The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

a confusing childhood, a suicidal girl.

growing up not wanting anything but to be like other girls.

when i felt like the victim it was much easier to fit in.

but now that i realize,

that it happend then and theres nothing i can do now, its harder to fit in.

i never really trusted anyone, and i still dont.

whenever i do trust anyone they use it against me.

life is a lot easier when you dont trust, you dont care, and you try not to love.

like a barbie doll, very misunderstood by many people.

i just want to go away somewhere in which nobody knows me.

i would start all over.

i open my heart to you, you crawl in, and leave me empty.

i have no feelings, i dont care.

the world is turning black because of people like you.

some day we will all die in your dreams and you will regret taking everyones soul.

open your door, let me in your bread basket, i want to see your picnic world.

it would be like a dream to me to see that side of you.

tell me what i can do to banish your hatred and uncontrollable rage.

you think i dont understand, but i do.

but now all i feel is hatred towards you.

they expect too much from me.

they set the stakjes too high.

how am i supposed to live my life

if all i feel are lies?

i have to cover for all i do.

they compare me with my siblings,

i have two.

ive never understood why i feel this way.

but ever since i have,

its always been dismay.

ever since then,

i try to hide my tears through laughter.

all i know is to the one you are with age isnt anything but a number.

love shouldnt be complicated,

unless more than two are involved, which always seems to be the case.

i still cant find my place.

there isnt a trace of a familiar face,

two.

this empty cell only consumes my mind and body but not my soul.

i fall further and further away from myself the more i try to figure me out.

i pain i feel inside shouldnt be locked away.

my cries for help are too soft to be heard, or so deafiningly loud people are scared to listen.

empty thoughts fill my eyes, color drains from my skin, energy flushes out of my soul.

my sun hasnt shown in years.

my love for life has never been and my hope for happiness has been lost forever,

but for you i am alive.

the screams,the cries, the tears that drip down my face so profusely.

the guilt, the loneliness, the unbearable way of life.

the constant hate, the shame, the way i feel so dirty after each guy touches me.

the want, the need, the love i dont get from anyone of them.

the pale, sad body i have to look at in the mirror is me.

the lies, the crazy night, the hope that they will go away.

the fear i feel when night falls and memory comes into place.

the regret, the wishes, the constant pain i feel

every day, every week. every single month.

the question is is it my fault?

i fear that it may be.

in his arms he holds me,

i feel so safe and so free.

so loved and actually cared for,

but then he doesnt look at me.

he found a new,

but it felt so true.

im just another crying heart,

to be tortured by you.

we do this like its for fun,

we play like we dont care,

we seem to just mess around,

but the truth is your forbidden.

but i want you to be mine,

but i wish you were here,

you could be sacred no more.

you could be more than a dream.

you could vanquish all of my fears.

love should be everlasting,

love should be more than a game,

love should never be hidden.

hate will be let out,

hate will be exchanged,

hate will never die.

my hate will remain and stain,

my hate will prevail,

my hate will be infectous.

i have my feelings out,

i have my head down,

i have my death in a book.

he will be with me,

he will make it better,

he will be mine.

she should come out and be free,

she shouldnt hide,

she should tell him.

her heart may never heal.

her feelings will remain.

her breakage will only be healed one way.

they were meant for eachother.

they were destined.

they never met.

telling me this,

feeding me lies,

stomping on my heart,

slowly watching me drfit and die,

who do you think you are?

not talking to me,

not listening to a word i say,

not ever changing,

coming back to me,

who do you think you are?

stabbing me in the back,

turning away,

not asking whats wrong,

not caring whether i live or fade,

who do you think you are?

ignoring me,

treating me like im worthless,

thinking you're better than me,

trying to take my happiness away,

who do you think you are?

saying hurtful things,

getting on my last nerve,

turning into a slut,

trying to be me,

who do you think you are?

wanting what i have,

stealing my happiness,

robbing my heart,

ripping and tearing at my soul,

who do you think you are?

for you i stay good; i dont kill

for you im smart; i dont lip off

for you i try hard; i dont cry

you know its hard.

for you i love; i only love you

for you i am ok; i stay alive

for you i stay on track; i stay here

you are why.

for you i dont hate; dread bad times

for you i am faithful; only you

for you have my heart; all of it

you know i love you.

only for you,

only for love,

only for us,

im feeling higher than the stars.

only cuz i feel so good,

only cuz im happy,

only cuz we care about eachother,

im only here for you.

only if you love me,

only if you care,

only if you try,

you know i try for you.

why cant i do it?

why dont i try?

why cant i cry?

the reason is you.

why dont i cut?

why dont i run away?

why dont i die?

the reason is you.

why do i try so hard?

why should i?

why dosent this hurt?

the reason is you.

why do i care?

why am i alive?

why do i love?

the reason is you.

why does it feel so good?

why does it make me stronger?

why is hate so hard now?

the reason is you.

why dont i try to be gone?

why dont i feel alone?

why am i happy all of the time?

the reason is you.

why dont words hurt me?

why do i find myself in a new world?

why do i get this feeling?

the reason is you.

he makes me happy,

he kisses away my tears,

he fights my fears,

he makes it all go away,

he helps me stay alive,

he gives me hope and strength,

i hope he loves me fore me; i hope this is real.

he stays for love,

he stays for me,

he stays cuz he cares,

he stays with open arms,

he stays without words,

he stays but with fear.

i dont know why.

he knows the consequences,

he knows how i feel,

he knows i love him for him,

he knows why i stay,

he knows this isnt a game to me,

he knows this is hard for me.

i hope he knows.

i hope he knows i am in fear,

i hope he knows i am weakening,

i hope he knows i cry everyday,

i hope he knows it hurts more,

i hope he knows people shove it in my face,

i hope he knows i want him more all of the time.

well now he knows.

it doesnt matter anymore,

hurtful things put aside,

everything forgotten,

and still nothing said.

pouring my heart out,

giving you everything i have,

trying to be my best for only you,

and still nothing said.

loving you more than ever thought possible,

fufilling you fantasies; trying my hardest,

having to be strong,

and still nothing said.

life is meeningless without you,

i have no feelings for another; not like this,

going to die,

and still nothing said.

i never thought it would come to this,

your past kills me,

im sorry i cant be her,

and still nothing said.

your love for her still remains,

emptiness fills my soul,

blood fills my eyes,

and still nothing said.

do you not care anymore?

did this meen nothing?

are you listening?

and still nothing said.

i dont want this to happen,

i love you,

i could feel your happiness and smile,

and still nothing said.

tearing, ripping, shattered.

torn, sliced, shredded.

vigorously going at me,

like i have no feelings but you dont know all that i've been through.

i hope you are haveing fun because you can't hurt me.

i've endored lies,

beatings, watching my loved ones die.

i have survived it all.

I tried suiced once, i would have tried it again,

but its no use.

i am already dead, deep inside.

yelling, hitting, scratching, burning, bleeding.

feeling like the most disgusting thing alive.

judgements, feeling excluded from a real life.

dying slowly, dying on purpose.

is it considered suicide?

certain times are for certain moments.

you cant deny destiny,

so i hope you learn from what you are doing to me, and all of the other people in our lives realize what you have turned into.

with someone as blind as you, it's hard to have a conversation with them.

well i give up,

ive had enough.