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Ha HA! Apparently my card number IS my account number! I got paid so no jail for me! BOO-YEAYA

Tonight was really fucking long... I was so bored and frustrated that I just wanted to put a bullet in my fucking head or bash my friggin' skull in. *sighs*

It's off to work here in a few minutes. 3-1:30... I'm actually feeling pretty good right now. I took a half hour nap and then a good hot shower. I have a headache centered around my eyes that I'm a little worried about, I'm sure that staring at the computer at work and dealing with dumbasses for the next 10 hours isn't going to help. We'll see.

Man, there's somethin' about drivin' down the road with the windows down and the radio cranked with a good rock song that just makes you feel good!

I remember a bit I read about Aristotle (I think it was him, my memory's a bit off and I'm not 100% if it was him or if it was Plato). There was a time when he was accused of murder, he was taken before the court of his time to be tried. At that time it was customary to allow the accused to suggest their own punishment or way of compensation. When asked he offered the lowest unit of the currency of the time and stated that he thought it was a fair trade for the life in question. The court was so enraged by this that they all consented to have him executed. This was the first time in the history of the court that there had been a unanimous decision for the death penalty. However, because of the way it all happened he was cleared and set free. I find that account intriguing and it has a good point. What a person's life is worth is different to different people and who's to really say that one life is not worth more or less than another?



If a man who had saved hundreds of lives decided to track down and kill somebody who had raped, beaten, and done all sorts of terrible things to his fellow man should he get the death penalty? Is the criminal's life equal to his? I'm not saying that would excuse it but just think about it.

Sometimes I look at a word and instantly see other words that can be spelled by rearranging it. It's part of my ocd, which is apparently why I'm so good at word searches. Anyway, I just had one of those moments and it made me chuckle a little. It's a word I've seen a million times but I've never noticed this before: lust-slut. *shakes head at me and my easily amused pervy mind* lol

It fills every second of every day. It lurks around every corner and sits in plain sight. Everyone is in some way affected by death. People die, ideas die, hope dies, relationships die, friendships die, careers die, and so many things in this world. From the second life begins so does death, it is the definition of our existence. Death.

*sighs* I'm debating lying back down for another hour or so. I really just don't feel like being awake.

Fuck, why does she have to live so far away. I'm tempted more than ever to just say fuck it and take off. I want to be with her, I want to not be here, I want to get away from all the negative bull shit around here, so why not? *sighs* Because I don't have the money to do so right now. DAMN IT!

*sighs*

Tomorrow I fear is going to be a long day.. At least it's casual dress at work.. boo... yah.. Yeah I just can't get excited about it, lol.

Quote: If you don't leave yourself open for rejection than you can't get acceptance.- Me

I'm feeling pretty exhausted right now, I'm thinking of heading to bed early tonight...

What is wrong with me? I just feel so exhausted and I've dont NOTHING! I feel this way a lot anymore though, I don't know why... *sighs* I sigh too often...

Tomorrow I will be working the shift I signed up for plus 2 hours of overtime... I'm afraid I might be pulling the hair I don't have out of my head by the time it's over with. At least it's $11 an hour. This is one job that if I kept I'd end up needing laid on a daily basis I think, lol... Not that I wouldn't go for that anyway... Anyway, back on subject... I'm glad I don't intend to stay there long term because it would drive me insaner (yes I know).



I'm just a little worried. I got a couple tickets a month or two ago that total $256. That's not a lot of money but I haven't had the income to pay them off. I was given an extension and payments. I have to pay $75 by the second of the coming month but there is a problem. I signed up for direct deposit, I was hoping to have my check go onto my Emerald Card but there's been a mistake. When I called H&R Block customer service to get the information I needed to set it up (bank routing number and acct number) they told me that my acct number was the number on my card... WRONG! Which means that my check went nowhere! How am I supposed to make the payment if I don't have money?! I'm freakin' a little because the judge that gave me the extension and all said that if I hadn't made the $75 payment by the second I would get jail time...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can NOT! afford that! So what do I do?? I'm going to talk to my employer on monday to get it straightened out, I don't know how soon I'll be able to get my money though. If I find out I won't be able to get my check for a few days the fucks at H&R Block will be giving me some hellacious compensation. 'Cause I tell you what I'll sue their fuckin' asses off if I go to jail because some dumb fuck told me the wrong acct number!

I’m feeling a ver profound sense of loss and frustration. I don’t like that I cut them from my life but I had no choice, I hate that. Why? Why couldn’t they just be the wonderful person I know they have inside? Why did they find it necessary to lie to me, play mind games with me, and then stab me in the back? Why? I bent over backwards for them. Then to blame them doing that on me... Why? They say that they did what they did because they knew I was going to do what I’ve decided to do but the problem with that is that I wouldn’t have had they not done that. There was no reason for me to because there was no need. I made the decision I did to help ensure my own well being out of NECESSITY and in their eyes this makes me a bad person for some reason... Why? It makes no sense. I guess I will always wonder why...



What frustrates me about it so much is that I knew this is what they were doing but I ignored it because I see such potential in them. I hoped that if I continued trying, refused to give up on them that they would see that they can be the wonderful person that they are. For a short period of time I thought it had happened. Then all this happened and I realized I was fooling myself. As far as I can tell they will never be the wonderful person I see because they choose not to be. *sighs* WHY?!?!?

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theo
22:05 Mar 29 2008

some people just have issues

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I just went up to the store to buy a soda and as I went to the check out line this little boy comes up to me and says "Ahhh, your shirt is cool." I thank him of course and then he says "I like you". At this point he procedes to just start chatting away at me, lol. I don't mind, I like kids and for some reason they usually seem to like me. I'm fairly used to this kind of thing happening, his mother seemed a little embarrassed about it but oh well. I'm not sure exactly why but I can't ever help but feel a little good when things like this happen. Ehh, who knows.

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xxxundeadxxx
04:29 Mar 30 2008

cool = )

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I see their post and my immediate thought is that I want to reach out and hold them, to be there for them. I feel like I failed them.

*sighs*

I've been friends with this one girl since as far back as I can remember. She was actually my first kiss among other things... (she corrupted me, lol). We lost contact for a few years which I never settled for, I've tried to do my best to not. We re-made contact when I got back from basic but she's hard to get to talk to, she's turned all quiet (if you knew her when she was younger your jaw would drop at those words, lol). If I start a conversation with her she'll talk but only if I start it, she won't just come say hi or anything. I remember when we were kids if she was ignoring me or anything like that I would go up and tag/push her and then run off. Not too long ago I threatened to do this if she didn't start being more social with me, I was being a smart ass for the most part. Well the other day I sent her a message just being a smart ass...



Me: TAG YOU'RE IT! *half tags and half pushes then runs* lol



Her: Sreams *JUST WAIT TILL I GET YOU!!!*



Me: *stands at a distance and sticks tongue out* mnnyehhhh



This is how it went when we were kids, after I'd stick my tongue out at her she'd chase after me. I'd run for a bit and then when we were off by ourselves I'd let her catch me (I was a devious little kid). At this point we would usually hang out alone, well, we did up until I was about age 7. It was at about age 7 that I first kissed her. It wasn't long after that that we started making out. Now you see what I mean when I say she corrupted me, lol. I find it strange that we went that far at that age, not to mention the depth of the emotion that I felt for her. I really didn't get over her until last year and even since then I get a little bit of a that old feelin'. I don't know why.

I have come to the decisioin that I'm not going to restore my portfolio until I have some more and better pictures to put there. I was very dissatisfied with it but unable to bring myself to delete it for some reason and unable to make it better for lack of tools to do so.

Man, Tina wrote this really beautiful poem. It is just amazing in my opinion but I can't share it with anyone!... She made me promise never to show anyone before she'd even show me but damn... It should be, ya know?

With VR going down I was really wiggin' out, lol. If I didn't know better I'd say I was having withdrawls. Then a truly horrible thought occurred to me... What if I lose my jouirnal?! That would REALLY fuckin' suck! So I learned a lesson, from now on I'm going to save a back up on my computer.

I'm going to have to call customer service about my card. I set up for direct deposit of my paycheck and my employer shows it being deposited today but my statement shows nothing even indicating somebody accessed my account. I'm worried something somewhere might have gotten messed up... I'm going to call customer service tonight just to make sure. Fuck I hope this shit goes through properly...

