The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

You know somone has used too much bleach when I'm down stairs and they're upstairs and it's giving me a headache.

I'm NEVER getting wireless interenet! Damn I'm tired of the phone interfering with my connection.

March 25th it's Three Days Grace, Seether, and Breaking Benjamin. Holy fuckin' hell if I can swing it I'm so there! As of now I'm planning on it.

Damn nosebleeds, I really should start using my nasal spray...

When you're talking to someone on the phone and they say "Hey I have to go" do you keep trying to go on at them? Damn that pisses me off.

COMMENTS

-

---

Daire
22:39 Feb 29 2008

I know someone like that.

---

POST COMMENT

Oh damn, I just remembered that I have to buy new shoes for work.... Shit. So on the list of things to do this weekend....



Finish fixing my brakes

Buy a new pair of shoes

Move in with my brother temporarily (just until I get my first paycheck if they pay biweekly, second if they pay weekly)

Buy a new razor



That's it for now, I think.

I feel like doing a little happy dance. All things considered it may not be the most appropriate reaction but oh well. *does a happy jig in chair* lol

It's something that I can't emphasize how truly important it is. Without it relationships of any kind are nothing. From the most basic friendship to marriage communication is necessary.

Someone read my post about being single on another site I'm on and they were hurt. It's the girl I've been seeing but I didn't realize it would affect them like it did. How was I supposed to know? They kept giving me the run around. Honestly I don't think it hurt them as much as they say but none the less I feel like shit. Even if I didn't think we'd do well in a relationship I didn't want to lose their friendship. I guess that's just something I brought on myself. I should have thought about how they'd react to seeing that. Yet, somehow I just really don't feel like I care right now. It's like my compassion has been turned off for them...

Dang, now I'm seeing a lot of affordable places in Des Moines. This is probably going to be a lot easier than I thought.

Wow, big time total deja vu moment as I went to post a note on my facebook page...

Have you ever been struck with an epiphany? It’s like having a bright light suddenly turned on in your face but nowhere near as painful. I had one… I’m single. I know that’s not something you can just suddenly realize, let me finish. I’ve been stressin’ because I made a promise to a girl several years back when I was about 11 or 12 that I would wait for her. I didn’t fully keep that promise but I did keep it in part. Then there’s the fact that I’m still in a bit of pain from my most recent break up. On top of that there’s the deal with the girl I’d been seeing recently. It was all there and just weighing me down. Then suddenly it wasn’t and I came to a few realizations. The girl I made the promise to has forgotten it and I don’t think she’d be hurt by the fact that I haven’t been able to entirely keep it. As for the recent ex, well, pain doesn’t just disappear but I need to stop thinking about the pain and it’ll help. I just need to stop worrying about the stuff with the girl I’ve been seeing, I’ve done my part and the rest is on her now. I am single and even though I’d rather be in a relationship with someone I can be happy like this. I should learn to enjoy being 1 and then maybe I’ll be better when I’m 2 again. I keep holding myself back because I keep worrying about being single or not being single. I used to love flirting and what not but now I keep worrying that they’ll get feelings for me and I won’t have them for them or vice versa. It’s time I just had some fun and if somethin’ happens then hey it happens. It’s not like I didn’t already know all this but today for some reason I just suddenly felt it instead of knowing it.

It's something we all need. Nobody would ever do anything without some sort of motivation. Sometimes people don't know what their motivation is for doing something but that doesn't mean there isn't one. It even takes motivation to get out of bed and also to keep living. So I've been thinking about this latel, I've been thinking I don't have any and that I need to find one. That's not true, I do have one. What is it? As of right now my only motivation is that I'm one stubborn s.o.b. I'm probably the most stubborn mother fucker you could ever meet. That's what gets me up and keeps me going, it's just not in me to quit or give up. That's also part of what makes me so formidable.

I recently went out to go dancing but I never did. Today I just got to thinking about it. The last time I danced I was 14 maybe 15. I was at the bar where my mom worked, we used to go there to hang out and shoot pool. There was a woman who always used to go there and my brother and I would play teams against her and her friend, her name was Estelle. One night they had a dj and she asked me to dance. I don't know why but she refused to take no for an answer, after a while she got tired of asking and decided to make me. She got my brother, my sister, and my sister's bf and they ALL dragged me onto the dance floor. Once she got me there she wouldn't let me go until we had danced through two songs. The only other time I can remember dancing with someone was when I was a few years younger. It was with someone I came to care for more than I think she's ever realized. I remember we used to dance to Indian Outlaw. Everytime I think about that I smile, it's a happy memory and one of very few. I do enjoy dancing, even if it doesn't seem like it. What I saw at that club wasn't dancing, not as I would call it anyway. It was dry sex. When I think of dancing I actually think of dancing, not humping some stranger on the dance floor. Maybe I'm just weird that way.

I feel rather pathetic here lately. Though you wouldn't know it to talk to me or being around me, it doesn't take much to bring tears to my eyes. It wasn't that long ago that I had come to think I couldn't cry. That was because I didn', even when I felt I needed to. I still don't cry but often I feel my eyes water. It really doesn't take a lot these days. I figure that's just part of being sad. Before any of you out there think it, I am not depressed. There is a difference between sad and depressed, I am sad. That's more than likely the difference between now and then. I never used to get sad, even when I was in the room with my grandmother when she died I did not get sad. I loved her dearly but it really didn't affect me. I wish it would stop now, all of it. I'm tired of feeling like this. I don't think it will, it has no reason to. They say it's common for sadness to masquerade as anger and I never used to understand that. I had never really experienced it, now that I have I do. When I get to feeling really sad I get angry. It's an internal anger though. I just wish it would stop... *sighs*

Right at this moment I really do just feel like giving up...

*sighs*

Damn it, I feel like shouting "HEY! I'M HERE! COME TALK TO ME!" I miss talking to her, I really just feel like I've lost my best friend.

Interesting is in the eye of the reader, imagine it from my eyes...

Sometimes I think that if the battery in my mp3 player wouldn't die and I had enough music that I would never stop walking.



I really enjoyed my walk, even if it was a little short. I may end up going back out tonight, it's beautiful out. I feel a freedom when I go out on my walk that I just can't explain, it's become more profound lately. *sighs*

I remember Cassiday, Chris, and I sitting at the lunch table playing narrative rp games. It was fun. I miss rping, I would get back into it if I could. We even got a little fancy for a short time, Cassiday would actually draw characters and we basically designed them. It was always fun. I suppose that's why I always liked the trading card games. Hell, I'd still get into Magic if I had anyone around to play with. If I ever got back into trading card games I'd have to rebuild my decks since I don't have a single card these days, I sold them off some time ago when I needed the money

I wish that one of my friends was around to hang with or hell, I'd take them being on msngr to talk with.

Wow, I feel special.... I just had a thread that the system closed due to length... lol. Hey, it's the first time that's happened to one of my threads. Not to mention that it happened on the seventh day, one week! woohoo, lol.

I want to say I'm done with relationships but I know that's not true. At least this time I didn't invest any emotion into it yet. I'm just tired of the shit.



The first girlfriend I had we were really still to young but you know. That one only ended because we went our seperate ways, literally. The second girlfriend I had I have no clue why she broke up with me. We were best friends after until life got in the way, I think we'd still be friends if we had been able to keep it that way. The third girlfriend I was with broke up with me for another guy and then we went back out a few months later. I think it was all just bullshit really, we've been goin out again here recently and that's all it's been this time. The fourth girlfriend I had, well, I fell in love with her. The problem was that there was too much distance between us, literally and life kept getting in the way. Even though I know she didn't mean to, she broke my heart.



Now, I don't know, fuck. I'm just so tired of being alone. I want someone to be affectionate with, I want to be in a position to be romantic. I want to enjoy spending time with someone who enjoys spending time with me. I want someone to truly fall in love with me and for me to be in love with them. I don't want to just jump into a relationship with them though, I want things to work there way that direction, ya know? My first choice is obviously out, so... *sighs* I don't know where to start though and I'm beginning to think it's just not going to happen.

