication. She never straight up told me either. I think she's embarrassed. And while this fact may make her more understanding, I'm afraid that she'll just write it off because it's not as severe as hers. That she'll say that it's just stress and that I couldn't possibly have depression. But a mild case of depression is still depression. I just don't know how to bring it up with her. I don't know how to talk to her about this stuff. I can't write to her because she'd just get mad. She wants me and my sister to feel like we can come and talk to her about anything and everything. Still, I don't feel that way. And I know my sister doesn't either. I'm just scared to bring it up. I'm scared of her reaction and what she will say. I'm scared that whoever I talk to won't believe me. I know I'm not a doctor and can't really diagnose myself. But .. somehow I just know. I know that's what it is. It doesn't help that my mom has it because that mean I'm genetically more prone to get it.



They also say that there's a trigger; that depression doesn't come out of nowhere. I know this is true. However, I have no idea what my trigger is. I think it's a combination of things. The fact that I have no friends now, the fact that I feel smothered and like I can't live my own life, I often feel like I have too much on my plate right now, but that I can't give any of the things up. I think that my stress also triggered it. That I wasn't really balancing my stress well and that it just got worse and worse and led to the depression.



I just need help. :/

COMMENTS

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SweetlyDecadent
22:31 Nov 21 2009

oh Sweetheart, I sending you all my love and hugs.

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Yesterday I was feeling pretty bad. Like there was this huge, heavy weight in my chest.



I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling sad and never really knowing why. I have ideas of why, but they're not definite. And it sucks because this happens often.



I just feel like crying. Not all the time, but a lot.



I mean ... ugh. I have a few ideas about why I've been feeling down recently ...



1. I have no friends. Despite what my boyfriend says, I really don't. I know that sounds .. pathetic. But seriously, it's not my fault. I don't party. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don't hook up. I don't chase after guys, especially when I am dating someone I'm in love with. I don't goof off at work. All those things combined somehow make everyone dislike me or not want to hang out with me or something. But really ... when you have to turn to alcohol and weed and sex in order to have fun, then you're the pathetic one. Sure, sex feels good. Sure, alcohol makes you funny. Sure, drugs make you mellow or crazy. But do you really need them in order to have fun? I think not. It's hard to be friends with people who do those things constantly when you don't, because you know when you hang out or whatever, they're going to want to do those things. But if you don't ... then suddenly you're no fun? And then guess what. Suddenly you have no friends. They all dropped you because you're a "prude" and you're "no fun."



I think that my good friend Alix is embarrassed of me. The one time I was going to go out with her and this girl Ashley from work ... we were going to go clubbing. Aka dancing. But instead things changed and we ended up going to a party. And while in the car, Ashley pulled out weed. I didn't even know she smoked. And when we got there ... I was so uncomfortable. Alix took two hits ... I just wanted to go home. I wanted to go home so badly that when they finally got out of the car to go to the party, I stayed in the car. Ashley was my ride back to Alix's house, and so I would have to wait. But Alix was like "you're my friend and I'm not going to leave you here by yourself." While that was really nice .. I think she was embarrassed of me. After all, who wants to be stuck with/friends with the girl who doesn't party? Anyway, she's replaced me with Meghan, a really nice and funny girl, but also a party girl. That's fine, I'll just be alone.



2. I can't live my own life. I know I'm just 18. Still, when your parents constantly contradict themselves .. it gets frustrating. Example, I want two small tattoos. One, not sure where, that has to do with music. Probably a treble clef of some sort. The other, angel wings on my back. Small ones. So I told my mom this, and she said, "Oh the music one would be cute. Maybe on like your foot or something. I've always wanted like a small ladybug on mine .. " And then when I actually ask her if I can get a tattoo? "I'd rather you didn't. We'll talk about it." Um what the hell? That doesn't even make any sense. She's like a helicopter: always hovering. She never leaves me alone. She won't let me live my own life. In order for me to do that I'd have to move out. And I just can't do that at this point. Still, I am tired of her not respecting me as an adult. I know that I'm responsible and mature enough to make my own decisions and deal with the consequences. I'm not an idiot. Apparently, she still thinks of me as if I were 13. I realize some parents have issues letting go. But my mom has more than an issue. I think she's obsessed with keeping us "protected." Which is complete bullshit. I'm tired of it.