Oh... my fucking... god! I wouldn't be able to stand being at this job long term! I've barely worked there and already I'm ready to go in-fucking-sane! It's not worth the pay, it's just not. Thank god I don't intend to be there too long but even as long as I am going to be there I think I'm going flip. Do you know how many dumb asses you can talk to on the phone in an hour??? Do you know what it's like to have them in your ear??? Then just to make it worse do you know what those are like when your equipment won't work right? Now add to that people who don't do their job right so you have to go fix it and supervisors who don't seem to want to do all of their job.... It's fucking bullshit! Not to mention that there is a whole bunch of shit you have to go through... upsells, bullshit questions, yada yada yaday... before you can even get to what the customer wants... I'm only on my second day of actually working and not training and I've already said fuck it on a lot of it. I'm doing what's best for the customer within reason. The people I work for say to do that but then they've got all this shit that goes against that. So I've just decided to say fuck it. I skipped about 50 million upsells and cancel save bullshit scripts. It's funny though, I may not do shit they way they're saying to and so my stats show that I have a 29% cancel save rate (they want 30% so I'm doing alright there even) in reality it's more like 75%. About 95% of the customers I talked to wanted my name because they said I was so good, I heard "You know, that's the best customer service I've ever had." or "Thank you so much, you're the first person I've talked to that really seems to care" and so many others like that. You know what though, even the accounts I didn't keep from closing I guarantee that most of them will be returning customers. Some of them even said that. I took a woman who was cussin' me from the moment I answered the phone and by the time I was done I had her laughing and telling me how wonderful I was for helping her. So FUCK the procedure! None the less, as soon as I can afford to I'm out of there.

*cries in relief* My VR is back!

*sighs*

Your Horoscope for MARCH 26, 2008



You should be in good spirits. You'll be able to look at the experiences that you are going through from a more positive perspective, seeing any challenges as opportunities for growth. You might even feel a little philosophical, and could reflect on the larger meaning of events in your life. An uplifting spiritual feeling will brighten your mood throughout the day, making you a magnet for attracting others.

I wonder why it is that occasionally I'll look down at my arm and expect my tattoo not to be there? It's strange...

One day I'll have sitting at my table some people that have meant a good deal to me in my life. They of course will bring people along with them and possibly so on. See, like I've said, for me friend=family. So this would be like a family re-union without the re. What would such a thing be without awesome food, fun times, and of course extended family? This is one of my most treasured goals.

Good friens will support you when you become the ruler of the world and uphold your decisions.



Best friends will stand behind you lauging their asses off at the kick me sign...

So I find that I feel good after an epiphany. It often leaves my mind relaxed and I usually have a surety that I don't otherwise have. It's good. Right now I feel clarity, good, and optimistic/hopeful. The horizon has some bright prospects.

Bob: *waves* Hey, how are you?



George: *aknowledges with a chin tilt* I'm actually feeling pretty good, I had an epiphany.



Harry: *raises eyebrow* Really? Was it your first?



George: *shrugs* I'm not really 100% sure on that.



Bob: I bet it was then. Was she annoyed?



George: *furls brow in curiosity* Annoyed? Why would who be annoyed?



Bob: Well I don't know about you but I didn't go but a few seconds my first time....

I've reached a point now where I feel it's time I do some things for myself. Yes, there will be other people taken into consideration but I need to do what I need to do. I won't allow myself to be a burden on others but at the same time I'm not going to continue to put myself out waiting for people to decide they are ready to meet me halfway. The deal with the ex is a prime example. I'm done. I'm still going to be her friend but she's put me in a tough spot because I trusted her enough to depend on her and take her at her word. Now I'm left holding the bag until she decides it's good for her, no. I'm going to take care of me and when she reaches that point she's going to have to carry it all on her own. I can't keep letting the rug get pulled out from under me. All this means is that I'm going to do what is necessary for me to finally get everything straight for myself. If that means living out of my car than I sure as fuck am going to do that. No more games, no more bull shit. I can't do that here though, I think I'll hang around here for a bit longer to get some things that I need and then it's onward. I also think it's time I cut certain people out of my life. Sadly, my father is one of these people. They only hold me back. I can't deal with the way I'm treated and it makes me somebody I don't like. It may only be temporary but that'll be determined whenever the time comes. Life IS a highway and it's time I see where mine goes.

So right now I’m trying to figure some things out. There are a couple things that need to be in a state of figured out that I thought I had but now they’re not figured out anymore so... *sighs* I’m back to square one on certain things and have found myself all the way to fuckin’ square 14 without even realizing I had gone anywhere on others. So the question right now is still what to do? I’m nearly optionless. I was given an option by somebody and even though I know they’re trying it isn’t an option I can take. It just wouldn’t be smart, reasonable, or realistic for me to do so. So then what? Well, I have two other options that come to mind at this point and one of them I want to avoid if I can. That leaves me 1. I’m unsure about it though. If I take that option that’ll mean giving up even the little bit of stability that I have now. It’s a risk. Having said that, the biggest rewards usually come from taking the biggest risks. As it stands right this moment I’m screwed. I don’t have what I need to be where I am. I refuse to take anymore steps back though, so moving forward is all I can do. The question is.. How?



So a little detail about that. My friend/ex gf is half way flaiking out on me about getting an apartment. Not 100% but I can't even have the 50%. I made things clear to her a while ago and she made it seem like she was good to go. Now she's not and so I'm basically screwed. So what are the options? Well, she offered to arrange for me to stay with one of her friends for a little while. It's not a good idea, I wouldn't be able to get to know them well enough soon enough for me to trust them enough. Plus, it's a girl. When it was her that I was moving in with I was ok with her being a her but not a stranger who I have absolutely no clue where I'd stand with. I won't be at the mercy of the kindness of a stranger, it's just stupid. I could arrange a place back in Boone I know but that would be taking steps backward, not gonna happen. So the only option I have, and it's only a tentative one, I might just go on and move to Huron. I don't know how I would do it but... Hell, it's nice enough out these nights that if I got a job I wouldn't mind sleeping in my car until I could get a place to live. Tina says she'll have me stay with her before she'll let me do that though, lol. As much as I like that idea I'm not sure I'd like taking the risk of being a burden on her. So, I'm just trying to figure it out. On the plus side, it'll only take me about $70 worth of gas to get to Huron, though I would need to watch the other fluids and replace the destroyed tire at the least, lol.

I guess there's a chance that I might just have to try it myself...

I just found out that American Idol is holding a competition for songwriters! The winner's song will be performed and recorded and all that goes with that from what I understand... That's one of my dreams! I would die if I could get my shit into that contest and even more so if I won! There's a catch: they need an audio version of the song. They don't need the complete score, they just want a basic idea of how the song is supposed to sound and they'll do the rest for you. The problem with that is that I can't sing well enough to give that idea and I can't actually write the music for somebody else to sing it, I don't have the knowledge necessary... So what do I do? I obviously need help in this. I know Tina can sing pretty damn good (honestly all she would need is some practice and I'd say she should go on the show as a contestant but...) so I might enlist her help. I'm just not quite sure though. I don't know, I need to figure something out though.

Shit shit shit shit shit! Fuck, what do I do??? I need somebody who's at least a little skilled in this or something close enough to it.

It's a word that in a way I've come to hate. That single word has a ridiculous ability to evoke reactions from me. *sighs*

Often I wish that things had gone the way that I meant them. Then there wouldn't be any lonelines. Well, that's how I like to believe it anyway.



Somebody to hold you close

Somebody to wipe your tears

Somebody to make you smile

Somebody to warm your heart

Somebody to be yours eternally



I just suddenly had to write that, dang muse pops up when it pleases.

Yeah you, you know who you are, I blame you for me being able to open up about my feelings for somebody that I haven't been able to for several years. I blame you for the fact that I can look at people with optimism now. I blame you because I'm falling for her as fast as I am. I blame you for saving me. I blame you for me being able to see that I have a chance to be happy. I blame you for me seeing the potential that life can have. I blame you for the good that I see in my life now. I blam you because you found your way past the walls and smashed them to bits before I knew it. Thank you.

Well that's just fuckin' great. The back tire on my fuckin' car just blew out! I don't have any fuckin' way of getting to work now! Fuckin' damn it! I don't have the money to buy a new tire either so that meanst that I'm probably going to have to see if my brother can loan me the money to get one. Fuck! I was waiting for this to happen too, I knew it needed a new tire but I couldn't get it and so I was hoping that it would last until I could... Fuck, fuck, fuck! Damn it! Piece of fuckin' shit car! I'm not sure what to do right now other than sit here, I'm going to miss ANOTHER day of work. Not that work is really that great but I can't really afford to go missing days... FUCK! *sighs* With everything I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to get on my feet. Just when things were looking good I now have two things going against me: 1) A place to live (which I THOUGHT I had figured out but...) and 2)Expense of my transportation. The second one isn't so bad but added in with the first one and it's looking like I'm going to be fucked. I was being a smart ass last night and said told Tina I might just go up there and live out of my car until I had a place since the nights were becoming fairly decent, that's actually becoming a serious consideration. Though, she says that I'll stay with her before I live on the streets, lol.