I decided to put some genuine effort into it and this is what I get. Fuck it, I don't fuckin' care. I'm feelin' really pissed off right now.

YES! I just finished downloading the stuff I need to play mu, I think I'm going to go see if I can (I'm not sure because my comp is running a little slow). Unfortunately this means signing out of my msngrs so I guess people will have to call me if they want to talk.

I've decided I'm going to start playing mu again. Seems like something to do.

I've decided that I'm definitely going to attempt to organize a meet up for Iowans and neighbors. I'm going to wait a little bit though. I need to do some research and figuring out first.

I contemplate the world and mankind both as it was and as it is. I see what we were and what we should be able to be. It would seem that mankind's potential has been lost, buried by the "advancement" of civilization. I fear it will only stay lost unless something were to happen, some sort of movie style apocalypse. I think that's pretty much the only way to resurrect mankind's true self. Looking at the greater picture I would say that civilization is decaying. Every "advance" we make taking us further from what we could be. It does not make sense to turn down what such things bring us in this day though. It would take a large majority doing that for it to do any good and just a few doing so will only make things worse for them and no better for anyone else.

*sighs*

I never used to be such a jealous person, what happened? I first noticed yesterday when I was out with the girl I've been dating (*sighs* I know I know), she was checking out some guy and that made me jealous. This morning I'm reading a blog from the first girl friend I ever had and she's talking about this "great guy" and I started getting pissed off at him, that's fuckin' stupid. I don't even have feelings for her anymore and I'm jealous of her boy friend, what the fuck? That's not all of it either. What's happened to me? I never used to be the type to get jealous at all, let alone over girls I'm not into.

Ok so just writing it isn't going to work either. *sighs* I don't know, I need to figure something out. Even though I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep for a few hours I'm going to lie down. I'd really rather talk to someone right now, just a decent conversation would be nice.

I feel so freakin' tired right now but I won't be able to sleep. I think I'll do some writing, maybe someone will come on msngr for me to talk with.

Wait, I just noticed that I'm back to being on 8 friend lists again. I know that's not an amazing number but I still wonder who most of them are.

I've been trying to figure out why I have so much trouble writing my story when I see it all so clearly in my head. It finally occurred to me that I need to just right it and go over it when I'm done instead of trying to perfect it as I go. I just keep messing myself up, getting frustrated, and then not working on it for too long and that forces me to start over. Enough is enough, I need to just write it and see what I've got because I can always go back and fix what I need to when I'm done.

To read my journal you wouldn't see the truth of my screen name here. The thing is, nobody sees the truth of it. Those who know me in person see the placid unless they push the wrong button but that hasn't happened in forever, anyone on here is going to see the chaos because I use this to help store all the shit in my head and they never see me in person.

Wow. Ok I was just reading over the post I left in my journal at around 2 a.m. Damn. It started as another emo moment, the emo only lasted a few seconds and turned into me being pissed off. I was mostly pissed at myself.



I may have found an apartment that's only about a 10 minute drive from the job. If my info is correct it's only 335 a month and the deposit and all that is income based...?? I'm not sure. I haven't had the chance to look at them yet but I'm hoping that they'll turn out to be what I'm looking for. If so then boo-fuckin'-yah, I'll be set for now.

How pathetic am I? I keep sinking back down to wallowing in my pain and despair. I keep getting out of it and doing good and then I fall right back in. Why? I remember seeing other people doing the same thing once and I remember thinking that if they really wanted to they could get out of it. Willpower, I always said it's willpower. I have nearly endless willpower and yet I keep going through it. What fucking use is all that will when it won't fix this? I have seriously considered suicide just to get the relief it would bring but I can't. Damn it I can't. Why the fuck not? Shouldn't I get some relief? I just want it to fucking stop already! I want to stop thinking about that one person or for it to stop causing me so much pain when I do. I want to not have to struggle so hard to get on my feet. I can't end it all because I have goals and a purpose and Damn it I WILL fucking achieve them! I don't give a FUCK! Then I see that people I care about suffering and I can't do shit and it pisses me the fuck off. I really am at my limit. I don't have patience for my shit and let alone anyother mother fuckers. Shit, I'm tired of my own whining. Get the fuck over it. So I can't move on, boo-fuckin'-hoo. I still need to stop making it harder for myself. I love her and she doesn't love me, that's just part of life I guess. Life IS a highway and it's high time I stopped asking for directions and/or sittin' on the side of the road.

COMMENTS

-

---

Sinora
08:36 Feb 27 2008

Stop being so hard on yourself, it's called being human.

---

POST COMMENT

Well, I suppose I should be off to bed since I'm going to get up in a few hours.

I think I should just break it off now. I mean, she REALLY has no clue what she wants and I'm that if I vest any emotion in her I'm going to be hurt. I honestly don't think she's anymore ready for a relationship now than she was about a year ago. The thing is I don't want to hurt her and I think ending it will. *sighs* Damn I wish it could just be easy.

I found out today that my cousin and some of her friends are going to be going to a concert that I'm hoping to go to. If I do go like I want I might hang with them. I'm wondering if I should ask the girl I've been dating if she wants to go, I know that she doesn't like one of the bands that's going to be playing but I don't know if she likes the other two...

I've been dating this girl for a few weeks now. I've noticed that we get along better in person than talking online. I wonder why? Ehhh, who knows?

Ok, I went through a super-emo moment a little bit ago. It was really bad and just hit me all of a sudden. Thankfully there was someone there for me to talk to when it did and it didn't last very long. *sighs and shakes head at self* I need to stop letting things get to me so much. Plus, they may have provided me with a solution.

It's interesting how loneliness and difficulty can make you feel like being self-centered.

I hate being in a position where the choices I make depend on the choices of others. I'm beginning to feel like I should just give up on life. It seems like no matter what I'm fucked. I'm just so tired of dealing with shit. What's the point? It's just beginning to seem like no matter what I do there's going to be some obstacle that keeps me from succeeding. Right now I'm also just feeling so extremely lonely and somewhat rejected.

COMMENTS

-

---

Bones
01:33 Feb 27 2008

It's called challenge. Or if you prefer... Life!

---

POST COMMENT

*slaps self on head* Why do I keep trying to leave comments when I know I can't? *shakes head at self* I guess that's one of those things I'm never going to get used to.



I talked to my brother the other day about basically where I'm at with relationships and I was kinda seeking his advice. He basically told me to do what I was already doing. I guess him telling me I'm doing the right thing makes it easier. Forget about the married woman, keep trying to move on from my ex, and go with what I've got to see where it goes. *sighs*



I'm out working on my car today, damn. I'm taking the brake pads off the front so I can replace them but it's taking forever! Fuck I wish I could afford to take it to a mechanic. I wouldn't mind it but getting down on the wet/snowy ground to work on a car isn't fun.

I was just watching In The Army Now, it's been years since I've watched it. It cracks me up a little because the base they film on when they do the BCT is the base where I went for my BCT. There were a couple things I recognized from it too.

I'm becoming more and more tempted to call Her...

I never really have figured out what the deal is. The longer I'm awake the more hyper I get, it gets worse with the more things I'm worrying about. I tend to flap my yap like none other when I'm like that too. Not to mention that I type super fast at those times. It's kinda strange, most people are the opposite. Energy comes from rest and sleep but that's not so for me. Usually for me sleep helps level me back out. If I don't lie down to sleep I just keep going and going and picking up speed until I crash, lol. If I should ever figure out how to avoid that crash without sleep then woe to the world, lol. Could you imagine me running on no sleep for a month? Holy fuck that would be scary. There really would be no stopping me! I would just keep getting more and more hyper and dear god I can't even imagine what that would be like. Hey, do you suppose maybe that's why I need to eat more and more the less I sleep? Maybe my metabolism gets higher and that's what causes the hyperness or perhaps the hyperness causes me to go use more energy and my metabolism kicks it up to keep up? It could be both... That would explain it. I get hyper so my metabolism goes faster, since my metabolism goes faster I get more hyper and because I get more hyper my metabolism goes even faster, and on and on.... Yikes! Imagine me with endless super energy and a truly insatiable appetite! Damn that's scary! I'd clear out an all you can eat buffet in minutes! lmao Ok, time for me to apply the brakes and sleep, lol.

