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so you know how even though everyone's family is fucked up, well mine is especially fucked up; through all of it I still love all of them, and not in the obligatory sense, I actually love and care about them. The only thing is that I love them all individually but when we are asked to come together and function anywhere near normal, I hate my family and am embarrassed to call them as such. For the past few weeks I haven't really seen them, talked to them or even tried to make contact of any kind with them. About five minutes before I walked through the door to greet them after weeks of abscence I actually felt myself missing them and all of the crazy that we cause. Then I walk through the door and what do I see; an utter mess.

In my family we each play a role, I play the role of the rock, the only real stable and reliable source in my family and they count of me to stay as such, to be the good student to be the example for my not-so-valedictorian younger sister. This role that I have let myself play has had unfortunate consiquences for me and has made me, well lets just put it as wound up sometimes.

Anyway, so when I came home I realized that they really weren't functioning well without me there and they were very out of sorts. this of course makes me feel guilty that I have to be here in order for their lives to be organized. What about when I go to college, I am certainly not compromising one of the most important experiences of my life so that they can all be happy, fuck them!

But as for this weekend visit, I can't wait to leave again when my life can actually be fun and I can be happy.

being with a group of friends can always be tough, especially when you are there as an extra member. To explain more clearly, when you are with a group of people who are with each other regularly and will be seeing more of each other, you happen to be the one person who is visiting or intruding on the party.

this becomes even more difficult when you have made a great deal of effort to be there. other variables may come into play but regaurdless it makes you feel ignored, disgaurded like trash.

Not only this but someone who has serious self esteem issues this is only another hard blow to the person's view of themselves. You ask yourself, are you fun enough? Do you not fit in? What about you made them stray away from you? Is it the way you look? Is it the way that you speak? Who you are friends with? Or could it just be that they were tolerating you from the beginning?

All of these questions come to mind and I really dont have anby answers but then I fight with myself asking should I ask all of those questions or keep them inside as I usually do and passively let people get to me and make me go crazy.

At this point I am left feeling slightly better that my feelings have been blurted out through this journal but I have never been able to satisfy these questions.

I wonder how i ever will. it could possibly cause me to go insane, i guess only time will tell me the answers to the questions that I have been asking myself ever since I began my social life.

COMMENTS

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Timiroth
17:21 Jul 05 2009

Simply amazing, u pour ur heart into it i rarely see that anymore

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