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I don't want to be one of those people always harping on about how a year has just flown by, but to be absolutely honest, this year has flown by. I can't believe we're less than a week away from Halloween at this point. This year hasn't been the easiest, with the passing of Logan's mother, it's just felt like one blow after another has been dealt to my future family. Things have been so unbelievably hard, and the battles aren't even close to being over. But, i feel like things will start getting better soon. They have to, right? It can't rain all the time, after all... I just wish those clear skies were even remotely viable right now, not just the all encompassing black clouds bringing the storm. But, I keep hope. Things won't be like they were supposed to be, I know that, I have hope that we'll be able to make something from all this...distruction. As long as we're together, I think we'll come out of this stronger.

With that said, we're nearing the end of yet another year. It's not just the loss of Logan's mother that has made things hard. It's my own family, and seeing where I stand with people I once thought loved me unconditionally. Apparently I was wrong, as I've had to cut multiple people out on both sides, and while I say I'm fine with it, God, does it fucking hurt. Coming out for who I am, I never thought it would ever be such an issue, but it has been. They could accept that I was bisexual, I came out with that at such a young age, but me being non-binary? That's a line for some of them. And I've said it before, I'm not confused, I'm not jumping on a bandwagon. I'm 38 years old, I should know myself by now. And this part of me, this part I kept locked up for so long, I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to be myself, my whole self. I don't regret making that decision. I'm glad I did. I am so proud of myself for finally taking that step, opening that door, and presenting all of me to the world. It's just so hard knowing that my authentic self isn't appropriate for some people. I've never done anything but accept my family, faults and all, always with open arms, but when I ask for the same in return? I get hit with the whole, I respect you, but I don't accept that kind of lifestyle and I don't want my kids around it. Utterly heartbreaking. So much so, that I'm fully removing myself from any and all family gatherings that aren't being put on by my immediate family. I don't know if I'll ever be able to welcome those people back into my life. If you don't accept me for who I am, really, what's the point in maintaining contact? I'll move to Texas with Logan and just drift away from my extended family.

I didn't intend to write all of this. I was just musing on how quickly the year has gone by, how quickly so much has changed for both Logan and I. And I think I just want to get away from all of it. Now more than ever. The ties that have kept me in place for all of my life have finally broken enough that leaving the state, moving 1,300 miles away, is all I want. I guess I've just been holding on to so much, not really having a place I could fully vent and get things off my chest, has just gotten to me. Its not easy, trying to be strong all the time. The cracks have begun to show, and more often than not, I'm breaking down. But, I have to keep my chin up and keep going, day by day, step by step, I'll get to where I finally belong in time.

All I can do right now is keep on keeping on. Be there for the family that does accept me, and keep being there for Logan and his family. We'll all get through this. It can't rain all the time.

The LA Haunted Hayride was actually really fun. I realize now that the small to medium Halloween events are probably the most I can honestly do. These things are a sensory overload at times, and if we paid money to go to Knott's or Universal, or Six Flags, I don't think I'd have fun. I can't do constant strobe lights in my face, or heavy smoke from the smoke machines, or the uneveness of the ground I'm walking on. I twisted my ankle a bit in one of the mazes, and it made walking a bit annoying for the rest of the night. So yeah, smaller was definitely the way to go, and I'm glad Logan took that into consideration when he got us the tickets. I really enjoyed the scare actors at the event, they always make these things great. I don't get scared by people at these kinds of things. I think that stems from my own past experience working a Halloween event way back when at the Pomona Fairplex. Or, maybe I'm just old and people popping out of the dark doesn't bother me. And, they did such a great job, super into what they were doing, and you could tell how much fun they were having. Logan did get me a cute little bat named Boris, a super soft plush. So, that was nice. Overall, I really enjoyed it. The atmosphere alone was amazing, the lights in the trees, the darkness of Griffith Park overall, the haze from all the smoke machines. Logan and I really loved the ambiance above everything else. But yeah, super enjoyable. I'm wasn't at all disappointed with the evening.

I asked for spooky stuff to do, and Logan delivered. I had to sign a waver for the LA Haunted Hayride in Griffith Park. He got us tickets for Saturday night, and I'm super stoked and cannot wait! It looks like it'll be lots of fun, with mazes and things to do. I'm excited. This is the first time we'll actually be doing anything spooky related in the nearly 4 years we've been together.

Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day!


Because Christopher Columbus was a shit person who committed atrocities and literally never set foot on North America (he only set foot on South America). He didn't "discover" anything, as people were already living and existing in these lands before he ever showed up. So, fuck that guy.

It's really beginning to feel like autumn here in SoCal. The temperatures are dropping, the chilly breezes are kicking up, and rain! I wish the leaves changed here like they do in other places, but it's so gradual here due to how warm it is. At least, weather wise, it's really beginning to get that autumnal feeling. Also, the fact that it's getting dark earlier makes me so freaking happy. I'm like one of the few people I personally know who actually loves when it's pitch black outside at 5 PM. It just fills my little black heart up with joy.

These last three months are honestly my favorite time of the whole year. You go from Halloween to Día de los Muertos to Thanksgiving (although I don't technically celebrate Thanksgiving) to Christmas. I think, for Día de los Muertos, since it falls on a weekend I'm with Logan this year, I might take him to the cemetery where my great-grandmother, great-grandfather, and my great-uncle are buried and where my step-grandfather's ashes are interred. He's never been with me to visit my family, so I think it would be nice for him to "meet" them. And I haven't been to their graves since last year, so it's way overdue. It's just hard to get out to LA to visit them often, but I want to do more while I'm still here and able. It's these little things I always take for granted, because, for the motlst part, I've always been here. But with the move still happening, I won't always have this opertunity,so it's important for me to visit as much as I'm able, leave flowers, show that I love them all so very much and that they are missed.

COMMENTS

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
16:21 Oct 13 2025

You can add me to the list of people who loves when it is dark out at 5 pm. It is still warm here, which bums me out, but the leaves are starting to change and I've heard that perhaps next week we may start having the cooler temps. I can't wait! This last three months are also my favorite time as well.

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I have been roped into seeing Rush with my mother next June. I'm not a fan, but she really wanted to go so I said I'd go with her. Well, she got the tickets earlier this evening. The concert is at the Kia Forum, and seats aren't bad, they're one section over from where Logan and I sat when we saw Stevie Nicks. I'm just not exatclty sure if Logan and I will still actually be in California when the concert rolls around. I mean, even if we are in Texas, I'll make the trip out here to go, of course. So yeah... Yay or something. I just wanted to do this with my mom because she has so little that makes her truly happy, and this concert will give her a fun night out.

As it's October, and all the spooky season things are going on, Logan and I have been trying to figure out fun things we can do together, as this is likely our last Halloween here in California. I've always wanted to go to Knott's or Universal for their nighttime spooky stuff, but man, is that shit expensive. $70+ for a single ticket, plus parking which, depending on which park we're at, could cost $40+, then you have food, drinks, any merch... It all adds up. Even the even at the Queen Mary is still around the same price for a ticket, plus parking, food and drinks... It all adds up. So, I don't know. While I've always wanted to go to one of these things, I don't know if it'll happen. Part of me is a bit sad about it, but then the other part of me is like, we could stay home, eat candy and watch scary movies with Masque. And honestly, that sounds like an amazing idea. He also let me know that Willow invited us to their Halloween party on Halloween, which might be fun to go to. Or maybe not. Parking in the Hollywood Hills is bad on its own, add on that it's a holiday, it might just be too much of a hassle. So yeah. While I'm eager to do fun spooky things with Logan, I just don't know if it's really worth it to drop the kind of cash it would take. A couple hundred bucks doesn't seem like a lot, but that's just for one event, for one single evening. And with everything going on right now, I just don't think it's really worth it. Maybe we'll just go do some mini golf again like the first Halloween we were together.

There's also the whole thing with Christmas that we still have to figure out, as well. Since I've cut so much of my family off recently, I don't want to be around people who don't respect me as a person. So, meh, I'm not doing Christmas Eve with my mom's family this year. And maybe not ever again, if I'm being completely honest. I don't want to be around people who think so lowly of me like some of my cousins do. I also don't want to be around the blatant racism and antisemitism (blaming "the Jews" for literally everything bad happening, despite us being from a Jewish family) they're all so comfortable showing these days. That's not what I'm about and I'd just rather not attend than try to play nice with people who think people like me shouldn't exist. So yeah... Yay, holidays...