I'm beginning to think that I'm not a true dom. In bed I like to be aggressive and forceful and I tend to be out of bed too. However, the girl I've been dating here lately is making me second guess myself as a dom. She likes a guy to be aggressive and dominant in bed but she is naturally dominant in everyday things, I find that I like it a little when she does certain things.

I'm just not sure what to do. I've been offered a job that's a little too far for me to make the trip from where I live to there and back everyday. The options are to find a place closer or turn it down. I can't afford to turn it down because it's the only offer I have right now. So obviously the path is to find a place closer. As it stands I'm kinda screwed on that front. I can ask my brother to stay with him for a little while but not long, I'm sure he would let me. So what do I do after that? I wouldn't be able to afford a place on my own right now so I'd need a room mate. I only have one option there though, even if I had others it would be my favorite. They're uncertain about it but I can't blame them and it would be unfair of me to pressure them. The way things look right now I think I'm going to have to turn the job down, regardless of whether I have another job or not.

I don't know if you're still reading this but if you are I hope you'll tell me what's going on...

So I went down to hang out for my dad's birth day, it wasn't so bad. I tell you that they desperately need some ventilation in that place, they're all smokers and it just hangs in the air. I talked to my brother about a few things, sometimes I just need my older brother's input. He told me basically what I was thinking so that was reassuring. An episode of my favorite show that I've been waiting for for a couple months now was on saturday, I was freaking out about the prospect of missing it until I remembered it would be played today.... I'm sabotaged, the satellite isn't working!!! *sighs* Oh well I guess, it's not like I'll never have the chance to see it ever again. I have another date on wednesday, she said that she needs to talk to me about it... I don't know what's up. Well, I really don't have anything else to say at the moment.

I grew up listening to country music and for some reason some of my favorites from back then keep going through my head. Songs like "It Must Be Love" "Deeper Than The Hollar" "Long Neck Bottle" "Time Marches On" "Good Brown Gravy" and many more. Lmao, I sound like a cd compilation infomercial.

Ok, do you have any idea how wonderful a feeling it is to find an old pair of pants that you haven't worn in forever because the last time you wore them you couldn't even fasten them and now you can with room to spare?! Unless you've been there you have no clue, It's just awesome! lol

My brother wants me to come down and visit him and my dad. My father's birthday is tomorrow and he wants me to stay the night tonight and hang out tomorrow. I don't mind the idea except for one thing... My shows are on tonight and I've been waiting for the episode that's coming on for one of them for MONTHS now! lol I'm trying to figure out how I can keep from missing it. Pathetic I know, lol. I don't watch much tv though, just a few shows that come on late at night and I don't like to miss them. No, they're not dirty shows, they're anime.

I was reading Her journal a moment ago. Without thinking about it I decided to click the "Leave Comment" link. Well, considering that She has me blocked right now you can imagine how much good that did me. lol

So I'm in the position now that no matter what I do I'm going to hurt her. So do I just go with the flow and see what happens? No matter what I do she's going to be hurt the same if I leave. Her feelings for me haven't changed since the last time we dated. I'm still not sure that I can return her feelings, my thought is to go with it but I'm just not sure... When I'm talking to her or with her there is little/no doubt in my mind that I could return her feelings but when I'm not that certainty leaves me.

I don't know when you're going to read this but I wanted to let you know that I rated your poem a 10, apparently I'm the first to rate it though so you should spread the word a little. I think I'll do it for you, lol.



Edit a few minutes later- I just posted the url in the forum so that people can go check it out and possibly rate it.

Ok, so I'm NOT just a friend with benefits with this girl... *sighs* It's confusing me a little too. When I'm around her I can be certain and unwavering but when I come on here and I'm not talking to her I suddenly become unsure. I feel like I know what I want when I'm talking to her but when I'm not I don't.... Why? Why can't I just be certain all the time? I know the answer to that but damn it, it's not fair. I just.... yeah. *sighs*

Obnoxiousness. I fucking hate people being obnoxious. It makes me want to beat the shit out of them.

*sighs*

Woohoo, I'm a Bloodsucker now. lol

What the hell? I hae been following the thread "how would you feel?" and I recently made a post in there that has now been removed. I don't see why though. There was nothing inappropriate, rude, or disrespectful about it and it was in line with the question. It was relevant to the question and there was nothing wrong with it so why remove it? That's the kind of shit that pisses me off about the moderators.

So all I am with the girl I've been seeing lately is friends with benefits. That's reassuring, I really don't think I could be more to her right now. I would like emotional intamcy too though. Don't get me wrong, I like getting laid but I want more than that. I honestly don't think I really want it from her though.

I've had and lost so many friends over the years. The person I considered my best friend as a child (and the first girl I ever kissed, I always had the hugest crush on her and still do have one) I lost when she moved out of state and then I moved to the southern part of this one. All my other friends from this town I lost when I moved, I tried to keep contact with most of them but it was a onesided effort. Once I was down there I made several new friends and some very close ones. After a while my mother joined and enforced upon me a religion and wouldn't allow me to hang out with them. Once more I tried to maintain the friendships but it didn't work. Then I moved to the Des Moines area and made a few friends through work, when I left work I left the friends. I even made a few online friends over the last year. Sadly I've halfway lost one of them. Thanks to the internet I've made contact with some of the friends left behind, it honestly feels like the friendships have faded. I even managed to make contact with on of my ex girl friends on the internet, recently I've taken her out on a few dates but I'm not really sure where I stand with her. Are we friends, a couple, or somewhere in between? I really hurt her when I broke up with her, it was something that I had to do though because I just wasn't in a position to be in a relationship. I made contact with the first person I mentioned in this post, I've tried to get that friendship going again since it is one I have missed more than they will ever probably know. Hell, you can ask my brother and he'd tell you that I've had her on my mind all these years. I remember going over to her house shortly before she moved and hanging out with her in her bedroom, we had a habit of playing truth or dare back then. She dared me to kiss her and I did, that kiss has been on my lips since. Maybe she knows that and that's why she avoids me when I try to get her to hang out. I'm really not trying to come on to her, I'm just trying to have a friendship. Over this last year I got into a semi-serious relationship with one of the friends I made online, she's the one that I've halfway lost. She cut me out of her life for the most part because I was having trouble moving on and I was making things a little awkward for her. As it stands right now I only have one real world friend and she's the ex that I've been seeing recently. I don't know what to do about the one that seems like they're avoiding me and I'm not nearly as social as I used to be. I don't know what to do at this point, I just know that I'm tired of always hanging out alone. To make it worse my heart is about as vulnerable as a wounded deer in an open field right now. I'm most tired of not being able to be around the one I told them I loved and meant it. I'm just so tired of all of it, I've been making myself move on but in reality I might as well be walking on a tread mill. I'm just so tired.

Dang, I'm FINALLY ready to go to bed. The sun will be up before too long, in fact I believe the sky is already starting to lighten. So.... To bed now.

What if I don't major in anything specific in college? What if I just take various classes in order to improve my skill in the many arts I enjoy? I could learn to draw, paint, write, play, and maybe even sing better. If I could imprive my art in any and hopefully all of them I could live doing the small jobs that I tend to work and practice my skills on the side. Eventually I could possibly llive off of my art...

I was a little pissed. I was all set to watch the lunar eclipse but the fuckin' sky was too cloudy. I really would have loved to see it but oh well. Maybe next time I will.

COMMENTS

-

---

xXxmightyxXx
21:17 Feb 22 2008

i totally agree! I wanted to watch it but there were SO many clouds that night...damn clouds...