3. I'm still overwhelmed. School, work, not being able to see Stephen because he won't let me come see him til school is over for the quarter. Grrr. It's just taking a toll on me. I know that once school is over I will be okay. But I still have a lot to do before it's over. I think like two more weeks or something. Ugh. I just wish I could fast forward through it. Even if it doesn't seem like much, it is. I'm going crazy. =/



I just wish the sadness would go away, and that everything would be okay again.

COMMENTS

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DeadHeir
20:28 Nov 11 2009

you know I have the same issues regarding the "being the one who doesn't drink and party" and all of that...eventually you'll find friends who are mature and understanding enough to respect your decision and they will love you anyway, and never treat you like any less of a person just because you choose to handle yourself differently in social situations. you know I have one of the greatest best friends I could possibly ask for, he drinks all the time, most of our friends smoke weed (atleast) not a single one of them every attempts to get me to do it...it's just a matter of maturity and respect from your friends, sweetheart.



we both know your mom loves you to death, and while she can be pretty protective and controlling, keep in mind all the nice things she has done for you (and for us, for that matter) before you say you dislike living with your parents...I agree, she could loosen the strings on you a little, but never take for granted what you have in that house. your family is a loving one, a lot of people don't have that. keep that in mind.



school is almost over for the quarter, and we'll see each other soon babe :) it'll be okay...once the quarter ends, you'll get a much needed break and be able to relax, re-center yourself and focus on next quarter. and we'll spend Thanksgiving together :D haha



I Love You, Baby. don't forget that :)

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it is too dark outside.



i thought i heard your voice once.

the wind rustling the trees sounds an awful like your whispers.



maybe i am going crazy.

no matter where i look, there you are.

the trampoline.

the lake.

the bench.

the sidewalk.

the sky.

the moon.

the trees.

the car.

the bed.

everywhere.

you are everywhere.



when i looked up at the stars, i thought i saw your smile.

that smirking smile, the one you do when you are amused.

the one that makes me smile, no matter what mood i am in.

it was a crazy thought.

the thought that maybe, somehow, the stars knew what your smile looked like.



the waves are in tune with my heart now.

i am thinking of how your heart would do that too.

when we were laying in bed,

it would somehow end up beating at the same time mine did.

it was magical.

but i don't believe in magic anymore.



someone out here is playing the radio.

it's some teenage pop song.

the kind that you would sing along to, no matter what it was, even if you really hated it.

and i would laugh and shake my head, and begin to sing along with you.

i can't bear to listen to music anymore.

each song is a song i can't hear you sing.



i think i will take a walk.

but even as i take this walk, you still occupy my mind.

i thought, maybe, that i would see you.

that you'd be there, like you always are at this time of night.

you weren't.



and i had to stop and think for a second.

what am i doing here?

i knew the answer.

i just wish that i didn't.



i walk home.

home.

where you should be.

but you're not.

and you never will be.

not again.



my hands are cold.

the clammy kind that everyone hates.

remember when your hands would hold mine?

hold me?

brush the hair from my face?

dance across my skin?

do you remember?

because i do.

but your touch is just a ghost now.



it's hard to breathe.

i am fine.

fine.

fine.

fine.



my chest hurts.

is this what it feels like?

to feel a pain so great, that you'd rather die?

because i would die right now,

if only to rid you from my mind.



i don't want to cry.

still i feel the wetness on my cheeks.

and when i look out into the dark sky, all i see is you.

you.

you.

you.

you.

you.



but there is no you, really.



there is only me.

COMMENTS

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PneumaticEnd
20:06 Nov 08 2009

That's really beautiful, Jen..