...and today is another day. It's lookin' good.

Me: "Thank you so much for calling me back and sorry, I don't mean to drag you down too. I just needed somebody to talk to."



Tina: "Hey, no problem. What are significant others for if not to be depressed with you?"



Later in the conversation...



Me: "Well, when you finish it I want to read it, k?"



Tina: "Ok, but you only get to read it because you're my boyfriend got it? Otherwise nobody ever reads my poetry."



That made me feel good, hard pleaser ain't I? lol



She just makes me feel good. When I hear that smile in her voice and I know it's because she's happy just talking to me that's an awesome feeling. Just the thought of her being happy makes me happy. I had a crush on her for the longest time but in just a short while it suddenly went from a crush to so much more! I'm not ready to say love yet but boy I tell ya I'm crazy about her! I swear that every time I talk to her I fall a little more!

It's amazing how just talking to certain people can make me feel so much better! I really do feel a lot better now that I've had the chance to talk to her. Sorry for all the extremely emo shit in the last few posts. I was just feeling really fucked up.

She called me back.

I'm feeling very forgotten and forsaken right now. I reached out to someone and... nothing. *sighs* Fuck, I don't know. I keep staring at my pocket knife and the more I do the friendlier it looks. As much as I want to I don't think I ever could though, not out of selfishness anyway. *sighs* Fuck, kill me. I just want it all to end, I want to die. Fuck. Yet, I'll go to bed tonight, tomorrow will come, and I'll get up and go about my day... I'm feeling very pathetic and worthless...

I tried to call Tina, she's either not around or not answering, I don't know. I guess it's really not her problem anyway.

Right now I think I'm going to log off, shut myself off to the world for the most part. I can't really disconnect myself completely though, it's not my place for one and because of that I can't shut off the phones for two.

I'm just right at that point where I feel like saying fuck it. I'm genuinely considering just taking off and disappearing, just fall off the face of the earth for a while. I was given that look into what it's like to have life be worth living, I don't know exactly what it was but now it's gone. I just feel like it isn't worth it, this world isn't worth it. If I do I'll probably hit a couple places and visit some friends here and there briefly. If I do that then once I disappear, if I can't find what it is I'm looking for, nobody will probably ever hear from me again. My last hope right now of seeing anything worth it is a person, it's not fair to them though so there's no way I'll tell them that. I need something to anchor me soon.

Wow, amazingly I haven't been sent any bites in a couple days. Are people actually starting to get it? If so, why did it take me blocking somebody for it to sink in? That really kinda pisses me off!

My poll has gotten a lot more "I don't care" responses than I expected. I think after I record the results I'll close it on Wednesday. Thank you to PiNkLuSt for approving it even after it had already been rejected!

I'm feelin' really good right now. It's funny how you don't realize just how much a problem effects you until it's gone. The steroid shit the doc put me on has completely eliminated the inflammation in my sinuses! It feels so friggin' weird, I've been dealing with it since I was a child and now it's gone... He says if I use the nasal spray like I'm supposed to that it'll stay this way once I'm off the steroids, I can't say I'd mind that one bit! He also says that I need to get on claritan for my allergies, apparently the reason it doesn't help me is because of the chronic inflammation. Once I get all this under control the claritan is supposed to be able to do it's job... Yay, lol. I'll be happy if that's the case. Back before it all got so bad (mind you this was before I hit puberty) I actually had a good singing voice, maybe it'll be ok again once it's being properly treated? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little hopeful. It's a little annoying that I've been going to doctors for this for a little over a decade and I just now am finally finding a solution! What the fuck?! Why couldn't any of the other doctors I've seen figure this out? Oh well, I'm just glad that I'll finally be getting rid of this even if I do have to take meds for the rest of my life to treat it. It's not like there are 18 million pills I have to take. Once I get cleared up it'll be 1-2 pills a day and the nasal spray once a day. I'm really looking forward to the idea of actually being able to breathe through my nose and not having to keep my mouth open so I don't slowly suffocate.

I've been on and off my comp all day today. For some strange reason I felt compelled to spend time with my dad and brother. Normally I can't stand it because of all the smoke and the fact that it's usually just sitting there watching some tv show I don't like. It was alright though, I actually kinda enjoyed my day.

Once a while back somebody asked me what I value above all else, at the time I had no clue and so I said "Nothing". Today I finally know what it is: friendship. To me friend=family. Those who I have come to call such mean more to me than anything else. When most people measure wealth they count how many financial assets they have, I measure the depth and strength of my friendships.

The doctor's got me on a dose pack of steroids for the sever inflammation of my sinuses and apparently it really fucks with me. I mean, it sends me out beyond fuckin' pluto man. I become more erratic and eccentric, not to mention that my sarcasm seems to go unchecked.

I'M SO BOOOOOOOOORED! SOMEBODY ENTERTAIN ME DAMN IT!!! I WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN!!! *sighs* I'd really just like to chill with some friends, ya know? *sighs* Why do my friends have to be spread all over hell and back damn it?

Apparently my ability to shoot a target accurately at 300 yards with a rifle makes me scary... I remember my Drill Sergeant getting upset with me over that, he couldn't understand why I could hit the 300 yard target everytime but I had a habit of missing the one at 50 yards... Maybe I should become a sniper... (jk)... I have seriously considered becoming a cop or something, S.W.A.T. perhaps... Ehh, it's something to think about... (Don't most people know go through this phase when they're a kid?)



It's strange, for as much as I dislike guns you wouldn't think I'd miss firing them. I do though. Maybe I should get a rifle strictly for recreational purposes, target practice. I don't know.

I wonder why it is that I can draw quite well, just not out of my own mind. I can look at something and draw it (people excluded), that includes the art of others, but I cannot draw my own original work that's in my head. Why?

Fuck.. I REALLY need to get laid right now but my girl lives a little over 6 hours from here! Damn I'm just so fecking horny though! *sighs* Damn it, what do you do when the hand won't work and you can't get any?

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queenofchaos
23:51 Mar 22 2008

Power of the imagination.

If you think about it...you could.



You don't touch yourself during a wet dream right? Same idea..



ROTFL...I can't believe i am writing this....

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Blackenheart
00:19 Mar 23 2008

LOL love thyself and take yourself away

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Man... I feel like getting stoned, wasted, and laid... Not necessarily in that order.

I have just added the first person to my block list for biting. It's sad really, from looking at their pro they don't seem all that bad but that doesn't change a thing. What makes it worse is that they have a bit in their pro about people needing to add a line to their comment so that she knows they read her profile and they obviously didn't read mine! 1 down, umteen more to go.

*recovers from heart attack* Oh my fucking god I freaked! I accidently clicked the clear journal link!! I didn't realize that it took you to a page to make your choices before it did anything, lol.

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queenofchaos
23:53 Mar 22 2008

Hmmm, good to know...I almost clicked it, and thought OMG!

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I hate running a fever.



I'm thinking that when I get my place that I should celebrate by getting stoned for the first time. I'm FINALLY getting into a position where I won't have to worry about it. It's always been too much of a risk before. My room mate can get some from her mother apparently.



Right now I'm just so.. fuck.. yeah...

No comment... Just no comment...

Left, your left right. Get on down, now stop! And beat your face! 4th platoon's gonna rock this place!



Just thinking back, this was one of my platoon's favorite cadences.

This is just one of those things that tickles my funny bone so I had to share.



Morrigon :

14:07:51 - Mar 22 2008

well I blame it all on PlacidChaos







Jens :

14:07:53 - Mar 22 2008

Yep. AHA... that's why they want Abaddon in Rose Noir... I see how it is... lol







ladyofdragonrose :

14:07:58 - Mar 22 2008

hugs tammy... if youve tried to call girl my mom is in the hospital...so ive been running back and forth from the laundry room to the apartment







SYSTEM :

14:08:01 - Mar 22 2008

Joli has left the room.







placidchaos :

14:08:13 - Mar 22 2008

wait, I just got here...







Jens :

14:08:14 - Mar 22 2008

Sorry to hear that Cindy...







Morrigon :

14:08:20 - Mar 22 2008

it doesn't matter







ladyofdragonrose :

14:08:39 - Mar 22 2008

i need to reset my password to daciana like today? lol







Blazewolf :

14:08:44 - Mar 22 2008

lol jens







placidchaos :

14:08:46 - Mar 22 2008

Uh oh, umm, what am I being blamed for?