---

POST COMMENT

Hmm, I'm having a little bit of a problem with journal comments. I love them but when I go to "New Journal Comments" and click the links to the comments it's not taking me to them...

COMMENTS

-

---

Joli
12:48 Feb 22 2008

It will probably be fine in all but the one section, or you're not pausing long enough to let it direct you. Your Potions section is probably not working because Cancer's working out a bug.



When you click on the comment in other sections, just pause a bit and see if that works. I'm always tempted to scroll as soon as the section loads.

---

POST COMMENT

I'm a little amazed... I actually wrote something just like that! *snaps fingers* It required no more thought than "I'm going to write this". Once I decided to write it that was it, it was done... All I can say that fits my view of this is wow. Thanks Joli for suggesting it!

I feel tired and I don't. I feel like I should probably lay down for bed and yet I don't really feel like it. It just seems too early even though it's obviously not, it stopped being too early quite a few hours ago. What's the deal? I don't know, I think I'll go try to lie down for the night...

I'd like to put some of what I'm thinking in here but I just can't focus my thoughts properly at the moment. My mind is all just too jumbled. The only things I can get them to come together enough to say are this and swear words. I guess it's frustration.

I'm having trouble making up my mind whether I want to submit "Eternal Friend" or "Labyrinth" for publishing. hmmm.............

*sighs* Damn. I just.... yeah.... *sighs*

I'm wondering how many of the people who have sent me bites over the last few days have read my profile. It seems that since I put that bit in there about biting that I've been sent more bites than I have in the last several months. Is it just a coincidence?

How do people put scroll boxes in their profiles? I searched the member articles but the weren't any help at all....

COMMENTS

-

---

Abstract
20:48 Feb 21 2008

Try taking a look at the Adopt a Whelp page in House Eternal..



There is a scroll box there.

---

POST COMMENT

Relief and gratitude. Those are the only words I can come up with to describe it.

Making comments to me and yet you're still refusing to talk to me. *sighs* You know how to talk to me, all I ask is for that and your friendship. I knew that already, I just kept hoping you'd reach this point while you were still interested in me. It was foolish of me and unfair to you. There is a guy doing to my cousin almost the exact same thing as I was to you. Seeing that made me feel like an idiot. I'm not going to try and get you back or continually confess undying love over and over so please stop hiding from me. You'd be astounded what I can force myself to do. Once I set my mind to not feeling pain it doesn't take long for it to disappear, wounds heal much faster without the pain.

She deleted a journal entry, I wonder why?

Tonight I think things with my ex just took a step toward a relationship instead of fwb. I'm not sure.

I was talking with a friend of mine from high school this morning. I had the biggest crush on her then. During the conversation I admitted that to her (something I was never able to do back then) and to my surprise she said that had I asked her out she would have said yes. Hindsight.

I went to Ancient Ways today while I was in Des Moines. My father's birthday is this weekend so I bought him a present. Now I'm struggling with some selfishness, I want it for myself! lol

That was a first for me. It surprised me a little, I wasn't sure what exactly to say... Not often I am caught off guard enough to not be able to come up with something decent to say in return.

I was talking with my cousin tonight and it was like having a mirror shoved in my face. There's a guy who's a part of her friend group, he's been doing basically the same thing I kept doing to Her. It sucks and it really wasn't fair of me. I really do owe Her an apology. I noticed it sooner but having it shoved in my face like that made it much more potent of a wake up call. That's why I'm working to force myself to move on. I will still always be Her friend though. I suppose I owe it to Her to say this directly to Her but I don't think I'll be able to.

Ok, the friend I'm staying with has tenants living upstairs. They have 3 tvs up there and there is ONE down here. They get pissy at me because there's a show coming on that I want to see and they're watching something else on this tv. What the fuck? I fuckin' hate people sometimes.

I wish I could talk to her right now. I really want her input on this. *sighs* It's not that I can't make this decision on my own but I'd just like to hear her opinion.

I'm getting published again! Boo-fuckin-YAH!

Yes! I have an interview down in Des Moines today. They told me to be there between 3 and 6. It starts at $10+ an hour. If I get it I'll really need to move to Des Moines then.

I'm going to start working out regularly. I've let myself get too unconditioned since Ive been back. I just did some push ups and it didn't take as many as it used to before I went to basic for me to start feeling it. My desire to get in shape has gone from passive and mild to active and determined.

ha ha! I'm not the only one in the world who remembers Monster Rancher!

Part of me says "Just let go, it'll be better if you just let go." and the other part says "No, we can't, we promised." and the first part responds "That doesn't matter now, we've been released from fulfilling it. We have this now, let's enjoy it." to which the response is "No, it's not right. Maybe it would feel better but I can't. Enjoy what you will but I must keep our promise, no matter how much it hurts. The idea of not hurts more." I wish they would make the same choice, it would be easier. My mind wants one thing and the heart another.

Wow, I am soooo fecking hyper right now! I feel like I will never run out of energy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I think I would like to have my own radio talk show. I would choose topics and have discussions with listeners as well as relevant guests. The whole time I would play music quietly in the background too. It would likely be an alternative talk radio show, covering the kind of things that you see on places like this. I would want intelligent discussion.

I wish I could just say hi....

I feel like I deserve something for myself, I don't know why but I do. I think I'll go down to Wal-Mart and buy myself a semi-decent camera.

Shit, I should have performed a system restore sooner. It fixed whatever the fuck it was that was making my comp so friggin' slow.

Mentioning friends with benefits in my last entry got me to realize that that's what I've got now with the ex I've been seeing. She's not after a relationship and we're just going out and having fun as friends. It's just that occasionally that fun involves orgasms. Hmm, I'm not complaining.

I haven't recieved any bites in forever and now I've gotten two in the last couple days. I don't understand why. I honestly think that if someone wants to break the ice they should just say hi.

In my dream I was putting on a show for her and she was putting one on for me, it was like we used to do. I emjoyed it but in my dream it was a fwb situation. I even took pics for her. I was shaved in my dream and that got me thinking I should try that.



I like how it feels. I've been doing a little bit of pic trading lately so I think I'll take some for those who want some.

I am wondering if it refers to me? I hope not, if it does then it's totally wrong.

I read people. Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes I just do. In some ways it makes things easier. It helps me to be more understanding and sometimes it helps me help people. Yet, sometimes I wish I didn't. I see people I care about suffering and sometimes what they need to end it. So I help them and this often ends up causing me pain and it sucks. I know you're probably thinking "Then why not just let things be?" Let me ask you this, if your friend or family member was about to get hit by a car and you knew that they would survive it but would be injured and you were able to save them but it would mean you'd be injured what would you do? Would you sit there and let them take the hit because you didn't want the pain or would you sacrifice yourself for them?

COMMENTS

-

---

LAZARUSAD
16:13 Feb 18 2008

Bane and Boon, seeing is not a such good thing as others would assume. No, almost a curse it can be.

---

POST COMMENT

He comes back, pulled from his wallow of self pity and despair. Now he looks for the day to come and lives to see the future. Let it be as it must but he will forever work to enjoy a better life and for those he cares for to have the same.

I looked into the eyes of life and for a moment it looked back. In that moment I saw much that I wish I hadn't and didn't see much that I wish I could have. Then, as an errant child, it lowered it's gaze and submitted to me.

I have direction in my life. I have a goal I'm working toward. That doesn't seem to matter though, I still feel adrift. It's strange. Why do I feel adrift when I'm clearly not?

fuck... I would love to get laid right now, it's the only thing that gives my mind even a moment of peace. It gives me just a little bit of clarity but sometimes a little bit for a moment is enough. Not to mention that I'm still horny as hell.

Well, the guy I'm staying with now is kicking his current housemates out because they aren't paying rent and are barely paying the bills. He gave them until the end of March to find somwhere else. When they're gone I'll basically be taking over there spot. I don't yet know how much rent he's going to want from me. I've got a friend who lives in Des Moines who's in a position of needing a roommate in order to afford their own place, I'm thinking about having them come live here and split expenses with me. I'm not sure yet though and I still need to talk to the owner about it first.