Painfully beautiful. ♥

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afullmetalwar
04:23 Jan 23 2010

it's good... flow is good,

i give it a 12/15

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singing is a part of my life. i am almost always singing something. i just .. love it. it's a big passion.



so naturally during high school i was in choir all four years. i LOVED it. it was so fun, and exciting, and i got to do something that i love every single day. choir also bettered me as a singer.



sadly, now that i'm in college and am working a lot of the time, i don't have time to be in a music class or in a choir.



my sister is a junior in high school and is also in choir. while she doesn't have the passion that i have for it, she still enjoys choir a lot.



the choir teacher that i had all four years of high school left after i graduated, so my high school obtained a new teacher.



tonight was their first concert and they sang tons of songs and apparrently the concert was phenomenal. it just makes me miss choir even more.



this guy takes choir more seriously. he wants them to sound extremely well, and he really challenges them. all the choirs get to sing amazing and challenging songs, and i know that he is bettering each and every one of them as singers.



sigh. i just miss choir. a lot. :/

The Good.



Stephen is .. amazing. I really couldn't be happier. Being with him is a dream come true. He is everything I have been looking for, everything I have ever wanted. He is caring, loving, understanding, funny, intelligent, serious when needed ... the list goes on. I could not be with a better man. Tomorrow will be one month, and I can honestly say that it has been the best month of my life so far. Stephen is someone I can be myself around. He's always there for me when I need him. He never brings me down, and always encourages and pushes me to be the best that I can be. And even though it has barely been a month, I can already say that I love him. Some people think I'm crazy. Others think that I don't really love him. But if you think about it, there really isn't a time limit as to when you can say it. If you mean it, why not say it? I don't really understand why people think you have to be with a person for a really long time to actually love them. Love is an unexpected and random thing. And it isn't as though I don't know Stephen ... We've had our ups and downs. We know each others flaws and still accept one another and still care for each other. Stephen is the light in my dark, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He can always make me laugh and smile. He can always cheer me up. He always makes me feel better. He betters me as a person. He makes me feel as though I can do anything. When I am in his arms, I feel at home. If that isn't love, then please, tell me what is.



The Bad.



Work. Target is the devil. I'm afraid to tell them about my changed schedule after the month of December. Winter Quarter starts at CSUB, and my schedule is completely different than for Fall Quarter. I just hope they're understanding. If they're not, I will probably have to quit. They're supposed to be pro-school. But, I still have issues with them occasionally. Not to mention that they're so strict with missing punches and hitting your fifth hour. I realize that it's to protect themselves, but come on. You could be a little bit more lenient. Especially with the missing punches thing. It's not my fault that your time clock is on the fritz and not recording my punches. I know I always clock in for work, out for lunch, in for lunch, out for work. The end. I never miss a punch, so the clock shouldn't be saying that I'm not doing so. And .. work in general is just frustrating me. I have never been so stressed about something in my entire life. The team leads don't understand that softlines works differently than the rest of the store. And, just because you see us talking to each other doesn't mean we're gossiping. In fact, we are usually statusing with each other. Lay off.



The Ugly.



School ..... blah. I waited too long to register for classes and they were almost all full. Scary. I found three classes to take, and hopefully things work out with them. I'll be taking a communications class (gender and communications), an anthropology class (intro to anthropology), and a history class (making of the modern world 1790 to present). Fun stuff right? Only that taking those three classes takes up my mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. And then I bet that work will take up the rest of my free time. I thought about quitting. I'm not a quitter, but if Target doesn't cut me some slack soon, I will die. I wouldn't be able to see Stephen, or complete my schoolwork. I am already way far behind in my current math class thanks to Target and their crazy, five-hours-short-of-full-time hours for me :/



In all, things are okay .. for now. I just hope that somehow, some way, they get much better. The only really good thing right now is Stephen, and I know for a fact that I refuse to let anything get in the way of that. He and I both deserve this happiness that we have found with each other, and I refuse to let that go so I can work at Target. Forget that.

COMMENTS

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PneumaticEnd
20:51 Nov 06 2009

Aaah.. Stephen.. You've got a good one on your hands.

A great friend, he's helped me through a lot.

A lucky one you are.

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