Morrigon :

14:09:11 - Mar 22 2008

Abbadon going around rating people 1's







vamplez :

14:09:16 - Mar 22 2008

are you Abaddon placidchaos?







vamplez :

14:09:23 - Mar 22 2008

LOLOL







placidchaos :

14:09:26 - Mar 22 2008

Not that I know of







Jens :

14:09:32 - Mar 22 2008

Abaddon wants 1's... so it's ok. :)







ladyofdragonrose :

14:09:34 - Mar 22 2008

nah its out its me lol







placidchaos :

14:09:36 - Mar 22 2008

you never know with me

HOLY FUCKIN' HELL I NEED TO BURN SOME ENERGY! WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS! I'M ALWAYS HYPER BUT THIS IS LIKE I'VE SUDDENLY LOST THE ABILITY TO SUBDUE AND CHANNEL THAT ENERGY! I THINK THE VALVE ON MY ENERGY FAUCET MUST'VE GONE BAD! lol

My mom always told me that she wouldn't have to worry about anybody kidnapping me because even if they did they'd pay her anything to take me back... I'm actually starting to see some truth to that, lol.

Hostage taker: *points gun at my head* "I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD! IF YOU MAKE ONE MORE, JUST ONE MORE FUCKING SMART ASS COMMENT I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"



Me: *assumes an expression of innocent curiosity* "Wait, what if I say a smart ass comment instead of making one, will that count?"



Hostage taker: *puts hands to head* "THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" *RUNS TO THE DOOR AND DROPS GUN* "THAT'S IT I GIVE UP! JUST GET ME THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS GUY!"



Me: *runs to the door after the hostage taker* "Hey! Wait! Was it something I said?"

I've been going through anime withdrawls. I'm going insane without it! I've been so desperate that I've been watching clips off youtube that have my favorite shows in them. How sad is that?

Why is it that the people that I really feel like being around and hangin' with aren't anywhere near me?

Damn it! There's a song that I'm really wanting to hear but I can't remember the lyrics, title, or the artist!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ya know, I think that's the first thing I'm gonna do when I turn 21... I'm going to buy a lottery ticket, I would die if by some miraculous chance I won, lol.

Assuming that things work like in Faust or other myths like it, is there anything you would trade your soul for? For me the answer is yes.

I don't know exactly what the deal is but today I just feel like curling up in the corner of a dim room and staying there. For some reason I'm feeling a little defeated. Why? I don't know...

I should go back to bed. I fell asleep around 2 and then woke back up for some reason. Who knows? Anyway, time for some shut eye.

It pisses me the fuck off that people will rate me a 10 and leave comments on my profile and then make it clear that they obviously didn't actually read it or didn't care enough to pay attention to the bit that has the biggest font size on my page. Fuck off! If you are doing it to get my attention, fuck off. If you are doing it to flirt, same goes, I HAVE a girl friend. If you are doing it because I say not to, fuck off. No matter what the reason is, fuck off. There are a couple exceptions to that but if I don't know you then guess what? The exception does NOT apply to you! No more fucking biting!

YES! I have money! lol

I was scrolling through my comments, looking over them just for the hell of it. I saw it, there it was just waiting for me. I stopped dead and stared at it for a little while. My eyes even watered. No matter what I say or do it's still inside of me. The only reason it affected me this strongly is because it was a bit of a shock, I wasn't expecting to see that. Still, it doesn't change the fact that it had the affect it did. Fuck. I wonder if Tina can accept me and that this is just something that's there? I hope so. I don't want to mess things up with her but I can't change this. I've been trying and trying but it's just beyond my ability to do so. It's funny how three little words can have such a profound affect on a person and they're not even the three words most people have a problem with. They just highlighted the loss. What I never had but wanted ever so badly. Part of me still wants it, that's just another one of those things that I can't change. I hope that she can accept that about me because she is wonderful and I'm really starting to fall for her.

When a guy is so horny he can't see straight and has the chance to sleep with a hot girl but won't because he has a girl friend even if she wouldn't find out... Sadly, I think most guys would do it. I won't. I don't care how fucking horny I am or that I could get away with it. Damn me and my caring for her and my personal standards anyway, lol. I could never bear the knowledge that I had betrayed her like that and it isn't worth the risk of hurting and losing her. I suppose that means I should ask her if she minds the fact that I have porn of my ex and if she does I should get rid of it...

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Bones
06:26 Mar 22 2008

Heh, it's not always about sex. Unfortunately, some women are so full of themselves they'd never a believe a man could ever think otherwise.

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"Show me death and I will show you the nature of man. Show me freedom and I will show you a blank page. Show me the shadows and I will show you your fears."

There are a couple people on this site that even though my interaction with them has been limited and I can't really say we are friends that I have decided to make honarary members of "my circle" more or less. Basically, for whatever reason I have developed a fondness of them and so... Fuck with them and die.

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Bones
05:44 Mar 22 2008

You mean, 'honorary'.



Oh.... We're all gonna die....some day!

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placidchaos
05:57 Mar 22 2008

NOOOOO! I have a typo and I can't edit without losing the comment and for some strange reason I like having comments in my journal! Not all of us, I'm gonna live forever. 'Least that's what the song says....

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Randomly triggered thought: say “we nerds” really fast…..

Yo mama’s so fat that she fell into the Grand Canyon and got stuck.



Yo mama’s so fat she has her own zip code.



Yo mama’s so dumb she thought she would get paid for a boob job.



Yo mama’s so ugly she made a blind man scream.



Yo mama’s so dumb that her IQ is “huh?”.



Yo mama’s so dumb that she thought Animal Planet was filmed on another world.



Yo mama’s so dumb her IQ is blonde.



Yo mama’s so fat her waste size is Texas.



Yo mama’s so dumb that when I said “Knock Knock” she went to answer the door.

I really feel like opening a "Yo Mama" joke thread in the sandbox but something tells me it wouldn't go over very well...

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Bones
03:46 Mar 22 2008

Heh, but it might get some attention in your journal, lol!

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Friend: "The day isn't complete for you unless you've had the chance to be a smart ass is it? If you knew you wouldn't be able to all day you'd probably never get up."



Me: "Indeed, my entire reason to exist would fade if I couldn't be a smart ass! In fact, the mere thought of it is more than I can bear!" *Feigns a seizure*



Friend: "Ha ha, Fuckin' smart ass." *rolls eyes*

None of my favorite journals have their long winded, intriguing rants, or deep insightful posts that I've grown accustomed to today. Although, I've got to hand it to Jbloodaxe on some truly beautiful poetry. That alone made it worth looking at my favorite journals list, plus I got the chance to be a bit of a smart ass on somebody else's.

I wasn't thinking of doing that to be mean or anything, I'm just a smart ass like that and I had noticed that he seemed to have been on a thread killing spree this afternoon (all justly but it still triggered my smart assness). I know he's not a bad guy and doesn't go killing threads for the hell of it. I know this because when I thought he had killed one of my threads unjustly I spoke to him about it and after some conversation and explanation of it he did allow it to be returned. In fact, I find him to be quite a nice guy and reasonable.

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Joli
07:21 Mar 22 2008

That's JUST what he wants you to think...right before the kill! ;)

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*gasps* It would seem that some people have given the wonderful creator of this place, my home at home on the net, less then 10 for a rate!

Sometimes I wish I that I knew everything, literally. To have all the knowledge in the world, that would be something. On the other hand, that would mean knowing things that I really don't want to know... Hmmmm

Ohh, I'm tempted to be such a smart ass right now but I don't think it's a good idea... I feel like posting to the main forum.... To STABB: Howdy!



Something tells me that he would not like this very much, lol.

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Bones
02:48 Mar 22 2008

Why don't you just send him a message? He's not as bad of a guy as some think he is, and who knows.... You may even make a new friend. ;)

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There is a new forum post about etiquette in these and I have one issue with said etiquette: There really isn't much that I woudn't say in public or to family memebers depending so those guidelines really wouldn't work for me. I'm just that much of a smart ass. *chuckles*

lol, still havin' a problem getting a job?

Jenna says:

not really... but I just have to get down to it

Jenna says:

lol

Jason says:

lol, ok, well if you need any employers taken care of mob style let me know... *punches store manager in the stomach in a dark alley* "So you said my cousin starts when?"... lol, jk

Jenna says:

lol

Jenna says:

I'll keep that in mind

Jason says:

heh heh heh

Jason says:

just wait until you get engaged and mean it... Then I'll break out some white on white... lol, jk

Jenna says:

Ha!