Wow, I like that. I just drew something that I think I'm going to take a picture of and put in my portfolio. It's not amazing but I like it. I think I may have just drawn my next tattoo.

Would you like to be able to search profiles by location? (State or regional)



Yes 90 30.2%

No 25 8.39%

Yes but have it optional if you can be located this way. 166 55.7%

Maybe 17 5.7%

I wish it were spring right now. I feel like goin' outside somewhere like the ledges or whatever and chillin' and listening to music.

*shakes head* I suddenly felt the urge to do work with my stones and then I realized that I don't have any of them anymore! I need to start acquiring some again.

I suppose I'm going to do some meditation now, maybe work with my tarot cards. That shouldn't put anyone off from sending me an IM on my msngrs though.

I'm thinking I might save up to buy a laptop. My living situation is taken care of, my car is ok, and I'm going to start school in the fall. I guess my life is finally starting to level out.

In high school I had a select few people I considered close friends, they were like my family. We were all tight and then my mother joined the Jehova's Witnesses. When she did this I wasn't allowed to hang out with them outside of school and since I had changed schools that meant I couldn't hang out with them in school either. I tried hard to maintain those friendships. At that point in my life they were the only family I had. Slowly but surely they stopped making any effort to keep our friendships. It seemed like they didn't really care. Once they gave up so did I. It pained me deeply, even left a bit of scar. I didn't realize until recently just what effect that had on me. I had managed to fool myself into thinking it hadn't hurt and that I didn't care. I was talking and I just admitted to it, it was a revelation to me though. That had a great deal to do with my lack of friends. Even though I didn't realize the pain that's why I have avoided friendships. I didn't even realize that I was actually avoiding them until that point. It's true though. I have actively avoided forming close relationships with anyone since then. Then around a year ago someone managed to wedge the door open a little. Shorly after that someone else managed to get in it too. This person did wonders for me. Not only did they in essence save my life but they triggered a series of self discovery and growth. They found their way deeper in to my heart than anyone else had. We became more than friends after a while. Then things eventually ended. None the less, I valued her friendship and decided I'd rather her as a friend than nothing at all. I fucked up. I pushed her away even though that wasn't what I meant to do. I can't and won't give up on this friendship. It's something I just refuse to do. So I will wait for her to decide she can be my friend, and when she does I will be there. I am always her friend.

I understand that you will never love me and that we will never be together. Are we not even friends anymore though?

tempting... It's a tough decision though.

People (both men and women) need to research their reproductive systems. It is bull shit when a guy is able to answer a question for a girl about her body because she doesn't know it. The same applies the other way around. There is no excuse for men and women not to know about their own bodies! Why on earth don't people learn about their bodies? Shit, when I had questions do you know what I did? I went and picked up a fucking book! Not that there's anything wrong with asking questions but people should put more effort into learning about it than just asking about shit when or if it comes up! Don't wait until you wonder "is this normal" to learn about shit!



I also have to wonder what the hell they teach in sex-ed these days since they obviously don't cover anything about the development of sexual organs through puberty.

I just saw your comment on my entry, "I told you so" does and does not fit.

Yesterday started out on of the worst V-Days I've ever had. My only friend cut me out of their life and then I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my brakes on my car. Then the girl that I've been on a few dates with here lately contacts me and asks me if I can come hang out with her, she said she was depressed and didn't feel like being alone. So I went down and picked her up (my brakes are working just not very well but that's why they invented the e-brake). First we went to Romantix (that's a sex shop), don't ask me why we decided to go there. While we were there we ended up picking out a dildo for her. After that we went down town to go into the skywalks so we could walk without being cold. I can't really describe all the details but at one point we went from walking to me pushing her against the wall and making out with her. All I can say is thank god it's winter, had it been warm she said she would have been wearing a miniskirt and believe me when I say that if she had been we would have done more than make out right then, we got caught making out though so I was glad we weren't doing more. After that we were both focused on sex so I drove out somewhere secluded and damn. You know it was good when two hours later somone asks you why you're smiling. That's the first I've had in almost a year. She told me that next time she's just going to wear a miniskirt... lol. We have another date tentatively planned for wednesday, it's only a maybe because her mom has been trying to get her to do something for a couple weeks now and that's her only day off.



So, I have to say that she was right. I wouldn't have done that had she not cut me out. I hate to admit that but it's true. I would probably have made some excuse as to why I couldn't go in hopes that she would be online and I could spend my evening talking to her. As much pain as it caused me it really was for my own good. I won't say that I'm over her but the pain did force me to move on. I hadn't been far from doing so but I was fighting against going those last few steps. I'm not sure how much of a relationship I'll have with this new girl, especially considering the circumstances that made me turn to her, but I'm going to give it a try. I remember a friend of mine telling me that you can't plan your life around what might or might not be, I'm taking that advice and the pain be damned. For now I'm just going to be happy that the physical comfort was able to help me adapt to the emotional pain.

You were right. I couldn't see it at first but I guess it really did do me good. *sighs* It's amazing what you don't realize you don't see when you don't notice there's something blocking your view...

I really think we should talk. I'm not asking you to unblock me to do this, I just think we need to talk at least once more. If you are willing just let me know. If not then I understand.

I see, so it's for you and not for me. In that case I can accept it. Just know that I will stay around and as always, I leave my messengers on when I'm home and I will never block you. When you feel you can contact me again I'll be waiting. I will not pressure you, I am sorry that I was so foolish to have pushed you away. I don't care if you'll never be mine, just please remember that I am ALWAYS your friend. Even if you don't unblock me know that you can always send me a msg if you need to talk, call me, and/or send me a letter.

I feel so dead now.... Of all things I don't deserve that.



My messengers will be logged on when I'm around like always.

No, please I beg you. Don't cut me out. Your friendship means more to me than anything in my life right now. I accepted it, don't tell me it's because you'll never love me and I need to forget about you. That won't achieve that. If you want me out of your life than say that and I'll accept it, but cutting me out will not be for my good. Why should I forget you? I have no reason or need to forget you, moving on is one thing. Please, please. Now I have been hurt.

Damn, I had a really interesting dream last night. When I woke up I could only remember this one little bit and I've been trying to remember it all day. I can still only remember this part:



There's some guy trying to escape through a window. I'm frustrated about something and so instead of just dragging him back in I say "Ah to hell with this" and pick up a steak knife. I then throw the knife sticking it in his back, the guy screams and I ask "Are you gonna come back in and cooperate?" The man only starts struggling at the window harder so I pick another one up and throw it sticking it in his back as well.



That's all I can remember, it's frustrating. I had another dream but I'm not putting that in an online journal.

A dead guy goes into a bar and orders a shot. The bartender doesn't ask questions he just serves the man. After he's had a few the phone rings and he says, "If it's my wife you haven't seen me, that old witch'll kill me if she knows I've been here."



The bartender looks at him and says "But sir, you're already dead."



The man laughs dryly and says "Yeah, that's what you get for dating a necromancer!'

I was told as though it would solve all my problems that *blinks* I need a hobby..... ?

I suppose that would help. There aren't any pool halls around here though and I don't care to go to a bar to shoot... hmmm. So what else can I do? I'm not into many other things that would take me to social areas.... Ehhh, oh fuckin' well. I suddenly feel a little like I don't give a shit.

I'm tired of needing to sleep. I would rather be able to not if I so choose without repurcussion. I don't like having to rest when I am entirely not ready.

This is one thing I've never found anyone else that could understand. Just as a person's hear beats without their help so my mind thinks. It's not something I do or control. The only relief I've ever had was when I was so doped up on meds that I couldn't function. I was barely able to form a sentence at that time though.

I think that the real reason I don't fear death is because I see it as relief. In a few of my poems I make comments to that fact. The thing I want set free from the most is my mind, the way it never stops. It's torture. I would give just about anything for a moment of mental peace.

I tend to be very insecure, more so than I've really admitted to any but one or two people. I don't know why I am though. I have been told good things by people over and over. You would think that would help but it doesn't. *sighs* Why? Why the fuck do I have to be so insecure? I don't have any reason to be but I just can't seem to get past it and that only makes it worse. I get insecure about the fact that I'm insecure. I get afraid that people will see it and so I hide it. That really doesn't make any sense especially since I really couldn't give less of a shit what they thought. ??????????????

Once more the issue of my arrogance is pointed out to me. *sighs* I'm not really arrogant, I just come across that way at times. I know it's not anyone else's fault, it just doesn't seem to be something I can get past.

A friend of mine once told me that I'm easy to fall for, that I actually make it hard for any girl I'm friends with to not have feelings for me at some point in our friendship. Why? She never really did answer that, she jsut said that I had the habit of seducing hearts.

It may only be another temporary reprieve but I feel better.

In my dream I would guess it was about 5 or so years from now. I was in Toronto to play a concert. I was part of a band that was becoming very famous. Toward the end of the set I made an announcement, "I have a friend that lives here in Toronto. I'm hoping that maybe she came to the concert. If you're out there you know who you are Darling. Come up to the stage and you'll be shown to the back, bring any friends that are with you too." The dream skipped a little forward and I'm hangin' out with Her and a few others. At this point I woke up. It was a good dream.

Many people think that having "true love" for someone means that you will never love another, that your feelings for them will be eternal. I don't quite agree, love is eternal. True love will never fade but it can adapt and change. I look at my situation and I see that mine slowly is. I will always love her. I believe that will only allow me to be a better friend to her. I believe that there are two different kinds of true love. There's romantic and friend/family. Now there is a third one that comes from the combination of those two. It is a bond that is so deep that it goes beyong friend/family love but is not romantic. I believe this is what many call being a soul mate. Even should I ever fall in love again I will never be as close to anyone as I am to her.

COMMENTS

-

---

SinginGhost88
04:14 Feb 13 2008

In order to be soul mates the other person has to have that same bond. This is not true with you and i. I dont have that kind of bond with anybody.

---

POST COMMENT

I could date, I could give my body to different people. I could hang out with them and have fun. In the end I don't believe I could give them my heart. When it comes down to it, I would probably ditch whoever I was with if she asked me.

lunch meat, colby jack, and wheat thins... mmmmm, lol, I just get a hankerin' sometimes.

Tomorrow I've gotta get my car into the shop to get the brakes fixed, then I need to set up an appointment with the dentist. I need to start making up my mind about a few things. I hope to hear about my second interview in the next few days. I can't wait to start working again, being jobless makes me fuckin' insane! lol I've decided I should buy a new camera if I can swing it, among other things...



I've decided to resume my personal researching of various pagan religions and tarot. I don't know why but I feel like it's a good idea.

I'm so restless and BORED! There's nothing for me to get out and do around here except goin' to a movie. *sighs* I should rephrase that, I could go out to shoot some pool which I would love but I'm so out of my elelment in public social settings. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em but I just can't get comfortable by myself. If I wanted to shoot pool I could go to a bar but... I go, I shoot a few games, I leave. What do I do in between games, I'd just feel so awkward. That's what it really is, I feel awkward when I go out alone. Damn it though, there's nobody to hang with around here. No friends.



It's been suggested to me that once I start work and school again that I can make friends there. The thing is, how? Yeah I can get along with people and be friendly at work but I'm just not quite the same outside. It's easier for me at work, once I get out I have that awkward feeling again. Then there's the question of how do I ask someone to hang out outside of work. I would feel weird if I just said "Hey man, I was thinking about shooting pool later, d'ya wanna come along?" and I probably wouldn't be very comfortable if they asked me. Then there's the deal that I'm more comfortable and get along better with girls. I'm pretty sure that if I asked a girl from work to hang out that they'd take it different than I mean, maybe I'm wrong about that though. *sighs* I just want to get out and hang with some friends....

Alone



Alone



Alone



I'm just so very......

.....

.....

.....







alone........

I am so... fucking... BORED!

I actually feel a little tired but to be honest I'm not much interested in sleeping... I just don't feel like it, lol.

Damn it, I'm afraid I'll piss her off if I go that far, should I just say it and see? *sighs* thinking...

This is something that people who aren't Harry Potter fans probably won't appreciate and even some of those may not. Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort are related. In the second to last book Harry Potter and Dumbledore explore some membories in which the see an encounter with Voldemort's grandfather. In this memory Voldemort’s grandfather points out that the Gaunts are descended from the Peverells. In the last book it is made fairly clear that the Potters are as well. Apparently both families were descended from one of the three brothers who were given the “Deathly Hallows”.

like leap frog, lol

Damn, there's not a whole lot that's more frustrating for someone like me than realizing you don't have the kind of music you're after.

A job interview this afternoon with Pizza Hut. They will serve my purpose. I have not forgotten what I'm working toward, even if it seems like it. That's all that I think of when I think of the future.

I just finished reading a friends thoughts on love. Some but very little of what they say fits my situation. I was in a relationship in which I told the girl I loved her. I professed it since we broke up. The question is, do I love her? I don't question this but others do. It comes up because I've worked on hook ups and gone out on a few dates. To make it worse I've had a little confusion about my feelings over the last few days because of the girl I went out with.



Last night she and I went to see a movie. As we sat there we "cuddled" and I wasn't even thinking of her while I did it. I feel like shit because here I am on a date with her, a girl who's heart I've broken once before, and I care nothing for her. I look at myself and I realize, I'm using her. I was horrified to realize this. How can I do this to her? I wrote in my journal last night that I was confused, that's why.



I tried to go dancing the other night, I got to the club and went in. Admittedly I had trouble letting loose. That wasn't the real problem though. I tried to approach various girls severaly times. The only thing I could think about is "I wonder if she's having a good time". She is on my mind no matter how hard I try to think of something else. Because she made it clear that she wants me to NOT wait for her I've been trying to move on. It kills me though. The effort of trying to make myself not wait is painful. It feels like I'm tearing myself in two. My mind going one way and my heart another. That's the reason for all that I've been writing lately, because I was trying at her request. I wanted to because she wanted me to. I didn't really want to though. Last night she and I talked about my upcoming date and I was asking her advice more or less. What it comes down to is I was hoping she'd tell me not to do it, when I told her that her response was "Why would i say not to? Im not your GF lol" I AM devoted to her whether she sees it or not. She doesn't realize that I'd give up my dreams to be with her. "I'd live for you, I'd die for you... Cause everything I do, I do it for you"



Why do I talk about these things with her, the girl I profess to love? Why do I not tell her I love her every time we talk? I talk to her about it because I foolishly hope that she'll ask me not to do it. I don't say I love her all the time because she made it fairly clear that she didn't want it. I do however say it to her almost every night, she just doesn't see it because I don't use those words. Then I say it aloud everynight hoping that maybe, just maybe those words will reach her. I lay my heart out there for her to see all the time. I may not be overt or blunt about it, that's out of respect though. She thinks that because we've never actually met and because I've never looked into her eyes that I couldn't love her. Maybe she's right, I'll never think she is though. I might believe that there is a chance my love could grow stronger if those things happened, but not that I can't because of those things. I love her. If the only way I can prove this is to give up my social life, go abstinent, and tell her everytime we talk then so be it. I haven't because she told me not to but I see I shouldn't have listened (not meaning any offense).My horoscope for yesterday told me "go ahead and take the good advice of friends and associates" and I did. I should have listened to my heart instead, it told me to do the exact opposite of what people were telling me.



"It can breach any barrier set in it's path"



I don't want anyone but her. I tried to want someone else but you can't make yourself want something you don't want. Lord knows I need laid, I HATE sleeping alone, and I need to get out and have some fun. Anytime I try to picture myself with someone, I picture her. Nobody else will do. What causes me the most pain is that I failed her. She can't see that I DO love her.