Jason says:

lol, You don't believe I would?

Jenna says:

no, I do. that is why it is funny

Jason says:

*evil laughter*

So my latest thing (and I have no idea why it is) is offering to take care of people mob style and then following with an rp type dramatization of doing so... Don't ask, I really don't know but it amuses me.

My cousing, who's only about 1 1/2-2 years younger than me didn't recognize this quote: "I would gladly pay you on Tuesday for a hamburger today." That is just SO WRONG! What is wrong with this world? That's like the kid I talked to that was buying one of the more modern Mario games and he had absolutely NO CLUE that Mario got his start in the original Donkey Kong on the Atari system... What the FUCK?!?

It sounds like my definition of family except that it doesn't just include women. Something that far too few see is that family doesn't mean related and related does not mean family. The ones I call myself a friend of are people who I consider to be part of my family. I call it "my circle" (I've been calling it that since before alltel existed). Then I have relatives who I won't even acknowledge.

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SinginGhost88
04:08 Mar 22 2008

My family mainly consists of females. Hence why it was sent through our emails...



Even males animals we kept never lasted within our home.

What can i say.... Estrogen kills =D

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I've been thinking about it and I realized that I'm really don't have that much debt. It's just a few thousand dollars from medical expenses. Unfortunately there's always been some valid reason why I couldn't pay it off. When I got the debt my insurance had just run out and I lost my job due to them not being willing to work with me and my needs at the time (I wasn't allowed to stand any longer than was absolutely necessary). Since then there's always been something. When I worked at the factory and was making enough money that I could have paid it in about 2 paychecks I ended up not being able to because it became necessary for me to buy a car and it was on or the other at that point. When I stopped working there the jobs I had after I didn't make enough at to pay anything off. I was going to use my $20,000 sign on bonus from the military to pay it all off but I obviously didn't get it so I couldn't. Now it's coming to crunch time and thankfully I will be able to start paying it with the job I have now. Well, that's actually questionable since I need to buy a car once more... Fuckin' cars.

Here's a list of what's wrong with it: Lifter going out, pulley going bad, transmission going bad, fucked up steering column, turn signal out of commission, brights don't work, driver side door handle doesn't work, an invisible oil leak somewhere, an invisible anti-freeze leak somewhere., thermostat doesn't work, bolt on the left control arm bar is sheered off, e-brake is losing tension (that's from me using it as my regular brakes when they were out), fuel tank is jimmy rigged, heater doesn't work properly, and I'm sure there are more things I haven't remembered in the list (let's not forget that I just spent a little over $100 to fix my brakes). All totalled the repairs it needs would cost more than the car is worth... !?! I'm looking to finance a car through carhop but... I don't know yet. If I can find one cheap that I can buy in one shot that runs good then I'll probably go that route, I'm not getting my hopes up on that though.



Oh yeah *note to self: pay $75 on ticket before the second*.



*sighs* Fuck....

I've decided that I REALLY need to do SOMETHING about my credit. I can't even get a credit card. I want to own a house eventually, hopefully before I'm 30. At the rate I'm going that's not going to happen though. Hmm.

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Kontradiction
21:59 Mar 21 2008

:::sigh::



i'm in the same boat. all you can do is pay off all the old debts, while asking the companies to take off the charge offs.

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Aunt Patty: I know life sucks rocks sometimes and it IS so frustrating. I have spent years trying to get my friends to initiate conversations with me. I have come ot the realization that I need to talk to people sooner than they need to talk to me. I can either wait or start the convo. I jsut leanred to accept it thru the years.



Me: Yeah, that makes sense. I still feel like bopping them on their heads for it sometimes though, lol.



Aunt Patty: WEll, if you get around to that let me know how it works for you. My friends didn't take to well to being bopped on the head. But you nevr know, it may work out ok for you. Gotta run.

Hang in there. Just go get a pillow,let out a good scream in it, and then shake it off. Take two and call someone in the morning



Me: lol, Will do. Have fun!

There's an AWESOME looking movie coming out next month on the 18th and I MUST go see it, lol. It's called The Forbidden Kingdom.



So I found out that the funds that I thought were supposed to be put back on my card today don't get back on there until MIDNIGHT.... Fuckin' A! Everytime I check it's a little longer 'til I get my money back. I swear to whatever fucking god is listening that if it isn't back on there come midnight that I'm tracking some mother fuckers down and shovin' my foot up some ass!

Heart: "It's time."



Heart: "No! I won't!"



Heart: "Come now, you know it's time. You need to let go."



Heart: "I'm not ready... I'm scared!"



Heart: "I know. There's nothing else to do. You've held on longer than anyone could have expected, now it's time to move on." *begins leading away*



Heart: *starts crying silently* "It's just not fair."



Heart: "I know it isn't. Hopefully this one won't end the same way. Now let's go."



Heart: "Ok." *sighs*

*pummels self* Quit it damn it!

Why is it that I only seem to have girls flirting with me when I'm not available? Today my brother's neighbor was flirting so obviously, she's definitely easy on the eyes too. I am NOT available though. I don't know how many times I passed by her on the sidewalk when I was and she didn't do much more than glance at me.... W...T...F? Ah well, I DO have a girl so I'm NOT going to worry about it.

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Bones
06:38 Mar 21 2008

Forbidden fruit is always sweeter.... Or somethinglike that...

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I hate being sick. I'm so... friggin'... exhauste! Bed.. Now... It's so early, ugh.

Early bed for me tonight, ugh. I'm thinking about getting up in the morning to go down to a car dealership just to look, see what they've got and what it'll cost me. I NEED a new car.

I don't really feel like I'm going to puke but I feel like I need to. Damn I just wish this would go away.



Today I didn't get to talk with Tina as long because she's not feeling any better than I am. *sighs* I can't wait 'til I get to go visit her...



Ok, maybe I do feel like I actually am going to puke.

I need to remember to take some pictures, I promised Tina I would. I just need to figure out how to do it.

Have you ever had one of those days where there was nothing you could really do to satisfy yourself? Fuck it sucks. I really need to get laid.

What is it that's so intriguing about people doing things with their body that the human body is not meant to be able to do?

This is disturbingly intriguing. It's like somebody took what would seem to be pretty good brains and skill and applied them to something utterly ridiculous... I almost felt like I wanted to laugh for a moment but then I was hypnotized by it! What the fuck is up with this?



http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/252970/

Fuck I feel like shit, I feel like takin' a nap.



A little semi-nostalgia...



Left your left (Hey!) Left right your left (You got it) Left your left (Hey!) Left right your left (You got it) Leeeeft right your left (Drill Sergeant get busy one time) Le-eft right your left (Pump pump pump pump it up!)

Shit, my sinus infection took a turn for the worse today. I've got shit drainin' down the back of my throat, I keep having to stop myself from vommitting, and my head is killing me. The antibiotics I've been taking aren't working so I've got an appointment to see the doc tomorrow. I need a really good decongestant (pseudoephedrine doesn't do anything for me and neither does claritan) and some stronger antibiotics. Hopeully I can get rid of this.

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KCRC
15:38 Mar 20 2008

Dude:



I'm in the same boat only with Bronchitis as well. My Dr. put me on a decongestant / expectorant called Phenavent LA. It is working great getting my nose cleared out. He also put me on Zithromax which is a 5 day antibiotic. I'm only on the 2nd day so I'm not 100% sure it will do the job, but it's worth asking about.



Good luck and I hope you feel better

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Holy crap I feel like shit. My throat is raw as hell on the one side from sinus drainage, my sinuses are fucked up, and I feel like I'm about to vomit. On top of that I'm in a lot of pain. I would consider calling in to work today but I don't remember the number that I'm supposed to call. I think I'm going to have to go see the doc for this, the meds I have just aren't helping any. I'm probably going to need the super antibiotics. I'm just going to go in to work and tough it out and maybe I'll get in to see a dr after or tomorrow. That's assuming I don't throw up first...

One more day of work training and then a 3 day weekend because they won't give us holiday pay in training, woo hoo, lol. Friday I should have some moolah so boo-fuckin'-yah, lol. Of course I should have more money in 5 days (that's counting the 20th) because I got direct deposit so if I understand it correctly that's when the pay'll be there. Yeayah. Things are really starting to fall into place almost perfectly. They were good before but now they're almost perfect. I hope this trend keeps up. Tina seems to be really into me and I've had a crush on her since the 9th grade, lol. My financial life is looking good, my home life is on it's way to good, and my love life is looking really good. I feel like I'm on cloud nine right now, I'm just wondering if something's going to come along to knock me off. I'm not gonna worry about it right now though, I'm just goin' with the flow.