I close my eyes and take a leap

Jumping into the unfathomable deep

Please catch me as I fall

Say my voice I'll heed your call

You are the one and only

The one to make me not lonely

For eternity I'd fall for you

So you could see my love is true

I just feel so... I just don't know how to put it properly. I feel like crying. Damn I sound so macho huh? *rolls eyes*

I think I'll close my poll on wednesday after I record it's results.

So 6 tonight, we're going to go see cloverfield. After the conversation last night I think I need to remember to buy condoms. If I'm still feeling like I am right now when I pick her up then I know I'm going to have a little difficulty keeping my hands to myself. I may have been able to tease her and get away with it last time but I don't know if I would this time. I still question whether or not this is a good idea, taking everything into account I just don't know.

I've been told several times over the last several months by various people that you shouldn't plan your life around what might or might not be. You should just go with it and take the chance. I guess I should take that advice, my horoscope was kinda along those lines.

Complication. I don't like complications. They always come right when you think you see clearly. I feel a little divided now.

Also, I just can't give up the idea of owning my own business. I have a fairly specific idea about that too. Whatever I do for a career would need to be flexible.

As I've started seriously looking toward my future I've had to think really hard about what I actually want. What do I truly want out of life? I've been contemplating various career options and have been wondering what dreams/goals/wishes I could do without in the end. One option that looked interesting was majoring in Liberal Arts in the specific area of education. I thought about becoming a college lit. professor. After thinking about it I don't think that would be the best idea. It would mean putting too much on hold for too long. So what then? I love writing, I want to learn to do so better. On the other hand I'd love to learn how to write music and not be limited to just writing lyrics. Come to think of it, the only reason I'm not into music far more than I am is that I lack the skill. I would love to be a musician, play in a band. Something I had never really realized before is that I do desire a certain amount of prestige. The idea of people all over hearing my lyrics and loving them is something that thrills me and I want it so bad. Some of the goals I have aren't realistic at this point. As much as I want to move out that direction I just can't afford to at this time, that pisses me off so badly. It just wouldn't be fair to anyone. So I'm faced with this option as far as my living situation goes: I am not in a position to afford my own place, an ex-girlfriend of mine is in the same position. She wants us to get a 2 bedroom apartment and be room mates. I find that idea questionable. She has admitted that she loves me, I don't and doubt that I would ever be able to return those feelings all things considered. What if after a while she desires more? I don't want to hurt her. What would happen when I'm ready and able to pursue my dreams/goals/wishes? Even though I don't love her and do love someone else I can't deny that I have feelings for her. Then I have to ask myself, do I really? Perhaps I don't and I am displacing some of my emotiions for the one I love and can't be with to the one I don't and can be? I do know that I'll never be happy until I'm at least near the one I love.

All the relationship stuff aside, how do I best go about working toward the future? Obviously I need to get into school, I need a place to live, and I need a job. I'm not going to find a decent enough job around here so I need to go somewhere I will. Which means the place to live should be somewhere reasonably near, that puts me in the position of moving in with her. Shool I can do just about anywhere. What do I go for? Music? Something in creative writing? Maybe both of those? Or do I go with the sure thing and give up my dreams? I do know that if I'm not more involved with music I won't be truly happy. There would be a sense of dissatisfaction. I'm not saying I need to be a famous musician, I'd settle for someone famous singing my shit. *sighs* I'm not sure about life coming at you fast but it certainly comes at you hard.

I don't have to be here to go to school and pursue my future. I don't have to be here for any of it, it'll just be harder elsewhere.

I feel so exhausted right now. I don't have any reason to though. It's both mental and physical. I think it's a combination of disappointment, being slightly overwhelmed, and frustration. I'm in one of those moods where I just want to go to sleep and stay that way. *sighs* I've come to realize that action is also a feeling. Well, bed time. It's much earlier than usual but I feel like I need it. I think I'll leave my msngr on though, and the volume up. lol

Yes 49 27.84%

No 14 7.95%

Yes but have it optional if you can be located this way. 103 58.52%

Maybe 10 5.68%

I want to wake up with you in my arms instead of just dreaming it. I want to hear your laugh. I want to see your smile. I want to be able to caress your hair off the side of your face. I want to refuse to let you not be mine. I want to provoke you into throwing something at me and then chase you around the place until I catch you and then tickle you until I can’t resist kissing you. I want to lift your chin to look into your eyes. I want to give you the world. I want to tell you that if the only thing I ever accomplished in my life was making you happy that I would feel that I couldn’t possibly have been more successful. I want to go for a walk with you. I want to tell you that it feels like twisting a knife in my heart every time I encourage you to pursue him. I want to tell you that the last thing I think as I go to sleep each night is “Good night Christina, I love you”.

I'm gonna shower and get ready to go out and have some fun!

So, I was knocking on this wall the other day when Christina looked at me and said "Hey, quit hitting my head."



lmao

COMMENTS

-

---

SinginGhost88
08:51 Feb 08 2008

So, i was beating some guys head against a brick wall the other day and Jason said...."Ouch that hurts!"



Ok i suck but you get the point :P

---

POST COMMENT

Well, I took a test that's similar to the ACT. According to it I scored better than 96% of people on the reading and better than 97% on the writing. I didn't do so hot on the algebra shit, that's sad considering that that was my best subject in highschool. Use it or lose it I guess. As for the writing, if you've read much of my journal I know what you must be thinking. I don't proof read the shit I put in here most of the time though.



I am in a really good mood. I just feel good and happy. To give my good mood a boost I'm wearing a 1x shirt and I haven't fit into that size since about the sixth grade. WOO, BOO-FUCKIN-YA, lol. I'm gonna chill with some tunes and go for a walk.

COMMENTS

-

---

SinginGhost88
23:16 Feb 07 2008

HaHa little do you know you're turning into a stick thin NERD!! :P harcharchar

---

placidchaos
01:49 Feb 08 2008

lol, nah, I've been a nerd most of my life, I'm just good at hiding it. Not to mention me being stick thin would be a miracle, even if I lost a whole lotta weight, lol.

---

POST COMMENT

There isn't much that could be said to me that could mean more, and nothing could mean more coming from anyone else.

I'm feeling semi-antisocial. I've logged on to my profile off and on throughout the day but I haven't actually spent anytime. I don't feel like talking and yet I do. I still have my messengers logged on but that's it. *sighs* I might actually be on late tonight.

I'm restless as all fuckin' hell. I need to have some fun. I might go see Jumper this weekend.

Apparently journal comments disappear if you edit the entry they're made on. Strange.

You know what the most frustrating thing about this town is? There are actually several places hiring, they're just not hiring! They either put no effort into it or they are hiring for a month or two away. WHAT THE FUCK?!

I've just noticed that I have a habit of using "yay" when typing but in real life you'll never hear me say it unless I'm being a smart ass.

Wow, I slept great last night. It probably would have taken a LOT to wake me. I have to stop having that dream though, lol. That's like the third time this week.



At 10 I have an appointment to do my tax return... boo-ya. After that... more job hunting, ugh. If I get enough back I might buy a viola, I found some cheap priced ones on ebay. That's a way down my list though. One thing is damn sure, I need to get a phone. *sighs* I need to get laid... I know, completely unrelated but....

I got the pics taken finally, stupid camera.

I'm very good at puzzles. Perhaps that's part of how I know so well. I often know much more than many realize.

Well that made it easier.



Edit at 4:22 P.M.- I suppose I should probably explain this. As I mentioned in a previous entry I went out on a date with a girl on saturday. I came to the conclusion that it was a bad idea all things considered and I wasn't going to go out with her again. I'm not good at those kind of things though. She made it easy however by sending me an email saying the same thing.

I've finally managed to say it in a way that really got it off my chest. It's hard when you want to tell someone something but you just can't get it right.

I just have the urge to hold her and tell her everything's going to be ok. I feel like I might cry, not because I need to but because she needs to.

It seems like I keep thinking this one thing and everytime I do I get shown that I'm wrong. I think it's because I want it to be but it's not, or actaully the other way around. I have reached a point where it's not a problem though. I've been here before and I'm ok with this. This is a good place.