Another few hour long conversation with Tina. It seems to me that we are progressively talking more often and just as long if not longer each time. I don't mind, I like talking to her. I love how I can instantly hear the smile in her voice when she realizes it's me. She keeps saying things that butter me up, I know that's not why she's saying them but I'm a bit of a sap so... lol. Right now I really feel like I want to kiss her, *sighs*, I have to be patient though. Falling is just such a wonderful feeling, it's even better when you don't land on your face. I'm hoping this will turn out to be something. She's definitely someone I can see myself still being with years down the road. I really love this feeling.

I was just talking to Tina, she's having a really bad day. Her family is having some troubles, she injured her hand at work, and to top it off she has a cold. Just not a good day. She's feeling a little depressed obviously. I'm thinking that when I have my money back on friday that I might order her a bouquet of Ixia, they're her favorite flower. I think it might help cheer her up. I really can't wait 'til June so I can go see her.

Today I found out that I'm going to be getting $600 because the government us trying to avoid a depression. I don't see how giving out a bunch of money is going to do that but I'm not arguing, lol.

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Bones
00:28 Mar 20 2008

I think they assume most people will run right out to their local mall, and buy things. Thus improving the economy.... I guess they don't know us very well, huh?!

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I actually went to bed in a really good mood last night. I'm just a bit of a sap you know and Tina was pushing the right buttons to butter me up, lol. I've always had a crush on her as long as we've been friends. I'm a little worried because I feel myself falling for her a little faster than I anticipated and I think that's partly because we already have most of the ground work if you know what I mean. The thing is, I've been her before and it hasn't been that long ago. Part of me is feeling happy and excited while anothe part of me is feeling paranoid. I don't know but I'm gonna go with it. One thing about me is that I don't consider a relationship unless I think there's a chance of something long term. Well, I have to be honest when asked.



Jason Scott: what's the worst surprise you've ever gptten?

Tina Long: that bill from the collection agency that I was never told about

Jason Scott: yikes

Jason Scott: *note to self: hunt down and pummel collectors*

Jason Scott: what's the best surprise?

Tina Long: lol, lately you actualy

/



/

Jason Scott: ok, if you could ask me ANY one question, what would it be? (if you have one and are willing to share)

Tina Long: what kind of relationship are you looking for at the moment

Jason Scott: To be honest I'd like a long term relationship

Tina Long: you just made my night



Like I said, I'm a bit of a sap. Those were good buttons to be pushed, lol. I have that nervous excited feeling that feels like a flutter in my chest. *sighs and smiles* I know I know, lol.

I've decided that me being exhausted and not feeling well is the result of my job. It's not like I'm actually doing anything so I shouldn't be so worn out, I think it's mental fatigue. Over the weekend I didn't sleep anymore than I have been on work days and yet I felt fine. This training is fucking ridiculous, there is absolutely no good fuckin' reason why we shouldn't be ready to actually start our jobs, the only reason is that the training is a joke! I think I should say something to somebody. This sinus infection I've got goin' on isn't helping any either. I've at least have to make it through June at this job, I at least have to make it through June. Speaking of which...



I found out that we get 8 hours of paid time off at the end of every month. That means that I'll have 24 hours of pto by June! I'm looking forward to that, if I get the right shift from work I might be able to swing it to have almost a whole week off for my birthday, I'm going to go visit Tina for it. That would be cool if I could spend a whole week with her. I really can't wait!

*sighs with mingled content and dissatisfaction* This has a little bit of a familiar feel to it, makes me a little paranoid...

*heart melts* Ah, it really didn't take much. No, I'm not going into anymore detail.

I dozed off for about a minute earlier but it was long enough to have one bizarre dream. In it I was living in Buffalo, NY. Deanna, Christina, and TIna were all three living there with me. Christina's little sis was there but she wasn't actually part of the dream. I had a kid but I don't know who the mother was because it kept calling all three of them mommy...?! Yeah. The head of one of Deanna's exes was on the wall and so was the head of a guy I know Christina had a crush on (I have no clue what he looks like in realy life though). It was just weird.

Is there anybody you'd kill for? Is there anybody you'd die for? Is there anybody you'd give up everything for? Is there anybody you'd live for?

I'm just going to be honest, despite everything I'm jealous of the mere idea damn it.

Man, I've really gotta get over this feeling. It's not fair to me or anybody else involved.

Now that's what I'm talkin' about. One scalding shower so hot that the shower head looks like it's blowing 40% steam and I'm good to go!

ugh, I'm feeling so anti-work right now. I feel really tired and a little crappy. I've decided that it's because I'm waking up this time of the morning. Normally I stay up later and so I don't get up until later. It's messin' me up. I'm half tempted to go back to bed today.

I talked to Tina for a little over two hours tonight, that's not unusual anytime we talk on the phone. I was figuring up how much gas and money it will take to go visit her. It's about $140 round trip for gas, that's a rough estimate based on 18 miles to the gallon, $3.10 per gallon, and it being a 401 mile trip one way. My car gets anywhere from 18-23 miles to the gallon (possibly more but I'm not sure) so it may take less than that. I could probably actually afford it on my second paycheck. We're talking about me going there for my birthday so that we can go out together for it, she's a couple years older than me so she can drink with me. That would be awesome. That'll be easy as hell to swing at this point too. I'll be able to pay what I'll owe for rent and utilities from one week of work and that means I'll be able to save up like crazy, that's only a rough estimate though. My birthday isn't until June 15 so that'll give me just under three months. It might not be unreasonable to do something sooner and that too, we'll see. I do have to take into account that I'll be losing my state aid soon. Never the less, if I work out a budget it will be easy to do. I'm excited!

This is one of those times when I look back and think "Damn I was an idiot." There are a couple things that I could and should have done differntly but I did them the way I did because it was "responsible". Though, is doing the wrong thing responsible? No matter how right it seemed at the time it didn't turn out that way, it was the most responsible choice at the time but that still doesn't make it the right one.

SHIT DAMN FUCK! *grumbles loud, agressive, vulgar, and incoherently*

This is one of those times when I wish I was rich....

I love VR chat, it makes it easier for me to come out of my shell and talk to people for some reason. I don't know why but I'm just more comfortable talking on there then trying to msg someone.

Even though I know there aren't many Iowans who are VR members, I wonder just how many frequent the site member or not?

I'm not a racist person but I'll be honest and say that I do laugh at racist jokes. I'm laughing at the stereotype though. People look shocked at hearing those jokes sometimes and then turn around and laugh their asses off at a blonde joke, they have no clue that it's the SAME THING!



I actually had somebody ask me, "How would you like it if somebody told a joke that stereotyped you?"



I just blinked at them and said, "You just did about 5 minutes ago."

"No, I told a blonde joke."



"Yeah, I don't know if you've noticed but my hair is blonde."



There really is no difference between them but for some reason a great deal of society sees them as different. As long as people aren't believing the stereotype to be universally true, aren't being discriminatory about it, and the people the joke stereotypes that are around to hear it when it's told aren't offended then there's nothing wrong with it. If I go tell a black joke and some other ethnicity/race is offended while a black guy's laughin' I'm not going to give a shit. If I tell an asian joke and an asian is offended while others laugh I'm going to feel like shit and go apologize. One of my favorite "racist" jokes was told to me by someone of the ethnicity/race that it stereotyped! Hell, I tell black jokes, latino jokes, blonde jokes, and I even know one joke that hits black people, hispanic people, and chinese people all in one shot (I do tend to be careful about telling that one though because it is offensive to some, I rarely tell it as a result). As long as they're cool with it I'll tell a joke like that to anybody. It's like Carlos Mencia said, "If there's black joke that I wouldn't tell in Oakland, then I shouldn't tell it anywhere." In other words, if you feel comfortable telling it to the ethnicity/race and it doesn't offend them then there's nothing wrong with it. Bare in mind though that just because one person from an ethnicity/race has one reaction to it, it doesn't mean that everybody who claims to be one of them will. Just be respectful.

Stanley, I haven't met anybody under 35 who was named any form of that name and it's been years since I've met anyone who was. It was my great grandfather's name.



Freda, I've only ever met and heard of one person named this and that was my great grandmother.



Trella, Once again, only one person I know of and that was my other great grandmother.



Teresa, I can't tell you how long it's been since I've met somebody with that name.



Mason, I've only known one person with this name... I hated them so badly.