Companionship.



It just suddenly popped into my head and I knew I needed to write it....

My dreams have mostly been aout the same or similar things lately. There are a couple recurring ones. During these dreams I am conscious as I always am but I don't have the control in these dreams. It's like I'm forced to observe from a first person perspective. It's strange.

I dozed off for a little bit, wow those were some interesting dreams. I'm not sure if I'm going to put any of it in here. No, definitely not.

I have a habit of podering the past, remembering interesting and significant but unimportant things. By these ponderings I have come to a question. Why am I alive? I don't mean that as in the purpose for my life, I mean it as in why haven't I died? I have had a few experiences that by all rights I shouldn't have survived. When I was very young I became ill, I ran a temperature so high that the doctors say it should have cooked my brain. Most adults don't survive temeratures as high as mine was. I don't really remember anything about this, I just know what I've been told. A year or two later I have a car hit me going about 40 mph, I don't remember much since it dazed me. I do remember rolling on the ground and someone coming to see if I was alright as I stood up. I then remember walking on as if nothing happened with only a couple scratches and bruises. When I was a child I fell from high up in a tree, I'd say at least 35-40 feet. I ended up landing on the back of my neck. You'd think that would at least have sprained my neck. Nope. I stood up and walked off with no injury, not even a headache. Not too long after that my head was slammed onto a marble floor hard enough that the doctors said my skull should have shattered on impact and killed me instantly. I came out with a rather large bump and barely a mild concussion. At the very least I should have suffered some mild brain damage. Once more I'm a living phenomenon. Most recently, I was at basic training and another guy pointed his M16 at me with a live round in the chamber. He pulled the trigger, click. Nothing happened, the round was a dud. So all this makes me wonder, why am I still alive?

COMMENTS

-

---

SinginGhost88
07:14 Feb 05 2008

Duh...because you're supposed to be.

---

POST COMMENT

Just for the hell of it I decided to do a two card reading on the situation with the married woman. Mind you I'm a novice. The first card that came up was Five of Wands and it was reversed, the second was Eight of Wands and it was reversed too. lol. I did a few other readings to, I'm not posting anything about them in here though.

Man, my fucking camera won't take pictures worth crap unless the lighting is PERFECT! I've come to realize the there has to be SOME natural light to get even a decent picture.

yeah, I will.



On an unrelated note... *pummels self* Don't be a fool.

I went down to a couple places I used to work to pick up w2 from them. When I went to the one I ran into a friend from there. I was surprised. I've never ran into anyone who was so genuinely happy to see me. It felt good.

The sight of blood entrances me. I love to watch myself and/or others bleed. I like pictures like you see in some profiles of slit wrists and what not. I find that I like it more and more. I also find that the more I like the sight of blood the more I seem to desire/crave it, or perhaps it's the other way around? I don't know but the want for it borders on lust when I see it.

I just submitted my first poll, I hope they accept it.

It seems to me that half the people on this site focused on fictional vampirism and the other half is focused on openly disregarding and/or pointing out the foolishness of that.

I just put new batteries in my camera and it is saying they're low!! Damn thing. Then I took some pics that a *coughs* "friend" wanted. When I hooked it up to my computer to take them off of it the fuckin' thing says there's nothing on the camera. I look at it and sure enough it lost 'em all. What the fuck? *sighs* Now I'm going to have to wait until everyone goes to bed to retake the friggin' pics.

I feel so at home in the fog.

Sometimes I think I must have been drunk when I look at posts I've made, but I know better.

COMMENTS

-

---

SinginGhost88
23:56 Feb 04 2008

Ive been drunk thru so many of my posts....You have no idea lol

---

placidchaos
00:33 Feb 05 2008

lol, so you've told me.

---

POST COMMENT

I got to go out on my date Saturday... I don't quite know what to think. I could barely get her to talk because she said that I "knew everything she could tell me" and that got a little annoying. Then we went and watched the movie (Meet the Spartans is entertaining but not worth your money). After the movie we had time and me being the smart ass that I am suggested we go to a strip club. I was only joking but she decided it was a good idea (she's bi). So we went to the club and watched a few of the performances, not that they were that great since it was still a little early. While we were there she starts making out with me and then ubruptly stops. Shortly after that we left and she just clammed up on me. On top of that I've met a married woman who wants to be friends with benefits... I've also been doing some selfreflective thinking and when I get the chance I've got a long journal entry to put in here. I guess that's it for now, later.

I met with a college career counselor yesterday. I took a couple of career assessments. The jobs that came up for me almost all fell into the "Poets, Lyricists, and Creative Writers" category. So it's just about a guarantee that I'll be majoring in something along those lines. I'm even considering studying to become a college lit professor. That would put me in a postion to achieve many of my goals and help in achieving others. It'll take 4+ years of college to do but what is the better choice? Do I sacrifice a future to obtain my short-term goals or do I work on my long-term goals and thereby better insure that my short-term goals will turn out well? It doesn't take a scientist to see. I still feel tempted to say fuck it and go for the short-term.

I know that most was more than likely not directed at me.



I knew and understood most of it. Just so you know, only a fool could ever hope to compare or take the place of your sisters. That's not what I want, I'm not even asking for you to love me or be your boyfriend. Nothing like that. I've pretty much let go of the idea that you'll return my feelings. Hopefully one day you can let me in. Either way I will always be your friend. As long as the avatar that I have now is on my profile then I am waiting for you. Even if I talk about another girl, if it is there then I wait. I expect nothing though. I just want to be your friend. I love you.

Frustrated, sad, and pained music is running in my head right now.

Keep me at a bit of a distance, avoid me from time to time, hide thoughts and feelings from me. I don't mind these things, it's your right. Just don't hold me out. Let me in once in a while.

One month down and 11 to go. *sighs* I wish I could live in the world in my head...

I have noticed that my "need" periodically peaks so that it becomes almost unbearable. Then it will settle back down. Recently it has been peaking more frequently. There seems to be less and less time in between. This requires more and more effort to soothe it...

I'm Sorry



I'm sorry

That I was raised with respect

not to sleep with you when you were drunk



I'm sorry

That my body's not ripped enough

to "satisfy" your wants



I'm sorry

that I open your car door,

and pull out your chair like I was raised





I'm sorry

That I am actually nice;

not a jerk



I'm sorry

I don't have a huge bank account

to buy you expensive things



I'm sorry

I like to spend quality nights at home

cuddling with you, instead of at a club



I'm sorry

I would rather make love to you then just bang you

like some random guy.



I'm sorry

That I am always the one you need to talk to,

but never good enough to date



I'm sorry

That I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,

but when we went out you went home with another guy







I'm sorry

If I start not being there, and being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around



I'm sorry

If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work



I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.



I'm sorry

If you read this and know somebody like this

but don't care But most of all



I'm sorry

For not being sorry anymore



I'm sorry

That you can't accept me for who I am



I'm sorry

I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good

enough to make it in your world.



I'm sorry

I caught your bf with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...



I'm sorry

That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.



I'm sorry

That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your bf was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.



I'm sorry

That i I always keep in touch with you, and tell you the things I do

When ur bf can't even tell you he loves you.



I'm sorry

That you won't be able to read this...



Ladies always complain and complain to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with jerks who mistreat them. Well ladies next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're bitching to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"

Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.



If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, repost as "I'm sorry "and add a little if I forgot something



If You're one of the few girls with enough balls to repost, and you would never make your guy feel this way, repost as "I wish I had a guy that showed feeling like this"

And so I find myself thinking....

I'm not gay and I've never considered myself bi but I've always been a little bi-curious. Today a guy was talking about me maybe hooking up with him and his bf, he even emailed me a few pics of them. I can't deny that I was turned on and that I was a little tempted. A friend of mine suggests I go for it. Hmm....

Just let me be there for you. I can only do so much if you won't accept it. What's it going to take? Am I going to have to just show up there?

There are things I am thinking. Things that want to come out. I keep arguing with myself about it all though.