Tara, I know of one girl my age with that name, I had a crush on her in the second-fourth grades. I ran into her while I was working at Wal-Mart.



Various compound names like Betty Lou.



Stacy, I haven't met a Stacy in ages.



Daryl (sp?), I've never met one of these.



Daren, I think I knew one at summer camp when I was 7.



Jennifer, I know one but the name seems to have stopped being given after about 1990.



Mable, I've never met one but I've heard the name.



June, I had an aunt June and she's the only person I've ever known with that name but I know there have been others.



Jane, I see variations such as Janet but no Jane.



Patricia, my aunt is the only one I know of by that name even though I know there have to be others out there.



Tessa, I remember that I knew one when I was a kid and that's where the name Tess was derived from so there must be some out there but where?



Dana, I see Deannas and Diannas and other similar names but no Danas.



Frank, how many Franks are left out there?



If I sit and think for a while I'm sure I could come up with more but I think that's enough for now.

I've decided that when/if I have kids I want them to have truly unique names, names that when they go to school there won't be anybody else in that school with that name. However, I don't want to give them something totally bizarre and way out there. I have met kids whose parents did this and some of the names made me want to slap their parents and say, "What the FUCK were you thinking? You might as well have tattooed 'make my life miserable' on them!"

I've got at least 3 trips that I'm planning on taking this year. I want to go to Huron to see Tina, I want to go visit Christina, and there's an anime convention a few hours away that I want to go to. I need to buy a new car, yes mine's working but for how long? It gets worse all the time. I'm getting an apartment again soon so I'm going to need to buy furniture and shit to put in it. I really need to add music to my library. I want to purchase the book I'm already published in and the two I'm getting published in. My 21 birthday is this June but I'm still debating what I'm going to do for it, I know I want to have some fun. I should try to get a cell phone this year, I get a discount with Sprint because of my job so I'm going to look into that. At some point I need to get a new computer (it can be used as long as it's in good condition). I'd like to get a Wii but that's a low item on my priority list. I need to buy a whole new wardrobe just about, most of the clothes I have are already too big and I'm planning on losing more weight (I'm shooting for 190, only about 15-20 pounds to go but they're not coming off as well lately). I want to get another tattoo sometime, not the highest on my priority list. I need to get a new pair of boots, mine got ruined over a year ago but I haven't gotten around to buying new ones. I should pay off a few of my debts. I should go to college this fall like I've been planning but... I want to save up to get a permanent fix on my front teeth, having a partial just isn't acceptable. I'm considering getting my hunting liscense and a rifle so I can go hunting (I LOVE venison).



I'm sure there's a lot more I could add but I think that's enough for now.

In 9 days is the concert that I've been dying to go to.... and I won't be able to go! Damn it!

Damn I wish tomorrow were pay day so I could get the fuck out of here!

"What can I get for you today sir?"



"Hmm, let me see... I think I'll start off with an order of torture and then I'll have some mutilation. Oh, and I'll take a glass of despair."



"Excellent choices! And for dessert may I suggest brutal death?"



"Ahh, that would be lovely!"

I like to observe the world, people, interactions, and etc... One of my favorite things to observe is conversation between friends. It's intriguing. For me, friends are as good as family. If I ever introduce or refer to someone as my friend that's an equivalent to me calling them my sibling. I know it's not the same for everybody and that's part of what makes it so interesting to observe friends. You can often tell the level of closeness between two people simply by how they speak to one another, even in type.

The Guys' Rules



At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)





We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!



1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.



1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.



1. Crying is blackmail.



1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!



1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to

almost every question.



1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.

See a doctor.



1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7days.



1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't

expect us to act like soap opera guys.



1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.



1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and

one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the

other one.



1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how

you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.



1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to

say during commercials.



1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and

neither do we.



1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default

settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is

also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.



1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.



1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.



1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

expect an answer you don't want to hear.



1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything

you wear is fine...Really.



1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are

prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the

shotgun formation, or monster trucks.



1. You have enough clothes.



1. You have too many shoes.



1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.



1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;



but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like

camping.

"So what in this life pisses you off the most?"



"People."



"Really? I guess I can see people pissing you off. What makes you happy the most?"



"Ehh, people."



"That's a nice balance."



"Yeah, I sure thought so."

*climbs into an opaque sound proof box, shuts the lid, and curls up in the silent darkness*

Even though it made/makes me happy that I asked Tina out and she said yes, I'm starting to feel like crap. Suddenly I'm feeling like I've betrayed one person and hurt another... *sighs* Damn it!

Sometimes.... *sighs*

Jason Scott (3/14/2008 5:26:59 PM): lol, gotcha, I thought maybe you'd dozed offf



Tina Long (3/14/2008 5:27:20 PM): lol, never



Jason Scott (3/14/2008 5:27:28 PM): lol, kk



Jason Scott (3/14/2008 5:29:57 PM): you know, sometimes I wonder what would have happened and how things would be now if I had asked you out back in hs



Tina Long (3/14/2008 5:30:39 PM): I probibly would have taken a job in Iowa after college



Jason Scott (3/14/2008 5:31:02 PM): yeah...



Tina Long (3/14/2008 5:32:08 PM): never to late to try



Jason Scott (3/14/2008 5:32:31 PM): So if I asked you out right now what would you say?



Tina Long (3/14/2008 5:32:48 PM): yes



Jason Scott (3/14/2008 5:33:10 PM): Ok, good, because I'm going to... Will you go out with me?



Tina Long (3/14/2008 5:33:25 PM): of course







Not any of my exes, the one person I never did and it left me wondering. She said yes... It took me about 4 years to ask her out...



Edi- 7:43 t~ I thought about it a little bit and I realized that it's actually been closer to 6 years... Damn...

So I sat down today and talked with the ex that I've been having some issues with and we were both completely honest with each other. We are still friends. As it turns out we were both just a rebound relationship for the other, go figure, lol. That's cool though. After we talked things were a lot less tense between us too. It also made things easier because I was afraid she would have a really bad reaction to me asking Tina out but after that I felt comfortable enough to tell her. She was completely accepting. In a strange and small way I'm a little disappointed that she took it as well as she did, it's not like I wanted to hurt her but part of me was hoping that she still had a minute amount of feelings for me. None the less I'm glad she doesn't. It will make things much easier.

I'm not out of touch with reality, I'm just in touch with a different one than you.



I thought that quote up and so I had to journal it before I frogot. Well boys, girls, men, women, ladies, gentlemen, skanks, sleeze balls, and anybody else not covered therein: Good night.

I get this message from someone tonight and I have no clue who they are, all they say is "hey". I don't have anything against greetings but I prefer that they be accompanied by something a little more. Nothing personal. I know I have randomly messaged people in greeting on this site but I at least include some smart ass comment with it or an explanation, the occasional exception being when I know the person.

You have just been bitten by the happiness vampire, soon you will contract happiness and feel the uncontrollable urge to convert others... Sorry y'all, I'm in a really good mood and felt like sharing, corny I know. If you feel like sharing too just send people this way so the happiness vampire can bite them too...

VR has VR Chat now! Boo-fuckin'-yah man!

It's 6 a.m. and I just feel like going back to bed... I feel exhausted even though I got plenty of sleep.

*sighs with a mixture of content and discontent*

Have you ever wished that you could just pick up and go wherever/disappear? I do. I have commitments and people that it just wouldn't be fair to if I did. Sometimes I wish I didn't have either... Then I think how stupid I am for thinking that...

Talk about timing! I was just about to click the little read box with the ex in it when the page finished loading and there at the top of the page was "1 new Message'

I don't feel so confused now...

So I've been thinking about how much and what I put in my journal. I've been wondering why I journal the way I do. After reading one of my favorite journals I realized why, it's more like they indirectly pointed it out to me without meaning to. I really hate whining to people but getting shit off my mind without somebody to unload it to just doesn't work, it's still on my mind just as bad. I need somebody to listen, I just do. I do admit that I like the attention that it sometimes gets me but that's not the whole reason. I feel better when somebody listens. Due to a lack of anybody in my real life who will let me get shit off my chest I've taken to journaling, it's my person alternative. I've been trying to figure out why my VR journal though. The answer is simple: People read my journal. People reading my journal makes it feel like somebody's listening and to a degree it makes it feel like somebody gives a shit. That's also part of why I haven't been able to delete my account. Except for one friend, I have no contact with any of my friends that isn't online. That one friend is the only one who lives close to me. That's a big contribution to my loneliness, the lack of real world friends. Yet, I feel like I don't give a shit about making friends. I don't want new friends because I want the friends I have and I know that if I get too involved with friends in real life that my friends I only have contact with onlne will be in the picture even less and I don't want that. I wish I could be around my current friends but circumstances don't allow it. One lives in souther Iowa, another lives in KC Missouri, one lives in Boone but is too busy with their own life, one lives in Toronto, one in Huron, and one lives in Saskatoon. It make it hard to hang out... Fuck... I'm so tired of wanting things and people that I can't have... I'm just so tired and not in the sense that I want to sleep. I just... fuck.... Kill me... Actually thinking about this shit just made me feel so fucking emo it isn't even funny.



I just figured out what my deal is, with this ex that is. I enjoy her company and I'm just so lonely and in so much pain. I care for her deeply but it's not "that way" if you know what I mean. With the loneliness and aching I just don't give a fuck though. Is that wrong of me? I enjoy her company, it helps with the loneliness. She also helps me forget about the pain for a little while when we're together, in a way she's like tylenol but not for physical pain. I feel it now It feels like I'm hollow inside, it feels like it's burning and consuming me. Sometimes it's so intense that I swear my body feels it too. *sighs* I'm going to bed.

This person is so awesome. I don't know them and we've barely spoken to each other on here but I love reading their journal because it/they intrigue me. There's always something (everything so far) that I love reading. I think they're somebody that would be a blast to talk to and/or hang out with but just about everytime I go to say something I find that I don't seem to have anything worth while to say... I wonder why? I suppose that's just one of those things.

Yesterday me and my friend/ex went to look at an apartment, it was really nice and affordable. We're going to get it. After that we hung out all afternoon. I felt so bad because she bought me gas and then she bought me dinner... After dinner we were walking around and goofing off. While we were walking she makes a smart comment about me trying to hold her hand. I responded "Oh no, you see, if any moves like that are ever to be made between us again you're going to have to make the first move."



She looks at me and says "Really?..."



"Yup"



Her response is to grab me by the front of my shirt and kiss me...



We've been doing the friends with benefits thing but this kiss was different. Then I give her a ride home from work today since we got off at the same time and when we got to her place her neck was sore so I started giving her a massage... While I'm doing that she suddenly leans back into my lap and kisses me... I don't know what to thin, especially since she keeps saying she doesn't want more than fwb with me... Then everytime we're together I catch her staring at me and if she realizes I caught her she looks the other way and blushes. When I'm around her I feel like I have feelings for her and I want to be affectionate. Anytime I'm not around her though she's not the one on my mind... Even when I am around her she's not always the one on my mind.



I feel like I have two different hearts battling and one is growing stronger while the other is slowly starting to give up...



Fuck...

Work today and work tomorrow and then I'm off! We found a really nice place that's easy as hell to afford. They have a move in special, $99 deposit and $200 for the fist month's rent. After that the rent's $569 a month and about $30 for water and we pay the electric. That's not bad.

COMMENTS

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ladygoddessaries
02:45 Mar 14 2008

Damn.. I so am moving wherever you are~ J/k

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Fuck fuck fuck!....

People are fucking idiots when it comes to driving.



Bored... Could be worse.



Frustrated... I get my money on the 21st not the 12th.



Bored but entertained.



Eager.



Impatient, people are idiots.



Humiliated but appreciative... I don't like accepting money from people.



Increasingly horny... I hate and love being teased.



Confused...



Barely contained I'm so horny.... I LOVE road head.



Struggling... I really REALLY wish I had my own place right now...



Frustrated and worn out. I think I need to shower and go to bed.

There are some things/people that just make you smile no matter what. Even when smiling hurts it feels good if they make you do it.

GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKER! THE ONE TIME I DON'T MAKE CERTAIN TO COPY A JOURNAL ENTRY BEFORE I HIT SUBMIT AND IT FUCKIN' LOGS ME OUT AND I LOST IT! IT WAS A LONG FUCKIN' ENTRY TO! *sighs* I may re-write it tomorrow, I need to go to bed right now though.... *sighs*

COMMENTS

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Oceane
05:52 Mar 11 2008

when you save it works...when you dont if....fucks up...

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I feel like I'm losing my mind and said feeling is only making that feeling worse... Tracking?



I question my grip on reality because my mind so often does not reside there. I do know the difference between real reality and the reality in my head, though sometimes the one in my head seems so real that I may momentarily react to it as though it is. Doesn't this mean that I have a firm grip on reality and that those moments are like sleep walking awake? Or is it possible that in those moments I have actually lost my grip on reality and only by coming back to it do I realize it? I am not sure. I do have an annoying habit of thinking something and saying it instead of what I think I'm saying. Sometimes I do the same thing with physical actions, once I was thinking about grabbing something and so my arm reached out to grab the thing even though there was nothing there. Those are the kinds of moments I refer to. They only happen when I'm really deep into my thoughts though. It bothers me sometimes and so I get to really thinking about it and thereby unwittingly cause myself to do these types of things because I get too deep into the thought. The thought of doing it causes me to do it. Sometimes I can remember doing something and/or saying something that I didn't do but the memory is as real to me as if I did and takes serious effort for me to sift out the real memory. These things don't happen often but they do happen and it makes me wonder. In all likelihood I'm over thinking it, wouldn't surprise me really.



Anywho, I think it's time for bed. I have a long, sedentary, boring day tomorrow.

Like two animals caged... The distance like bars holding them back...

Wow, I never realized just how much we do talk... lol. I was just trying to find something in my message center and I got to messages 46-60 and they were almost all between me and one other person. She's just someone that I can talk to but it never really occurred to me how much.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

My first day was BOOOOOORING! Tomorrow only looks better because I can dress comfortably.

My eyes feel like they need to be rested but none of the rest of me does. In fact I feel like I need to do something active...

What is it about reading about other people and their lives that is so interesting sometimes? I have a few people's journals in my favorites and there is one in particular that I find fascinating to read. There's another one that I love reading but they don't post near as much as I'd like, lol. There are a few others that I like to peruse from time to time.

I was just reading one of my favorite journals, the particular entry I have in mind is about beauty and it got me to thinking about it. There is a certain beauty in submission and vulnerability as is mentioned here. I also find that there is beauty in obstinacy, defiance, and strength. I love to see a fire in a woman's eyes, the freedom of her spirit and mind is undeniably beautiful. I do believe that submission does not mean the loss of these. I'm not sure how to explain it but I believe that these concepts can co-exist and that is something unimaginably beautiful.

COMMENTS

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Morrigon
05:04 Mar 10 2008

Very well put

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I'm coming to believe in reincarnation, soul mates, and kindred souls more and more. It explains a lot. I know there are people who I've felt a strong connection to that cannot be explained any other way.

So right now I'm arguing with myself over whether or not to go to the concert like I've been planning. To be completely honest I don't believe that I can reasonably afford it but I can't seem to get me to accept that.... *sighs*

I am suddenly feeling so very very much in need of sleep...

Because it's just not in my nature. *sighs* Damn it. Sometimes it would just be easier if it was...

Oi, I've been staring at the computer screen too much. My eyes are killin' me.

Hmm... So it's come to my attention that I'm limping when I'm not paying attention. I hadn't really noticed this before. Damn it.

You know, when I'm feeling lonely "You don't have any friends" just pisses me off.



On an unrelated note... That was weird. All the windows I had open just suddenly decided to close on me, all of them at once as though it were some simultaneous ballet move...

I freaked out earlier today. The chain to my pendant broke and it fell off. For a moment I couldn't find it and in that second I went crazy. I've never been so attached to something that wasn't alive. I feel so wrong without it on, I need to buy a new chain.



Monday I FINALLY start work at my new job. I'm looking forward to it, actually I can't wait. When I get paid I intend to get an apartment. Once I get off training and am on my shift (my training is during the day but I'm going to be working the afternoon/evening) I think I'll get a part time job too. There are some studio apartments really close to work that I intend to go look at sometime this week, they're only $375 a month amd that's pretty decent so I'm hoping they're decent. I'm also hoping that the deposit is reasonable.

Loneliness is like poison, with a constant dosage you either eventually die or become resistant almost to the point of immunity. I would really rather not have anymore.

Whatever happened to me having deep, meaningful type thoughts? Why is it that when I think that question my mind answers "Because I don't give a shit"?

Why is it that when something/one annoys me I get really mischievous when it wears off?

Jason Scott: spam

Jason Scott: spam

Jason Scott: spam

Jason Scott: spam

Jason Scott: spam

Jason Scott: spam.... lmao, sorry... I'm just in an ornery mood, lol.



Yeah, I know I'm a smart ass/asshole, lol.